


The Devil Within

by aperfectpearl (dimensionhoppingrose)



Category: Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Origin Story, Pearl Belonged To White Diamond Theory, Pearl OC kind of?, Pearl Solidarity, Post-Reunited, Reunited Spoilers, Spoilers for Steven Bomb, White Diamond Theory, canon compliant AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-06-10 04:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 82,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15283929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimensionhoppingrose/pseuds/aperfectpearl
Summary: Pearl begins acting strangely after a fight with a corrupted gem, and the path to answers isn't a pretty one. Forced to face the past and a part of herself she didn't know existed, Pearl quickly begins to spiral out of control, while the others try desperately to find a way to save her.-Post-Reunited, so many spoilers-





	1. New Normal

**Author's Note:**

> Hey yeah, so, here I am, doing this multi-chapter thing. This is an idea I've had in my head for a while, spinning about, so... we'll see how it goes, I suppose!
> 
> (What about that Steven Bomb though)

“I should have left her buried in the rubble,” Pearl muttered, eye twitching, as she listened to her nasally voiced fellow gem reply to something Yellow Diamond had said.

“That wouldn’t have been very heroic of you,” Peridot pointed out. She had gotten just the slightest bit cocky since Lapis had returned and she had reformed with stars on her knees in place of her diamonds. Pearl was spared from having to answer, but the interruption wasn’t that pleasant.

“Yellow Diamond wishes to know how the repairs are going.”

Pearl looked up to see Yellow Pearl standing on the edge of the ship, looking down at the gems working on the engine. “Let her know the repairs would be going a lot better if she and Blue Diamond hadn’t crashed their ships on our beach,” Pearl said, slightly snippy. The other pearl frowned.

“You’ve forgotten your place, _Pink_.”

“I remember my place _very_ well, _Yellow_ ,” Pearl shot back. “Tell Yellow Diamond we’ll be done when we’re done. We don’t want her or Blue sticking around.”

“And call her a clod!” Peridot piped up. Yellow glared at both of them before presumably going to back to tell her Diamond about their insolence. “You’re on edge,” Peridot added as they went back to work.

“Am I?” Pearl asked, grabbing a wrench. Peridot frowned at her. “It’s been a long time since I was around other Pearls,” Pearl finally said with a sigh. “I guess I’ve kind of gotten used to not seeing them ordered around the way those two are.”

“Did you think anything would change on Homeworld?”

“Of course not, I gathered that much with the way you treated me,” Pearl muttered. “It’s easy to forget things when you’re not faced with them every day.”

“Understandable,” Peridot admitted. “I forgot too, and it’s only been a few months. I’ve gotten used to the way you act. The two of them are kind of… creepy.”

“Blue Pearl is nice enough. Yellow is a pain.”

“Blue Pearl’s too quiet. And you can’t see her eyes. It’s… unsettling.”

“Blue Diamond likes her mind games.” Pearl shrugged. “It makes sense she’d have her Pearl designed the same way.”

It had been a week since the wedding and the interrupted reception. Bismuth had helped rebuild the house so Steven would have a place to sleep when Blue Diamond could be convinced to let him out of her sight. At least they had stopped calling him _Pink_ and had accepted that his name was Steven.

Yellow Diamond was being slightly more productive with her enforced stay on Earth, and had been trying to find out more about the corruption, which both Diamonds swore they knew nothing about. Pearl was on the fence about believing them.

She and Peridot were putting their knowledge together to rebuild both ships as fast as they could — no one wanted the Diamonds around. But it was only the two of them, learning about the ships as they went along, and doing their best to substitute for supplies they needed.

“I never thought I’d miss Greg’s barn full of junk,” Pearl said. “Even if watching it crash into the back of Blue Diamond’s head was the most satisfying thing I’ve seen this century.”

“It died a noble death,” Peridot said solemnly. “The town has been most helpful in providing supplies, at least.”

“Yeah, they don’t love alien invaders.”

“Pearl, Peridot!” They looked up again to see Steven waving down at them. “Come on, take a break! Dad’s making hot dogs and burgers.”

“What?” Peridot asked blankly.

“It’s food,” Pearl said before looking back at Steven. “We should really keep working, Steven. I understand having your… aunts… here and not trying to kill you is fun, but…”

“I know you guys want them to go.” Steven sat on the edge of opening. “But you can’t work twenty-four seven. Take a quick break. Lapis even came out to hang—”

“I’m coming!” Peridot said immediately, scrambling up and out of sight before Steven could finish the sentence. She had been very vigilant about keeping Lapis in her sights whenever she wasn’t working on the ship. Steven laughed, looking back at Pearl with a big smile.

“Okay, okay.” Pearl wiped her hands off, climbing out as well. “I’m coming.”

Steven cheered, jumping down, and Pearl followed him to the edge of the water. Greg was flipping burgers and hot dogs at his grill — it was almost funny to see both Diamonds hovering over him with absolute looks of bewilderment on their face. It would have been funnier if Pearl didn’t want so desperately to get rid of them. Garnet was lying back on the sand, watching the sun set; Peridot had glued herself to Lapis’ side, and they, along with Amethyst, were listening to Bismuth tell overly exaggerated tales about the war.

“So the ships come in, and Sardonyx grabs one and wings it at another—”

“Wait, who’s Sardonyx?” Peridot spoke up, wide-eyed. She loved hearing about the war for some reason.

“Oh, Pearl and Garnet fused.”

“You _fuse_?” Yellow Pearl burst out, looking almost scandalized.

“We’re not all as repressed as you are, Yellow,” Pearl said simply, settling herself at the edge of the water, so the waves just lapped at her feet. “Bismuth please find a story that doesn’t involve me, or we’ll be listening to her yell all night.”

“So you guys don’t get along,” Lapis guessed, looking between the three Pearls.

“Our association is an unfortunate consequence of our owners,” Yellow Pearl said stiffly.

“We were left in the hall during meetings a lot,” Blue Pearl added in her hushed voice. Her, Pearl actually didn’t mind much. She wasn’t insufferable. Steven flopped down next to Pearl, munching on a hot dog.

“You’re not… upset, are you?”

“What?” Pearl looked over at him.

“I thought you’d be happier now with everything out in the open, but you’ve seemed kind of unhappy since the fight. Do the other Pearls upset you?”

“Oh, no Steven,” Pearl assured him quickly. “I mean, yes, I don’t like Yellow Pearl very much, but her personality is an unfortunate side effect of her owner—”

“Pearl.” Steven frowned. Pearl sighed.

“I know you forgive easily Steven,” she said gently. “I just have… several thousand years worth of hate for the Diamond Authority built up. It’s not as easy for me to trust them as it is you.”

“I know,” Steven said, leaning on her arm and taking a bite of his hot dog. “Garnet, Bismuth, and Lapis have been really uptight as well. Peridot’s been avoiding them.”

“Probably smarter than her running around calling Yellow a clod over and over,” Pearl said with a small smile. Steven laughed.

“She’s still really proud of that, even if it got her poofed. You and Yellow Pearl are fighting a lot, though.”

“We don’t get along,” Pearl said simply. “Our personalities clash too much.”

It was pure instinct that had Pearl falling silent when Blue Diamond came up beside Steven. Old conditioning she had never been able to shake. “Now… what is that you’re eating?” The giant gem asked Steven curiously. His ability to make friends with anyone was honestly amazing.

“It’s a hot dog!” Steven said happily. “You can grill them or boil them or put them in the microwave.” It was clear absolutely none of that made sense to Blue Diamond. “Grilling on the beach like this is the best. It’s a big party!”

“Amethyst, wait, not the—!” Greg started to yell, and Pearl looked over her shoulder just in time to see Amethyst eat an entire package of hamburger meat. Styrofoam and all. The Diamonds didn’t look particularly impressed. Pearl pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Well,” she said, “at least things are getting back to normal.”

“Yes,” Blue Diamond said slowly, eying Pearl. “Normal.” Pearl flinched, but maintained eye contact with the diamond. “So you helped Pink with her rebellion?”

“Accidentally,” Pearl replied smoothly. “But yes, she and I started the rebellion together.”

“Interesting. She ordered you along, I suppose?”

“She gave me the chance to leave. I told her I wanted to stay.”

“Pearls aren’t meant to fight.” Blue sounded suspicious. Pearl resisted the urge to scowl.

“Yeah, but Pearl’s amazing!” Steven said happily. “She knows how to fight and build stuff and she’s really, _really_ smart!”

Pearl smiled, nudging his arm. “Steveeeeen.”

“What? It’s true!”

“Fascinating,” Blue Diamond said. “I didn’t know Pearls were capable of learning such things.”

“I bet your Pearl could learn stuff, too,” Steven said, but Pearl quickly put a hand on his mouth.

“Let’s not encourage that,” she said with a weak laugh. “Blue Pearl is sweet enough, but I don’t think I want Yellow learning how to use a sword.”

“Sword?” Blue repeated. “Your weapon is sword?”

“Uh…” Pearl had avoided talking to the Diamonds at all costs. She wasn’t in the mood for bigotry. “Well, no. My manifested weapon is a spear. I used swords when the rebellion started because I didn’t have a weapon of my own.” This was possibly the strangest conversation she’d had in a long time.

“Peridot, put my grill down!” Greg yelled, and they looked back again to see Peridot cackling madly as she levitated the grill. Amethyst was laughing and rolling around in the sand.

“You ever think sometimes we might have been better off if she hadn’t discovered those powers?” Pearl asked. Steven laughed.

“Nah, look how happy they make her.”

“I think that might be part of the problem.”

“Is it always this chaotic?” Blue asked curiously.

“Sort of,” Steven said. “We have about twice as many gems as usual. It’s usually just me, Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst. But Bismuth’s been in a bubble for five-thousand years and Lapis ran away with the barn, so Peridot was sleeping in the bath tub, then Lapis crashed the barn into the back of your head so I guess they’re technically homeless.” It wasn’t a problem at the moment — Bismuth went back to her forge when she needed some space, Lapis had been crashing on the couch, and Peridot was either in the tub or helping Pearl repair the ships. But eventually they were going to have to talk about expanding the temple. Or risk killing each other out of annoyance.

“Right.” It was amazing how much she of Steven’s babbling Blue just accepted. “Chaos like this would be unacceptable on Homeworld.”

“That’s what makes Earth so much fun, though! Besides, don’t you guys run Homeworld? You could totally — mmph!” Steven was cut off by Pearl hurriedly covering his mouth again.

“Let’s… change the subject, Steven,” she said with a weak laugh. Getting into the nitty gritty about who ran Homeworld was _not_ a conversation to be had with two Diamonds. “Oh, why don’t you tell Blue Diamond more about Connie?”

Connie was Steven’s favorite subject, and he was more than happy to launch into another monologue once Pearl released his mouth. She stood, leaving Steven with the Diamond and walking over to where the other Pearls were standing, off to the side. Greg had lost his grill completely — Yellow had seized it from the air and was examining it closely. He’d have to buy a new one when she was done.

“Finally deemed fit to speak to us, Pink?” Yellow Pearl asked snidely as Pearl approached.

“Look, can you stop calling me Pink? No one’s called me that in five-thousand years, and Steven doesn’t own me.” She looked over her shoulder to make sure everyone was occupied before dropping her voice to say, “So I see Blue and Yellow. What about…?”

“Sh!” Both Pearls said hurriedly, looking properly panicked.

“Don’t talk about _her_ ,” Yellow added in a hiss.

“We know she was part of the corruption song,” Pearl continued in an even lower tone. “Or shattering. Whatever it was supposed to be.”

“She disappeared after the war,” Blue said quietly. “Shattered her own Pearl and just left. No one has seen her since.”

Pearl frowned. “Why?”

“Nobody knows.” Yellow shrugged. “My Diamond has taken care of most of the work since then, what with Blue Diamond mourning and… _her_ being absent.”

“Yellow Diamond running Homeworld,” Pearl muttered. “I definitely got out just in time.”

“You don’t…” Yellow hesitated before pushing forward. “You don’t think she had anything to do with the corruption, do you? Our Diamonds were intent on shattering. They wanted to be done with Earth until the Cluster was completed. They wouldn’t have wanted to leave gems behind, corrupted or no.”

“I don’t know anything, obviously,” Pearl replied. “It’s just… odd.”

“What brought this up, anyways?”

“Oh, Steven was asking about who ruled Homeworld. I didn’t think getting into a discussion about the Diamond Authority was a great idea, but I was curious.” Pearl shrugged. “I wouldn’t be worried about it if it didn’t mean another possible threat to Earth and to us. But if she’s still out there thinking Rose Quartz shattered Pink Diamond, and no one can get in contact to tell her otherwise…”

“I’m sure you don’t have to worry about that,” Blue Pearl said. “It’s been five-thousand years. She wouldn’t have any reason to suddenly come out of hiding now.”

“I suppose not,” Pearl said. “Having Diamonds around is making me paranoid.” She turned, calling, “Peridot, come on! We need to get back to work.”

Peridot groaned. “Slave driver,” she grumbled, making her way over.

“It’s all in the name of getting the Diamonds off Earth, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah…”

They walked back to the ships in silence, hopping back into Blue’s to get to work. Pearl checked to make sure everyone was still in the beach, then dropped back in with Peridot. “So, Peridot, how old are you?”

“Huh?” Peridot looked up, surprised. “Um… a little over two-thousand years old. Why?”

“Do you know anything about White Diamond?”

“ _White_?” Peridot repeated. “I thought she was a myth, to be honest. Definitely wasn’t on Homeworld at any point when I lived there.” She looked around, then back at Pearl. “So she’s _real_?”

“She was the first Diamond, and the first gem. She grew the other Diamonds in her own Kindergarten—”

“Right, right, I know the story,” Peridot said. “The Great Diamond Authority was originally supposed to consist of White, Blue, Yellow, and Red, but Red overcooked, so they left her in the Kindergarten and founded Homeworld together, and from there began growing more gems, starting with Pearls as their servants. I just didn’t know White was _real_.”

“She apparently disappeared after the war, if the Pearls are to be believed.” And Pearl saw no reason why they would lie about that.

“Wait. Does that mean Blue and Yellow Pearls were part of the first group of Pearls? What about White’s Pearl? I mean, she was the greatest Diamond of them all, supposedly. She’d have to have one.”

“Blue and Yellow are close to ten-thousand years old,” Pearl said with a nod. “No one knows what happened to the very first Pearl. By the time I was made, she had been gone for years and White had a different Pearl. I assume she was shattered — I mean, the very first model of any gem doesn’t come out perfectly. I’m sure after a while White grew tired of having a defective servant.”

“Wow,” Peridot said in a stunned voice. Pearl wondered how much Homeworld history any gem actually knew. “So how old are _you_?”

“Close to eight-thousand.” Pearl picked up a screwdriver to get to work. “I was given to Pink Diamond when I was three-thousand years old.”

“What did you do before that?”

“I’m not sure,” Pearl admitted. “It’s generally protocol for a Pearl to be shattered if their owner dies or gives them up. But Pink was almost always given second-hand gems for her court, so instead of shattering me, they wiped my memory and original conditioning and re-trained me to serve her.”

“And it doesn’t _bother_ you that you don’t know?” Peridot asked in disbelief. Pearl looked up at her.

“Sometimes it does,” she admitted. “But there’s no use dwelling on it. It’s not like there’s anyone I can ask. Rose said she never knew who my original owner was, and I don’t think she would lie about that. She did everything she could to give me agency. She knew I was secondhand, but she didn’t really care — she was just excited to have her own Pearl.”

Peridot made a noise, looking back at the computer she was trying to fix. “You know, the more time I spend on Earth, the less sense Homeworld makes,” she said. Pearl laughed softly, returning to her own work.

“Wait until you’ve been here five-thousand years. Homeworld will seem completely backwards.”

The sounds of the outside party slowly began to wane as everyone drifted off — Greg to his van, parked right outside the house (he wasn’t quite ready to be too far away from his son), Steven yawning as he dragged himself off to bed, Bismuth to the forge, Amethyst and Garnet to their rooms, the Diamonds to their Palanquins (which had miraculously survived the crash), and Lapis inside to presumably watch more Camp Pining Hearts.

“Perhaps we should just fix the communicators and let them call in a technician squad.” Peridot broke the silence after a few hours. “There’s only so much we can do with our limited resources.”

“I’ve built a mostly functional rocket — even if it didn’t make it out of the atmosphere — we’ve both built robots, and we built a drill to stop the cluster with resources from Earth,” Pearl reminded the other gem. “We can fix a few broken computers and two broken engines. We still have some parts stored somewhere from the ship you and Jasper originally came in, and we can raid the Kindergarten injectors for more if we get desperate.”

“Those parts would be primitive, but they’d work to at least get the Diamonds home,” Peridot said thoughtfully. “Maybe—”

She was cut off by an odd, gurgling, bubbling sound. “What the…”

They lifted themselves out of the ship, and saw what looked like a writhing, squirming mass of water and sludge emerging from the water.

“I don’t suppose that’s Lapis’ idea of a joke,” Pearl said slowly. Peridot strained her hearing for a moment, listening for the sound of Camp Pining Hearts.

“Nope.”

The thing shot forward, firing sludge from it’s mouth, and they ducked back in to avoid getting hit. “Great,” Pearl hissed. “Go get the others. I’ll keep it distracted.”

“Shouldn’t I—”

“Lapis and Steven are right inside, send them out for back up, then get Amethyst and Garnet out of their rooms,” Pearl ordered. “I’ll cover you.”

Peridot grimaced for a moment, then nodded. Pearl jumped out of the ship, drawing her spear. “Go!” She yelled as she charged the monster, dodging more gooey attacks and throwing her spear expertly, hitting it in the eye. It howled, rolling back toward the water again, and Pearl pulled another spear, jumping into the air.

The next few moments were a blur. A thick, sludgy strand shot out of the monster, hitting Pearl square on and driving her back into the cliff wall. She heard a faint crack as she hit, and white-pain flashed through her entire body, originating in her gem. She knew that feeling too well.

A pink shield came flying out of nowhere, slicing through the strand, and Pearl dropped to the ground, barely catching herself. “Lapis, you got it?” She heard Steven yell. Lapis’ affirmation must have been silent, because Steven was at Pearl’s side a moment later. “Pearl, are you…?”

“I’m okay,” Pearl assured him, one hand pressed against the cliff to keep her steady, the other reaching for her gem. The pain spiked, and Pearl could feel that some of the goo had also splattered against her gem. She hissed, yanking her hand away.

“What’s wrong?” Steven asked, his attention torn between Lapis, fighting the corrupted gem alone, and Pearl.

“My gem’s cracked,” Pearl muttered through gritted teeth. They heard a yell as Lapis was thrown to the sand, and the monster rolled further onto the beach, more tentacles shooting out. Pearl’s next thoughts weren’t really anything coherent beyond _Protect Steven_. She shoved the boy behind her, ignoring his protest, and took the full force of another blow.

And everything went white.


	2. That's Not Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl poofs, Steven worries, Pearl comes back. Then things start getting weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I more or less plan on having a weekly update schedule - which would be every Saturday, but idk I was excited to get this up. The response to the first chapter was really great. Y'all are awesome.
> 
> (Going forward, I won't be answering questions about when the next update will be. It'll be every Friday or Saturday, depending on my level of excitement. Comments that only demand updates will be looked upon with disdain.)

“ _Pearl_!”

Steven watched in horror as Pearl’s form disappeared in a poof of dust, and he quickly put up his shield to prevent another attack. He held one hand out to keep the shield up as he knelt down, the other hand reaching shakily for Pearl’s gem. It looked cracked nearly all the way through. He was afraid to touch it.

“Steven?” Lapis was back in the air, looking down nervously.

“Pearl’s down,” Steven called back. “Can you—”

The house door burst open, and Garnet, Amethyst, and Peridot rushed out, the first two with their weapons already drawn. “ _Yuck_ ,” Amethyst commented as they launched themselves off the porch and ran forward to help Lapis. Peridot looked around, finding Steven still behind his shield, and hurried over to him.

“Where’s—” The question died on her lips when she saw the cracked gem in the sand. “Is she…?”

“I don’t know. I’m afraid to touch her.” Steven looked back at the fight. He wanted to help, but he was afraid of leaving Pearl defenseless.

Peridot knelt down, examining the gem the best she could. “I don’t think she’s broken through,” she said finally, holding out a hand over Pearl’s gem. A green bubble formed around it, gently lifting it out of the sand, and Steven was relieved it didn’t immediately break in two. He dropped his shield, grinning.

“Great, I’ll—”

There was a loud, wet _pop_ , and they looked around just in time to see sludge raining down on them. Peridot took a huge glop to the face and fell back with a yelp. Steven threw up a shield above their heads a little too late to protect them from any further grossness. Garnet, it appeared, had popped the watery, corrupted monster, and was now bubbling the gem. No one had escaped the fate of being hit by the flying goop — even the Diamonds, who had come out to find out what was going on, were covered in it. Steven had to admit, that was a bit funny.

“Well, that was fun,” Amethyst said casually, patting the top of her head and trying to get the sludge out of her hair.

“Are all corrupted gems that _disgusting_?” Yellow Diamond asked in a stiff voice.

“No, some of them are just creepy,” Steven piped up as he and Peridot approached the group. Garnet immediately zeroed in on the bubble in Peridot’s hands.

“Is Pearl okay?"

“She’s cracked pretty bad,” Steven admitted. “But I can fix her.” He saw Blue and Yellow Pearls peeking out from behind their Diamonds, eying the bubble anxiously. “I can heal her,” he repeated, a bit louder. “She’ll be fine.”

“Before we do anything,” Lapis started, landing to stand with the gathered group, “Steven hold your breath.”

“Huh? Why—?” He immediately sucked in a large breath and snapped his mouth shut when he saw the wave rising from the ocean. It dropped onto the beach before anyone could protest, showering them and washing away the sludge.

“Thanks for the warning,” Peridot grumbled, shaking her head and sending droplets of water flying.

“Hey, it’s better than having to go for a midnight swim.”

* * *

They retreated back into the house, after stopping at Greg’s van to make sure he was okay — he had _slept_ through everything, somehow.

Peridot popped the bubble, and Pearl’s gem dropped onto a throw pillow. Steven carefully poured some water over it to wash the goo away before he healed it, and let Lapis use some of her finer water control to get into the gem. Pearl would hate to come back with a goo-covered gem.

“So she’s going to be okay?” A small voice asked. Steven looked back, surprised — he hadn’t noticed the Pearls following of them. Yellow was standing stiffly with her hands clasped in front of her, head bowed, Blue beside her with one hand half covering her mouth.

“Yeah, she’ll be fine,” Steven assured them.

“She takes _forever_ to reform, though,” Amethyst added. “Last time was what, two weeks?”

“She works very hard to make sure her form is perfect,” Garnet said.

“I can’t fix both ships alone,” Peridot pointed out. “Better hope she doesn’t take two weeks this time. Not that the Diamonds aren’t _lovely_ company…”

Amethyst groaned. “Two more weeks of them hovering around judging us?” She leaned over the side of the couch so she was down on Pearl’s eye level. “Hurry up and come back!”

No response, of course. “She’ll be back when she’s back,” Garnet said, pulling Amethyst away. “She knows better than to push it, especially after being cracked like that. Last time she tried to rush, she came back wrong, and Rose had to poof her again.”

Steven winced. He couldn’t imagine what _wrong_ was like for Pearl. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

A day passed. Two days. Three. Steven had bundled up the gem in a small, warm blanket and taken to carrying it around like a baby as he went through his normal routine. Connie came over, and they sat on the beach, telling the Diamonds about how they could fuse. Steven gave his gem-wrapped bundle to Blue Pearl while they introduced the Diamonds to Stevonnie. He didn’t want to just leave her in the sand.

He spent some time with Peridot, who was still working on the ships, and probably lonely without Pearl around to help — she looked thrilled every time he came to talk to her.

Three days. Four days. Steven knew he shouldn’t be anxious — she _had_ taken two weeks last time. But that crack had been so deep, and it scared him. He went to the forge to talk to Bismuth, who was working on some new weaponry.

“Hey!” Bismuth said happily when Steven warped in with Pearl. “She’s still not back?”

“She likes to take her time.” Steven went over to sit against a wall, resting the bundle in his lap. “But I’m worried. I’ve never seen her cracked before.”

“Oh, trust me, she’s been cracked worse than that.” Bismuth shook her head, returning to pounding down the sword. “I swear one time she was holding on by a slither. If it wasn’t for your mom, she’d have been shattered a long time ago.”

“She got… hurt a lot during the war, then?” Steven knew Pearl had acted as Rose’s second shield, but Garnet had never gone into details.

“She was reckless.” Bismuth shook her head. “Pearls aren’t built for fighting. Me and Garnet and Amethyst and Rubies and all the other soldier types have stronger gems, because we’re meant to be out on the battlefield, or building things. Pearls are fragile, though. If you stepped on her right now, she’d probably break.” Steven winced at the suggestion. “I always wondered how she got through it all. I mean, Rose healed her, obviously, but the fact that there was anything left of her to heal was practically a miracle. This one time, she and I were facing down a squad of Jaspers — five on two, not the best odds. But she still threw herself right into things, and managed to poof one before another punched her square in the gem. I’m not sure how she kept her form, but she did, and she even took down another Jasper. She was glitching so hard by the time we found Rose that I had to carry her because her legs weren’t working, but she survived it.”

“Maybe she’s stronger than other Pearls.” Steven looked down at the gem, smoothing his thumb over it.

“It’s possible,” Bismuth said. “I do know she’s a slightly older gem — most of the Pearls who served Diamonds are on the older side. Maybe she was made to endure more because of her position.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Steven sighed. He just wanted her to come back. Bismuth walked over, kneeling down in front of Steven and ruffling his hair.

“She’ll be fine. Trust me. I’ve seen her come back from worse, and so has Garnet. We wouldn’t lie if we thought something was wrong.”

Steven brightened a bit at that. “I know. I appreciate it. There’s been enough lies and secrets to last all of us a lifetime.”

“Hear, hear.”

* * *

_Her gem is chipped, small bits falling and turning to dust. The jasper in front of her is wild, almost feral. Her hands tighten around the hilt of her sword._

“ _Again,” a toneless voice says, and she jumps forward, circling expertly around the jasper as it swings wildly, howling. A fist catches her in the side, throwing her back, and she blocks out the pain, throwing herself forward, driving both blades into the jasper’s chest_ …

Pearl’s eyes flew open with a startled gasp, her head snapping around. She was in the house. In Steven’s loft. Next to the bed. It was dark. She could hear Camp Pining Hearts down in the living room. What…?

“Pearl!”

Steven tackled her from behind, hugging her tight, and Pearl yelped as they both fell forward. “You’re back!” The boy said, laughing as his arms tightened around her. Lapis and Peridot peeked up from the living room, then looked back at the TV.

“Was I gone?” Pearl asked, confused. Her memories were oddly fuzzy. It worried her.

“Yeah, for six whole days,” Steven said, rolling off Pearl’s back so she could sit up. “That sludge gem monster cracked your gem and poofed you, remember?”

Pearl raised a hand to her gem, brushing her fingers against it. It was fixed, of course. Steven could always be counted on for that. “I don’t,” she said slowly. “Which is odd. I never forget.”

Her gem lit up, and she tried to project the memory of the fight. But the projection glitched and sputtered out, and Pearl winced as pain shot through her head. “Maybe the sludge messed with your gem a bit,” Steven suggested. “Do you feel better now?”

“I feel fine,” Pearl said. “But I don’t like that I can’t remember. I always remember being poofed, even if my gem’s cracked.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Steven said confidently, and Pearl smiled, wrapping an arm around him. “I’m just glad you’re back.”

“I’m glad I’m back, too.”

“I’m glad you’re back, too,” Peridot called from the couch. “Your six-day nap cost us a lot of building time.”

Pearl pressed her lips into a thin line. “Nice to see you too, Peridot. If you’re so worried about it, why don’t we head out now and start working?”

“Well, uh…” Peridot fumbled, and Lapis snickered. “I would, but I worked all day, and we’re watching the fourth season… Besides, you just reformed! You should rest before you go back out.”

“How thoughtful of you,” Pearl murmured. Steven laughed.

They went out to work on the ships when the sun started to rise. “So… are you okay?” Peridot asked uncertainly. Pearl raised an eyebrow.

“Of course I’m okay. You’ve been poofed before, you know there are no lasting consequences.”

“I’ve never had my gem cracked before,” Peridot replied. “Lapis was the first gem I met who’d been cracked and then healed, and as much as I l…” She fumbled over the words, “you know, as great of a friend as she is, she’s a little messed up sometimes.”

“That would be five-thousand years of trauma as a prisoner of war, not a result of her gem being cracked,” Pearl said. “I was healed hundreds of times during the war, there were never any permanent effects.”

“Hundreds of times? I know I’m not an expert on war or anything but aren’t you supposed to _avoid_ getting hurt that much?”

Pearl blushed, ducking her head. “I wasn’t always careful. It didn’t matter, as long as we won the fight.”

“Right.” Peridot didn’t sound like she believed that, but blessedly, she dropped the subject, getting back to work. Pearl did the same.

They worked in silence as the sun rose, listening to the door creak as everyone came and went. Amethyst and Garnet stopped in to say hi to Pearl and drop off the pieces of Peridot’s old ship. She was aghast when she saw the condition it was in. “We told you we crashed it into the beach,” Pearl reminded her.

“I didn’t think you meant _crashed_ crashed!”

“Oh, just pick through it and figure out what we can use.” Pearl scrubbed her eyes. Her head was starting to hurt.

She continued to work while Peridot went through the pieces, ignoring the sharp, steadily increasing pain that seemed to be bouncing between her temples. What was wrong with her? She’d gotten headaches before, but usually it was after a battle, especially if she’d taken any damage to the head without poofing. The location of her gem made her vulnerable to head injuries.

“ _Show no mercy_ …”

The screwdriver slipped from Pearl’s suddenly shaking hands. “Pearl?” She looked back at Peridot, who was watching her warily. “Are you okay?”

No. She definitely wasn't okay. Her head felt like it was splitting apart. “I… think I need a break,” she muttered, voice trembling, as she moved to climb out of the ship.

“Yeah, sure.” Peridot, for once, didn’t sound at all annoyed. “Do you need help…?”

“No, I’m just going inside.” Maybe she’d rest in her room a bit. The water was always soothing.

“Okay…”

Pearl climbed out of the ship, hopping down — and her knees immediately gave way, hitting the sandy ground, as the pain peaked.

_She drives her swords through the gems without mercy, shattering them completely. They_ _’re traitors, her master says. They deserve to die. They want to hurt us. They want to hurt me._

_She can_ _’t allow that to happen._

_She_ _’s breathless and exhausted when she’s finally done, her gem chipped and cracked. “My good little Pearl,” her master says gently, pressing a hand to the gem embedded in her forehead. “Homeworld will fear you when I’m done_ —”

“PEARL!”

She snapped back to reality, and had about a split-second to see Steven and Connie, with Steven’s bubble around them, the tip of her spear pressed right against it.

Then a scrap of metal slammed into her, throwing her a good ten feet away. Peridot really was getting good at that, she thought dazedly through the pain.

 

* * *

 

“Maybe there’s something wrong with her gem?”

“No way, I healed it and I looked it over a bunch of times. There was no other damage.”

Pearl was sitting on the couch, an ice pack pressed to her aching temple, not bothering to point out that she was sitting right there. Connie was sitting by the window, understandably uncertain about being near Pearl after she’d tried to stab them. Pearl didn’t blame her. But it still hurt to see her apprentice scared of her.

“How long have you had the headache?” Garnet asked Pearl, sitting beside her. Pearl shook her head once.

“I’m not sure. It was kind of a dull pain for a while, then it started getting worse.”

“You did hit your head pretty hard,” Lapis pointed out. “Maybe the damage didn’t completely heal after you reformed.”

“You’ve done that before,” Garnet pointed out. Pearl grimaced, raising her head.

“And you know I’ve been more careful about it since the war ended. I’m telling you, I was healed when I came back.”

“And that still doesn’t explain trying to attack Steven and Connie,” Amethyst added bluntly. Pearl pressed her head back against the ice pack. It didn’t seem to be helping.

“No,” she said quietly. “It doesn’t.”

“Your eyes looked kind of blank,” Connie spoke up. “Like, when you looked at us, you weren’t really seeing us. A flashback, maybe?”

“I haven’t had anything like that in years,” Pearl said wearily. “At least a century or so.”

“It’s got to be her gem,” Peridot insisted. “There isn’t much else that could cause the physical form to react so violently.”

“Her gem is _healed_ ,” Steven replied. “I took care of it. I even brought it to Mom’s fountain.”

Silence fell as they considered the possibilities. “What about that gunk the monster was spraying off?” Amethyst said finally. “Didn’t some of it get on your gem? Maybe a little got into the crack and Steven sealed it in when he healed it.”

“We washed her gem off first, though,” Lapis said. “I helped, and I was careful.”

Pearl frowned pressing her fingers to her gem. If Lapis had missed any goo, and it had gotten inside her gem… maybe it had corrupted her? She felt slightly nauseous at the thought.

“I really, _really_ hate to say this,” Amethyst said slowly, “but maybe we could ask the Diamonds? They might know something.”

“They wouldn’t have a clue about something as lowly as Pearls,” Pearl muttered. “They’re not as all-knowing as they like to believe.”

“Great.” Amethyst flopped back on the floor. “Now what?”

“I know you said it wasn’t a flashback,” Steven said, turning to Pearl. “But maybe it was… something else? A hallucination? Do you remember seeing anything?”

Pearl frowned, closing her eyes. “I… I think there was a voice… It sounded familiar but I can’t really place it. And I think I was… fighting gems? But not during the war. We were in a room…”

Pain spiked, and Pearl bit down a groan, leaning forward slightly. Not for the first time, she was grateful she didn’t eat, because she probably would have been throwing up right about then.

“Are you sure this isn’t another order from Pink Diamond?” Garnet asked.

“No. It wasn’t her voice.”

There was a sudden shriek from outside, and the door flew open, two big, watery hands dropping Blue and Yellow Pearls on the floor. “I saw you two sneaking around,” Lapis said, waving the hands way. “Why were you eavesdropping?”

“Eavesdropping?” Peridot repeated. “That’s not very Pearl-like.”

“Oh please,” Pearl scoffed. “We stand around all day and aren’t allowed to talk. Eavesdropping is our number one skill. We listened to Diamond meetings all the time.”

“Not that it was hard,” Blue piped up. “Yellow Diamond was usually yelling at Pink Diamond for something.”

“And then she took it out on _me_ after,” Yellow muttered. “I don’t miss those meetings.”

“Focus,” Garnet said. “Why were you listening to us? Do you know something about this?”

The Pearls exchanged nervous glances. “We…”

“Uh…”

Pearl narrowed her eyes. “You _do_ know something.” She put the ice pack aside and stood, ignoring the nearly blinding pain. Blue and Yellow exchanged panicked glances. “Well? Out with it.”

“We can’t,” Yellow said, taking a step back.

“ _Try._ ” Pearl’s gem glowed as she pulled her spear once more, leveling it with Yellow’s gem.

“Pearl!” Several voices protested.

“We can’t!” Yellow yelped. “We really can’t, she ordered us!”

“She?” Pearl repeated. “Blue? Yellow? Do they know what’s going on?” Both Pearls shook their head. “Who, then? Diamonds are the only ones who can put silence binding orders on Pearls, and I doubt Pink would have bothered with —” She cut herself off as the realization set in, and her spear disappeared, her arm dropping back to the side. “White Diamond,” she said quietly. Blue and Yellow exchanged nervous looks. “What does she have to do with anything?”

“We can’t tell you,” Blue said quietly. “We can’t even tell our own Diamonds. White Diamond swore us both to secrecy.”

“So this is like Pearl not being able to talk about Pink Diamond,” Steven guessed. They nodded slowly. “Can you show us the memories? That’s how Pearl got around the order.”

“Their gems don’t record like mine does, Steven,” Pearl said, settling back on the couch. “When you were on trial, I’m guessing Yellow was taking notes and Blue was doing the court drawings?”

“Well they weren’t court drawings so much as various pictures of how I died…”

“Her version of court drawings,” Pearl corrected herself, noting the small smile on Blue’s face. “It’s part of their function as their Diamonds’ Pearls. Yellow takes notes, Blue does the drawings, and I recorded everything to store it away in case the trial footage was needed again at a later date. That’s why I have perfect recall — my gem is always recording everything.”

“That’s creepy,” Amethyst said. Steven frowned.

“Okay, well if you’re always recording everything, then maybe you know what they’re talking about, and you’ve just forgotten.”

“Given,” Garnet said suddenly, and everyone looked at her.

“Huh?”

“You told Sapphire you were _given_ to Pink Diamond. Not made for her.”

“She was my second owner,” Pearl admitted. “It’s rare for a Pearl to have more than one, but I guess they didn’t want to make one for Pink, so they just erased everything from my first owner and re-conditioned me for Pink’s needs.”

“Maybe the memories are still in there somewhere,” Steven said. “They’re just buried.”

“You can’t just go wandering aimlessly through my mind,” Pearl said. “I was steering you through memories last time to try and get you to what you needed, but I wouldn’t be able to do that now, not knowing where to look. You could get lost.”

“And you could end up hurting someone if you have another episode like that,” Garnet pointed out. “This might be our best chance. Amethyst and I will go with him. Between the three of us, I’m sure we can find our way around.”

It _was_ their best lead, as much as Pearl hated to admit it. “Fine,” she sighed. “Time for another tour through my head.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really just want them to have to go back into Pearl's head in the show. That entire mechanic was FASCINATING to me.


	3. Finding The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven, Amethyst, and Garnet go into Pearl's head. It's not the answer anyone expects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to address something that came up in a couple of reviews re: Pearl letting them into her gem - 
> 
> For the purpose of the narrative, it had to happen. So maybe I made her cave a bit easier. But she also acknowledges there's something weird going on in her head or with her gem, and if sending them in to find dig up hidden memories is the only way to do it, then... hopefully they don't see too many terrible secrets along the way.

The space inside Pearl’s gem was _very_ different from the last time Steven had been in there. All of the items stored in the subspace had been scattered, leaving a very frantic and unhappy compartmentalizing Pearl to try and pick it all up.

“Yikes,” Amethyst muttered, looking around. Steven found the Pearl, off sorting through a pile.

“Pearl inside Pearl’s Pearl!” He called, waving and hopping over to her. Garnet and Amethyst followed quickly. The Pearl looked up, surprised.

“Oh, Steven! What are you doing here? It’s such a mess, you shouldn’t be—”

“It’s okay,” Steven said quickly. “The mess doesn’t matter. We need your help with something.”

“My help?” Pearl repeated, frowning. “What could you need me for?”

“We need to find Pearl’s memories from before she was given to Pink Diamond.”

“Oh.” Now Pearl looked vaguely disturbed. “No, no, you definitely don’t want to dive that far into her memories. You know the lower levels are a mess.”

“I know, but it’s important,” Steven insisted. “Please? At least try and put us on the right track.”

Pearl sighed. “This is a _really_ bad idea.” She looked up at Garnet and Amethyst. “Are you _sure_ you want to see? You might not like what you find.”

“We’re prepared for the consequences,” Garnet said simply. Pearl shook her head.

“I don’t think you are. But okay.”

There was a flash of light as they were pulled down to another level of Pearl’s memories. Steven opened his eyes to see the beach, the temple without the house, and his stomach dropped. He didn’t want to see Pearl crying over losing Rose…

“Pearl?”

The sound of Rose Quartz’ voice drew their attention, and they turned to see her approaching the hand sticking out of the sand. They walked over slowly, and there was Pearl, curled up tight, staring blankly at the ground. Rose sat beside her, gently brushing her hair back.

“You’ve been out here for three days.” No answer. “I know seeing Biggs upset you—”

“When is it going to stop?” Pearl’s voice cracked as she spoke. “Every time I see another one of them, it feels like I’m right back there watching that light…”

“I know, I know.” Rose wrapped her arms tight around Pearl’s shaking frame. “I know, Pearl. I know.”

Pearl collapsed against Rose, breaking down, and Rose held her tight, whispering comforts and rocking her gently. This, Steven decided as tears filled his eyes, was worse than watching her cry over losing Rose.

“I knew she wasn’t okay after the war,” Garnet said, and Steven looked back at her. “She did her best not to let me see, but it was at least a hundred years before Rose would let her out of her sight. I knew she was worried about her, but I never knew how bad it was.”

“She never talks about it,” Amethyst said, still watching Pearl and Rose. “She’s never said anything.”

“She doesn’t want anyone to pity her.”

Pearl slowly started to quiet, wiping her eyes. “Is it ever going to stop, Rose?” She asked in a trembling voice.

“I don’t know,” Rose admitted in a quiet voice, pressing her lips to the top of Pearl’s head. “But you need to stop trying to deal with it alone. You’re not a bother, and I want to help you.” Pearl sniffed, nodding slowly. “Why don’t you come inside? I know you’ve been rearranging your room. I’d love to see how the fountains look.”

Pearl smiled weakly despite herself. “Sure. You go ahead, I’ll be there in a minute. I promise.”

Rose squeezed Pearl’s hand, nodding. “Okay. But if you’re not there in five minutes I’m coming back for you.”

“I’ll be there. I promise.”

They watched as Rose stood, walking away. She really had cared about Pearl. Steven had wondered, with everything that had happened…

“I wish you hadn’t seen that.”

Pearl’s quiet voice drew their attention back to her. She had stood, and was brushing sand off herself, eyes fixed on the ground. “We didn’t mean to invade your privacy,” Garnet said. “But we’re trying to find something.”

“I know you are. It’s not going to answer all your questions, you know. And you’re not going to like what you find.”

That was appropriately ominous, Steven thought. “We need to look anyways. Please, can you help us?”

Pearl finally looked at them, her expression distant. “I can keep you on the right track, more or less. If that’s really what you want.”

“Vague and ominous aren’t good looks on you, P,” Amethyst pointed out. Pearl, surprisingly, smiled.

“I’m just telling the truth. But okay.”

And the blinding light engulfed them again. When it faded, they were standing on what looked like a battlefield, and Steven looked down to see gem shards underneath his feet. He yelped, jumping back, but they were everywhere.

“I remember this place,” Garnet said slowly, looking around. “It was one of the last battles before the corruption. Homeworld had gotten more violent since Pink had been shattered. A few of us always stayed behind after fights to collect and bubble the shards of those who didn’t make it.”

“Like that?” Amethyst guessed, pointing ahead. Pearl was walking through the field alone, bending down every now and again to bubble shards and send them off.

“Still better than the last war memory I saw,” Steven mumbled, heading toward Pearl. “Hey, Pearl inside Pearl inside Pearl inside Pearl’s Pearl!”

She looked up from her work, surprised. “What are you all doing here?”

“We’re looking for some memories Pearl had taken away from her,” Steven explained. They were down two levels now. He supposed outside information didn’t necessarily get here. “From before Pink Diamond owned her.”

Pearl shook her head, bending down to bubble a few more shards. “You shouldn’t be poking that,” she said. “It was erased for a reason. Bringing it back isn’t going to do anyone any good.”

“Something happened, and we need to know what it is,” Steven insisted. Pearl didn’t answer. “Do… Do you _know_ what it is?” She nodded slowly. “But you can’t tell us.” Another nod. “Why?”

“This is Pearl’s subconscious.” It was weird hearing her refer to herself in the third person. “It’s where she buries everything she doesn’t want to think about. She can never forget, so she ignores it, and let’s it all play out over and over in a place she can’t see it. There’s a reason the top level is clean and tidy and has nothing in it but items. There are different sub-levels that are more easily accessible for the memories she wants to keep handy, but the bad stuff is all buried somewhere so she never has to think about it.”

“That’s some great coping she’s got going on,” Amethyst muttered. Steven bit his lip, remembering what Garnet had taught Stevonnie about dealing with their feelings rather than ignoring them. It seemed like Pearl really needed that lesson as well.

“So you remember her first owner and those memories because you’re buried down here with all of it?” Steven guessed.

“That’s right. But I’m not allowed to talk about it. She was meant to forget, but she was also created to remember everything. It went against her programming to let the memories be erased completely. They’re just buried somewhere darker and deeper.”

“Can you help us find them?” Steven pushed. Pearl hesitated.

“Remembering is going to break her,” she said finally.

“No, it won’t. Give her — give yourself — some credit. She’s stronger than that.”

Pearl shook her head, but sighed. “You say that now. But I can’t stop you if she sent you in to find this.”

And again, the light. Steven opened his eyes when he felt the ground reform under his feet, and he looked around. They were on the Moon base, he realized. But why—?

The sound of metal on metal drew their attention, and they turned to see Pearl not too far away, wearing the same dress he had seen in her memory of talking to Pink Diamond. She appeared to be fighting one of her holo-Pearls.

“Nice dress,” Amethyst snorted, but she was drowned out by another voice. A _very_ familiar voice.

“Pearl?” They looked over to see Pink Diamond making her way down the stairs. Pearl gasped, and her holographic opponent disappeared. “What are you doing? Is that a sword?”

Pearl blushed deeply, shoulders hunching up. “My apologies, my Diamond. I thought… if we were going to fight other gems, it would be good for me to know how to fight. I suppose it was a bit stupid to…”

“Have you been teaching _yourself_ how to use that?” Pink Diamond asked in shock. Pearl nodded slowly. “That’s amazing!” Her eyes lit up, and she immediately grabbed Pearl, hugging her tight. Pearl looked stunned. “I didn’t know you could learn to fight! I should have, of course, you’re so brilliant, I don’t know why I’d think there’s something you can’t do.”

“ _Wow_ ,” Amethyst said quietly. “She’s like… a giant pink diamond version of you, Steven.”

“Huh?” Steven looked over at her, then at Garnet. “Really?”

“There are definitely some similarities in your personalities.”

“Show me everything you know,” Pink said, setting Pearl down again. A beeping from upstairs interrupted, and Pink groaned. “ _Yellow_. What does she want now? I’ll be right back.”

She hurried up the stairs without another word. Pearl looked at the sword in her hand, then back at the trio behind her. “So… you can always see us,” Amethyst guessed. “But no one else can?”

“They’re my memories, so I’m the only one you can interact with,” Pearl confirmed quietly. “I’ve relived this memory countless times, I know when something changes about it.”

“Do you… know why we’re here?” Steven asked uncertainly.

“If you’re this far down, you’re looking for something you probably shouldn’t be. But you wouldn’t have gotten in here in the first place if Pearl didn’t want you to find it.”

“We need to find her memories from before she was given to Pink.”

“Why in the stars would you want _those_?”

“Because something happened, and Blue and Yellow Pearl basically told us it has to do with her first owner,” Steven said. “Please, we need to figure this out.”

Pearl sighed. “I can’t stop you,” She said quietly. “But be careful what you wish for.”

And further down they went. “Jeez,” Amethyst said, blinking spots out of her vision. “How many more times do we have to do this?”

“As many as it takes to get us where we need to be,” Garnet replied. Steven looked around, and saw Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamonds standing not too far away. Blue had something in her hands, which were held out to Pink.

“Is she really _mine_?” Pink asked excitedly as they approached, and Steven felt his stomach drop slightly when he realized what — or rather, _who_ — Blue was holding — Pearl. _Their_ Pearl.

“She’s really yours,” Blue said with a small smile. “She _is_ secondhand, we had to wipe her memories and re-train her. If you notice any glitches we can send her back for re-conditioning, but otherwise she’s all for you.”

Pink giggled, scooping Pearl up and hugging her tight. “She’s so _cute_! Thank you Blue!”

“Oh man,” Amethyst muttered, shoulders hunching. “I kind of always thought Peridot was exaggerating when she said Pearls are just objects on Homeworld. She’s acting like she just got a new cat or something.”

“Yeah,” Steven said quietly. “Pearl doesn’t look too upset, though.” In fact, weirdly, she kept the same, patient smile throughout the whole ordeal.

“Of course she doesn’t, they brainwashed her,” Garnet said. Steven was surprised to hear the bitter note on her tone. “Ruby never knew much about how Pearls were trained, but Sapphire did. She’s always regretted not doing more to help when she was on Homeworld.”

“It’s not her fault,” Steven said gently. “I mean, this is… normal on Homeworld. For some reason.”

“No wonder Pearl got so mad at Peridot,” Amethyst said. “I would have punched her, too.”

Steven looked back at the Diamonds, and was surprised to see the entire memory had frozen — save for Pearl, who was walking closer to them.

“You have one more chance to turn back,” she said quietly, her smile gone. Steven had to wonder how self-aware the past Pearls were. But that was a mystery for another time.

“We don’t want a chance to turn back,” Steven insisted. “We’re finishing this.”

Pearl bowed her head, and Steven swore he saw a tear slip down her cheek. “Don’t judge her too harshly. It’s not her fault.”

Light engulfed them before anyone could question that.

It took Steven a moment to realize that weren’t trapped in the light — they were just in a completely white room. “Another for you, my pet,” a voice, smooth as velvet, said from somewhere, and a door to their right slid open, a pair of jaspers shoving a terrified emerald into the room.

“Wait, please!” The emerald begged, tears in her eyes. “I meant nothing by it, your highness, I swear—”

“It’s too late for your excuses,” the voice said, and another door slid open. At first Steven thought it was a ghost — completely white skin, white hair that fell just above the shoulders, a white leotard with a silk lining. But no, it was a gem. A gem with two swords at her side, head bowed.

“ _Please_.” The emerald’s voice broke.

“Don’t worry. If she’s in a good mood, she might make it quick. Proceed.”

The white gem moved, quick as a flash, and was suddenly in front of the emerald, one sword aimed straight for the gem on the emerald’s arm. She yelled in pain and surprise as the blade hit its target, and her gem cracked.

“Oh.” The voice sounded amused. “I suppose she isn’t feeling merciful either. That’s too bad for you.”

The emerald stumbled and fell onto her back, her form glitching, and the sword-wielding gem stepped on the arm the gem was embedded in, holding her in place. “Please,” the emerald whimpered. “I’m _sorry_ …”

The gem sheathed one sword and held the other out, twisting the tip into into the cracked gem. They watched in horror as the emerald screamed in pain for nearly a minute before her gem gave under the pressure, and it shattered.

Steven yelled in surprise, stumbling back, and Garnet caught him. He’d never seen a gem _shattered_ before — Pink Diamond’s fake execution didn’t count. The emerald screamed before her form glitched out of existence, glittering dust hover in the air where she had once been. Her gem was in three large chunks on the floor.

“Very good,” the voice said, and another door opened. A large, large gem, completely white just like the smaller gem, stepped inside the room, walking to the other gem and kneeling in front of her. “My good little pet,” she hummed.

“Thank you, my Diamond,” the gem replied in a monotone. The voice shook Steven to his core. He knew that voice. _He knew it_.

The large gem reached out, tucking one large finger under the small gem’s chin, tilting her head up. Her hair fell back, and they saw her face for the first time. Her vividly _familiar_ blue eyes.

“My good little Pearl.”

It felt like something had hooked the back of Steven’s shirt and yanked him back. The memory faded, and more flashed by his eyes as the trio was dragged back, out of Pearl’s gem.

Steven, Amethyst, and Garnet tumbled out onto the floor of the beach house, landing in a heap on the floor. Steven shook his head to reorient himself, finding Pearl. She was on her knees on the floor, one hand pressed firmly over her mouth, as if she were about to be sick, her chest heaving as she breathed heavily.

“Was… was that real?” Amethyst asked after a moment. Steven disentangled himself from Garnet and Amethyst, standing in front of Pearl.

“Pearl…?”

She recoiled from him, her other hand coming up to her head, fingers tangling in her hair. “What?” Peridot asked, looking between everyone. “What happened? What did you see?”

Garnet pushed herself onto her knees, turning to look at Blue and Yellow Pearls, who both looked horrified. “That was White Diamond,” she said in a surprisingly calm tone. They nodded slowly. “Pearl used to serve White Diamond.”

“It was more than that,” Blue said quietly. “What else did you see?”

“She… She shattered another gem,” Amethyst said, sounding slightly sick. “It looked like an execution.”

Yellow nodded. “She… your Pearl was the original, the first one, grown by White Diamond herself. She’s the one the rest of us were based on. Back then, White Diamond had… very different ideas of what a Pearl could be. She wanted more than a servant. She wanted a gem by her side who could fight, who could protect her.”

“White Diamond was very paranoid,” Blue continued in a small voice. “She trained her Pearl to fight, using gems found guilty of crimes to train her. She was nearly two thousand years old when we were created. Our Diamonds disagreed with what Pearls should be for — they wanted servants. White Diamond wanted an assassin.”

Pearl whimpered, and Steven tried to reach for her, but she pulled back again.

“So,” Peridot said slowly, “White Diamond trained her Pearl — _that_ Pearl—” She pointed to the gem in question, “to be an _assassin_?”

“The early days of Homeworld, before the Diamonds had fully established their authority, were… tricky,” Yellow said carefully. “There were gems who thought they could do better, gems who thought the diamonds were wrong, gems who tried to rise up and overthrow the Diamonds. White sent her Pearl to shatter them before they could cause any problems. Once the hierarchy was established, there was less need for her — a criminal here or there would need to be shattered, whispers about rebellion would be investigated and the offenders would be disposed of. But White was starting to lose control of the Pearl. She had created the perfect killing machine, then expected it to follow orders.”

“When Pink Diamond came along, White saw an opportunity,” Blue continued. “She erased her Pearl’s memories and had her retrained, turning her into the perfect, docile servant she was supposed to be. The other Diamonds never knew. She ordered our silence because we knew her Pearl, and she knew we’d recognize her. But she changed her appearance enough that the other Diamonds were none the wiser. She told them her Pearl had been malfunctioning, so she shattered her, and replaced her with a new one.”

“I…” Everyone looked back at Pearl, who was staring at her hands and shaking. “I… I never…”

“White Diamond knew when the war started that it was you had gone rogue,” Yellow said. “She couldn’t admit it, because it would mean admitting her mistake to the others, and the rebellion had already put everyone on edge. Our Diamonds would have turned against her, and Pink Diamond loved her Pearl. She would have been horrified to find out her past.”

A stony silence fell over the group. It broke when Pearl vaulted off the floor, running out the front door. “Pearl!” Steven yelled, hurrying after her. She was already halfway down the beach and almost out sight when Steven got out onto the porch.

“What in the world is going on?”

Steven looked up to see Blue and Yellow Diamonds standing over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review?


	4. Processing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone tries to deal with this new information. Some handle it better than others.

The Diamonds stared down at their Pearls in shock. “You hid this from us,” Yellow Diamond said slowly, “for eight _thousand_ years?”

“Forgive us, my Diamond,” Yellow Pearl half-begged. “White Diamond ordered our silence, there was nothing we could do.”

“How _dare_ she!” The Diamond raged, fists clenching. “Who does she think she is?!”

“Yellow.” Blue Diamond rested a hand on her shoulder. She was surprisingly not infuriated by the whole thing.

“We _told_ her over and over and over training her Pearl like that was a bad idea, and then she _lied_ to us, and let us give a _murderer_ to Pink!”

Steven was standing by the railing, looking out in the direction Pearl had run, desperately wishing she would just come back. She didn’t.

“No wonder she disappeared after the war! She couldn’t face us and tell us _she_ had created the Pearl that rebelled!”

Blue sighed, looking down at her own Pearl. “Did you know?” She asked. “When we saw her at the sky arena, the day she and Rose Quartz attacked. Did you know who she was?”

“I did, my Diamond,” Blue Pearl said quietly, bowing her head. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t tell you.”

“We kind of thought she was the one who shattered Pink Diamond,” Yellow Pearl admitted, exchanging a guilty look with Blue. Steven straightened up, eyes wide as something occurred to him.

“That’s why you two were looking at each other during my trial, isn’t it?” He asked the Pearls. “When Zircon asked where Pink’s Pearl was.”

They nodded slowly. “This is unbelievable!” Yellow Diamond burst out, throwing her arms in the air and turning away. “Of _all_ the gems I would suspect of lying to me — _White_! My own Pearl!”

Yellow Pearl winced. “It’s not their fault,” Steven spoke up. “Mom did the same thing to Pearl, when she faked her shattering. She made it so Pearl couldn’t talk about it.”

Yellow Diamond looked ready to punch something. Blue grabbed her arm before she accidentally leveled the house or something similarly disastrous. “Shouldn’t we find Pearl?” Connie spoke up, frowning. “I mean, if all of this is coming back for some reason, and she has another episode…”

“Connie’s right,” Garnet said. “We need to find her.”

Steven frowned, looking out at the beach. If Pearl had used the warp pad, he would have assumed she’d gone to the fountain or strawberry fields, which were her usual go-to places when she needed to be alone. But running out? Where would she go that wasn’t accessible by warp pad?

“Let’s split up and—”

“Oh!” Steven yelled, snapping his fingers, and everyone jumped. “I think I know where she is. Lion!” He yelled that last part as he ran down the stairs, and the pink lion came out from under the porch, yawning.

“Steven, hang on!” Connie called down. “What if she attacks you?”

“It’ll be fine,” Steven replied, hopping up onto Lion. “I’ve got my shield, and Lion can get me out quick.”

“But—”

“We can’t go at her treating her like the enemy,” Amethyst pointed out. “She’s high strung enough on a normal day, if she thinks we’re turning against her, she might snap.”

Everyone frowned, considering the options. Steven was getting ready to just go when Lapis said, “I’ll follow him. I can watch from the air, Pearl never has to know I’m nearby.”

Garnet nodded. “That’ll work. Go.”

Lapis took off into the air, and Lion ran forward, Steven gripping his mane. He hoped he was right, and they weren’t just wasting time.

It had been over a year since Holo Pearl had cut down Pearl’s favorite tree. She had immediately re-planted it when Steven had given in and told the truth about what had happened while she was gone. He wasn’t sure _how_ she had gotten it to grow so fast, but it was already looming over the hill as Steven approached. They got to the top of the hill, and Steven hopped down, looking up at the sky for a moment. He couldn’t see Lapis, but he trusted she was there.

“Pearl?” He called, stepping forward. He didn’t hear anything, and was almost convinced she wasn’t there until he walked around the tree and saw her curled up in its shadow, both hands pressed tight to her mouth, eyes squeezed shut. He frowned, reaching out to her shoulder.

“Don’t.” The words came through tightly clenched teeth as Pearl’s hands moved to her head, fingers tangling in her hair. Steven clenched his hand for a moment, debating, then finally walked forward and wrapped her in a tight hug. He was surprised and pleased when she didn’t throw him off.

“None of that was you,” he said quietly. “What Blue and Yellow were talking about—”

“Was _me_ , Steven,” Pearl interrupted, her voice cracking as tears filled her eyes. “That was _me_. I remember. I remember being in that room…” she shuddered, “for hours and days, while she threw in gem after gem, all bigger than me. They nearly shattered me a few times, but she… she could heal. I think my gem actually broke once, and she fixed it.”

“You remember?” Steven repeated. Pearl nodded miserably.

“It’s starting to come back, slowly. The actual gems are a bit of a blur, but I remember fighting. I remember _hunting_.” She shuddered, curling tighter into herself. “She couldn’t erase the memories completely. She could force me to forget them, but she couldn’t stop my subconscious from keeping them. They’ve just been locked down there, all this time…”

“But that’s not _you_ ,” Steven insisted. “That’s the past. It’s not who you are today. You’re smart, and amazing, and you taught yourself things no other pearl has ever tried. You bake cookies for me even though you never eat them and you have to fight Amethyst off because she wants the dough. You used to put band aids on my knees and elbows when I fell off my bike. You watched me _sleep_ , which was a little creepy, but I know it was because you cared about me. You’re pretty much my mom in every way that counts. Who you were ten-thousand years ago doesn’t matter. Just like it doesn’t matter that Garnet’s a fusion, or Amethyst overcooked, or Peridot called Yellow Diamond a clod once. It was important at the time, but it’s in the past now.”

“It’s not, though, is it?” Pearl asked quietly. “Something made me attack you and Connie. Something went wrong.”

“Maybe it was a fluke?” Steven guessed. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. But you have to come home for us to do that. Please.”

It took a moment, but finally Pearl slowly unwound her arms, moving to pull Steven into a hug that he happily returned. They would get to the bottom of this. Somehow.

Pearl stood after a small bit of coaxing, letting Steven pull her back to Lion so they could go home. They took the scenic route rather than teleporting so Pearl could have some time to compose herself, and so Lapis could get back without looking like she had been following the entire time. Pearl didn’t say much, and Steven kept one hand firmly clasped around hers the entire time, partly because he was afraid she would run. Mostly because he wanted to comfort her.

Everyone was still outside, sitting on the beach now, presumably recounting to the Diamonds what Steven, Amethyst, and Garnet had seen in Pearl’s memories. Connie was the first to notice they were back, as Steven and Pearl hopped off Lion.

“You found her!” Lapis was sitting next to Peridot and had probably already told them as much, but Connie did a good job at sounding surprised as she jumped up and ran over, immediately wrapping her arms around Pearl’s waist. Pearl was shocked for a second before gently returning the hug.

“What’d we miss?” Steven asked, walking over to drop down and sit next to Amethyst. Yellow Diamond looked slightly less murderous, so he took that as a good sign.

“Nothing you didn’t already know,” Amethyst assured him. “Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there—” She jerked her thumb at the Blue and Yellow Pearls, “have been telling us a bit more about White Diamonds experiments, but nothing groundbreaking.”

“Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum?” Yellow Pearl repeated. “Should we be offended?”

“No, no, definitely not. It’s the highest form of praise.”

“Amethyst!” Steven tried not to laugh as he shoved her shoulder. Pearl was still standing a ways back, Connie in front of her like she was trying to guard her.

“We should have known,” Blue Diamond said quietly, shaking her head. “White never would have disposed of her pearl because of a small malfunction. At the very least we should have _guessed_ when the renegade pearl turned up using swords.”

Pearl wrapped her arms tight around herself, staring at the sand. She had always been so proud of her self-taught sword skills. Even _those_ were a lie, though.

“How were _we_ supposed to know she would pull such an underhanded trick?” Yellow, in contrast, sounded disgusted. “She let us give that pearl to _Pink_!”

“And to be absolutely fair,” Garnet spoke up, “Pearl defended Rose Quartz during the war like her life depended on it. They used to get into fights over it.”

Pearl remembered those. The fights had become outright shouting matches more than once when they both refused to back down — Pearl stubbornly insisting Rose’s life meant more than her own, Rose insisting that they were equal, and Pearl should _never_ feel like she had to sacrifice her life.

“So White got the defensive part right,” Yellow sneered. “Glad she did _something_.”

They were interrupted by the sound of the house door opening. “Heeeey, where is everyone?” Bismuth called, walking out onto the porch, several sheathed swords clutched in her hands. “I’ve got—” She froze when she saw the group assembled on the beach. “Well, this isn’t good,” she guessed, jumping over the porch railing and landing with a dull thud. “What’s going on?”

It was Peridot who spoke up. “The really, _really_ short version is that Pearl served White Diamond before she served Pink Diamond, and she was an a servant slash guard slash executioner slash assassin, but White Diamond erased all of that when she started malfunctioning and gave her to Pink to hide rather than shattering her.”

Bismuth blinked a few times, the swords dropping from her hands. “You know,” she said after a moment, “life was less confusing when I was in the bubble. _What_? Where—?” She looked around frantically, eyes locking on Pearl, and she rushed forward without another word, immediately scooping Pearl into what would have been a bone crushing hug for a human. Pearl didn’t say anything, but her arms did wrap around Bismuth’s neck as she clung to the other gem. “What brought all this up?”

“Uh…” Steven rubbed the back of his head. “She kind of went into a trance or something and almost attacked me and Connie. We’re trying to figure out what caused it. Sorry we didn’t tell you sooner, everything happened kind of fast.”

“Yeesh.” Bismuth set Pearl down, but didn’t let her go. “I mean, it’s okay, obviously things have been happening, but _yeesh_. And no one knows what happened?”

“She had that headache right before it happened,” Peridot pointed out. “I still think it’s something wrong with her gem. It has to be.”

“She was cracked, wasn’t she?” Blue Diamond asked. “Perhaps it rattled something.”

“Please, any day Pearl wasn’t cracked during the war was considered a good day,” Bismuth said. “Wait.” She took Pearl by the shoulders and pulled her away to meet her eyes. “Is _this_ why you were so protective of Rose?”

“I was protective of Rose because if she had been poofed, everyone would have seen she was a diamond,” Pearl said wearily. “Something she always seemed to forget when she went rushing into danger.”

“Fair,” Bismuth admitted grudgingly. “The point is, her gem was cracked a _lot_ , and she never got weird or assassin-y on any of us. I mean, unless you count the time Biggs thought it would be funny to sneak up behind her and scare her—”

“She deserved that,” Pearl muttered.

“She did,” Garnet added.

“She did,” Bismuth agreed. “It’s gotta be more than the crack, though. How’re you feeling now? I mean, besides the self-hate, I can see that all over your face.”

“Head still hurts a bit,” Pearl admitted, eyes fixed on the ground. “Not like it did, though.”

“I think Peridot’s right,” Connie said. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

“But her gem is _fine_ ,” Steven insisted. “I healed it _and_ put it in the fountain for an hour just to be extra sure, and we cleaned out the crack before we healed her.”

“Hm.” Connie frowned. “Is there any way we could… I don’t know, x-ray her gem? Maybe there’s something we missed.”

“I don’t think it works like—”

“Well,” Blue Pearl spoke up quietly. “Excuse me for speaking out of turn, my Diamond, but there _is_ a device on board the ship that we use for processing gems. Although…” She shot an uncertain look at the busted blue arm. “It’s probably water logged.”

“Do you think you can find it?” Blue Diamond asked the Pearl.

“Yes, my Diamond.” The smaller gem saluted and started off toward the ship. Steven sighed, staring after her. He was glad Pearl had gotten away from Homeworld — the way the Pearls seemed to bend so easily to what their Diamonds wanted was sad and a little weird.

Bismuth still had a strong arm around Pearl’s shoulders, keeping her close. She really was taking all this strangeness well. “So what do we know once we figure out what’s going on?” She asked, looking around.

“You bubble me,” Pearl said quietly. “If I’m a danger to anyone, you can’t let me be free.”

“Absolutely not,” Garnet said, standing. “You’re not corrupted. We find a way to fix it, just like we always do.”

Pearl crossed her arms tight across her chest, raising her eyes to look at Garnet. “I’m _still_ dangerous.”

“Please, we can take you,” Amethyst piped up. “You let _Peridot_ take you out earlier. You can’t be that tough.”

“Hey!” Peridot protested. Pearl shook her head, looking away.

“Found it,” Blue Pearl said as she walked up behind Bismuth and Pearl.

“Gah!” Bismuth jumped. “Someone needs to put a bell on you Pearls. How do you walk around all quiet like that?”

“Training.”

“Conditioning.”

“Programming.”

All three answered at the same time. “Man,” Amethyst said, looking around. “Pearl life on Homeworld sounds like it sucks.”

“Is the device at all functional?” Blue Diamond asked her Pearl. She was _surprisingly_ patient with the Crystal Gems. Probably because of Steven.

“No, my Diamond. It was submerged in water.”

“We can probably fix it,” Peridot said, holding a hand for the small device that looked like something the cashiers at stores used to scan items. “I’ve worked with these before, and water damage is easy enough to fix. I can have it working by tomorrow morning, probably.”

“I hope you’re more careful with that than you were with that ship Yellow Diamond gave you,” Yellow Pearl muttered. Peridot scowled.

“I’ll have you know I lied to protect Steven and the others. They’re the ones who crashed it.”

Amethyst, Garnet, and Steven looked at Peridot, the gems in exasperation, the boy just a little amused. “Well, there’s nothing we can do until it’s fixed,” Steven said, looking around. “Hey Bismuth, what’s with the swords?”

“Oh!” Bismuth beamed, hurrying back to the swords he’d dropped. “I made a couple for Connie, since I wasn’t sure what she liked, but Pearl’s been training her and I know what _she_ likes, so most of these are based on blades I made for her. And this one…” She picked out one sword, holding it up, “is for Pearl.”

Connie looked absolutely delighted as she went to examine the swords for her. Pearl hesitated, though. The thought of touching a sword made her head spin. “I’ll… look later,” she mumbled, taking a step back.

“I figured,” Bismuth said with a small smile. “It’s okay.”

It wasn’t, not really. Nothing was okay. “I think I’m just going to go to my room,” she said quietly, heading for the house.

“Um…” Amethyst spoke up uncertainly. “Maybe you… shouldn’t be alone.”

Pearl gritted her teeth, fists clenched. Amethyst was right, and she hated it. “I’ll go with you,” Garnet said, standing. Garnet didn’t mind long silences, and she had a feeling Pearl wasn’t going to be talking much. Pearl nodded once, and the two went inside together.

“Oh, wow.” Connie’s eyes were wide as she unsheathed a particularly long blade. Rose’s sword had been fine, of course, but it had been made for someone with much larger hands. Before that she had used Pearl’s swords, which were all made for her slimmer hands. Connie had never held a sword that fit perfectly in her hands. She loved it. “Steven, come here, Stevonnie gets an opinion on swords too.”

“Right!” Steven hopped up, running over to Connie. Amethyst smiled as they fused, but it faded as she looked away, sighing.

“What’s wrong?” Peridot asked.

“Nothing really, just… Pearl.” Amethyst shrugged. “She’s a basket case at the best of times, and this is already getting in her head.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed she cries a lot.”

“That’s not even the half of it,” Amethyst said. “Talk to her about Rose some time, see what kind of reaction you get.”

“I actively avoid that particular subject,” Peridot said dryly. “It’s not worth getting my head ripped off over.” She held up the gem scanner. “I’m going to get to work on this. Maybe we can get it fixed and avoid any massive meltdowns.”

Amethyst cast a gloomy look at the house. She had a feeling they were already passed that point.


	5. Fighting It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby and Sapphire put their heads together to figure out how to cheer Pearl up after the recent revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you guys think you're helping by pointing out every single typo I make, but you're kind of just making me feel crappy for not catching them on the eight types I read through the chapter before posting it. Please remember this is fanfiction, it's a -hobby-. I'm also a semi-professional writer (freelancer and self-published author) - fanfiction is my attempt to keep all the fun from being sucked out of something I love. And while I obviously do my best to put out the cleanest chapters I can, I'm one person and I'm only human. And yes, I've considered finding a beta, but again, fanfiction is what I do to make sure I still have -fun- writing. If I'm not having fun anymore, then what's the point? That's exactly what drove me out of my last fandom, and I'd rather not repeat history here.
> 
> Just... please, try to remember that I'm human, and that these chapters are read multiple times before I put them up. If something gets missed... then it's missed, and I'll probably see it later and hate myself for not catching it. Please don't add to that hate.
> 
> Thank you -Sam

_We should do something._

_Like what?_

_I don_ _’t know, but… look at her_.

Garnet’s eyes fixed on Pearl, who was sitting on the edge of the water pillar, feet dangling over as she looked into the endless depths below.

_I don_ _’t think this is something we can help her with._

_No, but we know what it_ _’s like to feel like our entire lives are based on a lie. We can relate to that, at least._

_Oh, I do love it when you use logic, Ruby. Okay_.

Garnet stood, and in a glow of light Ruby and Sapphire appeared, going to sit on either side of Pearl. “Don’t tell me I’m the reason you’re split up _again_ ,” Pearl mumbled.

“No!” Ruby said quickly. “I mean, yes, technically. But it’s to help you, not because we’re angry or anything.”

“And it wasn’t your fault before,” Sapphire added. “You can’t take responsibility for every bad thing, Pearl.”

“Seems like every bad thing is because of me lately.” Pearl wrapped her arms around herself. “I’m the one with all the secrets.”

“That’s not your fault, either,” Sapphire said. “You’re older than all of us — older than we _thought_ , admittedly, but still. Of course you’re going to know more and have more secrets. You spent half of your life on Homeworld, and most of us know how Pearls are treated. There’s stuff you don’t want to talk about. Stuff you _can_ _’t_ talk about. And this isn’t your fault. You’re just as much a victim in this as anyone else.”

“Yeah.” Pearl laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, _I_ _’m_ a victim. I don’t even know how many gems I shattered, I can’t remember them all. _I_ can’t remember. Think about that for a minute.”

“You didn’t ask for any of that!” Ruby protested. “White Diamond used you, just like the Diamonds always use everyone. Uh.” She hesitated. “Well. Not Pink, I guess. But Blue and Yellow treat any gem they think are below them like they’re just tools. Do you know how many times Blue told my team we could be shattered and replaced within an hour? That’s how disposable Rubies are to her. I know they’re out there acting all nice with Steven, but they’re still horrible tyrants.”

“Ruby,” Sapphire scolded her wife gently.

“What? It’s true.”

“Well… yes,” Sapphire admitted. “I hope Steven’s had _some_ impact on them, though. He’s good at changing people without trying.” She shook her head. “That isn’t the point, though. The point is, none of this is your fault.”

“Does it really matter whose fault it is, though?” Pearl asked, still staring down. “Does it matter if it’s White Diamond’s or mine? _I_ _’m_ the one who’s going to hurt people. And that’s on me.”

“Pearl if this was anyone else in your position, you wouldn’t even think to blame them,” Ruby said. “We can’t control what’s been done to us in the past. We never asked for any of it. Besides, you’re still _you_. You’ll find a way to control it. If what happened with Steven and Connie wasn’t a freak accident.”

“I don’t think it was,” Pearl whispered. Ruby looked desperately at Sapphire, the question in her eyes obvious: _do you see anything?_

And in truth, Sapphire saw a lot. She saw a path where Pearl let this consume her and tried to shatter herself out of some misplaced attempt to keep from hurting anyone. She saw a path where Pearl lost the fight to whatever programming had resurfaced, and they really were forced to bubble her. She saw a path where Pearl overcame it all. She saw dozens of different outcomes, and they all depended on what decisions Pearl made.

The problem was that Pearl, much like Ruby, was unpredictable. Not in the same, rash way as Ruby; Pearl was more erratic than anything. She let the past influence the future, she had secrets Sapphire couldn’t even begin to account for in her visions, she was driven so hard by her emotions and her lack of self-preservation that it was almost impossible to predict what she would do next. Bismuth had asked Garnet once, during the war, if Pearl was going to see the end of it. And Garnet hadn’t been able to definitively say yes. Even today, Garnet was sure if Pearl could have traded places with one of the corrupted gems, saved someone who deserved it more in her eyes, she would have in a heartbeat.

But Sapphire couldn’t say all that in one gaze; she shook her head before turning her attention back to Pearl. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Pearl. You need to believe that, though.”

Pearl shuddered, covering her face with her hands. “I don’t feel strong right now,” she murmured.

“I know you don’t,” Sapphire said. “But you can’t be constantly afraid of this. It’s not going to do you any good to let it eat you alive.”

“Oh!” Ruby jumped up, excitement flashing her eyes. “I know what we can do!”

“What’s that?” Sapphire asked. Unpredictable Ruby again. It was a good thing Sapphire loved her.

“Beat things up! That always makes me feel better when I’m upset.”

“Right,” Pearl said sarcastically. “Put a weapon in my hands. That’s a great idea.”

“Pearl.” Ruby slapped her hand against her face. “You can’t be afraid to touch a weapon ever again. That’ll hurt someone long before you do.”

“We can go to the sky arena,” Sapphire suggested. Beating things up wasn’t generally her way of dealing with things, but Ruby had a point — Pearl needed to be comfortable holding a weapon, no matter how scared she was. And helping her take back some control might do some good. “Just the three of us, and Garnet can knock you out if anything goes wrong.”

“And we can just beat up a bunch of your holograms if you want,” Ruby added. “We don’t have to fight each other or anything.”

Pearl looked between them for a moment. “Okay,” she said at last. “Let’s go.”

It was getting dark out — how had the day passed so quickly? — but everyone was still outside. Sapphire decided against bothering them, leaving a note on the counter before they warped away.

 

* * *

 

“Just let me see it Peridot, I can help get some of the water out—”

“I can handle this!”

Steven yawned, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. It was a little after seven, which he supposed was an acceptable time to wake up. Lapis and Peridot were on the couch, fiddling with the scanner they had gotten from Blue Diamond.

“How’s it going?” He asked as he made his way downstairs, heading for the bathroom.

“It might be a _bit_ more damaged than I thought,” Peridot admitted grudgingly.

“There’s still water in it and she won’t let me help get it out,” Lapis added, and Peridot scowled. Steven knew fixing things was a point of pride for her — she hated having to ask for help with anything.

He walked by the counter, pausing when he saw a note in unfamiliar hand writing.

 _Took Pearl to the Sky Arena. Be back in a few hours_.

Steven hummed, looking back at Lapis and Peridot. “Have you guys seen Pearl and Garnet?”

“No,” Lapis said, leaning over Peridot’s arm to get a better look at the scanner. “Look, there’s some trapped behind that… thing.”

“Hmph!” Peridot harumphed in return, shaking the thing. “This is more primitive than I’d expect a _Diamond_ to be using. It’s at least several thousand years old.”

“It doesn’t sound like Blue Diamond’s done much except mope around and cry for the last five thousand years. I’m not surprised things are outdated on her ship.”

They weren’t going to be any help, Steven thought with a sigh. He went to get ready, then headed out on his own to the Sky Arena, curious about why they had gone there of all places.

The sound of weapons clanging together reached his ears when he arrived at the Sky Arena, and Steven frowned, hurrying forward. He was mostly assured Pearl wouldn’t have kidnapped Garnet or anything… but why were they fighting?

He hurried up the steps, into the temple. The first thing Steven was a small red blur running at Pearl, who brought up her sword to block the blow. Ruby, Steven realized as Pearl threw her back.

“Steven,” a calm voice said, and they looked over to see Sapphire sitting in the stands, watching Ruby and Pearl. Steven grinned.

“Hey Sapphire.” He went over to sit with her. “What’s going on?”

“Ruby thought it might be a good idea for Pearl to blow off some steam. They started out fighting holograms together, but Ruby got bored and picked a fight. They’ve been at this for a couple hours now, and were fighting holograms for at least nine hours before. I’m sure they’ll tire themselves out soon.”

“Wow.” Steven went to sit with Sapphire. “Why’d you guys unfuse?”

“We thought two heads might be better than one for handling this. You saw how upset Pearl was.”

“Yeah.” Steven frowned, looking at the ground. He had seen Pearl upset a _lot_ , but that dead-eyed stare she’d had when she and Garnet had gone inside was probably the worst thing he’d ever seen. “Did she say anything?”

“She blames herself. That’s nothing new, though,” Sapphire said. “She’s been taking the blame for things that aren’t her fault since the war. She didn’t speak for nearly three days after the corruption, and when she finally did, her first words were _I_ _’m sorry_. I realize now she was probably blaming herself because of her part in Pink Diamond’s fake shattering, but even if we’d had that information at the time, we wouldn’t have blamed her.”

“Man.” Steven looked back out into the arena, watching Pearl dance around Ruby effortlessly. “Why is she like that?”

“Part of it can probably be attributed to her nature as a Pearl,” Sapphire replied. “Ruby and I couldn’t quite figure out how to stay together in the beginning. We spent a lot of time apart and trying to figure things out. But I noticed Pearl was always a little tense around me, likely because I was technically a higher classed gem. This was the start of the rebellion; we were all trying to figure out our places still. I think it was worse for Pearl because she’d never lived without someone to order her along.”

Steven flashed back to the ship they had once cornered Peridot on, to the room Garnet and Pearl had been trapped in.

“ _I’m just a Pearl. I’m useless on my own. I need someone to tell me what to do_.”

And that was _after_ five-thousand years of freedom, losing Rose, fighting in a war. Steven couldn’t imagine what it had been like in the beginning. What _any_ of them had been like.

“She was always comfortable around Ruby, though,” Sapphire continued, still watching her wife and Pearl has they dashed around the arena. “They used to train together like this a lot. Pearl was already a talented a sword fighter, but I think working with a trained soldier helped her refine a lot of those skills. And Ruby, well… she’s dangerous when she’s left alone with nothing to do.” Sapphire smiled fondly. “She needs to be occupied or bad things start happening.”

“She made a _really_ good cowboy,” Steven pointed out.

“She did.” Sapphire’s smile grew, and she blushed just a little. “When she sets her mind on something, she makes it happen.”

“And it has to be perfect,” Steven said. “We sat on the beach for like an hour waiting for the sun to start setting before she let me go in and get you.”

Sapphire gaped for a moment, then laughed. “That sounds about right. Either she rushes in without thinking or she has unbelievable patience.”

Steven chuckled, enjoying the moment of calm. It felt like things kept happening. They all just needed a break. “So how are you?” he asked Sapphire. “I mean, I know you’re great because you just got married and all, but how are… other things?”

He didn’t need to define ‘other things’. Sapphire frowned, clearly giving the question the thought it deserved. “I don’t think I’m mad at Rose anymore,” she said. “I won’t pretend I necessarily _understand_ all the choices she made — I doubt even Pearl understands all of them — but I can see why she did the things that she did. I just… wish she had told us herself, after the war. Or even during it. Garnet would have followed her no matter what. But I can see why she’d be afraid to reveal it to the rebellion as a whole. As I’m sure you can imagine, we were very anti-Diamond. After, though, when it was just her, Garnet, and Pearl… I wish she had told us. Or that she’d let Pearl tell us after she was gone. Anything would have been better than finding out the way we did.”

“Yeah.” Steven cringed. “Sorry about that, I was kind of in shock.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Sapphire assured him. “Pearl knew we were standing there, and she didn’t stop you from saying it. I think she had to wait for you to say it before she could talk about it.”

Ruby swung at Pearl, and she jumped out of the way, pushing off into the air. “Why are Pearls like that?” Steven asked. “I mean, I get that they’re servants or whatever, but I think Yellow and Blue Pearls would actually walk off a cliff if their Diamonds told them to.”

“Without question or hesitation,” Sapphire said with a nod. “Pearls are unique. Most gems come out of the ground already knowing what their purpose is. When I first formed, I saw my entire life laid out in front of, a straight, linear line, from that moment until the day my gem was shattered. Ruby, of course, threw all of that off. Rubies and Amethysts and Quartzes are all born knowing their purpose in life is to fight, to defend Homeworld, to lay down their lives for the Diamond Authority.

“Pearls are different in almost every way. Most gems can be injected into the ground in mass quantities — well, you’ve seen the kindergartens.” Steven nodded. “Pearls are farmed in synthesized water on Homeworld, and have to be tended to multiple times throughout the process of their growth. When they form, they’re essentially blank states, and they’re immediately sent off for education and conditioning.”

“If they’re so hard to make, why are they treated as servants?” Steven asked, confused. “I mean, I don’t want anyone to be a servant, but Pearls sound like they’re kind of a big deal.”

“They’re customizable,” Sapphire said simply. “You’ve met other Rubies and other Amethysts. While they all have unique personalities, of course, they are, at their core, all the same gem. Pearls can be created specifically for one gem, however. Look at Blue and Yellow — everything about them is based on the Diamonds they were made for, right down to their personalities. Yellow Pearl has a stronger personality because no one survives long under Yellow Diamond if they’re mentally weak. Blue Pearl is quieter because Blue Diamond demands peace and tranquility within her court. A Pearl can become basically anything their future master wants. I can only imagine what White Diamond did to form the Pearl _she_ wanted.”

Steven shuddered. He didn’t want to think about that.

Ruby knocked the sword out of Pearl’s hands, and Pearl drew her spear without hesitation, jamming it into the ground to vault over Ruby. She launched off right as Ruby punched the spear, twirling through the air and landing beside her fallen sword. In the moment of stillness, Steven could see them both breathing heavily. Then Ruby started laughing.

“ _Man_ that was fun! I haven’t fought like that in centuries!” She fell over, still laughing. “We should spar more often!”

“We should,” Pearl agreed, smiling a bit. “When was the last time we did this?”

“Years and _years._ ” Ruby’s voice was full of wonder. “I mean, you spar with Garnet a lot, but that’s not the same for me…”

Ruby’s voice was drowned out by a sudden buzzing in Pearl’s ears, and pain spiked through her head.

“Pearl?” Ruby straightened up as Pearl’s eyes went very wide, her pupils very small, and her sword slipped from her hands. Across the arena, Steven and Sapphire stood.

_**Get out** _ _._

_She was in her room, the white room, watching as a Sodalite was shoved in with her. Gem trafficking. Punishment was execution by shattering. She sighed, readying her swords. Boring._

_**Get. Out!** _

_Put on a show, her master had said. Homeworld is watching. Let them know you_ _’re something to be feared._

“No!” Pearl gasped, startled, as her eyes flew open. She was back in the Sky Arena, on her knees, shaking and breathing hard. Ruby, Sapphire, and Steven were all standing around her, Ruby with her gauntlets at the ready.

“Pearl?” Steven asked uncertainly.

“I’m okay,” Pearl muttered, not quite looking at any of them even as Sapphire moved to help her stand. That voice… it had been _her_ talking. Pearl knew it.

“What did you see?” Sapphire asked. “Oh… let’s sit first, actually.”

“Future vision sees me falling over face first?” Pearl guessed in a mumble, mostly letting the others lead the way as she closed her eyes. Just like before, it felt as if someone had driven something sharp into the side of her head.

“It’s a very likely outcome,” Sapphire admitted. They sat, and Pearl rested her head in her hands, massaging her temples. She wasn’t looking forward to warping back to the house.

“So what happened?” Ruby asked. Pearl took a minute to compose herself before answering.

“I was back in that room… the white room, the one you saw me in my memories. Something tells me I was there a lot. There was a Sodalite, she looked terrified…”

She shuddered, pausing to swallow hard. “I… I think she spoke to me,” she mumbled. “I heard a voice. It sounded like me but also… not me.”

Ruby and Sapphire exchanged nervous looks while Steven hugged Pearl from behind.


	6. What Is Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl continues to fail at coping with the new revelations. Peridot tries to fix the scanner. Nothing is really okay.
> 
> Special Guest Star: Sardonyx

The living room floor was covered in pieces of what they could only assume was the scanner when they warped back in.

“Nobody move!” Peridot said before they could even step off the pad. “I have a very delicate system here, there can be no interruptions.”

“What… are you doing?” Ruby asked slowly.

“She took the entire scanner apart,” Lapis said from the couch, her eyes fixed on a book. “Now she’s trying to put it back together.”

“Why did you take the _entire_ scanner apart?”

“So I could fix it, obviously,” Peridot said, rolling her eyes at Steven’s ignorance. “Nobody can walk through here until I’m done, though.”

Steven leaned forward, seeing that parts where scattered all over the place. “Um, the bathroom is blocked.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem as long as you don’t have to use it,” Peridot said without looking up from her work.

“Well I kind of have to use it.”

Peridot looked up, her lips pressed into a thin line. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“We can’t even get to the front door,” Pearl pointed out. “What are we supposed to do?”

“You have your temple rooms, go in those.”

“That doesn’t help with my problem,” Steven piped up. There was a quick flash of light behind him.

“Hang on,” Garnet spoke up, grabbing Steven and picking him up. “Ready?”

“For what?”

Garnet answered by throwing him, and he yelled in surprise and delight as he flew through the air, landing safely on his bed. “Well, I got to my bed. Now what?”

“Go down the stairs and go outside.”

“Argh,” Steven groaned, flopping back on his bed. “I swear I’m going to start keeping track of how many times you guys make me do this…”

Garnet smiled, watching as he left. The sound of the temple doors opening drew her attention, and she turned to see Pearl walking slowly into her room. She followed without thinking. Leaving Pearl alone after what had happened was a bad idea, and she knew it. Pearl didn’t protest; Garnet wasn’t sure she noticed.

They hopped through a few of the pillars before Pearl finally found one she was happy with settling on and she lied down on her back, staring gloomily at the starry sky, her hands crossed on her stomach.

“You’re thinking too much,” Garnet said, sitting down beside her.

“I’ve got a lot to think about.”

“Undeniably true, but I can hear you turning over ways to make this your fault.”

Pearl sighed, closing her eyes. “Do you remember the five-day battle?” she asked after a moment. The question caught Garnet by surprise.

“Of course I do.” It had been one of their most brutal fights, at least until the corruption. Homeworld had found their camp with the soul intent of shattering every single one of them, and most of them had been forced to try and push Homeworld back while the rest relocated. “I remember your gem cracking and you still trying to fight as well.”

“Mmm,” Pearl hummed, taking a breath. “That was on day three.”

“And you somehow lasted for another day until Rose finally got to us to heal you.”

“We thought at the time it was a miracle.” Pearl sighed. “ I guess it wasn’t, though, was it?”

“Pearl…”

“I keep getting flashes of her memories. I guess they slip through when she tries to break out. It puts a lot of my endurance in context. Why I was able to pick up a sword and learn it so easily…” She raised a hand above her, eyes opening to examine her fingers. “It was all muscle memory. Why I could take blows and cracks that would have shattered most quartzes. I think… she made my gem a little stronger. I saw it cracked and chipped in one of the memories, and she healed it. Why I took to the war so well… I was built to fight. It’s all I was good for. Maybe it’s why I fell apart after the war was over.”

“You fell apart because you were — and still are — deeply traumatized and not equipped to handle it,” Garnet said gently. “Ruby and Sapphire had each other, and Rose… honestly, I’m not entirely sure what Rose did.”

“She cried,” Pearl said quietly. “We sat right here one night, a few months after the war, and she just cried. She couldn’t even speak. We spent a few days at the fountain after that. She wanted to do something constructive with her grief.”

“She found other ways to channel her emotions,” Garnet said. “But you never talked. Rose was afraid to let you out of her line of vision because she didn’t know what you’d do to yourself.”

“I know you saw that memory on the beach.”

“We did.” Garnet nodded. “I also know that wasn’t a one-time event.”

She was right. She didn’t need Pearl to confirm it. “You didn’t fall apart because all you’re good for is fighting,” Garnet continued. “You fell apart because you tried to hide from your emotions, and they overwhelmed you. You’re _still_ trying to hide from them. How many sub-levels are there in your head?”

“Countless,” Pearl murmured.

“Sit up.”

“What?” Pearl looked over at Garnet, confused.

“Sit up,” she repeated. Pearl complied, frowning.

“Why am I sitting up? I was comfortable.”

Garnet crossed her legs under herself, and Pearl took that as a hint to do the same. “Close your eyes.”

“Garnet, what—”

“Just close your eyes.”

Pearl was amazingly patient, but sitting still was one of the hardest things for her. If she wasn’t occupied, she was thinking. She didn’t like to think. She stared hard at Garnet for a moment before finally complying. “Take deep breaths, and try to clear your mind.”

“I’ve tried meditating before, you know. It doesn’t help.”

“You haven’t tried it recently. Things change.”

Pearl couldn’t argue with that. She took a breath in, and out. It was supposed to be relaxing — that was what Rose had said every time Pearl had a flashback or a panic attack. She told her to breathe, because it would help her calm down.

“Since I know you can’t clear your mind, what are you thinking about?”

Garnet knew her too well. “Um…” Pearl’s brow furrowed as she tried to pick through her thoughts and find something coherent. “Rose,” she finally said. “Pink. She swore she didn’t know who my previous owner was, or what I did before. I want to believe her. I thought she told me everything.”

“You were the gem she trusted most,” Garnet agreed. “The other Diamonds didn’t know about it either. Do you think White would have told Pink, but not Yellow and Blue?”

“…Good point,” Pearl admitted begrudgingly. “I don’t think White liked Pink that much. Maybe she was hoping I’d shatter her.”

Garnet chuckled. “What else?”

“I’m angry. About all of this. I’m upset. I’m…” She squeezed her eyes closed tighter, ignoring the tears that were welling up. “I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt anyone, Garnet.”

“I know,” Garnet said quietly. “Are you angry at yourself?”

“A little,” Pearl said. “I keep thinking if I wasn’t so… so weak, so easy to bend and manipulate, maybe I could have stopped all of this.”

“It was beyond your control. What you were, what White Diamond made you, there was nothing you could have done. There was nothing anyone could have done. It’s okay to be angry, but make sure it’s directed at the right gem.”

“White Diamond,” Pearl guessed.

“Mmhm.”

“I’m afraid to be mad at her. I don’t even _know_ her. I think I saw her twice the entire time I served under Pink Diamond. And if I’m mad at her, will that encourage the… _other_ me?”

“I don’t know. But you can’t be afraid to feel things. You know where that gets you.” Pearl huffed. She hated how well Garnet knew her sometimes. “And now you’re annoyed.” Garnet sounded amused.

“I am not.” Garnet made a noise of disbelief. “Okay fine, but only because you’re annoying when you start acting like a know-it-all.”

A small smile twitched at Pearl’s lips despite herself, and Garnet laughed softly. It was all good-natured, and they both knew it. “What else?”

The smile faded as Pearl tried to sort through her mind once more. “I’m… worried. What does all this mean? I’ve always thought I was just re-programmed for Pink, but White… she gave me an entirely new persona. Am I even real?”

Garnet couldn’t answer that. “And what if I’m not? What if nothing about me is real?” Pearl’s arms slid around her torso to hug herself as the tears spilled over. “If this isn’t who I’m supposed to be, then who am I? Everything I’ve done up until now has been for Pink, for Rose… for Steven. Was _any_ of that real? Were any of my feelings real?”

Pearl didn’t hear Garnet move, but suddenly a firm hand was pulling her up and into a hug. Pearl buried her face in Garnet’s shoulder as she broke down, clinging to the other gem.

“What do I do, Garnet?” she whispered finally, voice shaking.

“I don’t know,” Garnet admitted. “But whatever happens, you are _real_ , Pearl. Everything you’ve gone through, everything you’ve experienced, how much you’ve grown since the war, since Rose, all of it is _real_. White Diamond may have created you, but you got yourself to where are today.”

Pearl nodded shakily, adjusting herself to get a hand over Garnet’s shoulder and wipe her eyes, and Garnet rested her hand against the back of Pearl’s head.

And in a flash of light, they fused.

“Oh.” Sardonyx looked down at herself, tilting her head. “Wasn’t expecting that. Hm.” She looked around, unsure of what to do with this moment of solitude. Usually she had a show to put on for _someone_ , but it was just her here, all by her lonesome. Quite boring, if she was being honest.

But she could tell Pearl needed this — needed to feel close to someone, to feel sure of herself. To feel _real_. And there was nothing realer than fusing.

“I suppose just this once I can relax,” Sardonyx said with a put out sigh, snapping her fingers. The pillars disappeared into the water, allowing her to lie back and rest one set of hands behind her head. “It _is_ quite peaceful in here. I can see why Pearl likes it so much. But there better be a good show for me next time. Can’t have myself getting all maudlin and gloomy, that wouldn’t do anyone any good, would it now?”

Silence answered. “And now I’m talking to myself. Do you see what happens when you leave me alone?”

 

* * *

 

“ _So how_ _’re things going_?”

“Ow!” Peridot yelped. “Stupid, primitive little device!”

“ _That good, huh?_ ” Connie answered her own question. Steven sighed, flopping back so his head was hanging off the edge of his bed and he was upside down.

“Peridot’s almost got the thing fixed, but it keeps shocking her every time she tries to use it. She thinks something got fried from the water damage. Garnet and Pearl have been in Pearl’s room since yesterday. I dunno if Pearl is ever coming out. She’s really upset about all of this.”

“ _I don_ _’t really blame her_ ,” Connie said. “ _I mean_ _… everything she’s ever believed about herself is a lie. And she’s believed it for thousands of years_.”

“Yeah.” Steven’s free hand moved automatically to his gem, tracing it slowly. “It’s like finding out about Mom being Pink Diamond but like… I don’t know, she was actually a space pirate who attacked planets.”

“ _Huh_?”

“I don’t know.” Steven shrugged. “I get how Pearl’s feeling, but I don’t. Mom lied about a lot of things, but her beliefs were still real. She loved Earth and she loved the Crystal Gems and she honestly believed all life was worth saving, even if she did lie about who she really was. But Pearl… Pearl’s entire life is built on this huge lie. She used to be a completely different person. And not a great one from the sound of it. I don’t know what that’s like. None of us do.”

The temple doors slid open, and Steven bolted up when he saw Pearl and Garnet walking out. “Hey Connie, I have to go, Pearl’s out of her room. Talk to you later.”

“ _Say hi to Pearl for me_.”

“I will.” He hung up, abandoning his phone on the bed as he ran down the stairs and across the room in a flash.

“Whoa!” Pearl said in surprise as Steven wrapped his arms tight around her. “Steven, I wasn’t gone for that long.”

“You were gone for like, twelve hours,” Steven insisted, not letting go. Pearl smiled weakly, returning the hug.

“How’s it going with the scanner?” Garnet asked. Peridot was frowning as she fiddled with the device for a minute before attempting to scan Lapis’ gem again. The thing sparked, and she yelled in surprise as it burned her hand.

“That’s reassuring,” Pearl mumbled.

“Something keeps backfiring,” Peridot muttered, sitting down and pulling the casing off. “I thought I examined everything thoroughly before I put it back together, but I must have missed something.”

She grabbed a small magnifying glass off the table, leaning over the device to look at it once more. “Maybe you should take a break,” Lapis suggested. “You’ve been working on that thing for like a day and a half now.”

“I’ll take a break when it’s done.”

“Lapis is right,” Pearl said. “Step away from it for a bit and look at it with fresh eyes in an hour or two. There’s no rush. It’s not like things can get any _worse_.”

“I can think of several ways they can get worse,” Peridot disagreed, but she set the scanner and magnifying glass on the coffee table, huffing.

“Where’d Amethyst and Bismuth go?” Garnet asked, looking around.

“The strawberry fields to collect weapons. They said you’d know what that means,” Peridot reported. “Then they said they were going to the forge to see what could be scrapped and what was salvageable. Bismuth offered to build me a weapon.”  
“That sounds horrifying,” Pearl said flatly. “What would she even make you?”

“She suggested little metal knives that I could throw and direct around. That way I could always have something to fight with, and not have to learn how to use an actual weapon. No offense, but I don’t want to learn sword fighting from you.”

“No offense, but I don’t particularly want to teach you,” Pearl replied without malice, going to the kitchen to make some tea. She was tired, her head still lightly throbbing. It hadn’t stopped since the first episode — the pain just fluctuated.

“You should probably know a little hand-to-hand combat,” Garnet said thoughtfully. “It never hurts to know more ways to defend yourself. Ruby could probably teach you.”

“Being a Crystal Gem is way too much work.” Peridot sighed dramatically, flopping back against Lapis’ arm. “Maybe we should just find another barn to live in.”

“I think most of the ones in the area are occupied,” Lapis replied.

“So we release whatever’s living in them, obviously.”

“How many times have you guys _watched_ this show?” Steven asked, peaking around the TV. They were watching Camp Pining Hearts, of course.

“We’ve watched season one approximately seven-hundred and thirty-three times,” Peridot said. “Season two five-hundred and eight times. Season three eight hundred and eighty two times. Season four five-hundred and seventy- two times. And season five twice.”

“I didn’t think season five deserved a second watch.”

“It didn’t, but there was still plenty of context to draw from the filler episodes about—”

“Anyways,” Steven said quickly, not wanting to get into this discussion. “You guys need something new to watch.”

“Why?” Lapis and Peridot asked at the same time. Steven sighed, slapping his forehead. Sometimes he regretted introducing Peridot this show.

“There _is_ other television in the world, you know.”

“Garbage compared to this,” Peridot said with confidence.

“I think Steven’s trying to be nice about the fact that we’re all sick of Camp Pining Hearts,” Pearl informed the other gems as the tea kettle whistled, and she went to pour the water into her waiting mug.

“Also, I miss my TV,” Steven added. “Just let me introduce you guys to _one_ new show, and if you don’t like it, you can go back to this. Deal?”

Lapis and Peridot exchanged doubtful glances. “Deal,” Lapis finally said while Peridot nodded. Steven grinned, grabbing the remote and turning off the tape.

“Okay, let’s see what’s on…”

Something didn’t feel right. Garnet frowned, looking automatically toward Pearl, who had gone stiff, her fingers tight around her steaming mug. The future had suddenly exploded with a dozen different possibilities, but all of them started with one thing.

The mug slipped from Pearl’s hands and she whirled, sword already drawn, jumping over the counter. Garnet summoned her gauntlets and caught her blow, throwing her back. Steven, Peridot, and Lapis all yelled in surprise, jumping out.

“Take the scanner and get outside,” Garnet said through gritted teeth as she tried to push Pearl back. Peridot grabbed the device, and all three of them ran out the door. Pearl immediately reared back, kicking Garnet square in the chest, and ran while the fusion was distracted.

Watery chains wrapped around her ankles and wrists the minute she jumped onto the sand — Lapis was ready, of course.

“Pearl!” Steven yelled, running toward her. Something flashed in Pearl’s eyes, and she looked down at herself before looking at him.

“Steven, stay back,” she ordered, forcing herself to drop the sword. “Lapis, make sure I don’t get free.”

Garnet had made it outside by then, jumping down to the sand with them. Pearl was wide-eyed and horrified and shaking. “I…” Her voice trembled, and she winced. “I don’t know how to stop it.”

“You’re stronger, you can fight it,” Steven said desperately. “Come on Pearl, I know you can do it.”

Pearl closed her eyes, still shaking, as she tried to fight back. _This is my head, this is my body, this is my gem_ _—_

_**No. It isn** _ _**’t** _ **.**

Garnet realized too late what was happening — one one swift moment, Pearl had bent down to break one of the water chains on her ankles, grab her sword and slice through others, and then wrench her last hand free. She ran and jumped over Steven, aiming for Peridot, who was still holding the scanner. A piece of metal whipped in out of nowhere, throwing her off track, and she hit the ground, rolling immediately back to her feet and jumping before Lapis could trap her again, dodging another blow from Garnet in the process. She drew her spear and threw it — it went straight through the scanner in Peridot’s hand right before Garnet hit her from behind, driving her back into the ground.

 

The other Pearl’s mission was accomplished, however. Pearl groaned as she dragged herself up, rubbing her head and staring at the pieces of the scanner. Peridot looked ready cry.


	7. The Damage Is Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems continue to ponder what to do about Pearl and her "other self," who's getting more aggressive.

“Hey Peridot, I’ve got something for you to — uh.” Bismuth cut herself off when she saw Peridot sitting in the middle of the floor, diligently picking through pieces of the wrecked scanner, shaking out sand, and trying to glue them back together, or handing a piece to Lapis if she didn’t need it yet. Pearl was curled up tight on the couch, face buried in her knees, Steven next to her, and Garnet was leaning against the kitchen counter.

“What happened?” Amethyst asked slowly, looking between everyone.

“Assassin Pearl murdered the scanner,” Peridot mumbled.

“Yikes.” Amethyst looked around the room. “Anyone hurt?”

“Just Peridot’s feelings,” Lapis said.

“It was _done_ , I just had to figure out one more thing and I could have…” She threw her hands up exasperation before going back to work, examining each little bit with the utmost scrutiny.

“Well, you fixed it once, you’ll fix it again,” Bismuth said reassuringly.

“But it’s _worse_ this time, it’s in pieces. Before it was just water logged now it’s… _broken_.”

“I’m sorry,” Pearl whispered miserably. Steven rested a hand on her shoulder. Peridot sighed.

“It’s not your fault,” she said. “I’ll get it fixed.”

Pearl’s hands moved to clutch her temples. “Head hurt?” Steven guessed. She nodded slowly. “Do gems usually get headaches?” He’d never heard of it.

“Not generally,” Garnet said. “Gem damage can cause side effects depending on its location — Pearl’s been hurt before in ways that mimic human head trauma. But I think this is different.”

“So there’s nothing we can do?” Steven frowned. He didn’t like seeing Pearl in pain.

“I’m okay, Steven,” Pearl assured him gently. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Of course I’m going to worry. You’re hurt.”

Pearl gave him a small smile, ruffling his hair. “This is all very touching, don’t get me wrong,” Peridot spoke up. “But am I the only one who’s worried about how long it took Pearl to snap out of that?”

“It _was_ a bit of a fight,” Lapis agreed, suddenly interested in the ceiling.

“Guys,” Steven half-grumbled at them, giving him the best glare he could.

“No, they’re right,” Pearl said, curling her hands back in her lap. “What just happened was really bad, and we need to figure out a plan.”

“The plan is to get that scanner fixed so we can find out what’s wrong with your gem, fix it, and make crazy white assassin chick go away,” Amethyst said, while Bismuth nodded along emphatically.

“And if it’s not that simple?” Pearl asked. “If we can’t fix my gem?”

“What if the sun suddenly falls out of the sky and there’s another ice age?” Amethyst replied. “I can come up with just as many what ifs as you, Pearl.”

“Amethyst.” The annoyance was clear in Pearl’s tone. “This is serious—”

“Yeah, no kidding it’s serious,” Amethyst replied.

“Then take it seriously.”

“I _am_!” Amethyst kicked a bit of rock, annoyed. “Jeez, everything sucks enough Pearl, you don’t have to keep bringing things down even more.”

She folded her arms and made her way across the room, storming out the door. “That went well,” Peridot commented without looking up from her work. Pearl sighed, standing up to follow.

Amethyst was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, elbow on her knee, chin in her hand, glaring at the side of the cliff. Pearl sat behind her, crossing her arms over her knees. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I know things have been awful.”

“It’s not your fault,” Amethyst muttered.

“That’s debatable.”

“It’s not,” Amethyst repeated, a bit more aggressively. “It’s Rose’s.”

“What?” Pearl blinked. “This isn't—”

“No, but every other bad thing that’s happened recently is. _She’s_ the one who lied, _she’s_ the one who started the stupid war, she’s the one who messed up everything!”

Pearl looked at Amethyst’s back, hesitating before finally reaching out and resting a hand on the purple gem’s shoulder. “I never asked,” she said quietly. “How _did_ you handle all of that?”

“I handled it fine,” Amethyst said, waving Pearl off. “It’s not like I found out something mind shattering or anything.”

“I know you looked up to Rose—”

“It’s whatever.”

Pearl closed her eyes, shoulders falling. She should have known Amethyst wouldn’t talk to her…

“It was just a lot.” Pearl’s eyes snapped open again. “Like, I don’t know if changes how I feel about Rose, it just makes me think a little harder. It doesn’t matter -it’s not like I can change the past. She was always just Rose to me.” Amethyst fiddled with her hair for a moment before adding, “I always kind of… related to her though, you know, being a quartz and all, and she said she knew what it was like to be different but she didn’t really, did she?”

“She did,” Pearl said quietly. “The four Diamonds were supposed to be White, Yellow, Blue, and Red. Red stayed in the ground too long, though, came out a lighter shade and a lot shorter, and became Pink instead.”

Amethyst’s head lift a little at that, and tilted. “Huh,” she said slowly. “So she overcooked. I guess she understood that better than I thought.”

“She related _very_ well to it,” Pearl assured Amethyst. “It’s why she always encouraged you to act however you wanted, and supported you, and tried to make sure you never felt different. The other Diamonds always looked down on her. She never wanted you to feel that way.”

“Man.” Amethyst leaned back, her head resting on Pearl’s knee. “I really can’t hate her.”

“It’s part of her charm,” Pearl said wryly, twisting her fingers together. “I’m sorry I upset you.”

“It’s not you, P, it’s just…” Amethyst huffed. “It’s _all_ of this! It’s crap that we can’t just catch a break. Haven’t we earned one? Or is another Diamond color going to come crawling out after this to screw with us again?”

“There are no other Diamonds,” Pearl assured her. “It was always just the four, at least as far back as I can remember. Which, admittedly, is further than I was ever aware. As for this current situation…”

Pearl hesitated, looking at her knees. “I… I wanted to talk to you and Garnet about it together, actually.”

“What?” Amethyst twisted up to look at Pearl. “What is it?”

“Well…” Pearl hard. “If it comes down to it… if there’s really know way to fix this, for me to stay in control of myself… I don’t want to live in a bubble. I don’t want to be in stasis forever.”

“What do you…” Amethyst’s eyes widened as Pearl’s words set in. “No.”

“Amethyst—”

“No, that’s not… we’re not… we’ll figure out a way to fix this, Pearl.”

“And how long will it be before you admit it that it can’t be fixed?” Pearl asked. “A century? Two?”

“It’s better than shattering you and realizing years later there _was_ a way to save you!” Amethyst snapped.

“I don’t want to live in a bubble,” Pearl said desperately. “Not for that long. Bismuth told me what it’s like, to be trapped for thousands of years. You just relive your life, your mistakes, over and over and over. I can’t relive everything I’ve done wrong. Having to go through the memories once is bad enough. Seeing them on repeat for the rest of eternity? I can’t go through that. _Please_ , Amethyst.”

Amethyst’s response was cut off by the door opening, and they looked up to see Garnet standing above them. She already knew what Pearl had asked. She had probably seen it.

“Garnet…”

She made her way down the stairs silently, sitting beside Pearl, her hands resting on her lap. “You’re asking a lot,” she said, and Pearl sighed.

“I always ask too much of both of you. I’m selfish.”

“You must be able to see something,” Amethyst said. Garnet shook her head.

“I keep looking, but there are so many outcomes, and some of them are so unlikely I wouldn’t consider them a possibility.”

“Like Ruby being a cowboy,” Pearl mumbled, and Amethyst laughed humorlessly. “I don’t like asking it — trust me, considering my own shattering after I fought so hard in the war isn’t my idea of a good time. But I can’t live in a bubble. And I _can’t_ be responsible for hurting any of you. I can’t ask Bismuth, she’s too sentimental. We all know I can’t ask Steven. And I don’t know if Peridot or Lapis could. I mean, they’re certainly _capable_ of it… but I don’t know if they would if there was even the slimmest possibility there was another way. They’re not murderers.”

“And we are?”

“No.” Pearl sighed. “You’re my friends. No matter how bad it gets… I know you’ll respect my wishes.”

“Your wishes suck,” Amethyst muttered, looking away to hide her tears.

“I know.”

Garnet wrapped an arm around Pearl’s shoulders, pulling her closer. Amethyst stood after a moment, wrapping both gems in a tight hug that they returned. Garnet kept her tears hidden in her visor, while Pearl’s were lost in Amethyst’s hair.

 

* * *

 

“I’m a _genius_!”

The genius in question had been working for roughly eighteen hours non-stop, and had hissed at Lapis when she had suggested a break around eight hours ago. No one had bothered her after that.

“Did you fix it?” Bismuth asked, looking up from the photo album Pearl was showing her. The four Crystal Gems were sitting on the couch, while Steven and Lapis played a video game up in the loft.

“I think I figured out why it was backfiring,” Peridot said excitedly, holding up a small wire. “There’s a teeny tiny bit at the end here that’s burned, probably shorted out from the first time I tried to use it. If I just snip that, I think that will solve the problem. Otherwise it’s almost done. I _did_ have to borrow a few pieces from Steven’s time-telling feline, though.”

Steven looked over his shoulder to see that his alarm clock was indeed missing. “Peridot I really don’t _mind_ if you destroy my stuff, but could you at least ask?”

“You keep telling me it’s rude to wake you up in the middle of the night. Which way do you want it?”

“I…” Steven sighed. “Never mind.”

Peridot grabbed a pair of pliers to snip the burnt end before carefully replacing it in the scanner and snapping the casing closed. “Well?” Amethyst said.

“Come here.”

Amethyst stood, walking over to Peridot, who jumped up and held the scanner out to Amethyst’s gem. A yellow line ran over the gem, and Amethyst shuddered just slightly. “Feels like something’s crawling on me.”

“That could be normal. Or I could have just dosed you with some form of dangerous energy.” Amethyst’s yelp of indigence was ignored as Peridot pressed a few buttons on the scanner — she had put it back together amazingly well considering how thoroughly it had been smashed. A 3D picture of Amethyst’s gem popped up above the scanner. “Hm.” Peridot scanned the readouts on a small screen. “Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM, four-thousand-three-hundred and eighty-two years old, born approximately fifteen-hundred years late. Grown in the Alpha Prime Kindergarten on the former colony of Earth, overseen by Pink Diamond. No current anomalies, although it appears you’ve reformed approximately twice as many times as the average amethyst.”

“It got all that just from one scan?” Amethyst asked, impressed. “Nice. So you can take a look at Pearl’s gem now, right?”

Peridot looked up, grimacing. “If she doesn’t try to destroy it again.”

Pearl had both hands pressed tight to her temples, and was breathing deeply. “It’s fine,” she said. “I’ve got it.”

“You’re holding her back?” Bismuth asked, impressed.

“I’m trying,” Pearl muttered. “Just do what you need to do, Peridot.”

“All right,” Peridot said uncertainly, walking forward. Steven and Lapis abandoned their game, making their way downstairs to watch as Peridot scanned Pearl’s gem. Pearl tried to shrink away, but Garnet pressed a hand to her back, holding her in place. Peridot pressed a few buttons, and another picture popped up, this one of Pearl’s gem. They all immediately saw what was wrong.

“What are those black spots?” Steven asked, frowning. Peridot looked back at the scanner.

“Pearl Facet 1, cut-1A, approximately thirteen-thousand two-hundred and eight years old, born in the Alpha Pearl Farm on Homeworld, originally customized for White Diamond. Reconditioned and re-purposed at five-thousand one-hundred and forty-five years old to be reassigned to Pink Diamond, served for three-thousand two-hundred and ten years before officially being released from service by Pink Diamond. Unknown anomalies embedded within the gem, further analysis needed.”

“Jeez Pearl, I think you might be the oldest gem on the planet,” Amethyst commented. “Besides maybe the Diamonds.”

“There we go,” Peridot said, and the hologram changed, lines forming on it, script writing out in a language only a few of them recognized. “Huh.”

“What does it say?” Steven asked.

“The best the scanner can make of the spots is that it _was_ liquefied gem remains, which burrowed into Pearl’s gem then hardened, damaging the gem from within.”

“The corrupted gem,” Amethyst said. “That must be it. That goop got in when you were cracked and…”

Pearl was staring up at the image, horror and tears in her eyes. “But… there’s a way to fix it, right?” Steven, ever the optimist, asked, looking expectantly at Garnet, who always had the right answer. When she didn’t say anything he looked around the rest of the room. “Right?” His voice was slightly smaller.

“It sounds like the damage is already done,” Peridot said, turning the scanner off. “If we’d caught it when she was first cracked, maybe…”

Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It didn’t matter anymore, did it? None of it mattered. It was too late.

Steven’s phone rang, and he turned automatically to go get it. He’d already decided to ignore it, but it was Connie, and she deserved an update. “Hey,” he said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed and keeping his voice low while the gems spoke.

“What if we tried to clean it out now?” Amethyst asked. “Like, if we could get into her gem somehow…”

“You’re basically talking about performing surgery on a gem,” Lapis pointed out. “None of us are even close to qualified for something like that.”

“If we had access to Homeworld tech _maybe_ ,” Bismuth said. “But even that’s slim, unless they’ve _really_ evolved since we were there last.”

“Generally, if a gem is cracked on Homeworld, protocol is to dispose of it,” Peridot said. “There aren’t healers, which makes salvaging the gem hard. Some higher-caste gems can get something called fill, which is basically synthetic gem inserted into the crack to hold it together. But the gem is never quite the same after. Almost half the cases turn themselves over for voluntary shattering. Ironically, their shards are liquefied and used to create more fill.”

“Peridot,” Garnet admonished her quietly, and it took Peridot a moment to realize why — Pearl had folded in on herself, shaking as she tried desperately not to cry.

“S-Sorry,” she muttered, looking away. Amethyst rested a hand on Pearl’s shoulder, Garnet on her knee. Peridot looked over to meet Lapis’ gaze.

“ _So… there’s nothing they can do_?”

“It doesn’t sound like it.” The teens had paused their conversation to listen to Peridot’s explanation — they wished they hadn’t now.

“ _There has to be_ something _. I mean… it’s Pearl. She can’t_ …”

“I know.” Tears filled Steven’s eyes, and he looked away. They couldn’t lose her.

“Pearl, what’re you—”

“Watch out!”

Steven’s eyes snapped open, and he saw a blur of movement, light glinting off steel. A sword. Oh.

“Uh oh.”

“ _What’s wrong?”_ Connie demanded.

“Uh, nothing, gotta go!” Steven hung up, hurrying down the stairs to block the door and bringing up his shield right before Pearl could run him through. Her expression was utterly blank, eyes almost dead.

“We can’t move in here,” Bismuth said, frustrated. “There’s no room. We need to get her outside.”

 

“Lapis, can you make a perimeter around the beach to stop her from getting away?” Garnet asked as Steven shoved Pearl back.

“I think so,” Lapis said, nodding. Steven was already perfectly placed to be bait.

“Come and get me, Pearl!”

She hurried after him as he ran out the door. He launched himself off the porch and his bubble expanded around him before Pearl could hit him. The strike sent him crashing into the beach; his bubble took most of the impact, but popped, leaving him to roll a bit before he got back on his feet. Water immediately sprang from the ocean, creating a circle around them, and everyone else came rushing out of the house, jumping down to surround Pearl. She wasn’t snapping out of it at all, Steven realized, eyes widening. He spared a glance through Lapis’ watery shield, and saw that the palanquins were gone — Blue and Yellow had left for somewhere.

 

Pearl’s eyes flicked around, assessing the situation, and she immediately zeroed in on Peridot, shooting in her direction. Peridot yelped, reaching a hand to grab a slab of metal and protect herself, but Pearl planted her foot into it and used it to push herself higher into the air. A watery fist burst out above Peridot’s head, slamming Pearl square in the chest and throwing her away. Amethyst’s whip wrapped around her again, and Amethyst pulled tight.

“Come on, Pearl! Snap out of it!”

She gave no reaction to those words. “I’m poofing her,” Garnet said, readying her gauntlets. As soon as she was close, Pearl dropped to one knee and swept Garnet’s legs out from beneath her. Her hand twisted up to grab the whip, and she pulled hard. Amethyst lost her footing, and the whip slipped from her hands. Pearl grabbed her fallen sword and jumped away before either could recover themselves to attack her.

“This is new,” Bismuth muttered. She’d never seen Pearl fight like this, not even during the war. “Someone get her to hold still!”

Watery hands shot out from all directions. Pearl ducked and swung her sword, slicing her way through attacks. Her gem glowed as she pulled out her spear and, without a second thought, spun and threw it straight into the air above her. Lapis dodged, but the attack still had its desired effect — the hands stopped.

A roar echoed through the air, a pink portal appearing above their heads, and Lion came charging out. Connie hopped off his back, sword drawn, and the blades met with a loud _clang_. Pearl swung, shoving Connie away, and she stumbled as she landed, reaching a hand behind her.

“Steven!”

“Right!” Steven ran forward, grabbing her hand, and in a flash of light they disappeared, Stevonnie appearing in their place. Their shield formed on their arm, ready to go.

“Charge her!” Garnet yelled. She, Stevonnie, and Bismuth ran right at Pearl, Peridot found another piece of metal to throw, and Amethyst’s whip shot out to try and tie her up again. Pearl dodged Bismuth and Garnet, blocking Stevonnie’s strike with her sword, and grabbing Amethyst’s whip all in one swift move. She swung her sword to cut the whip and jumped into the air, making another attempt and an escape.

 

Peridot swung the metal slab around, but instead of trying to hit Pearl this time, she leveled it under Pearl’s feet, and Lapis’ hands cut through the air as she directed a stream of water at Pearl; it drove her into the metal slab, and she slammed into the ground with a resounding _crash_.

“Ha!” Peridot yelled, looking up at Lapis, who grinned back lazily and gave her a thumbs up. The others closed around Pearl as the dust cleared, and she pushed herself up shakily, groaning.

“Poof me,” she said through gritted teeth. The words caught them by surprise.

“What—”

“Do it!” Pearl yelled, fingers tangling in her hair. “Poof me, _now_!”

Stevonnie looked up, horrified, eyes moving between Garnet, Bismuth, and Amethyst. It was Garnet who finally stepped forward, bringing both gauntlets down on Pearl’s back. She disappeared in a cloud of sparkling smoke, and Garnet knelt down, bubbling the gem. The water slowly returned to the ocean as Lapis landed beside Peridot, staring at the bubble.

“She just wiped through all of us like it was nothing.”

“Like the Pearls said,” Bismuth replied bitterly, “White Diamond created the perfect killing machine.”

 


	8. The Feeling Of Giving Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven gets a chance to visit Pearl in his dreams. It is NOT a friendly visit.

“No, Mom, really, everything is fine now. It was just a monster, they barely even needed me. Yeah, I’ll be home in time for dinner. Love you too.”

Steven was staring dismally at Pearl’s bubble, hovering over by the fridge, while Connie assured her mom that everything was fine. The others had gathered around the projection of Pearl’s damaged gem.

“If White Diamond re-programmed Pearl,” Garnet was reasoning out, “Maybe she didn’t wipe her clean so much as write over what was already there.”

“And the damage is wiping away the new Pearl, so to speak,” Peridot picked up.

“It’s like… like a computer virus,” Connie said. “Or a parasite.”

“But Pearl — I mean, our Pearl is there,” Amethyst said. “She took back control to give us a chance to poof her.”

“She was struggling, though,” Garnet said. “If I hadn’t poofed her when I did, she probably would have attacked again.”

“Well, she’s in stasis now, at least.” Bismuth cast a look at the bubble. “How do we fix it, is the question.”

“If the damage is internal, there’s no way to fix it,” Garnet said. “We’d have to break her gem to get to it. Not to mention Steven and Rose’s fountain both heal on contact, so the crack would heal again before anything inside was fixed.”

“So we’re giving up?” Amethyst demanded.

“I didn’t say that.”

“You said there’s no way to fix it!”

“Amethyst.” Garnet’s patience was clearly thin. “We are not giving up on Pearl. But we can’t approach this as how do we fix it. It’s how do we stop Pearl from completely losing her current self.”

Steven walked over to the bubble, gently taking it in his hands. “Steven,” Garnet said warningly. He had proven more than once he wasn’t afraid to release gems from their bubbles.

“I’m not going to pop it,” Steven said quickly. “She just… looks lonely over here by herself.”

“She can’t feel anything right now, bud.” Steven assumed Amethyst meant for that to be reassuring.

“I know.” He still brought the bubble back to the couch with him. No one argued with him.

“Pearl’s already been fighting her own programming for five-thousand years,” Bismuth pointed out logically. “I mean, I know Rose was technically her Diamond, but she still went against a lot of the ‘natural’ pearl behaviors, especially during the war. She technically knows how to do this.”

“Now if we can get through to her and tell her that,” Garnet murmured, eying the bubble. Steven looked out the window, and noticed the palanquins landing. He frowned, determined, and jumped off the couch, hurrying outside. He jumped onto the roof, then up to the cliff so he was eye level with them.

“Blue! Yellow!”

They looked around in surprise. “Pi — Steven?” They were still having trouble with that one, Blue especially. Steven wasn’t bothered by it. “What is it?”

“I need your help. _We_ need your help. Something’s wrong with Pearl.”

“With Pearl?” Yellow repeated, raising an eyebrow. “That’s hardly anything to be upset about. She’s defective anyways. You can get a new one.”

“What?” Steven repeated, panicked. “No, that’s not what I want!”

“Yellow,” Blue scolded the other Diamond, touching her arm. “He’s not used to the way things work on Homeworld. And Pink was always fond of that Pearl as well.”

“I _know_ Pearls don’t mean much to Homeworld, but this Pearl means a lot to me,” Steven insisted. “She helped raised me, she’d do anything for me. She’s not just an object or a servant.”

“Steven,” Blue said gently. “I’m sorry something’s wrong with your Pearl, but there are no resources for fixing lower-class gems. She can be re-conditioned—”

“That’s not what I want either!” Steven was starting to get frustrated. “I _like_ Pearl the way she is; I’m trying to keep her that way!”

“It’s just a Pearl.” Yellow clearly didn’t understand — or she was purposely being obtuse about it. “There’s nothing special her.”

Steven scowled. “Pink Diamond believed all life was special,” he informed Yellow Diamond, not missing the flash of pain in her eyes. “She started the entire war to save Earth, and so her and Pearl could be free. She thought _Pearl_ was special, and more than just a servant who was supposed to stand around, and look nice, and hold things for her. But no one ever bothers to learn that about her. Or about any Pearl. Have you ever asked yours about their thoughts, or their feelings? Has it ever even occurred to you? They’re not _just pearls_ , none of them. And if you won’t help me, then I’ll figure it out myself.”

The rest of the Crystal Gems and Connie had gathered at the door, listening to Steven in awe. “That boy’s gonna change the entire hierarchy of Homeworld by the time he’s done,” Bismuth said.

“If anyone could do it, it’s him,” Garnet said with a small, slightly smug smile. Watching Steven tear down the Diamonds might just have been her new favorite thing.

Far down on the beach below, Yellow and Blue Pearls were staring up at Steven in utter shock. No one had ever defended them before, and certainly not to the _Diamonds_ of all gems. Such a thing was simply unthinkable.

Steven jumped down off the cliff, ignoring the stunned looks the Diamonds were giving him, and floated back down to the porch. He was no longer angry when he touched down — if anything, he was miserable.

“I tried,” he said. Garnet rested a hand on his head.

“You can’t change everyone’s minds in one day. Give it time.”

* * *

“Are you sure it’s okay to be carrying her around like that?” Greg asked, rubbing the back of his head. Steven looked up at Pearl’s bubble, hanging just a few inches above his hair line. He’d needed a break from everything after the talk with the Diamonds, and Connie’s mother had continued calling despite her reassurances, so she’d had Lion take her home.

“I double bubbled her. Plus they’re a lot harder to break than they look.” He sighed, flopping back in the lawn chair and watching Greg hose off a car. “I know it’s stupid, but I didn’t want to leave her at the house.”

“It’s not stupid,” Greg assured him. “It’s the kind of thing your mom would do. I won’t pretend I ever understood their relationship, but I know Rose cared a lot about Pearl.”

“Yeah.” Steven had decided being compared to his mother was still a good thing, even if she wasn’t who he thought she was. “Do you think we can fix her?”

“I dunno if I’m the best person to ask,” Greg said. “But you’re stubborn enough that I know you won’t give up until you do. And I’ve seen you do some pretty incredible things.”

Steven lightened up a bit, smiling. “Yeah,” he agreed. “As long as she’s still around, we’ll figure out a way to fix her.”

“That’s the spirit, schtuball.” Greg grinned back, spraying Steven with the hose, and he nearly knocked over the chair as he jerked back, laughing.

“ _Dad_!”

“Whoops, sorry.” He didn’t sound the least bit sorry. “My old eyes can’t tell the difference between a car and my kid.”

“Maybe you need glasses,” Steven teased, shaking the water out of his hair. Greg tilted his head and tapped his chin.

“They’d probably make me look smarter. And definitely more sophisticated. I need to up my game now that I’m competing against royalty for your love.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll always be my favorite dad.” Steven frowned, and added, “But a monocle wouldn’t hurt your case.”

* * *

“What if we like… got a drill, and put a little hole in her, and used a… ya know, a thingy, the thing with the needle, and injected her with healing water?”

Steven only caught the last part of Amethyst’s idea as he walked in, but it still made him wince. “I doubt there’s a drill on Earth stable enough to cut a gem without cracking it completely.” Peridot to the rescue. “Pearls are also notoriously fragile. It’s part of their design, to make them vulnerable and less likely to resist.”

“If that were the case, Pearl would’ve been in pieces years ago,” Bismuth pointed out. “If White Diamond really want to make Pearls soldiers, it makes sense her first try would have been stronger than later generation pearls.”

“I still wouldn’t trust any human tools to not break her.”

“No power tools,” Garnet agreed. Amethyst sighed, flopping back on the floor.

“I’m out of ideas, then. Maybe we should let Pearl out. She’s pretty smart, I bet she could come up with something.”

“Or kill us,” Lapis said flatly. “You do remember that happened, right?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Maybe there’s some way we could contain her?” Steven spoke up. “Like, ya know, on Jasper’s ship, the cells had that energy field the gems couldn’t go through.”

“Hm.” Peridot frowned, looking out the window. “The Diamonds don’t have cells like that on their ships, but I’m sure they have technology to make it possible, if they don’t mind me borrowing a few pieces.”

“It might be worth a shot.” Amethyst sat up again, looking at the bubble near Steven’s shoulder. “Dude, are you just going to carry that thing everywhere with you?”

“Huh?” Steven looked at it. “Oh, well, ya know, Pearl always helps me come up with good ideas. I thought maybe she could still inspire me even if she can’t talk to me.”

“I think for now it’s best she stays in the bubble,” Garnet said, a hint of regret in her voice. “It’s no one’s first choice, but it _is_ what she told us to do.”

“But she didn’t tell us how _long_.”

No one replied to Steven. They all knew the answer to that, including the teen himself. Pearl had meant it to be indefinite (or she would be shattered, if Amethyst and Garnet respected her wishes).

Steven wouldn’t stand for that.

Peridot went outside to work on the ships again, Bismuth tagging along (mostly to keep her company, Steven suspected, since even she said she didn’t know the first thing about Homeworld ships except how to dismantle them). Lapis, predictably, turned on Camp Pining Hearts, Garnet went to the warp pad and disappeared, and Amethyst went up to the loft with Steven, watching as he fell back on the bed and sighed.

“You okay, dude?”

“Yeah.” He watched the bubble drift over his head. “I just… wish we could figure out how to help her.”

“You shouldn’t stress so much about it,” Amethyst said, sitting next to him. “Let us take care of Pearl, all right? You’ve got your own stuff to deal with.”

“But I _want_ to help her,” Steven protested, sitting up. “I know I have my own problems, and I’m dealing with them, but Pearl’s more important than Auntie Blue and Auntie Yellow.”

Amethyst snorted. “The Diamonds are your _aunts_. How weird is that?”

Steven smiled a little despite himself. “Pretty weird,” he admitted. “I have the weirdest family in the whole universe.”

“You seriously do.” Amethyst drew her legs onto the bed and stood, bouncing a few times and shaking Steven. He laughed, falling over. “Next time Connie complains about her mom, you can say your mom’s sisters are actual tyrannical rulers.”

“I think she’d rather fight the Diamonds than her mom.”

Amethyst paused, thinking about that. “Yeah, I’ve met her mom. I don’t blame her. Come on, let’s play a video game. I’m sick of listening to Camp Pining Hearts.”

Lapis turned the TV volume up.

* * *

Everything was white.

Steven pushed himself up from his knees, frowning as he looked around. “Okay,” he said slowly. “I’m pretty sure I’m dreaming. Where am I?”

It reminded him a bit of the room White Diamond had made Pearl fight in, which made him shudder. But it also reminded him of the top level inside Pearl’s gem, with the alphabetizing Pearl. He wondered briefly if there was a connection there.

“Pearl?” He called on a whim. Because who else could it be? The other gems were fine. And he only ever seemed to get dragged into these dreams when there was a problem.

The slightest flutter of wind behind Steven alerted him to movement, and he turned just in time to see the flash of a blade.

“Wha—!”

 _Clang_!

Pearl grunted as her sword connected with that of her white counterpart’s, her arms shaking with the effort of holding the other off. “Leave… him… _alone_!” Pearl shoved back, and the white Pearl hopped away effortlessly, disappearing. Pearl stumbled forward, collapsing to her knees. She looked awful. Her clothes were ripped, her arms and legs scattered with cuts and scrapes, and she was breathing heavily.

“Pearl!” Steven ran forward nonetheless, throwing his arms around her from behind and hugging her tight. “Are you okay? I can heal you—”

“The injuries aren’t real.” Pearl shook her head tiredly. “It’s a mental fight. Physically, I’m fine.”

“They look real to me,” Steven protested.

“It doesn’t matter. You need to get out of here.”

“But—”

She shoved him aside with more force and speed than he would have thought her capable of in her current state, catching the white Pearl before she tried to stab Steven again. “This,” Pearl gritted out, “is between you and me. Leave him _out of it_.”

Again, the white Pearl disappeared. Pearl turned back to Steven. “Where’s my gem?”

“Uh… in a bubble next to my bed.”

“Put it in the temple. Steven!” She cut him off as he started to protest. “Put it in the temple, where there won’t be any risk of it popping. I don’t know how long I can hold her off. Tell… Tell Garnet and Amethyst I want them to do what we talked about. They’ll know what I mean.”

“Let me help,” Steven begged. Pearl softened a bit, leaning forward to kiss his forehead, her hands on his shoulders.

“You can help,” she said quietly, “by making sure I don’t hurt anyone.” Steven met her gaze, tears filling his eyes. “It’s going to be okay, Steven.”

“You’re lying,” he said quietly, and Pearl bowed her head.

“Yes,” she admitted. Steven grabbed her arms.

“Let me help,” he said again. “Let _us_ help. You can fight her, Pearl, we all know you can—”

“No, I can’t.” Her voice was small and defeated. “I’m trying, but I can’t. Just pass on the message to Amethyst and Garnet. Maybe it’s time for me to rest.”

“Pearl…”

She grabbed the front of his shirt very suddenly, tossing him roughly to the side; Steven landed with an _oomf_ , watching in horror as the White Pearl ran Pearl through with her blade.

“ _No_!”

Pearl stared at the blade in her chest, opening and closing her mouth soundlessly, hands shaking. “Pearl!” Steven scrambled up, running forward…

And fell out of bed with a shout, his blankets tangled around him.

“Steven?” Lapis called, already halfway up the stairs. “What’s wrong?”

Steven sat up, wrestling to get the blankets off of him. He was shaking, but it was only when Lapis knelt and wiped a tear from his cheek that he realized he was crying.

“I…” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I saw Pearl.”

“What? How?”

“Remember when you were fused with Jasper, and you kept seeing me even though you were at the bottom of the ocean?” Lapis nodded. “Same thing. It’s like, astral projecting or something. I’m not sure.”

“Oh.” Lapis didn’t seem to know what to say. She sat with Steven on the floor, her back to the bed, and put an arm around his shoulders. “Is… Pearl okay?”

Steven shook his head. “She’s trying to fight the white fighty Pearl, but… I think she’s losing. Or she’s already lost. Right before I woke up, the other Pearl stabbed her.”

Lapis winced. “But… her gem’s right here.” She gestured to the bubble next to Steven’s bed. “It looks fine.”

“Yeah, but I think if her mental self is killed or erased or whatever, the other Pearl will just have full control. Which would mean…”

“We could never release her,” Lapis finished the thought quietly. Steven nodded. “She was still alive when you saw her, though.”

“Yeah, but she didn’t look good.”

“But she was _alive_. As long as she’s still fighting, that’s… good. I think.” Lapis shook her head. “I’m not sure, honestly. Guess I should’ve realized this whole Crystal Gem thing was going to be confusing mess.”

Steven laughed quietly, turning to wrap his arms around Lapis. “It’s not always like this.”

“Really? It seems pretty dramatic any time I see something,” Lapis joked, returning the hug.

“Okay, maybe it’s like this a lot. But I’m still glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad I’m here, too.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, just enjoying one another’s presence. “You know,” Lapis said finally, pulling away to look down at Steven, “it always terrified me whenever you appeared, but… it made me feel a little better, too. Being trapped with Jasper for so long was…” She waved a hand, and Steven took that as a hint not to push for details. “You were the only friendly face I ever saw. And as much as I didn’t want you to get hurt, it gave me a little bit of hope.”

“I’ve heard I’m good at that,” Steven admitted. Lapis smiled wryly.

“I guess that makes me selfish, doesn’t it? Wanting you in danger just to make me feel better?”

Steven shook his head vigorously. “Of course not. I was always happy to see you too, since at least I knew you were still alive and fighting. I would’ve visited every single night if I could have figured out how, but it happens randomly.”

“I think you might’ve scared me to death if you’d come every single night.”

Steven snuggled into Lapis’ side, curling up and closing his eyes. “Would’ve been worth it if it gave you hope.”

 


	9. Trying To Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue and Yellow Pearls attempt to talk to White Pearl (with a heavy guard). As usual, it doesn't go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *yawn* So I could have updated yesterday. Instead I spent half the day sleeping and the other half playing a video game. Um. Oops? Anyways I'll update on Friday this week to make up for it if anyone's really upset.

“So she’s still fighting?” Amethyst asked when Steven told mostly everyone (Peridot was working on the ships) about his dream the next morning. “I mean, that’s something.”

“Doesn’t sound like she’s holding out well,” Bismuth murmured, eying the bubble that was still up near Steven’s bed. He hadn’t told them about her demand to be put in the temple. He wouldn’t. They would find a way to save her. “Do you think healing her gem would fix all this?”

Garnet shook her head. “The damage is already done. It’s like closing the barn door after the horse has already run away. The… _other_ Pearl is already free. Which isn’t to say we shouldn’t find a way to heal her gem. But it’s not going to fix the more pressing problem.”

The front door opened, and they looked over to see Blue Pearl standing there, looking as calm and serene as ever. “My Diamond has requested your presence, your Highness,” she told Steven, bowing to him. Steven’s face burned red.

“Just… Just Steven is fine. And you don’t have to bow.”

“Whatever you wish, Just Steven.”

Bismuth choked down a laugh, and Steven sighed, hopping off the couch. He followed Blue Pearl outside, and saw that Blue Diamond was crouching alone on the sand. Yellow’s palanquin was gone, but her pearl was on the beach, looking highly unhappy about being left behind. “Hi,” Steven said quietly, hopping up to sit on the porch railing. “I’m sorry I yelled yesterday.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Blue assured him. “We… forget that you’ve been taught differently. Your Pearl is obviously very special to you.”

“She’s not _my_ Pearl,” Steven said. “She’s just… _Pearl_. Nobody owns her, it’s kind of her thing.” Blue looked baffled. “Never mind…” Steven sighed. “Do you know much about… ya know, White Pearl?”

Blue Diamond sighed, her eyes downcast. “I know everything,” she said with a hint of regret in her tone. “Or I thought I did. I watched White Diamond break that poor gem down until there was nothing left, then re-mold her with swords in both hands. I watched White Diamond order defective gem after defective gem into that room to beat on her until she learned how to defend herself. Even Yellow thought it was too much, but White was convinced of her genius. She was so sure her Pearl was going to be perfect. And… in a lot of ways, she was. We knew she had started acting out, toward the end, but we never knew the extent of it. She was perfectly still and silent, obeyed orders without hesitation, completed tasks promptly, always stood in perfect position right behind White… she was almost everything anyone would have asked for in a pearl.”

“Besides the whole stabby thing,” Steven guessed. Blue nodded.

“White created a soldier who only knew how to fight, follow orders, and be invisible. It shouldn’t have been a surprise when the occasional execution or Off-Color stopped satisfying her.”

“Why not just get rid of her completely, then?” Steven asked with a frown. “Why brainwash her and give her to Pink?”

“White was fond of her pearl. She still didn’t think she was wrong. She told me she planned on continuing her experiments. As far as she was concerned, this was just a hurdle to be conquered. I assume the plan was to figure out how fix the malfunction then take her Pearl back and reveal the truth. But the war happened, and she disappeared in the aftermath. We haven’t seen or heard from her since.”

And that had been over five thousand years ago. Although with how old the Diamonds were, that probably felt like last week. “I wonder what she wants,” Steven said quietly looking at the sand.

“What’s that?”

“The other Pearl. White Pearl. She must want _something_ if she’s fighting this hard.”

“She’s been imprisoned for thousands of years,” Blue said. “She probably wants to be free.”

“Yeah, but I mean… what then? What’s she going to do once she’s free? She’s stuck on Earth. And I guess she could start killing humans, but…” Steven shook his head. “I don’t know. I wish we could talk to her, but she never says anything. And if we let her out of the bubble she’ll probably kill us.”

“Um…” A hesitant voice spoke up from the beach, and Steven and Blue looked down to see the Pearls exchanging hesitant looks. “Pardon my interruption,” Yellow said quickly, “but I believe _we_ can talk to White without being stabbed.”

“What makes you think that?” Blue Diamond asked, frowning.

“Because Pearls don’t hurt Pearls,” Blue Pearl explained. “It’s one of our… rules, I suppose you would say.”

“I wasn’t aware Pearls had _rules_ amongst themselves.”

“It’s unspoken and mostly kept from the other gems,” Yellow said. “We take care of each other where we can, because no one else will. And we don’t fight each other.”

Steven blinked, a memory resurfacing from the night the Diamonds had attacked.

“ _So are they stuck here now?” Bismuth asked, looking at the ships’ wreckage. They were fanning out across the beach, trying to collect pieces, while the Diamonds processed what they had learned. “Because I want off this planet if they are.”_

“ _Peridot and I can fix the ships when she’s back.” Pearl pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing. “They’ll be the worst house guests ever, but—” She stopped, eyes going wide. “Oh!”_

“ _What?” Steven tried to ask, but Pearl was already running off toward the ship._

“ _Uh, Pearl?” Bismuth called. “Is something wrong?”_

“ _Just something I need to do!” She called back, hopping up onto Blue’s ship first. Bismuth looked down at Steven, who shrugged, and they made their way over, watching as Pearl used her trident as leverage to get an already broken panel off the top of the ship. “I’d rather deal with her first, she’s more tolerable…” Steven heard her mutter before jumping in. She came back a minute later with a very shaken and slightly scraped Blue Pearl._

“ _Seriously?” Bismuth asked in disbelief. “They brought their_ Pearls _with them?”_

“ _It wasn’t supposed to turn into a fight,” Blue said quietly. “We were coming to retrieve the Cluster.”_

“ _So Yellow’s here as well?” Pearl asked. Blue nodded, and Pearl sighed. “And I can’t just let her drown, of course,” she said, hopping over to Yellow’s ship_.

It had seemed odd at the time, watching her do all that for Pearls she didn’t seem to like (at least in Yellow’s case). It made sense with this information, though. Even after five-thousand years, Pearl still obeyed the rules set among her gem type.

“And you think she’ll listen to some made-up rules?” Blue Diamond was saying.

“She helped make them up,” Yellow Pearl pointed out. “Newer Pearls don’t understand why no fighting is a rule, but the ones who knew White are still glad she followed it.”

“Pearl is still following them,” Steven piped up. “That’s why she helped you guys when you were stuck in the crashed ships, right?” The Pearls nodded. “I bet White will listen, too. It’s worth a shot. I’ll go talk to the others.”

He jumped off the railing and ran back inside. “The Pearls think they can talk to Pearl!” He announced. “I mean, the other Pearl. White Pearl. Jeez, I should give them real names. Do you think Blue would mind if I called her Belinda?”

“Wait, what?” Amethyst frowned. “Back up Steve-o. What’s going on?”

“If we let Pearl out of the bubble, and White Pearl takes over, Blue and Yellow Pearl think they can talk to her without her trying to kill them. It’s part of some rules or something—”

“Pearl culture,” Garnet said. “Pearl’s told me about it. Homeworld Pearls take care of each other because they know they’re disposable to everyone else.”

“That’s depressing,” Bismuth said. “But who’s to say White Pearl will actually _follow_ that?”

“Yellow and Blue really seem to think she will.”

Everyone looked at Garnet, whose expression betrayed nothing, of course. “All right,” she said finally. “But we do this carefully. Lapis, I want you up in the sky so we have the element of surprise. Bismuth and I stay nearby ready to poof her, and Amethyst, tie her up the second the bubble breaks, no matter who it is.”

“You got it,” Amethyst said, pulling her whip. Steven grinned, running to get Pearl’s gem. Maybe they could figure out a way to make _both_ Pearls happy.

They put Peridot on the roof to have a little more backup, Lapis took to the air, and Amethyst, Garnet, Bismuth, and Steven formed a loose circle with both Pearls in the middle. If they were nervous, they didn’t let it show.

“Ready?” Garnet asked, forming her gauntlets. Bismuth’s hammers were already out, and Amethyst cracked her whip once. “Okay. Pop the bubble, Steven.”

Steven squished the first bubble, his own pink creation, then stepped closer to the Pearls and knelt down, popping the second bubble. Pearl’s gem fell harmlessly to the sand, and Steven backed up as it started to glow.

Pearl’s physical body was definitely in better shape than the mental form Steven had seen, though she didn’t seem much stronger; the minute her feet touched the ground she stumbled, disoriented, and collapsed to her knees. Amethyst wasted no time binding her arms.

“What…?” Pearl’s expression was confused and exhausted as she looked around. It took a moment for reality to set in. “What are you doing?!” She burst out. “I told you to put me in the temple!”

“Blue and Yellow think they can talk to White,” Steven explained hurriedly. “We’re trying to help you, Pearl.”

“Steven…” Pearl groaned and bowed her head, although some of the anger drained from her expression. She could never be mad at him.

“Just let us try,” Steven insisted. There was a very long moment of silence.

“You really do never shut up, do you?” The voice was still Pearl’s, but it was… different. The exhaustion was gone, replaced with cool indifference, a slightly lower tone to it.

“ _White_ ,” Yellow bit out.

“Yellow,” Pearl replied coldly, looking up at her. “Isn’t there some dirt your Diamond stepped on for you to kiss? Or are you working with the rebels now as well? Honestly, what’s happened to Homeworld? I’m surprised White Diamond didn’t pull me out when the rebellion started. I could have taken care of that easily. Although Blue and Yellow would’ve been so upset when I shattered Pink…” She sighed, looking slightly wistful. “A traitor is a traitor, though. No matter what type of gem it is. White Diamond would have understood.”

“She hid you away because you were dangerous,” Blue Pearl said quietly.

“She tried to erase me because she was afraid of what she created,” White shot back. “If she’d had an actual spine, I could have saved Homeworld a thousand or so years of fighting. But she couldn’t stand the thought of facing the _mistake_ she made. Her pride mattered more than the lives of thousands of gems.”

“Don’t act like you care about Homeworld or any gem,” Yellow snapped. “You’re just mad you weren’t involved in the slaughter.”

“Of course I don’t care about the lives. I care about the efficiency. No one handled that war right, not the Diamonds and _certainly_ not Rose Quartz. All it would’ve taken was one little unhealed crack and I could have ended it all.”

“So is that what you do all day?” Yellow asked. “Sit in your little cage and think about all the things you could have done better?”

“Well I have to entertain myself _somehow_. I couldn’t even talk to this…” She rolled her eyes, making a face at her own body, “ _intruder_. I was buried too deep.”

“Intruder?” Bismuth questioned. Pearl turned to look her, her smile taunting.

“You seem to forget _I’m_ the original. This is _my_ body. Your precious little _Pearl_ is just a fake personality used to cover me.”

“That’s not true!” Steven said. “Pearl’s just as real as you are!”

“She’s a joke,” White snapped. “I couldn’t talk to her, but I have to listen to her insipid, pointless thoughts and feelings every day.” She put on a high-pitched, mocking tone of Pearl’s voice. “Oh, I’ll never be as strong as Garnet or as brave as Amethyst, no one even really _likes_ me, I’m a burden to the team—”

“Stop it!” Amethyst snapped.

“Of course, that’s not half as much fun as listening to her cycles of _guilt_. This is all my fault!” Again with the fake Pearl voice. “I gave Pink the idea to masquerade as Rose, I helped her fake her shattering, I did all of it! Everyone is dead because of me!” White rolled her eyes. “ _Pathetic_.”

Steven felt awful. He didn’t doubt that Pearl felt those things, and he couldn’t imagine what it was like for her to hear White spilling all her secrets and mocking her. “Why come out now?” Blue Pearl asked.

“I finally had my chance. The gem was damaged, and the damage eroded her mental defenses. Oh, there were so many times during the war I came so close to breaking free. But precious _Rose_ was always there to heal the little idiot. _After_ using her as a second shield, of course. But the sludge that corrupted gem attacked with was toxic — it started eating away at the gem the moment it touched. Then of course, good little Steven healed Pearly up all nice and neat, and trapped the sludge inside in the process. It didn’t last long once you bubbled the monster — it was separated from its host and had a very short shelf life. But it did enough damage, and caked itself on in the process. I can take care of the rest.”

Amethyst gritted her teeth, pulling the whip tighter. “Amethyst, please.” White rolled her eyes. “All you’re doing is bruising my skin. You and I both know I could break free of this easily if I wanted. Despite what Pearl thinks of herself, I actually _am_ stronger than you.”

“Amethyst, don’t take the bait,” Garnet warned as Amethyst’s expression darkened. “Your mind games aren’t going to work.”

“Because you’re too level-headed to fall for them? I’ll admit, watching Sapphire lose her temper was fun. Much better than another one of Ruby’s temper tantrums.”

Garnet’s lips twitched. “So is that your plan?” Yellow asked. “Talk everyone to death?”

“No, my _plan_ is to get off this miserable rock. I don’t really care about anyone else, but they all keep getting in my way.”

“So you want to go home?” Blue Pearl asked. White laughed.

“Definitely not. I’m not going back there just to be some spectacle. No, I think it’s time White Diamond and I had a little chat about the past. It’s been far too long, wouldn’t you say?”

“No one has heard from White in over five thousand years.” It was Blue Diamond, surprisingly, who spoke up. White looked up, raising an eyebrow at the giant gem.

“Do you really think I don’t where every single hiding spot she has in the universe is? It might take me another thousand years to track down which hole she’s in, but I’m patient.”

“And what about _our_ Pearl?” Bismuth demanded.

“I already told you, she’s not _real_. She’s a fabricated personality designed to serve a fake diamond. Why do you think she can’t fight back? She has no claim to this body. She doesn’t belong here. _I’m_ the original Pearl. It’s not my fault you all fell in love with an illusion.”

“She’s _real,_ though,” Steven said desperately. “She has thoughts and feeling and fears and hopes and interest just like anyone else. Doesn’t that matter to you?”

“You mistake me for a gem who is capable of empathy. Or you think I’m somehow _her_ , which is worse. What she cares about has no bearing on me. My entire existence was taken from me, and I want it back. Why should I feel bad for the parasite that took it all?”

“Because it’s not her fault!” Steven couldn’t believe she could be so cold. “She didn’t ask for any of this! She’s not the one who trapped you. She’s a victim, too!”

“I really don’t have time for her weaknesses to weigh me down.” White sighed. “I’ve had to listen to her every day for over eight-thousand years. I don’t need her in my head for the rest of my existence. If I can erase her and all of her memories, I’ll be thrilled.”

Tears filled Steven’s eyes. He was glad White couldn’t see him. “Now, is that all? This has been very enlightening — for all of you, anyway — but I’ve waited a long time to be free, and I’m starting to get a little impatient.”

“You can’t take her away from us,” Steven insisted.

“Oh for the love of…” White sighed. “She barely even _liked_ you for the first five years of your life, what loyalty do you owe her?”

“I…” Steven recoiled slightly. “What?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, she tried. But all the pathetic little thing could think about was _Rose, Rose, Rose_. She outright resented you at first, wanted nothing to do with you until the possibility came up that her precious Rose might still be somewhere inside you.”

“Don’t listen to her, Steven,” Garnet said. Steven just stared at the back of Pearl’s head.

“If that’s all, then…”

White shifted and jumped very suddenly, yanking the whip from Amethyst’s hands. It came loose, freeing her arms, and she drew her spear mid-jump, getting ready to throw—

Only to have a large, watery hand grab her and slam her into the ground. Lapis held her up to give Garnet a clean shot, and Pearl was gone again in a poof of smoke and dust. Garnet caught the gem, bubbling it. A very long moment of silence followed.

“That certainly was enlightening,” Blue Diamond murmured after a moment.

“Yeah, enlightening to hear her spitting out Pearl’s secrets,” Amethyst said, thoroughly annoyed. “I swear, next time I’ll—”

“Not to interrupt your impending threat,” Blue cut in. “But we learned more than a few dark secrets from all this.”

“We did?” Steven wiped his eyes, looking up.

“White Diamond trained her to be perfect and emotionless, but it would seem she got that last bit wrong. Her Pearl’s angry. She resents being trapped for so long.”

“Anyone would,” Lapis pointed out as she landed. “What’s the point?”

“It means she has emotions which can exploited.”

There was a pause as everyone took in what that meant. “If we could get a message to Pearl somehow…” Bismuth started slowly.

“Pearl might be able to use that,” Garnet finished. “She knows how to use emotions in a fight. It’s part of what made her so effective during the war.”

“But the only person who can talk to Pearl is Steven,” Peridot spoke up, joining the group. “Unless we want to let her out again and hope we get the message to her really fast.”

“No,” Yellow Pearl said. “White’s aware of everything that happens. She’d know the plan the minute you told Pearl.”

“Sending Steven back into Pearl’s mind doesn’t seem like a great idea,” Amethyst said. “At least, not from what he’s told us.”

“I’ll do it,” Steven said quietly. “I want to.”

Garnet walked over, kneeling in front of Steven and resting her hands on his shoulders. “Pearl loves you more than anything,” she said. “There was a time, right after you were born, where she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to face you, but it wasn’t out of hatred. She was scared. She never resented you.”

“I know.” Steven dragged his hands across his eyes. “I know, I just…” It just fed the fear he always had in the back of his mind — that the gems blamed him for his mother’s death. And it wasn’t like they were wrong.

“She loves you,” Garnet said firmly. “We all do.”

“Yeah man, don’t stress,” Amethyst said. “White was just trying to mess with you.”

“I know,” Steven said again with a little more strength his voice. “I know she loves me. It’s okay.”

 


	10. Will To Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven finds out what Pearl asked Garnet and Amethyst to do. He's not pleased.

Steven was trying to watch TV, to get his mind off things, but he couldn’t pay attention to what was on. All he could think about was Pearl, back in a bubble, floating near his bed.

“ _Tell Garnet and Amethyst I want them to do what we talked about. They’ll know what I mean._ ”

What _did_ she mean? It had to be more than just bubbling her, since she’d already told him to make sure she didn’t escape. But what else was there?

The temple door slid open, and Steven sat up to see Garnet walking out. Amethyst was hiding in her own room, and Lapis, Peridot, and Bismuth were outside. It was quiet in the house, for once.

“Hey Garnet?” Garnet looked up at Steven. “Do you have a minute?”

“For you, I have several.” She smiled as she made her way up the stairs and sat down on the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“I… didn’t tell you guys everything about what Pearl told me in my dream,” he admitted, looking at his hands. “I didn’t want to say it, because it felt like she was giving up.” Garnet nodded, encouraging him along. “She… She said to put her in the temple, to make sure the bubble doesn’t pop. And she said to tell you and Amethyst to do what you all talked about.” There was a slight twitch of Garnet’s lips at that. “What did she mean? Please be honest with me.”

Garnet sighed, tapping her visor. It disappeared, and Steven was stunned to see tears in her eyes. “If Pearl can’t control her other self, she wants us to shatter her.”

“ _What_?!” Steven yelled. “She can’t — you — why would she ask for something like that?!”

“She’s scared,” Garnet said, looking at the bubble. “She’d rather die than hurt one of us, and she doesn’t want to spend eternity in a bubble.”

“It’s barely been a week! How can she give up already?!”

Garnet sighed, looking at the floor. “Pearl is…” Oh, how to explain this? “Fragile,” was the best term she finally came up with. “Do you remember, when you first moved in, how sometimes we told you it was quiet time because Pearl was upset, or she disappeared into her room for several days and we told you she was just tired?” Steven nodded slowly. “The term humans use for it is panic attack. The first time she had one was when we encountered the first corrupted Crystal Gem. Crazy Lace, I think it was. She froze up and nearly got herself poofed, but Rose shielded her until the fight was over. After, she was shaking and crying and clinging to Rose like the world would end if she let go. Rose didn’t let her fight for a long time after that. Her first time back out in the field officially was when we found Amethyst at the kindergarten.”

Steven felt tears pricking at his eyes, and he quickly wiped them away. He knew Pearl had never really recovered from the war. But hearing what it had been like right after was frightening. “As humans started researching mental health more, Rose started figuring out what was wrong with Pearl. She called it PTSD, but don’t let Pearl hear you say that. She didn’t like Rose trying to apply human terms to her. It felt like Rose was implying she was weak.”

“It’s not weak,” Steven said quietly.

“Your mother never thought so either. But you know what Pearl’s like.” Garnet brought her visor back. “I think Pearl’s very tired. She never properly dealt with the war, and of course there are all these secrets she’s been carrying with her for so long… I suppose finding out about White Diamond is too much for her.”

“But we can help. She can’t just give up, not before she gives us a chance.”

Garnet smiled faintly. “I said once that Rose had many secrets, even from us. Do you remember?” Steven nodded. “Pearl’s the same way. She was forced to hide Rose’s secrets, which meant locking up a significant part of her own past in the process. She tries to bury everything she feels about the war, which of course means it comes up again when she least wants it. I think she’s tired, and she sees this has a good way to give up.”

Steven bit his lip, swallowing hard. “You’re not… going to do what she wants, are you?”

“We’re going to make sure we’ve exhausted every other option first. If there is _truly_ no way to save her, then…”

Garnet’s voice drifted off, and Steven nodded. He understood. Even if he didn’t like it.

* * *

 

Steven’s eyes snapped open. He was back in the white room! He lit up, looking around. “Pearl? Pearl!”

He thought for a moment then spread out his arms, and was pleased when his bubble formed. Now White couldn’t sneak attack him—

“Clever.”

He yelped and whirled around. White was behind him. “Bismuth’s right, someone should put a bell on you. Where’s Pearl?”

“Off somewhere licking her wounds.” White waved the question off. “She doesn’t really matter right now. She’s not here. You are.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means if you’re going to keep intruding, I’m at least going to make use of it.” She drew her sword, driving the tip into the bubble. It cracked, but didn’t break.

“I’m stronger than I look,” Steven said proudly as the crack healed itself.

“I don’t doubt that. But how long do you think can last?” Another strike, and then a third immediately after. Steven cringed. “I can do this all night. Can you?”

Steven quickly rolled the bubble back, trying to get away. “If you behave,” White said, sounding surprisingly patient, “there’s no need for you to get hurt.”

“That sword you keep swinging at me says otherwise!”

White laughed. It was a cruel sound. “All you have to do is come with me. That brat won’t give up to save her own life, but she’ll give up for yours.” Steven’s stomach dropped. Of course she wanted to use him against Pearl. “ _Stars_ , the number of times I watched her throw herself in front of Rose Quartz.” This time when she hit the bubble, the crack didn’t fix itself. “ _Pathetic_. And Rose was the one with the shield! But there Pearl was, time and time again, throwing herself into the fire like she thought it would make her dear _Rose_ love her.”

“Mom _did_ love Pearl.” Steven wasn’t sure why he felt the need to defend that. “I saw it.”

A horizontal slice hit the bubble hard, sending Steven crashing into the nearest wall. The bubble broke, and he saw a crack in the wall when he straightened up. “Rose Quartz wasn’t capable of loving anyone else,” White said as she approached, sword out and pointed right at him. “But little Pearl was too blind to see that. It made her weak. It _still_ makes her weak.”

She stopped walking very suddenly. Steven couldn’t drag his eyes away from her sword to find out why. “How many times do I have to tell you,” Pearl said, and Steven snapped up to see her with the tip of her own blade pressed into White’s back. “Leave. Him. Out of this.”

“He’s the one who keeps falling into it.” White whirled, her sword connecting with Pearl’s, and Steven immediately summoned his shield. “I’m sure you could easily protect him if you just gave up.”

Pearl’s expression was hard, her lips pressed in a thin line, and Steven saw the exhaustion in her eyes. How long had they been fighting? How many hits had she taken? How was she still standing? She had been trying to recover — White had said she was “licking her wounds.” Had she come out of hiding to protect Steven?

Steven lunged forward, using his shield to knock White’s legs out from under her and hurriedly scrambling away before she fell on top of him. A hand grabbed the back of his shirt, and suddenly he was being dragged along by Pearl as they ran, his feet barely touching the ground. “You need to wake up,” Pearl said, panic clear in her voice. “Please Steven, wake up and stop coming here.”

“I can’t really help it!” Steven protested. “It happens on its own! Besides, if I can help you—”

“You _can’t_ help me.” Pearl skidded to a halt, kneeling down in front of Steven. “Listen to me. You can’t help. There’s no fixing this. Tell Garnet and Amethyst—”

“Garnet told me what you talked about.” Tears filled Steven’s eyes. Pearl looked devastated. “You can’t give up, Pearl.”

“She shouldn’t have told you—”

“You want them to _shatter_ you! How could you hide that from everyone else?”

“I’m trying to protect you!” Pearl protested. “If she escapes, I don’t know what she’ll do. I don’t care if she says she won’t hurt you. I don’t trust her. The only way to make sure everyone else is safe is to shatter me. It’s my life against everyone else’s. It’s an easy decision.”

“No it’s _not_!” Steven yelled. “You _always_ do this, you act like your life doesn’t matter, like everyone else is more important, like you’re not amazing on your own! What’s it going to take to make you see how great you are?!” Pearl reeled back, stunned. “And Mom thought you were great, too! You said you could never make her happy, but you’re wrong! She was happy when you were yourself, and when you acted like you were her equal! You do all of these incredible things, but you’re so busy building everyone else up, and protecting everyone else that you forget about _yourself_! Mom didn’t want you to fight for her. I don’t want you to fight for me. I want you to fight for _you_!”

Pearl stared at Steven for a long moment, struggling to find her voice.

“ _Everything I do, I do it for her! I do it for him!”  
_ “ _ **Don’t forget about yourself, Pearl!**_ ”

She squeezed Steven’s shoulders tight. “I…”

There was no time to answer, though. She grabbed Steven, yanking him against her chest as she swung her sword out to counter White’s attack. “Steven,” she said through gritted teeth. “I need you to go.”

“What?” Steven looked up. “I can’t, I need to help—”

“I can’t concentrate on fighting her when you’re here.” She scooped him up in one arm and jumped back.”I’m not giving up, okay? I won’t. I promise. But I need you to go so I can focus.”

Steven’s expression brightened a bit before he frowned. “Wait, there’s something else you need to know.” Pearl fended off another attack, backing up. “Blue Diamond said White is supposed to be emotionless, but she’s angry about White Diamond. Garnet said you might be able to use that against her.”

A small, small smirk pulled at Pearl’s lips. “I’ll figure out a way. Now, go.”

Steven bit his lip. “I don’t know how to wake up.”

Pearl’s eyes flicked down, then back up to White, who had closed in again and was trying to break through Pearl’s defenses. She swung to the right, darting around White and trying to get some distance between them. “Sorry,” she said regretfully. Then she hit Steven in the head with the butt of her sword.

“Ah!” Steven jolted up immediately, looking around and rubbing his head. He could feel a dull pain, like the ghost of the headache, but it wasn’t that bad. He looked over at the bubble, at the gem inside, and he blew out a long breath.

“You can do it Pearl. I believe in you.”

* * *

 

A week passed. Steven didn’t go back to the white room. He did his best to think about anything besides Pearl, hoping that would keep him away from her. How was he supposed to know if she’d won, though? What if she’d already defeated White and was waiting for them to let her out?

He tried to shake off those thoughts. He’d go back in another week. That would be more than enough time. Right?

It was a nice day, and he was sitting out on the beach, reading a book Connie had given him, trying to keep his mind off things. Yellow and Blue Diamonds were nearby, talking in low voices, but Steven’s attention kept going to the Pearls standing at their feet.

Finally he sighed, closing the book and standing. “Hey, Yellow? Blue?” He called, and they looked down. “Could I uh… talk to your Pearls? Like, alone?”

It was probably the oddest request anyone had ever had, given the way the Diamonds looked at him. “I… suppose there’s no harm,” Blue finally said.

“As long as they don’t betray us when they get back,” Yellow added. Steven laughed weakly.

“I’ll do my best not to turn them against you.”

They started down the beach together, Steven highly aware that both Pearls were confused. “So have you guys been with the Diamonds your entire lives?” He asked cheerily.

“We were custom-made for them, yes,” Yellow replied, while Blue simply nodded. “We’re meant to fulfill their needs.”

“Right, yeah, I’ve gathered,” Steven said. “What do you guys like to do, though? Ya know, like when the Diamonds are in a meeting or something?”

“We wait for them to be done.”

“You don’t like… goof off in the hall or anything?” He was intrigued when both Pearls blushed deeply and suddenly refused to look at him, or each other. “I knew it!” He said happily. “So do you like, play games or…?”

“We, um…” Yellow coughed, staring hard at the water.

“We sometimes enjoy… engaging in physical activity,” Blue murmured, her head bowed. It took Steven a minute to figure out what that meant.

“So you… oh. _Oh_.” His eyes widened. “ _Oh_!”

“N-Not like, fusion or anything!” Yellow said quickly. “We just—”

“That’s okay I don’t need details!” Steven half-yelled, covering his ears.

“Please don’t tell our Diamonds,” Blue said. Steven chuckled.

“Trust me, I will definitely not be telling them anything about this conversation.” Or anyone else. Ever. “Would they… be mad if they knew?”

“Our main focus should always be our Diamonds,” Yellow said, crossing her arms behind her back. “If we’re distracted thinking something else… or someone else… we’re not fulfilling our duties to them.”

“Or mourning,” Blue said quietly. Yellow kicked her in the shin. Steven frowned.

“Mourn — oh.” The pieces clicked. “Pearl.” They nodded. “You guys were… with her as well?”

“Not when she served under White. She was intolerable.” Yellow rolled her eyes. “But after she was… transferred to Pink, yes. For a time. Until she joined the rebellion.”

“We were supposed to join her on Earth, eventually,” Blue added. “She wanted us to come with her. But we… we were faithful to our Diamonds, above all else. And then the corruption happened…”

“It was supposed to be a shattering. We thought they were all dead. We thought _she_ was…” Yellow’s voice drifted off, and she looked away.

“You thought she was dead,” Steven said quietly. “For five-thousand years.”

“We saw her at the Zoo,” Yellow said. “Or we thought we did. We saw a Pearl who looked like her, traveling with a Sapphire and a Ruby guard.”

“Oh, uh…” Steven rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, that was her. We broke into the Zoo to rescue my dad after Blue Diamond alien abducted him.”

The Pearls stared — or at least Steven _thought_ Blue was staring. “You broke into the Zoo under _two_ Diamonds’ noses and escaped?”

“Yeah. We’re pretty good at that kind of stuff.”

“Impressive,” Blue said with a nod.

“So she was there,” Yellow said quietly, looking at Blue. “We weren’t losing our minds. We actually saw her.”

“We did.” Blue smiled. “I knew we weren’t crazy.”

“I was starting to question it.” Yellow pinched the bridge of her nose. “Of course, now White has to go and pull this drama. We haven’t gotten a chance to talk to her at all.”

“When you guys talk you always seem to argue,” Steven pointed out.

“She and I don’t always get along,” Yellow admitted. “It’s partially for the sake of keeping up appearances — Yellow and Pink Diamonds didn’t always get along, so their Pearls shouldn’t be any different. Sometimes we were actually fighting, and the snipping at each other is… real more often than not.”

“Their personalities don’t mesh well,” Blue said with a giggle. “Especially once Pink started rebelling. She used to be really quiet and more like me, but then she joined the rebellion and traces of White started coming to the surface — not White herself, but bits of her personality. Her cockiness, her smugness, things like that.”

“Come to think of it, that _is_ when we started arguing more,” Yellow said thoughtfully. “I hadn’t realized.”

“Of course you didn’t, you never paid attention,” Blue said with a small giggle. Yellow kicked some sand at her, smirking, and Steven was pretty sure he was watching two Pearls flirt.

“So you guys… _do_ have things you want,” he said slowly.

“I suppose we do, yes,” Yellow said. “It doesn’t matter, though.”

“Why not?”

“Because we belong to our Diamonds. They always come first. We thought Pink had forgotten that…” Yellow shook her head. “I guess she understood it better than either of us gave her credit for.”

“She was… very loyal to my mom,” Steven said. “Too loyal sometimes, from what Garnet and Bismuth have said.”

“That I can’t disagree with. Fighting in a war? _Fusing_?” Yellow sounded almost personally insulted by these things. “I could never. _We_ could…” Her voice drifted off, and she looked at Blue. “Could we?”

“I don’t know,” Blue said quietly. “The time to find out has passed.”

“I suppose it has.,” Yellow said, looking back out toward the water. Steven felt bad for them. He _had_ promised not to turn them against their Diamonds by the end of this walk, but he hated seeing those expressions.

There had to be something he could do.

 


	11. Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight gets worse, and Pearl suffers for it

“How long are we supposed to wait before we do something?” Peridot asked, eying Pearl’s gem. It was still bubbled, and to anyone else it would have looked completely normal.

But Steven knew what was going on. He had tried, after two weeks, to go back to the white room, hoping to catch just a glimpse of Pearl. The walls had been cracked like glass, and the whole thing looked like it was going to fall apart any second.

Then something had hit Steven in the head, and he’d woken up. Pearl wasn’t wasting time with words now that she knew how to get him out. He wished he could have seen her, at least.

“As long as it takes,” he said. “She’s fighting really hard.”

“What if she loses?” Connie asked quietly.

“Then…” Steven frowned, looking to Garnet and Amethyst, who were leaning against and sitting  on the counter. Lapis, Peridot, and Bismuth were on the couch, Connie and Steven by the window. If they added anyone else to the group, there wouldn’t be anywhere to sit.

Garnet and Amethyst exchanged looks, and the fusion adjusted her visor before speaking. “Pearl requested, if there’s no way to save her, that Amethyst and I shatter her.”

“ _What_?” Bismuth burst out. Peridot and Lapis just looked shocked. “And you _agreed_? Garnet—”

“It’s what she wants.”

“She also wanted to die protecting Rose, but we didn’t let her have that!”

“Yo, we don’t love it either,” Amethyst said bitterly. “But Garnet’s right. It’s what Pearl wants.”

Bismuth clenched her fists in her lap, growling. “ _Why_?” Lapis finally asked. “I mean… why would she want to be…?”

“Pearl’s not like the rest of us,” Garnet said. “We’ve all had our struggles against Homeworld and the natural roles we were born into, but Pearl wasn’t just born into her role — she was specifically melded for it, first to be White Diamond’s assassin, then to be Pink Diamond’s servant. Before the rebellion, she’d never had control over anything. Rose was very careful not to order her around unless we were on the battlefield. She wanted Pearl to have her agency.”

“Oh yeah,” Bismuth said, blinking. “I forgot about that.”

“She’s worked hard to take control of her own life, and she’s been set back every time something or someone reminded her that she’s _just_ a Pearl.”

Peridot winced, her expression guilty. “Don’t worry Peri, she felt _great_ after she punched you,” Amethyst said. “I mean, you messed her up pretty bad and somehow gave her a concussion when you were throwing her around, but she still felt great after she punched you.”

“Thanks,” Peridot muttered.

“We all know how Pearls work,” Lapis said, a bit impatiently. “What does that have to do with shattering her?”

“Having control taken away is Pearl’s biggest fear,” Garnet explained. “I know it gets annoying sometimes when she gets overbearing, but that’s usually when she’s most afraid that she’s lost control of something. This… This is a complete invasion of her mind. It’s worse than the Diamonds controlling her. It’s literally having control ripped from her grasps. I’m sure it’s torture.”

All eyes turned to the bubble once again. “I never thought about that,” Lapis admitted quietly.

“No one ever thinks about it,” Garnet said. “Because she doesn’t want you to. There are rare times she lets her guard slip, but she always comes back stronger than ever. But this… I’m not sure there’s any way to recover from this. If White Pearl doesn’t erase her first.”

Steven curled up, resting his chin on his knees. Connie rested a hand on his shoulder. She loved Pearl. She admired Pearl. Losing her would be so hard. But it would _crush_ Steven. He had admitted once that he thought of Pearl as his mother more than he did Rose Quartz. The gems were his family. He couldn’t lose any of them.

“You’d really shatter her?” Peridot asked.

“If there was absolutely no other option, yes,” Garnet said. “We would respect Pearl’s wishes.”

“Even if they do suck,” Amethyst muttered.

“This isn’t a decision Pearl would come to lightly. She fought hard to stay alive through the war.” Garnet paused. “More or less. She’s fought to stay alive since the war ended. She’s fought to be free. Giving it all up isn’t a snap decision.”

“No, but it’s exactly the kind of thing Pearl would do,” Bismuth said bitterly. “You forget that when she wasn’t fighting to stay alive, she was throwing herself in front of Rose, fighting with a cracked gem, refusing to be healed until everyone else was taken care of, and that was _if_ her physical form wasn’t destroyed, which also happened a _lot_. Of course she’s going to say shatter her if she thinks she’s a danger to us. She’d give up in a heartbeat to keep everyone else safe.”

“She promised me she wouldn’t give up,” Steven said quietly. “She doesn’t break promises. Not to me.”

Bismuth didn’t have an answer to that. “Look, we’re not going to shatter her tomorrow or anything,” Amethyst said, straightening up on the counter. “ _If_ it has to happen, then it’s going to be when that… _other_ Pearl has completely erased our girl and there’s no chance of getting her back. Otherwise she stays in that bubble until we figure out a way to save her.”

The words seemed to breathe a bit more life into the tired group. They all straightened up unconsciously, and Connie squeezed Steven’s shoulder, giving him a smile when he looked back at her.

They _would_ figure this out.

* * *

 

With everything going on, it felt a little selfish to indulge in some Dad time. But Garnet had encouraged him to go, promising that Pearl would be safe while he was gone, and that he needed to spend time with Greg.

Of course, Greg would never say no to time with his favorite son. They were currently in the back of the van, watching one of those cheesy horror movies that were so bad they were funny, and taking turns trying to catch popcorn in their mouths.

“Are you all right, schtuball?” Greg finally asked. He hadn’t wanted to push, hoping Steven would talk on his own. But it was obvious his mind was elsewhere, and Greg wanted to get to the bottom of that. Steven frowned, the movie temporarily forgotten.

“Yeah. Just thinking about Pearl.”

Greg sighed. “I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I know ‘it’s all going to work out’ doesn’t really help.”

“No,” Steven admitted. “But talking about it kind of does. I mean, I talk to the gems too, obviously, but it’s… different with them. Especially Garnet and Amethyst.”

“They’re her best friends,” Greg said. “I’m sure it’s hitting them a lot more than they’re letting on. They’ve always been close.” He chuckled suddenly. “Amethyst used to be way smaller than she is now, and Pearl would carry her around when she had to stop her from running off and doing something.” Steven tried to imagine them doing that now. The image made no sense in his head. “Watching them was a bit like watching a sitcom sometimes. Three wacky, completely different roommates who shouldn’t get along but are somehow the closest friends you’ll ever see.”

Steven laughed. “I can see that. Did you spend a lot of time with all of them?”

“Weeeell.” Greg rubbed the back of his head, drawing the word out. “Ya know, Pearl didn’t exactly… _like_ me very much. She certainly never welcomed my presence, unless Rose wasn’t around and she could taunt me. Don’t judge her too harshly on that, I wasn’t much better. I was young, she’d never felt like her relationship with Rose was threatened. We both said things we regret. But yeah, I was kind of homeless, so I hung out at the temple a lot. Amethyst loved me, Garnet… honestly, I’m not sure what Garnet thought of me, but she didn’t try to throw me out so I guess that was an improvement. Mostly I kind of sat back and watched them come and go.”

“You made a music video together once,” Steven pointed out. Greg laughed.

“The look on their faces when I suggested that…” He shook his head. “Amethyst loved banging on the drums, though. I tried to get Rose to sweet talk Pearl into it, but she insisted her taste in music would clash with mine. I had to teach Amethyst and Garnet their instruments though and _jeez_ … I think Rose and Pearl got a good laugh out of watching me try to get Amethyst to sit still. Garnet wasn’t too hard — Rose mentioned future vision or something. Gem stuff, you know. I had to bribe Amethyst with food to finally get her to sit down.”

Steven laughed, leaning back on Greg’s pillow. No one ever talked about the time between Greg meeting the gems and Steven being born. Greg had told him a couple stories, but he knew there was more. And the gems didn’t like to talk about Rose Quartz.

“You took it all really well,” Steven said. “I mean… magical aliens and fusing and all that.”

“Oh trust me, there were several existential crises,” Greg said. “But at the end of the day, they were pretty normal, all things considered. They were weird and had no idea how to talk to human beings, but they wanted friends. Well, Pearl wanted to stab me with a sword,” he corrected himself, frowning slightly. “I went over once and she was just sitting on the warp pad, polishing the blade like it was no big deal. When she saw me she informed me that she had killed hundreds of gems with it, like she was talking about the weather.” Steven stared at his father, wide-eyed. “I told her Rose would be mad at her if she killed me — you know, because was totally into me. I’m probably lucky to be alive.”

“Jeez.” Steven sighed. “I knew things were complicated between you guys but I didn’t think it was _that_ bad.”

“I think before me, Pearl had never really run into a problem she couldn’t solve with her sword or spear. Gem monsters she could handle all day. Someone else getting Rose’s attention? Not so much.” Greg shrugged. “Like I said, there are a lot of things we both regret. We talked it out on the way back from Empire City. I mean, we talked some of it out. I don’t think we could solve twenty-some odd years of resentment in one car ride.”

“We’ll have to go back someday,” Steven said, grinning. “So you guys can finish sorting it all out.”

Greg tousled Steven’s hair, grinning. “Yeah. I think we’ve all earned a vacation after everything that’s happened. Maybe we’ll go somewhere new this time, though. Let’s see, we’ve done Keystone, Empire City, and a cabin in the woods. We live on a beach, so no point in traveling to another one… where should we go next?”

“Hmmm.” Steven tapped his chin, tilting his head and thinking. “We could go skiing. Or _camping_. With tents and campfires and we’re out in the woods and we won’t have to worry about bears because the gems will scare them off!”

“Maybe let’s not antagonize the wild life,” Greg said with a chuckle. He was glad to see Steven feeling a bit better, even if this _was_ just a distraction from the problem. From the fact that Pearl might not be around to join them on any more vacations. “I don’t even think I could fit all the gems in the car anymore. Bismuth’s as big as the entire back!”

“Well, Peridot could fit with Bismuth, she’s small. And Amethyst, maybe. Lapis could fly. Garnet could sit on the roof. And Pearl in the passenger’s seat.”

“You forgot yourself, little man.”

“…Oops.” Steven laughed. “You might need to buy a bigger van.”

“And give up on old reliable here? Never.” Greg patted the side of the van fondly.

“Maybe we could attach another car to it. It would be like a train!”

“Hmmmm.” Greg tilted his head. “We could always rent an RV for the weekend or something. A big one. Like one of those house ones that you could live in. And we could just go wherever we wanted.”

“Yeah!” Steven cheered. “Road trip! When Pearl’s back we can…”

His voice drifted off, smile fading. “I guess it’s more of an if, now,” he said. Greg pulled Steven into a tight hug.

“Pearl’s stubborn, bud. She’ll find a way through this.”

Steven hoped he was right.

* * *

 

“Do you think we should put her bubble in the temple?” Amethyst said as Steven walked in. His eyes were automatically drawn to the bubble up by his nightstand. “I hate to ask, but…”

“It might be something to consider,” Garnet said. “Hello Steven.”

“Hey.” Steven walked up the stairs, flopping down in bed.

“You okay, bud?” Amethyst asked. She was in the kitchen, munching on a bag of chips. Bismuth must have gone back to the forge, and Steven had seen Pearl and Lapis out by the ships on his way back.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” He closed his eyes, sighing. “I hate all this waiting. But Pearl’s figured out how to kick me out of her head, so I can’t even go back and try to help.”

“That’s not your responsibility,” Garnet said firmly. Steven huffed in frustration, sitting up.

“Well, I want to help anyways! Everyone keeps saying to just let Pearl deal with it on her own and I should focus on my own problems, like Pearl doesn’t even matter! Am I the only one who cares?”

“Don’t go there, Steven,” Amethyst said; there was just a small undertone of threat in her voice. “You know we care.”

“Then why am I the only one who’s trying to do anything?”

Amethyst and Garnet exchanged long looks. “Because there’s nothing _we_ can do,” Garnet finally said. “You can go into her mind when you sleep, but you can’t take any of us with you. We can’t help Pearl fight. All we can do is stand out here and wait.”

Steven thought back to what his father had said a few hours earlier. _I think before me, Pearl had never really run into a problem she couldn’t solve with her sword or spear._

She wasn’t the only one, was she? The gems weren’t used to encountering problems they couldn’t fight. And when they did, they ran away, or they ignored them. They couldn’t do either of those things with Pearl’s life on the line, but there was also no enemy for them to attack.

“I wish we could talk to her,” Amethyst said after a minute. “I mean, out loud, not Steven going into her mind. Just for a few minutes.”

“White takes control every time she’s out,” Garnet said. “It’s too risky.”

“Why can’t we do what we did last time?” Steven asked. “Tie her up when she’s out, and poof her when White shows up.”

“We can’t keep putting that much physical strain on her,” Garnet said. “From what you’ve said, she’s already fighting an intense mental battle. We don’t need to make it worse by jeopardizing her physical form as well.”

Amethyst crumpled up the bag and tossed it in her mouth. “All of this is up to Pearl now,” Garnet continued quietly. “She’s at a point where we can’t help her.”

“It might help if she knows we haven’t given up on her,” Steven insisted. “Just a few minutes. Just so she knows we’re still here, and we still believe in her, and we haven’t given up yet. She needs to know we’re not giving up.”

Amethyst sighed, looking at Garnet. “You know her,” she said. “If she thinks she’s caused too much trouble, she’s going to decide we hate her.”

“Yeah.” Garnet shook her head. “Wait here.”

She went outside. Amethyst and Steven exchanged looks, neither really knowing what to say. Garnet returned a moment later, with Lapis and Peridot right behind her.

“What is she planning to do with that destabilizer?” Peridot asked, and Steven realized it was indeed similar to the weapon Jasper had once used to poof Garnet.

“Amethyst, get ready. Steven, bring her down.”

“We’re letting Pearl out _again_?” Lapis asked. “No offense, but I feel like we should know better right now.”

“It’s the only way we can talk to her,” Amethyst said. “We need to find out how she’s doing. And if there’s anything we can do to help.”

“And let her know we still believe in her,” Steven added. That part was important.

“We have five minutes, if Pearl can stay in control long enough,” Garnet said. “I’m not risking any more than that. Ready, Amethyst?” The purple gem nodded. “Go ahead, Steven.”

Steven carefully popped the bubble, stepping back with Peridot and Lapis as the pearl began to glow. It almost _hurt_ to see how exhausted Pearl was; if it wasn’t for Amethyst tying her up, Steven was sure she would have fallen right over it.

“What’re you _doing_?” Pearl — it was definitely Pearl — demanded through gritted teeth. “You can’t keep letting me out, it’s—”

“We know, we know,” Amethyst said. “You’re wasting time. There has to be something we can do to help you. Anything.”

“How are you holding up?” Garnet added. Pearl groaned, squeezing her eyes shut.

“I’m still here. She’s… She’s strong, though. I can’t keep this up forever.” She sounded disappointed in herself. “I’m sorry.”

Steven hugged her tight, avoiding the whip the best he could. “What can we do?” Amethyst sounded desperate. “Come on, there’s got to be something.”

Pearl shook her head. “It’s between her and me. Unless you’ve figured out a way to astral project into my mind with Steven, there’s nothing anyone else can do.”

“Then let _me_ help,” Steven said. “Please, Pearl. Let me do this for you.”

The words were such an odd echo of the past — how many times had Pearl said the exact same thing to Rose? How many times had Rose rebuked her because they were equals and Pearl shouldn’t be sacrificing her life so carelessly? But Steven was a _child_. She couldn’t get him involved…

Pain spiked in Pearl’s head and she cried out, leaning forward. _It’s_ _ **my**_ _body,_ White hissed. _You’re a parasite._

“Shut… up,” Pearl gritted out, shaking with the effort of holding White back.

_You’re a Pearl. A pathetic, good for nothing Pearl without a master to serve. You can’t even fight for yourself._

“Shut up!”

Fiery hot pain pierced through Pearl’s entire head, starting at her gem and spreading out, and for a moment she thought she would pass out as black spots filled her vision, and the room swam.

“Oh no,” she heard Amethyst whisper, and she looked up tiredly.

“What? What’s wrong?”

It was Steven who managed to answer. “Your… Your gem just cracked. What happened?”

Cold seemed to spread through Pearl’s entire body. “It’s starting to break under the pressure of our fighting,” she said quietly. Steven licked his hand, stepping forward. “No!” Pearl pulled back the best she could. “Don’t heal it. It’s just going to make her stronger.”

“But leaving it cracked makes _you_ weaker,” Steven insisted.

“Which means I have to use every advantage I can get. This will hurt her as well, much more effectively than I can.” Pearl took a couple of deep breaths. She’d forgotten how much a cracked gem hurt. “Garnet. Please.” She had seen the destabilizer in Garnet’s hand. She understood the plan.

“Don’t give up,” Steven begged as Garnet stepped forward. “I believe in you. We all still believe in you, and we love you. _Please_ don’t give up.”

Pearl gave him a weary smile. “I won’t. I promised, remember?”

She let out a short scream as the destabilizer touched her, and then she was gone. Garnet caught her gem and bubbled it, examining the crack. “Did we cause that?” Amethyst asked quietly.

“I don’t think so. Their fighting is starting to show physical effects on the gem, though. If they don’t finish this soon, there won’t be a gem left to control.”

That was a haunting thought.

 

 


	12. Preparing To...Fight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven gets ready for a battle in a very.... unorthodox way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please hold all complaints about this chapter being filler. We are not accepting complaints at this time. Thank you

“We need to do something,” Steven insisted, staring at Pearl’s gem, safely back in the bubble. “If she’s going to break, then we have to stop the fighting.”

“How?” Amethyst asked. “She said we can’t help her.”

“I can,” Steven said, jaw set, daring the gems to argue with him. “I can still go into her mind when I sleep.”

“But you said she knows how to throw you out.”

“Then I’ll just… have to make sure I’m _really_ tired,” Steven said with a determined nod. “So tired that nothing will wake me up, not even Pearl hitting me in the head with her sword.”

“Wait, she what?” Bismuth asked, raising an eyebrow. They had called her back from the forge after this latest development.

“Usually when I’m in someone’s mind like that, I wake up right before something really bad happens, because I’m scared awake or I’m about to get hurt. I guess Pearl figured that out. She’s never _actually_ hurt me — I have a really small headache when I wake up, but that’s it.”

“I mean… we could knock you out,” Amethyst said.

“Let’s avoid causing Steven any physical harm,” Garnet spoke up, frowning. “She’s made it clear she doesn’t want help.”

“Because she’s not thinking right!” Steven insisted. “She’s all messed up over this and having an identity crisis and part of her probably thinks we’d be better off without her! But she promised me she wouldn’t give up, and I believe that, and if I’m going to make her promise things then I should help her keep those promises. She _needs_ us. And you can’t stop me from helping her unless you want to keep me awake forever.”

“He’s got a point,” Peridot said. Garnet sighed.

“I know.”

She pushed herself off the counter and started toward the warp pad. “Steven, Peridot, let’s go.”

“Wait, where are we going?” Steven asked.

“Why am _I_ going?” Peridot added.

“Sky Arena. A good workout should exhaust Steven. And you need fighting practice.”

Peridot grumbled as she followed, hating to admit Garnet was right.

They spent nearly two hours at the sky arena, Steven tossing shields frisbee-style into the air while Peridot tried to direct the knives Bismuth had made her and hit the shields. For every one she missed, she hit two more.

“Not bad,” Garnet said with a nod as Steven took out another shield. “Make that the last one for now. You’re starting to look worn down.”

“That’s the point, though,” Steven said.

“You still need to take care of your human body. We’ll go back and eat, and I’m sure Amethyst can find something to do that’ll help tire you out.”

She wasn’t wrong about that. Steven ate some dinner, then Amethyst dragged him off to the beach, laughing. “Wait, what are we doing?”

“Shield sledding!” She got out her whip and tossed it to Steven before turning into a car with giant wheels to run on the sand. “I saw it on TV. Tie the whip to me, get your shield out and stand on it, and see how long you can keep it up while I drag you along.”

“That sounds… really dangerous.”

“You chicken?”

Steven stuck his tongue out, grinning, and tied the whip to car Amethyst before summoning his shield and jumping on it. “Ready?” Amethyst called. Steven gripped the handle of the whip tight.

“Ready!”

The motor revved, and off they want, Steven laughing as he tried to stay balanced on the shield. It was way harder than he would have thought — he had to maintain the shield, keep his balance, hold on to the whip, and try not to look around — they were moving so fast he was afraid he might throw up.

He felt the shield begin to give and yelped, summoning up the happiest thought he could — Pearl, back with them, happy and healed and whole — and jumped into the air right as his shield disappeared, spinning and yelling.

“Amethyyyyyyyyyyyst I think I’m done!”

“That was _awesome_!” Amethyst yelled, skidding to a halt and morphing back to herself. “We gotta do that again!”

“Maybe later,” Steven said as he tried to stop spinning so he could land. “I think I’m worn out on shields for now. What’s next?”

Next was helping Peridot comb the beach for more pieces of the Diamonds’ ships that may have been missed the first three times she and Pearl searched.

“Maybe we should have done this first,” Steven said, digging around the wreckage site. “It’s getting dark.”

Peridot’s gem lit up to illuminate the area. “I wonder if I can do that.” He looked down at his gem. It had glowed plenty of times, but he couldn’t use it as a flashlight.

“Most gems can,” Peridot, frowning as a glint of silver caught her eye, and she knelt down to pick up the small piece. “It’s not the most necessary ability, but it’s useful to have in times like this.”

Steven may not have had a flashlight in his belly, but he had one in his phone. He pulled it out of his pocket and turned on the light to continue looking.

“Do you really think you can help Pearl?” Peridot asked after a few moments. Steven frowned. No one had wanted to ask, but he knew they were all thinking it.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But I can’t… I can’t just sit around and do _nothing_. She _needs_ me.”

“Why are you so devoted to her?” It wasn’t a scathing question — it was an honest one. “Her loyalty to you is obvious, but you owe her nothing.”

“I owe her _everything_ ,” Steven corrected. “Pearl helped raise me and take care of me and protected me when I couldn’t do it for myself. And yeah, maybe she started out doing that because it was what my mom wanted, but I know she loves me for _me_ , not just because I have Mom’s gem. Her and me and Garnet and Amethyst are a family. You’re part of that family now too. And so are Lapis and Bismuth. And that means we take care of each other.”

Peridot paused, looking back at Steven. “I suppose,” she said quietly, “I still have too much of the Homeworld mentality in me.”

“I think it’s been hard for everyone with the Diamonds hanging around,” Steven assured her. “Pearl said it’s been hard for her seeing the other Pearls being ordered around and stuff. Things will be better once Pearl is back and everything starts going back to normal.”

Peridot didn’t correct him on his assumption that Pearl would come back. She wasn’t cruel.

After searching the beach, Steven went with Bismuth to the forge to help her rearrange some things. He had a feeling she enjoyed getting a little free labor out of helping him exhaust himself.

“What was it like?” Steven asked as he shoved a box of weapons to another corner of the room. “The war, I mean.”

“Garnet and Pearl don’t talk about it?”

“Sometimes,” Steven said. “But they don’t like to.”

“I guess it’s harder since they saw the end of it.” Bismuth sighed. “I should have been there.”

“If you had been, you might not have survived,” Steven pointed out. “Mom could only save Pearl and Garnet because they were close enough for her to grab and shield.”

“True.” Bismuth shook her head. “No point in dwelling on the what ifs. The war was… chaos, honestly. Battles that lasted for days and weeks, no chance to rest even when we were injured or our gems were hurt… but we thought it was worth it, then. I still think it was worth it now.”

“Really?” Steven asked, surprised. He knew finding out the truth about Rose had cast the war in a completely different light for Sapphire. And Pearl… well, he had no idea what she thought of it.

“Yeah, I mean… we were _free_.” Bismuth smiled. “You should’ve seen Pearl, back in those days. I don’t know if she was really good at faking confidence, or if she actually had it, but she’d walk through our camps like she owned the place, bossing gems around and looking smug when they actually listened. A few gems complained to Rose, but she told them Pearl was her second-in-command, and they should take Pearl’s orders as if they were coming from Rose herself.”

Bismuth dropped a rock, huffing and sitting on it, contemplating the wall. “The first time I saw her fuse was with Garnet. A bunch of us had volunteered to practice, in case of an emergency in a battle, and Garnet was the obvious choice to go first since she already so much experience. But everyone was nervous, ya know, since fusion is such a taboo thing on Homeworld. Pearl was the first one to volunteer. It took a few tries — you could tell she was nervous, ya know? — but suddenly there’s Sardonyx, introducing herself and putting on the greatest show while the others just watched with their mouths hanging open, and Rose was laughing. You’ve met Sardonyx, right?”

“Yeah.” Steven laughed. “A couple times. She’s pretty great.”

“She is,” Bismuth agreed. “I’m pretty sure showmanship is all Pearl — what she would be if she wasn’t held back by her gem type. There was always something she restrained, but you had to know her well enough to see it. And not many gems took the time to get to know her. She was just the Renegade, walking around with no owner for all the world to see.

“I think she got a little hooked on being Sardonyx. I think Garnet did as well. She’s everything they both wanted to be — strong and confident and not afraid to be herself. Garnet’s proud of who she is, but she’s like Pearl. There’s always something she has to hold back. Pearl is trapped by the stereotypes of her gem. But Sardonyx… doesn’t care about any of that. She doesn’t take crap, and she gives as good as she gets.”

Steven had never thought that much about it. “A few months back, when Peridot was still the enemy and we were trying to catch her, Pearl kind of… tricked Garnet into fusing with her because she loved being Sardonyx so much.”

Bismuth sighed. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. Like I said, they were hooked on it. Rose eventually had to tell them both Sardonyx was benched. I’m guessing they didn’t fuse often after the war was over.”

“I got the feeling it’d been a while,” Steven said. “Pearl got all teary-eyed and happy.”

“Of course she did.” Bismuth chuckled. “I guess they both learned some restraint after I was bubbled. Pearl’s always had a bit of an obsessive quality, though. I’m not surprised one fusion would bring all that back.”

“What do you mean obsessive?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed.” Bismuth raised an eyebrow. “Look, I love Pearl, don’t get me wrong, but once she gets her mind on something, it’s impossible to get her off of it until something disastrous happens or it all blows up in her face.”

Steven frowned, remembering the time they had built the spaceship, remembering the Sardonyx incident, remembering how single-minded she had been in the aftermath to try and catch Peridot with the hopes that Garnet would forgive her. On their own, the incidents didn’t mean much. But putting them all together made a pattern.

“Yeah. I guess I have noticed.”

“She’s always been like that. We assumed it was part of her natural function as a Pearl — you know, always having to please her owner and all that. Except without an owner, she decided she had to please _everyone_.”

Steven sighed, looking at the ground. _Everything I do, I do it for her. I do it for him!_

Why couldn’t she ever just do it for herself?

“Hey, you all right?” He looked up to see Bismuth watching him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bum you out.”

“No, it’s okay,” Steven said quickly, smiling. “I mean, it’s a lot to think about. But there’s a lot I don’t know about Pearl and Garnet, so it’s… kind of nice to learn more. Especially from someone who knows them so well.”

Bismuth grinned. “Well, I won’t tell you all their deepest, darkest secrets. But if you ever need a good embarrassing story, I’ve got a ton. There was this one time, they both ended up in a mud puddle, and I thought Pearl’s head was going to explode…”

* * *

 

“ _What if I come with you? We’ve shared dreams as Stevonnie before_.”

“That was a memory, though,” Steven said. “We were seeing something old stuff through Mom’s eyes. I don’t know if Stevonnie can go into someone else’s mind.”

“ _True_.” Connie sighed. “ _I’m just worried about you. This other Pearl is dangerous, and it sounds worse inside Pearl’s head_.”

“It is,” Steven admitted. “But I—” He broke off to yawn, rubbing his eyes. Amethyst delivered another glass of warm milk to him, and he smiled. “I need to help her.”

“ _Even if she’s mad that you’re going against her orders and putting yourself in danger?_ ”

“That just means I have to do it _more_ , because she doesn’t realize that she’s worth the risk,” Steven argued.

“ _I know, I know. I know how she gets_.” They both fell silent for a moment, remembering the early days of Connie’s sword training, when the focus had been “protect Steven at all costs.” “ _But she gets that way for a reason. She loves you_.”

“And I love her. Which is exactly why I’m doing this.”

Connie made a small noise that was almost a laugh. “ _You’re too good for this world sometimes._ ”

“I know.” Steven puffed up, only to deflate when he yawned again.

“ _You also sound really tired_.”

“I’m getting there.” He rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “Some nice, comfy pajamas, my bed, a couple more glasses of warm milk, and I think I’ll be ready.”

“ _Talk about an easy way to prepare for a hard fight_.”

“I know, right?” Steven laughed. “I wish all battles were this easy to get ready for.”

“ _Don’t say that until you know how hard the battle is actually going to be_.” She had a good point. “ _I have to go, Steven, Mom’s giving me the time for bed signal. Call me in the morning and let me know how everything turns out?_ ”

“Absolutely,” Steven said. “Even better, you’ll be able to talk to Pearl yourself.”

Like Peridot, Connie didn’t have the heart to dash Steven’s hopes. _“I’d like that. Hey, do you think this means I can get out of sword training for a bit? Not that I don’t like it, but a break is nice, too_.”

“She might need some time to recover,” Steven said thoughtfully. “Good night, Connie.”

“ _Night, Steven_.”

They hung up, and Steven tossed his phone to the side, sighing. “You okay?” Lapis asked from the stairs. “You’ve been running yourself ragged.”

“That’s the point, though,” Steven said, sitting up. “And yeah, I’m fine. Not quite tired enough yet. Got any ideas for putting to sleep?”

“I guess I could tell you about being trapped in a mirror in Pearl’s head for five-thousand years,” Lapis said dryly, sitting with him. “That was pretty boring for the most part. It might be boring enough to put you to sleep.”

Steven wasn’t completely sure if she was joking or not. “Do you… resent Pearl for that?” He asked uncertainly.

“I did,” Lapis admitted. “For a long time. But I guess… I can see it from her point of view. All she knew about me was that I was a Lapis Lazuli in the back of a mirror. She didn’t know if I was a soldier, or if I was going to try and attack the minute they let me free. I mean, I wish they’d… you know, maybe taken the chance, but there’s no point in living in the past anymore. I wish I had learned that lesson sooner. We might still have the barn.”

“But you got to have an _awesome_ heroic entrance,” Steven said with a grin. “And… the barn looked kind of cool slamming into the back of Blue Diamond’s head.”

Lapis snorted, trying to cover her laugh. Steven sat up, hugging her tight. “I’m really, really glad you came back. And you’re one of us now!”

“Weird, right?” Lapis grinned, hugging Steven back.

“It’s not weird, it’s amazing.”

* * *

 

“What…” Steven yawned widely, “what time’z’it?”

They had given up making Steven run around to wear himself out — now they were just waiting for time and the human body to do what it needed to do. Amethyst was at the end of his bed with Garnet, Lapis, Peridot, and Bismuth sitting on the stairs in descending order.

“Almost midnight,” Garnet said. “Think you’re tired enough to sleep and stay asleep yet?”

Well he certainly _felt_ tired enough. His eyes would barely stay open. “Yeah.” He yawned again. He’d had another glass of warm milk not long ago, and it must have been what did the trick because he was ready to fall over. “I think… I think if I just…”

He crawled under his covers and collapsed, curling up in the warmth of the thick blanket, almost smiling. He was so tired, and so comfortable, and this felt absolutely perfect.

He was snoring within moments. “Well, he’s out,” Amethyst said. “Now hopefully he can _stay_ asleep.”

“Oh, he will,” Peridot said with a suspicious amount of confidence. Lapis was the one who voiced what they were all thinking.

“Peridot, did you drug him?”

“No!” Peridot hesitated. “Not… much. Just one little pill. I found it at a human store. It’s supposed to help humans sleep!”

“You _drugged_ him!” Amethyst groaned, slapping her forehead.

“It was _one_ little pill in his last glass of warm milk. It’s safe for humans!”

“Well, he’s certainly out, then,” Garnet said, looking back at the sleeping boy. “Probably for twelve or so hours.”

“Good luck, bud.”

 


	13. When It Falls Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No spoilers ^.^

Steven’s eyes flew open. The first thing he noticed was that there were cracks in the walls and floors of the white room. He wondered if that was a result of the fighting, or if Pearl’s mind was just falling apart. The sound of sword fighting drew his attention, and he looked over to see Pearl’s and White’s blades clashing as they struck furiously at one another. Steven was relieved to see Pearl still up and fighting. He held out his arm, grinning when his shield formed.

He grasped the shield with his other hand, throwing it like a Frisbee. Neither Pearl had noticed him, which gave him an advantage — by the time White realized what was happening, it was too late to dodge the shield. It caught her square in the chest and threw her back. Pearl whirled, surprised.

“Steven!”

She quickly snapped her attention back to the fight, though, taking advantage of White’s momentary stunned state to drive her blade into White’s leg. White yelled in pain, and Pearl scrambled back, running to Steven and grabbing him by the shirt to pull him along as they escaped.

“What are you doing back here?” She demanded. She looked worse than before — he could see several clear slits in her tunic where she had obviously been stabbed, and he swore he saw blood on the side of her head.

“I came to help you!”

“You _can’t_! I already told you, there’s nothing any of you can do to help!”

“There has to be! Can we hide somewhere?”

Pearl skidded to a halt, going to the wall and pressing her hand against it. What looked like a small closet opened. “She knows these are here and she’ll find us eventually,” Pearl said, waving Steven inside. “But it’s a chance to catch my breath, at least.”

She followed him, and as soon as the door slid shut, she collapsed to her knees. “Where are we?” Steven asked, looking around. He could see perfectly fine even though it seemed liked they were standing in pitch black nothing.

“It’s like a small pocket dimension outside my conscious mind,” Pearl said wearily, wiping the blood away from her cheek. “My gem — well, her gem, I guess — is trying to figure out a way to accommodate both of us; it gave me places to hide.”

Steven walked over to her, hugging her tight. She sighed, slim arms wrapping his little body. “Steven, you need to wake up.”

“Uh… I can’t.” Steven pulled away, grinning sheepishly. “I made myself super extra tired so I could stay here and help you, and so you couldn’t kick me out.”

“What?” Pearl squawked in disbelief. “You can’t—”

“I had to!” Steven said. “Your gem is starting to crack. You need help to stop this.”

“It…” Pearl frowned, an almost unbearable sadness washing over her. “This is her body,” she said quietly. “I don’t know why I’m still fighting.”

“Because its yours just as much as it’s hers,” Steven insisted. “Even your gem thinks so. You said it’s trying to help both of you!”

“And eventually it’s going to shatter under the pressure of it,” Pearl said. “Literally. It’s already started. We can’t both be here.”

“What if you stopped fighting? Why can’t you learn to live together?”

Pearl laughed humorlessly. “She’s not particularly interested in cohabiting. She wants her body back. And I… I don’t blame her. She’s right. I’m an intruder.”

“No, you’re not. White Diamond did this to both of you. You never asked for it. But you’re just as real as White is, no matter where you came from.”

“Everything about me is a lie.” It hurt to hear that. “It has been, right from the very beginning. My existence, my purpose in life, all of it was fake.”

“Not all of it,” Steven said. “Your experiences are still real. The war and now much it hurt you is still real. Your love for Mom was real.” Pearl blushed slightly. “The way you’d drop everything and sacrifice yourself for someone else in a heartbeat is real. I told you, your past doesn’t matter. What you are _now_ is what matters.”

Tears filled Pearl’s eyes. “I can’t beat her,” she said quietly.

“Maybe not alone. But you’re _not_ alone. I’m here. And Garnet and Amethyst and Bismuth and Lapis and Peridot are all sitting around my bed and your bubble, waiting for us. Waiting for _you_. They believe in you. Even Peridot.”

Pearl laughed weakly. “I guess punching her in the jaw shook _some_ sense into her.”

Steven grinned in return. “We’re all here for you. We know you can do it.”

Pearl smiled, resting her hand briefly on Steven’s shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “Okay,” she said quietly, and her gem glowed as she pulled out another sword. “We need to move before she corners us in here.”

“I’m guessing that’s happened before,” Steven said, standing and letting his shield form. Pearl chose not to answer, instead sliding the door open and peeking out to make sure it was safe.

“Come on. And keep an eye out. She blends in too well.”

“Yeah, I kind of feel like a sore thumb,” Steven said, looking down at his red shirt with its bright yellow star. He appreciated that the star was the symbol of the crystal gems, but did his have to be so bright?

Pearl whirled suddenly, swinging her blade just above Steven’s head and catching White’s sword right before she sliced him in half. “You don’t have to die, Steven,” White said through gritted teeth. “As long as you stop _getting in my way_.”

Steven scowled. “Sorry, but I’m a professional busy body.” His bubble expanded out around him and Pearl, knocking White away. “You should know that.”

“Oh, I do.” White pushed herself back up, cracking her neck. “It’s a shame. You’re just slightly more tolerable than Rose.”

“Steven, drop the bubble,” Pearl said, readying herself. Steven nodded, and as soon as they were free Pearl flew forward, and the swords met once more. It was kind of amazing, Steven thought as he watched. White thought Pearl was weak. _Pearl_ thought she was weak. But here she was, fighting a trained assassin and keeping up. She really was incredible.

“Look who has a new will to live,” White scoffed, trying to push Pearl back. Pearl pressed her hand against the flat of her blade, putting all her weight into holding on.

“I’ve always had a will to live. Unlike you, I’ve got something besides vengeance keeping me going.” Somehow, Pearl managed to swing her sword and knock White back.

“Your entire existence is a joke,” White said, steadying herself. “You’re a third-rate gem at best, you’re not even real, and you walk around pretending you _matter_. It’s pathetic.”

“At least _my_ Diamond didn’t dump me because I was malfunctioning,” Pearl shot back. Darkness flashed across White’s expression.

“At least mine didn’t drop me for a _human_. Honestly, I knew Pink was pathetic, but that was a little much even for her. I suppose she was desperate for better company.”

Pearl’s fingers tightened on her sword, and she raised it to strike again. White was just a bit quicker, however; she slashed sideways, leaving a long, deep, horizontal cut on Pearl’s chest. She stumbled back with a groan, pressing a hand against it.

“Do you really think you can use White Diamond against me?” White asked, moving forward. Pearl stepped back, shakily readying her sword again. “Unlike you, I know how to move on. She doesn’t matter to me.”

“Right,” Pearl gritted out. “She matters so little you want to find her and kill her just to prove how much you don’t care. Do I have that right?”

White’s next move was either wild and off the mark, or a calculated move to cause Pearl more pain — it was impossible to tell. Pearl was too slow to dodge, though, and screamed as the blade went through her shoulder.

“Pearl!” Steven started to move forward, but froze when he saw Pearl’s free hand moving. She reached up, grabbing the blade and holding on tight.

“That’s what you’ve _really_ been doing for the last eight-thousand years, isn’t it?” She said breathlessly. “You want to pretend you’re better than me, you’re stronger than me, you have better control than I do — but your emotions aren’t gone. You’re angry at White Diamond. Furious with being imprisoned in your own body.”

White tried to pull her sword back, but Pearl tightened her grip and drove her own sword right into White’s stomach.

“You’re no better than I am,” Pearl continued as White stumbled back. She pulled the blade from her shoulder, letting it drop to the floor, and Steven saw that her hand was bleeding. “You’d kill every single human and gem in Beach City if it meant getting yourself to White Diamond faster.”

White glared, drawing another sword from her own gem. “You’re right. Why don’t I start with you and Steven?”

They both moved, too fast for Steven to follow. All he could make out was the constant clashing of blades. Pearl drew another sword, slashing another cut across White’s collar bone and kicking her in the stomach to send her flying back. They were both breathing heavily now, exhausted and wounded. Steven was amazed they could stand.

“I should have realized how stubborn you are,” White said, surprisingly with a cold smile. “My mistake.”

“I don’t want to fight you,” Pearl replied. White laughed.

“But you’re still soft. That’s a shame. It’d almost make your pathetic existence worth it if you killed me. If you’re not doing anything worthwhile, however, then you can give me my body back.”

“Make me,” Pearl said in a hard voice, readying both swords.

“I plan on it.”

Steven didn’t think it would ever end. They were both stubborn, and they both wanted to live — and who could blame them? They both _deserved_ to live. But the room around them continued to crack, and he was fairly certain if this went on much longer, neither of them would live because their gem would shatter.

Pearl took another slash to the leg, and retaliated by very nearly cutting White’s arm off. They were going to kill each other. What would happen to the gem if there was no conscious mind at all?

He didn’t want to find out.

“ _Stop!_ ”

He rush forward throwing his hands out, and a giant shield sprang to life, separating him and Pearl from White. “You have to stop fighting! Look at what you’re doing to yourselves!”

“Steven, move,” Pearl said quietly. “This isn’t going to end until one of us is gone.”

“And what if you shatter your gem? Then you’ll both be gone! What’s the point if there’s no body left for either of you to live in?”

“You have one warning,” White said in a low voice. “Just one, Steven. Get out of the way.”

“Why is this so important to you?” Steven asked desperately. “Is it just for revenge? Is all of this worth that?”

“It’s _my_ body!” Steven was surprised when she yelled. “I’m the one who first formed it, I’m the one who went through years of torture and nearly being shattered just to get where I am, I’m the one who was used like a tool for thousands of years!”

“And Pearl’s the one who fought a war in it,” Steven argued. “Pearl’s the one who discovered a new planet in it. Pearl’s the one who fell in love in it, and lost that love, and continued to fight anyways! Pearl’s the one who taught herself to sword fight, and to build machines and fix things, and helped me taking my training wheels off my bike even though Dad said I wasn’t ready, and the one who fights by mine and Garnet’s and Amethyst’s sides for a dream she still believes in even after five-thousand years.

“ _You_ _don’t have to keep fighting_. I know you’re angry and you want your life back, but if anyone understands how it feels to _lose_ their life, it should be you. Why would you put Pearl through the same thing you’ve gone through?”

Silence followed Steven’s speech. “Because she can’t relate,” Pearl finally said quietly, meeting White’s blank expression. “Because White Diamond tortured all of that out of you, didn’t she? Empathy and sympathy and the ability to connect with others… she took it all away.”

“Not all of it,” White said. “She left the anger. Said it would do me good.”

Pearl sighed, dropping her swords. “You never asked for this. _I_ never asked for this. But… we’re both here, whether we like it or not. We can keep fighting and risk shattering the gem and killing ourselves. Or we can find another way.”

White didn’t say anything — her eyes narrowed at one of the cracks in the wall. “We’ve let the Diamonds control us for too long,” Pearl continued in the wake of silence. “White Diamond imprisoned you. Pink Diamond silenced me. But they’re not here. We are. You’re free, and I can finally speak. We’re not enemies.”

Steven’s eyes darted between them, the worry growing in his expression as White continued to maintain her silence. What was she thinking? Did she agree? Was she going to attack?

The world shattered.

They all yelled in surprise, and Pearl automatically grabbed Steven, holding him tight as shards of white came down around them. Steven’s heart jumped to his throat. Were they too late? Was the damage to the gem done? He squeezed his eyes shut, clinging to Pearl, as if he could somehow keep her right there forever.

“Pearl!” Steven shot up in bed, startling everyone; even Garnet jumped.

“Steven! Are you okay?”

“What happened? You’ve been out for like thirteen hours!”

“Peridot drugged you.”

“It was _one_ pill!”

Steven didn’t hear any of their questions. He jumped out of bed, grabbing Pearl’s bubble. “Steven, hang on—”

He ignored Garnet and popped it, catching Pearl’s gem so it didn’t hit the floor. He licked his hand to heal the crack, and it began to glow almost immediately; he let it float into the air, watching her reform. The others watched uncertainly; Amethyst already had her whip out.

It took a moment longer than Steven was happy with for Pearl to finally form. Everyone watched the glow nervously, not daring to even blink until Pearl finally touched the ground. Her legs refused to hold her, however; she staggered forward, and it was only a quick move from Garnet that kept her from collapsing.

“Ow,” she groaned breathlessly in a voice was that was utterly and completely Pearl, and Steven lit up at the sound.

“Pearl?” Garnet questioned, shifting to cradle her slightly in one arm while she checked her over for damage.

“It’s me,” Pearl mumbled without opening her eyes. She was shaking, and Steven swore he saw her form glitch.

“I was more questioning if you’re okay.” Garnet’s fingers brushed lightly against Pearl’s gem, and she winced, pulling away with a small noise.

“Head is killing me,” she mumbled, blinking a few times as if to clear her vision. “Since when does Steven’s room spin?”

“What happened?” Steven asked. “Everything was collapsing. Are you all right? Is White?”

Pearl shook her head weakly. “I have no idea. I lost track of her. Everything is kind of a mess…”

She winced, bringing one hand up to press against her forehead. “You’ve been under a massive physical and mental strain,” Garnet said gently. “You should get some rest.”

“You can have my bed,” Steven said immediately, pulling his blankets back so Garnet could help Pearl into the bed. It was a sign of how awful she felt that Pearl didn’t even protest; she stood halfway, letting Garnet guide her, and Pearl collapsed into the bed, curling up. Steven had never seen any of the gems hurting so much. He didn’t like it.

The pinched, pained look faded as Pearl passed out, and Steven took the time to tuck her in before silently shooing everyone downstairs.

“What happened?” Amethyst whispered once they had settled in the living room.

“She and White were fighting, and they were really hurting each other,” Steven replied. “And it looked like their mind was cracking. I got them to stop, and Pearl kind of stepped back and dropped her swords, and said they’d both been controlled by the Diamonds for too long and they had to start making choices for themselves. Then the room we were in started to shake and fall apart and I grabbed Pearl but then I woke up.”

“So her mind was falling apart?” Peridot asked, frowning. “Is that even possible? Pearls are _weird_.”

“I don’t know what was happening. But we let her out of the bubble and she reformed and she’s here now, kind of. So that has to be good, right?”

They all looked at Garnet, of course. “I’m not sure,” she admitted. “This is a very unique situation. There’s no way to predict what’s going to happen.”

“What if she wakes up and she’s White again?” Lapis asked, frowning. “She could attack us.”

“I don’t think she will,” Steven said. “I have a good feeling about this.”

“I dunno, Stee-bo,” Amethyst said quietly. “What if you’re wrong?”

“I haven’t been wrong yet. I trusted Lapis, and Peridot, and Bismuth, and the Diamonds, and it’s all worked out so far, hasn’t it?” Steven pointed out. No one had a response to that. Garnet finally sighed.

“Just like your mother,” she said, and for the first time in a while he actually swelled with pride at those words. He _knew_ if Rose Quartz was here, she would have defended Pearl just as passionately. “Let her sleep for now. There’s no point in worrying until she wakes up.”

They looked toward the loft, watching Pearl’s still form, all wondering how long that would take.

 


	14. The Time Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long, intense fight, everyone gets some well deserved rest - including and especially Pearl.

“She’s been asleep for _hours_. Are we sure she’s still alive?”

“Of course she’s still alive, her physical body would cease to exist if—”

“Perighetti, shut up.”

Peridot scowled at Amethyst, who was staring at the loft stairs. It had been well over twelve hours since Steven had helped Pearl get back, and Pearl was _still_ sleeping. Steven had put a cloth around her head to stop her from projecting her dreams.

“This has all been a huge mental strain on her,” Garnet said. “I’m sure she’ll need a lot of rest before she’s ready for much of anything.”

Steven tore his eyes away from the loft when he saw movement outside; the palanquins had returned. “Why are we letting them wander around Earth alone again?” Bismuth asked, scowling.

“Because no one wanted to be on Diamond babysitting duty,” Lapis said.

“Besides, they haven’t done any harm, surprisingly,” Peridot added. “And the less time we have to spend with them, the better. Well, for most of us,” she added as Steven hopped off the couch and hurried out the door. “Steven seems fond of them for some reason.”

“Steven likes everyone,” Amethyst pointed out. “He liked _you_ before you were even cool.”

“Hey!”

“We did it!” Steven announced as he hopped off the porch. He landed on the sand and immediately went to hug Blue Pearl, who looked absolutely baffled.

“What?”

“We helped Pearl!” He pulled away to hug Yellow Pearl next. Blue had to bite down a giggle at the look on her yellow counterpart’s face.

“What do you mean _helped_?” Yellow Diamond asked, suspicious. Steven jumped up to the roof so he could talk to them.

“Well, I astral projected into her mind while her gem was in the bubble, and she and White were fighting, and it was kind of really cool, way better than any samurai movies. I always thought Pearl was exaggerating when she talked about how unrealistic they are, but watching her _really_ fight is so cool.” The Diamonds had learned quickly to just let Steven talk without interruption. There was no point in interrupting his streams of thought. “Anyways, so Pearl and White were fighting, and they were hurting each other pretty bad — like if it had been their real bodies they probably have poofed each other. But their fighting was putting too much strain on their physical gem, so I got them to stop, and then the place we were in cracked open and everything was shaking. And I woke up, and Pearl came back when I let her out of the bubble! She’s sleeping now, they were fighting _really_ hard, so I think they’re both tired.”

Four shocked expressions stared at him. “So…” Yellow Pearl asked slowly. “White is still _here_.”

“Well, no one’s here right now. Pearl’s been passed out forever.”

“But she still exists somewhere in Pink’s head?” Blue Pearl asked.

“Yeah,” Steven admitted. “But I think they can get along.”

Yellow Diamond made an impatient noise in the back of her throat, and Blue Diamond rested a hand on her arm. “Steven, your capacity to trust is… incredible,” she said. “But White Pearl isn’t going to accept this as a long-term solution.”

“Why not?” Steven frowned. “It’s the best answer for everyone.”

“She made it clear she wants revenge. She won’t be content with staying on Earth and staying in the background.”

“I don’t think she wants revenge,” Steven said. “I mean, part of her does, maybe, but… look, from the second she was created, White Diamond did everything she could to break her, and then she tried to turn her into this emotionless soldier. _Then_ she tried to erase her, and she got a front row seat to Pearl’s life, where people cared about her and respected her and wanted to help her and loved her. How could she see all of that and not want it for herself as well? I don’t think she’s dangerous. I think she’s lonely.”

“And you’re willing to put your life on the line for that thought?” Yellow Diamond demanded.

“Everyone deserves a chance. I gave Peridot a chance after she tried to kidnap us and take us back to Homeworld and kill us, and look where she is now. I gave Bismuth a chance after she tried to kill me, and now she’s happier than she ever was. I gave _you_ guys a chance after you tried to kill all of us because I knew you just missed Pink Diamond. Why shouldn’t White Pearl get one too? Doesn’t she deserve it as much as anyone?”

“And if you’re wrong?”

Steven shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t been yet. The gems won’t let anything happen, though. If they think Pearl’s a threat, they’ll put her back in the bubble.”

They didn’t understand. Steven knew they didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. He had faith.

* * *

“Maybe we should move her to her room,” Amethyst suggested. It had been almost an entire day, and Pearl was still completely unconscious.

“No, she can keep the bed,” Steven said quickly. “We should keep her somewhere we can keep an eye on her. Besides, she’s more comfortable up there. I can sleep on the couch.”

“Maybe you could go back into her head?” Peridot suggested. “Make sure she’s… ya know, okay? Gems don’t usually need to sleep like this.”

“I was out for a pretty long time after everything with Malachite,” Lapis pointed out.

“Not for an entire day, though.”

“We also don’t know what the current state of her mind is,” Garnet pointed out. “Steven said it looked like it was shattering. There’s a good chance she’s having to rebuild.”

“Is she going to be okay?” Steven asked. None of them had an answer. Steven looked up at the bed, frowning when he saw Pearl shift slightly, but stay asleep. Maybe she was dreaming?

The others retreated to their various hiding places for the night — Lapis followed Peridot outside. Camp Pining Hearts had been banned from the house until Pearl was feeling better. Steven settled into his nest on the couch, trying to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes all he saw was Pearl in the shattering room, Pearl collapsing into Garnet’s arms…

He heard her shift again and sat up, looking at the bed. Maybe just a peek under the cloth. He was desperate to know what was going on inside her head. Maybe he could see something that would help him.

That decided he got up, creeping up the stairs. Pearl had managed to ball herself into the corner, against the wall, leaving plenty of room for Steven to kneel on the bed and carefully reach out, removing the cloth. Her gem immediately project something onto the ceiling, and Steven looked up.

And he saw his mother.

Steven knew he should have put the cloth back on Pearl’s forehead and gone straight back to the couch, but… he was curious. It looked like they were in a tent of some sort, and Pearl looked… really beaten up. She was sitting on an overturned box; as he watched, Rose leaned over to let some tears fall onto the gem in Pearl’s forehead; there was a light sparkle as it healed.

“ _You need to stop doing this_ ,” Rose whispered, kneeling in front of Pearl and taking her by the shoulders. Pearl looked away, refusing to meet her gaze. “ _You’re going to get yourself killed_.”

“ _Better me than you_.” Her voice was flat and exhausted. Tears filled Rose’s eyes.

“ _That’s not true, and you know it. We’re equals. You’re just as important as I am. If not more so_.”

“ _And what if your form is destroyed in the middle of a fight?_ ” Pearl demanded, finally looking back at Rose. She looked as tired as she sounded. “ _How exactly am I supposed to explain your diamond to everyone_?” Rose winced, looking away. She clearly hadn’t thought of that. “ _I can handle getting my gem cracked or being poofed. I always come back._ ”

Rose ducked her head, hiding in her hair. “ _I can’t handle it, Pearl_.” The words clearly caught Pearl by surprise. “ _Do you know what it’s like, seeing you throw yourself in front of me, seeing you take the hits_ I’m _supposed to be taking? Do you know how much it hurts to pick up your gem after every battle and just_ hope _you weren’t cracked all the way through?_ ”

Pearl’s expression softened. She reached out, cupping Rose’s cheek in her hand. “ _I’m not going to get shattered. I made you a promise_.”

Rose’s hand came up to grip Pearl’s smaller one, and she looked up, tears moving slowly down her cheeks. “ _You’re not trying very hard to keep it._ ”

“ _I’m trying to protect you_.”

“ _I_ have _a shield. I don’t need you to be a second one.”_

Pearl looked away, and her entire body seemed to deflate. “ _I promised you we would see the end of this together. And we will. But I’m not going to stop protecting you, or your secret. Unless you order it, my Diamond_.”

Given the look on Rose’s face, Steven was fairly certain she would have been less shocked if Pearl had just punched her. “ _You know I won’t do that_ ,” Rose said. “ _You_ know _I want you to have your free will_.”

“ _Then let me do what I_ want _to do_.”

She picked her sheathed sword up and stood to walk away. Rose stood with her, grabbing her hand.

“ _Pearl_.”

“Steven.”

Steven jumped, yelping and falling right off the bed, landing on his head. Pearl wasn’t at all disturbed by the commotion. Steven grimaced, seeing Garnet at the bottom of the stairs.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, ignoring the projection as he stood to put the cloth back over Pearl’s gem. “I… thought maybe I would see something that would help us help her.”

“And you kept watching even after you realized it wouldn’t.” There was no accusation in Garnet’s tone. That was probably the worst part.

“Yeah.” Steven slumped down the stairs, flopping onto the couch. “I know I shouldn’t have. I just…” He tilted his head back to the ceiling, where the projection had been. “Garnet, did Mom really love Pearl?”

Garnet was quiet for a long moment as she settled at the other end of the couch, frowning slightly. “The only one who can say that for absolutely sure is Rose,” she said. “I can only make guesses based on what I’ve seen.”

“I trust your guesses.” Steven scooted to rest his head on Garnet’s lap, and smiled when she ran a hand through his hair and he felt the ring on her finger.

“Your mother and Rose were very close. They had arguments like that a lot.” She gestured at the ceiling. “Rose hated how Pearl neglected her own safety and life. They were here to live and be free, not for Pearl to get shattered doing something unnecessary. It goes without saying, of course, that Pearl was extremely devoted to Rose. But we never seem to remember that it was the other way around as well. Pearl worshiped Rose, and Rose looked at Pearl like she put the stars in the sky. I do know for a fact, because Rose told me, that one of her favorite things was seeing what Pearl _did_ with her freedom. You’d think, after a lifetime of being enslaved, that she would take joy in ordering people around, forcing them into the same position she had once been in. But Pearl always respected the other gems. If they gave her a hard time she put them in their place, but she never tried to make a gem feel lesser. She looked at everyone as equals, even when they looked at her as inferior. Your mother admired that.

“They were always together, which makes sense knowing what we know now. Sometimes it was like they were wrapped up in their own secret world, and they were the only ones who existed. Rose hated to see anyone get hurt, but Pearl getting hurt, whether it was saving Rose or not, always hit her harder than anyone else.” Garnet tapped away her visor, sighing. “They were separated once during a fight. Pearl and I were together, and I saw Pearl get poofed. For once she wasn’t doing anything stupid — it was just another battle. I got her gem out of the way and kept her safe until after the fight. When we regrouped at camp, Rose was looking everywhere for Pearl. She thought because she hadn’t see Pearl go down, maybe she had survived the battle. Pearl wasn’t hurt, aside from being poofed, but the way Rose looked at her… you’d think she had been shattered.”

Steven frowned, looking back at the bed. Pearl hadn’t moved again. “So… she did love Pearl.”

“I think she did, yes.” Garnet nodded. “I think she loved Pearl until the day she died.”

“So you think she _didn’t_ love Dad?”

“It’s possible to be in love with more than one person, Steven. The problem was that your mother could be… naive sometimes. She knew Pearl and Greg didn’t always get along, but I don’t she realized how deep the resentment went between both of them. I tried to talk to her about it, but…” Garnet shook her head. “It didn’t matter at that point. She told us three days later she was pregnant.”

Steven looked at the coffee table, frowning. “Pearl said sometimes she could be selfish.”  
Garnet gave a small, short laugh. “Pearl said that? Never thought I’d see the day she insulted Rose. She’s not wrong, though. Rose was impulsive and yes, sometimes selfish. That doesn’t make her bad, though. It makes her just like the rest of us. And as… difficult as its been to process everything… I know she never did something that would intentionally hurt any of us.”

Steven nodded, yawning. “If she cared about you half as much as I do, that’s still a lot,” he informed Garnet, smiling. She patted his curly head.

“We love you too, Steven. Now, get some sleep. And no more peeking at Pearl’s dreams. She’ll wake up when she’s ready.”

“Right.” Steven crawled back under his covers, curling up with MC Bear Bear. “Night, Garnet.”

“Good night, Steven.”

* * *

 

“How do Pearls _work_ , anyways?”

This got him four very odd looks, from two Diamonds and two Pearls. Pearl was still out, and Steven was doing his best to distract himself from the gnawing concern.

Besides, he was curious. Pearls seemed so _different_ from every other gem he’d met.

“I don’t think we quite under the question,” Blue Diamond responded gently. Steven kicked his legs back and forth, tilting his head.

“Like… I’ve been into Pearl’s gem. Twice. And the surface was like, everything she stored in her gem — you know, like her swords, her spears, um… whatever else she’s put in there. There was a lot and it was all alphabetized. And there was a little helper Pearl in there organizing it all.”

“That was her conscious mind,” Yellow Pearl spoke up. “Pearls have a subspace within their minds, as you’ve seen. It’s meant to be storage for anything our owners need us to hold, but the conscious mind also acts as a guard of sorts. It’s meant to stop you from going any further into our memories.”

“And the projections and stuff? During the trial you were taking notes and drawing. Can every gem do something like that?”

“That’s unique to Pearls,” Blue Pearl said. “It’s another useful function for our owners. We take notes for them, so they can ask us for it later. We don’t all have perfect recall the way Pink does, that was something unique to her. But we all have a basic set of functions.”

She made it sound like they were… laptops or something. Steven frowned. “I don’t get it,” he said finally, looking up at the Diamonds. “Pearls can do all these awesome things. They’re so cool, but you just use them as servants? They could be doing so much more. Look at Pearl, she fought in a war!”

“White Diamond’s Pearl is exactly why Pearls serve the function they do,” Yellow Diamond said bitterly. “She proved why Pearls could never be weaponized.”

“There has to be some middle ground between assassins and slaves,” Steven said with a huff. Why did Homeworld have to be so black and white about everything?

“All gems are designed with a purpose,” Blue explained. “If they’re not fighting, they have to be doing something else. Pearls can’t build, they’re not smart enough to be technicians—”

“You’re wrong,” Steven cut in. “Pearl taught herself a bunch of things.”

“Your Pearl isn’t a good example of the norm. You forget, she was originally designed for a completely different purpose. She has perfect recall because it would have been a disaster for her to get her orders wrong and shatter the wrong gem. And… White liked to watch the memories sometimes.” Blue shook her head. “She took joy in reliving the pain over and over. But your Pearl was designed to learn and to adapt to new situations. The Pearls that followed her were molded a bit differently.”

Steven’s shoulders slumped. “That doesn’t mean they’re not just as smart and capable. But you guys aren’t going to change your minds, are you?”

“There’s a lot about Homeworld you don’t understand—”

“I understand why Mom wanted to leave it.” The words slipped out by accident, but Steven wasn’t at all sorry he had said them, either. “Not everyone has to fit perfectly into a mold. That’s not living, it’s just… existing. Look at the crystal gems. They’re all _happier_ on Earth because they can be who they _want_ to be, not what they’re told to be.”

“Happiness isn’t our concern,” Yellow Diamond said. “Efficiency is.”

“Peridot said once that resources on Homeworld are dwindling.” Both Diamonds went blank-faced at that. “That doesn’t sound very efficient.”

“You’re a bit too smart sometimes,” Blue Diamond said with a small smile. Steven took that as a compliment. “I’m not sure how freeing Pearls would help anything, though.”

“I mean, maybe it wouldn’t.” Steven shrugged. “I have no idea how to sustain a planet. But if something isn’t working, then you change it, right? You try something new, or come at the problem from a different angle. Doing the same thing over and over isn’t going to solve anything.”

Yellow raised an eyebrow, leaning back to talk to Blue. “Are we sure he’s related to Pink? He seems too bright.”

“Must be the human part.”

Steven bit down a laugh. “Mom was really smart. Just… not in a way you guys would’ve thought.”

“She did fool us into thinking she was dead.” Blue Diamond sighed. Steven looked down at Blue and Yellow Pearls, who were staring up at him and utter and visible disbelief. He grinned and waved. If this was all he could do to help them, then he was going to do it the best he could.

 


	15. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven pays one last visit to Pearl's mind.

Steven was confused when he opened his eyes. He felt like he was standing in a mix of Pearl’s room and the water tower Lapis had once built to try and get to Homeworld. The ground beneath him was smooth as glass, and he could see his own reflection, but when he knelt down and poked his finger went right through, causing a ripple. There were water pillars all around them, like the ones in Pearl’s room, and when he looked forward he saw the glassy water stretching along, then sloping down into what appeared to be a water fall. The sky (ceiling?) above him was black and dotted in stars. It was… beautiful.

But where was it?

“Steven?”

He looked up to see Pearl sitting on a pillar right next to him, staring down in surprise.

“ _Pearl_!” He grinned, hopping up to sit with her. “I guess I fell asleep. And _you’re_ still asleep. You’ve been out for like, almost two days. I had to stop Amethyst from drawing on you.”

“She wanted to do what now?” Pearl demanded, scowling. Steven hugged her.

“Never mind, it doesn’t matter. How are you? You _look_ a lot better.” Her body still looked a bit battered, but she was healing.

“I…” Pearl sighed, looking down at herself. “I guess I’ve been hiding a bit. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out what this place is.”

“Is this what appeared after the white room stopped shaking?”

Pearl nodded. “You woke up, I assume, and White and I were just here. I thought it was my room at first, but the ceiling is different and there’s no way to Amethyst’s room, or anywhere else. It’s just what we see, stretching on forever. But it makes no _sense_. What happened to my conscious mind? All the items I had stored?”

“I’m sure it’s still there,” Steven said. “Maybe this is like… a level between that and your memories. Somewhere for you and White to come when you need to escape.” He paused, frowning. “Where _is_ White, anyways?”

Pearl lifted her head, looking off into the distance. Steven followed her gaze and saw White not far away, sitting at the edge of the waterfall. “I keep thinking I should talk to her,” Pearl said slowly, “but I have no idea what to say. ‘Hi I’m sorry your Diamond tried to erase you and replace you with me’?”

“Maybe not the best way to start,” Steven said. He wondered if this was why she wasn’t waking up — because she needed to solve everything with White before she could come back. “I’ll help you,” he declared, jumping and hopping to the next closest pillar.

“Steven, wait—”

That was futile, of course. Steven at least remembered before he hopped down and loudly announced himself that White she _was_ a trained assassin, and stopped on the last pillar to yell, “Hey White!” before jumping to standing beside her.

“Yes, Steven?” White said without looking up from the water. Pearl hurriedly joined Steven, ready to pull him away. He sat down right beside White.

“How are you?”

“Please don’t insult me by pretending to care.”

“I’m not pretending,” Steven said, frowning. “I wouldn’t do that.”

She didn’t answer. Steven sighed inwardly. “Okay, so you don’t like to talk a lot. I should’ve guessed. Lapis doesn’t like talking all the time either. Sometimes we just hang out in silence or watch Camp Pining Hearts. I _really_ need to find a new show for her. Oh, I wonder if she’d like Crying Breakfast Friends?”

“Steven,” Pearl said quietly. “Come on. Please.”

“No,” Steven said firmly. “You guys need to talk about this. You’re both in this gem, and either you’re going to share it or you’re going to kill each other.”

“I have no qualms about that last one,” White said.

“Well I do,” Steven said. “You guys are on the same side. You were both hurt and manipulated by the Diamonds. You shouldn’t be enemies.”

“That doesn’t mean we should be _friends_ , either,” White pointed out.

“No. But you could be roommates.” Steven looked around. “Sort of.”

White bit down a snort. “I don’t think this is going to work like it did with Peridot and Lapis and the barn. Only one of us can be in control.”

“You’re being too black and white about it,” Pearl spoke up. White raised an eyebrow, and Pearl grimaced. “Right. Probably not the best phrasing. I just meant it doesn’t have to be like that. We can… both share and experience things.”

“I think I’ll leave _experiencing_ a few things to you.”

Pearl sat beside her, letting her feet dangle over the edge. “I get it. Earth isn’t your first choice of where to be stranded. Trust me, it was never mine, either.”

“You didn’t care where you were, as long as Rose was there.” White tapped her temple. “I’ve been living your life this whole time, remember?”

“And _clearly_ not paying attention, or you would have noticed how much I disliked Earth when I realized we were stuck here. Sure, it’s pretty, and it has life on it that’s worth protecting, but everything is so primitive and backwards, and it was _worse_ five-thousand years ago. Rose wanted to live with humans. I would have been just as happy barricading myself in my room.” White didn’t say anything. Apparently she _hadn’t_ known about any of that. “But there are things on this planet — things _besides_ Rose Quartz — that made living here bearable, and even enjoyable. You’ve _watched_ my life. You haven’t lived it.”

“And what in name of Homeworld makes you think I would enjoy _any_ of the things you enjoy?”

“I don’t think you would,” Pearl replied. “In fact I’m positive you would despise any of my hobbies that don’t involve weapons. You can go out and do your own thing as well, though. There would have to be a few rules, of course, like no trying to _kill_ anyone, and you’d have to come home eventually, but if we’re both willing to cooperate… there’s no reason we can’t both live.”

White gave her a sideways stare. “I suppose I could at least take a couple battles off your hands once in a while,” she said slowly. “Watching you fight is _painful_ sometimes. Why do you have twirl your spear and spin around? It’s unnecessary.”

Pearl blushed, and Steven bit down a laugh. This could absolutely work, if they both wanted to try. “If you think you can do better—”

“I _know_ I can do better,” White interrupted.

“You guys are like sisters,” Steven said happily. “Oh my gosh, you’re _twins_!” He was rewarded for his comment with a flat stare from both of them. “Oh, would you change your look every time you switched?”

“That would be troublesome,” White said. “As painful as it is to parade about like… _that_.” She waved a hand at Pearl.

“There is _nothing_ wrong with this form, thank you very much.”

“I think I enjoyed the leather jacket and the pants more.”

“That _was_ a pretty cool outfit,” Steven piped up. “That whole night was awesome.”

“What I wear is fine,” Pearl insisted.

“It’ll do until I get a chance to influence reforming,” White corrected. Pearl looked like she already regretted this.

“Listen to you guys bickering!” Steven threw his hands up. “You’re already family!”

He ran forward, wrapping his arms tight around White’s neck. She immediately went stiff, and Steven saw the horrified look on Pearl’s face. White didn’t attempt to stab him, though, so that was something. He pulled away, laughing when he saw her expression. “Yellow looked at me just like that when I hugged her earlier.”

“You _hugged_ Yellow?” Pearl asked. “Oh, I would have paid to see that.”

“How long _are_ those two and their precious Diamonds going to be around?” White asked, sounding less than enthused at the idea of seeing them again.

“Until Peridot and I get their ships fixed so they can leave. Trust me, we don’t want any of them around for longer than absolutely necessary.”

“Well, I’ll certainly leave the repair work to you.” White stood and stretched before drawing a sword from her gem. “It’s been so long since I had a chance to move around, I suppose I should take advantage of this free time.”

“Whaaaaaat are you going to do with the sword?” Steven asked curiously.

“Practice. The Crystal Gems beat me. I’m clearly out of shape.”

Pearl sighed, watching White walk away. “I think this is going to be okay,” Steven told Pearl excitedly.

“It’s certainly going to be something,” she murmured, but she mustered up a smile for Steven. “I guess I should wake up and face the others, huh?”

“They’re all really happy you’re okay,” Steven assured. “They miiiiiiiiight have a few questions about White still living in your head, but it’s not the worst thing ever.”

“Well, we kept Peridot. Doesn’t get much worse than that.”

Steven was laughing as he opened his eyes, drawing strange looks from the other gems. He’d fallen asleep on the couch. “Oh, sorry.” He sat up, still grinning. “I was just…”

The sound of Pearl stirring drew his attention, and he immediately hopped up to the loft, landing on the bed and tackling Pearl as she sat up. “Hey!” She laughed a bit, catching him with one arm while her other hand took the cloth off her forehead. “Didn’t we just see each other?”

“Yeah, but that was all in your head.” Steven pulled back to grin at her. “And it feels like it’s been _days_ since I saw you while I was awake. We need to hug in the real world, too.”

“Right, of course.”

“ _Yo_!” They both yelped as Amethyst came crashing down on them, hugging them tight.

“ _Amethyst_ ,” Pearl groaned, patting the purple gem’s back and smiling despite herself. Garnet was a bit more restrained as she came up the stairs, but she still scooped the entire group into a hug.

Their family was back together. Steven grinned, pulling away to look at the gems. Pearl still looked exhausted, but that was nothing a little extra rest couldn’t fix. Amethyst was beaming, not even trying to restrain her joy at having Pearl back, and Garnet was grinning, her hand on Pearl’s shoulder.

“Hey, so,” Peridot called from the living room. “Is someone maybe going to explain what’s going on? I mean, you’re still _you_ , right Pearl?”

“With an addition, yes.” Pearl sighed as she climbed out of bed, and the group made its way downstairs. Everyone was there — Lapis had dragged Peridot inside a few hours earlier to take a break from her repair work, and Bismuth was sitting over by the warp pad. “I’m… sorry about all of this—”

“Not your fault White Diamond was terrible,” Bismuth said, gently cutting her off. “What do you mean with an addition, though?”

“White Pearl and I have… come to an agreement. Of sorts. Fighting for control wasn’t working for either of us, and it was beginning to destroy our gem. So we’re… taking a new approach to things.”

“You’re letting her stay,” Lapis said.

“Technically she’s letting me stay,” Pearl muttered. “I’m the fake, remember?”

“Stop it,” Bismuth said. “You are _not_ fake. Are you sure about this, though? Sharing a head with her?”

“I think it might be the only choice, honestly,” Pearl admitted. “Both of us live or neither of us live. And… she can hear you, so be careful with what you say.”

“She can hear us?” Amethyst repeated. “Cool. Hey White, you kind of suck.”

“And yet,” the smooth voice replied without missing a beat, “I could shatter you without breaking a sweat, so I would watch yourself if you have any desire to continue existing.”

“Whoa,” Amethyst said, blinking rapidly. Pearl’s expression shifted to annoyance, then pain, and Garnet grabbed her as she stumbled, legs momentarily going weak.

“Can we maybe _not_ antagonize her?” she asked irritably. “Switching like that isn’t exactly painless.”

“Sorry,” Amethyst said, and to her credit she _did_ sound truly sorry. She rested a hand on Pearl’s arm, helping Garnet steady her until she was able to hold herself up.

“Pearl?” Steven asked, frowning.

“I’m okay. Really. Just got a bit lightheaded. It’s been a rough…” She frowned, looking around. “How long _has_ it been?”

“About a month,” Garnet said. “Give or take a few days.”

Pearl blinked, looking stunned, and rested her hand against the side of her head. “A _month_ ,” she repeated faintly. “How in the world is the house still standing?”

“Hey, give us _some_ credit,” Amethyst protested. “We can take care of ourselves.”

Pearl still looked stunned. Steven had a feeling it didn’t have much to do with the state of the house. Even if a month was like a day to a gem, that was still lost time.

“Are we _really_ sure White Pearl isn’t going to just kill us anyways?” Peridot asked. “You know, for fun?”

“I—” Pearl paused, then huffed. “Fine.” Steven didn’t see any noticeable difference, but then White was talking again.

“My reputation precedes me, of course. I suppose Yellow and Blue enjoyed being able to tell that story after so long. They don’t have all the details, though.” She paused, looking around and passively taking in her audience. “White Diamond didn’t imprison me because I was out of control, she imprisoned me because I had grown beyond her powers. Ask the other Diamonds, they could weave tales for hours about how paranoid she was of gems attempting to usurp her. The reason she created me became the reason she hid me away — she was afraid I would turn on her and try to overthrow her. I had no interest in any such thing, but once the idea was in her head, it consumed her. I have no idea what she told any other Pearl about me — I was being brainwashed and re-programmed when she was spinning her damage control — but I’m sure it wasn’t the truth.”

“You want to hurt her now, though,” Lapis pointed out. “You said you wanted revenge.”

“Of course I do. Wouldn’t you want revenge on the gem who imprisoned you for—” White cut herself off abruptly, thinking. “Hm. I suppose if I have to live with you all I should make an attempt to be civil and not bring up sensitive subjects.”

“Might be a good idea, yeah,” Lapis said through gritted teeth.

“You’re all so touchy.” White rolled her eyes. It was weird — exasperation wasn’t out of place on Pearl’s face, but it looked so _different_. Steven couldn’t put his finger on why, but it was obvious she wasn’t Pearl. “Back to my original point, however. Despite whatever rumors White Diamond spread amongst the other pearls, I’ve never been an out of control killing machine, as long as you aren’t in my way.”

“What about when you attacked Steven and Connie?” Bismuth spoke up. White grimaced. She almost looked embarrassed.

“That was… a fluke. It was my first time attempting to take control of the body, and Pearl was trying to resist on a subconscious level; neither of us were _quite_ in control. So my… _our_ body reacted instinctively to what it thought was danger, and pulled out a weapon for protection. The children being there had nothing to do with it. I wasn’t aware of their presence until Pearl was back in control.”

“So you’re _not_ a murderous a sociopath,” Peridot said slowly.

“No, I am.” She responded so easily, as if Peridot had asked about the weather. “There’s just more rhyme and reason to my methods than anyone gives me credit for.”

“I don’t know about this.” Amethyst looked at Garnet, who had been silent up to this point. “What do you think?”

Garnet frowned, tapping her visor away and meeting White’s gaze with all three of her own eyes. White stood stoically, hands clasped behind her back, at attention. Like a soldier, Steven realized.

“I think if we try to keep fighting, we’re going to end up hurting Pearl,” Garnet finally said, sitting back on the couch and bringing her visor back. “As long as White behaves, and Pearl agrees, then it’s not really our choice. They’re the ones who have to live with each other, and it’s their gem. We don’t have to like it, but if we don’t want to hurt Pearl, then this is what it is.”

“The voice of reason speaks,” White said.

“However — and I think Pearl would agree with me on this — we _are_ allowed to hit her if she gets too annoying.”

“Oh yes, Pearl agrees.” White rolled her eyes. “Loudly. I’d argue however that I’m much less annoying than Peridot, and you’ve kept her for this long. I’ve also tried to kill you considerably less.”

“I think you can let Pearl come back now,” Garnet said while Peridot scoffed in indignation.

“Happily. As long as you’re all aware I won’t be murdering you in your sleep — there’s no fun in that.”

There was a slight twitch, then a groan as Pearl shook her head, pressing a hand to her temple. Steven reached out to help her, but she managed to hold herself up.

“That’s going to take some getting used to,” she muttered, letting herself be led to the couch. Steven didn’t like how shaky she looked. Seeing any of the gems in this condition was scary. They were always so strong and resilient. For something to hurt them like this…

“I hate her,” Peridot said immediately.

“Not the biggest fan myself,” Bismuth said.

“I know,” Pearl said quietly. “But for the moment, we’re at an impasse. If… If it’s too much of a problem, I can go—”

“No way!” Steven spoke up, grabbing Pearl’s hand. “We just got you back, and this is your home. We all just need some time to adjust.”

“She’s not the most annoying thing we’ve ever dealt with,” Garnet added. “We’ll be fine as long as you are.”

“And she _does_ kind of have a point about Peridot,” Amethyst added.

“ _Hey_!”

 


	16. Answers?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Normal is overrated anyways

“Come oooooon. You can’t just sit in the house drinking hot leaves forever.”

“It’s _tea_ , Peridot,” Pearl said, slim fingers wrapped around her steaming mug.

“It _tastes_ like leaves. Don’t ask me how I know that!” Peridot cut in before Pearl could do exactly that. “I can’t take care of both ships by myself; the Diamonds will be here forever if I keep working alone. I need help.”

“ _You’re_ admitting that you need help?” Pearl asked in disbelief. “What _happened_ while I was in the bubble?”

“Oh, shut up!” Peridot huffed. “Are you going to help today or what?”

Pearl sighed, casting a look at the door. It had been three days since she’d woken up, and she’d spent every single minute of them held up in the house or in her room. She wasn’t sure the thought of going outside scared her, but every time she even considered it, panic gripped her chest, and she retreated further into the temple.

 _I can always get you outside, if you really want_.

Pearl made a face, rolling her eyes toward the ceiling. “White talking again?” Peridot guessed. It was amazing how fast they had all adjusted to the idea of White being in Pearl’s head. They didn’t even bat an eye when Pearl randomly made comments out loud, or her tone suddenly dropped an octave and turned deeply sarcastic.

“ _Offering_ to help me get outside. Which I don’t need help with, because I’m fine.”

 _Liar_.

“Ahuh,” Peridot said, unconvinced. “You don’t even have to talk to anyone, okay? Just… come help me with the ships so we can get the Diamonds out of here. Please.”

The _please_ caught Pearl by surprise. “All right, all right,” she said, finishing her tea and going to put the mug in the sink. “I’m coming.”

Peridot looked pleased as they started outside. Of course, the Diamonds were out there with their Pearls, and that alone made Pearl want to run back to her room. She didn’t want to deal with them. But Peridot was waiting, and Pearl knew there would be a lot of groaning if she backed out now. She gave in, following Peridot outside. The squeaking door drew attention, and Pearl cursed herself for never oiling that thing.

“So which one are you, then?” Yellow Diamond, the distaste clear in her tone. Pearl gritted her teeth, White bristling in the back of her head.

“I’m the one who’s helping fix the ships you crashed into our _house_ ,” she informed the Diamond.

“I think White’s having a bad influence on you,” Peridot said, matter-of-fact, as she nudged Pearl toward the stairs.

“Wait,” Blue Diamond said softly. “We’d like to talk to White Pearl, if we can.”

“What?” Pearl stopped, and Peridot ran into her; she barely noticed.

_Excuse me?_

“It’s not a request,” Yellow informed Pearl stiffly. Pearl’s fingers twitched. It wasn’t her movement.

 _We are_ not _going to try and shatter a Diamond._

 _I don’t see why not. White considered it at one point, you know_.

“You’re not my Diamond, and you have no right to order me around,” Pearl replied, doing her best to sound tougher than she felt. All of this had really thrown her off. She felt like she was still trying to find solid ground again.

“We are not trying to pick a fight,” Blue said — it seemed more like a reminder directed at Yellow. “But there are things we’re trying to understand. We’re hoping you can help.”

 _Oh, they want my_ help _. That’s delightful_.

“Can’t guarantee you’re going to like what you get,” Pearl muttered, sighing. She looked back at Peridot. “I’ll be there in a bit. Go ahead and get to work without me.”

“Yeah… sure.” Peridot looked almost relieved to be running away from the situation. Pearl didn’t blame her. She wished _she_ could run away as well.

Giving control over to White was hard when every part of Pearl’s own mind screamed not to concede. It was, she figured, most likely what caused the piercing headaches that came with every switch — she was fighting natural instinct.

It didn’t take nearly as much work for White to take over. “All right, you’ve got me.” She sounded almost amused as she jumped nimbly up to the roof, standing up straight and folding her hands behind her back. “What can a little old Pearl do to help the great Diamond Authority?”

“We have questions about White Diamond.” That caught White off guard — the surprise rippled through every corner of her mind, washing over Pearl.

“I haven’t seen her in eight-thousand years.” White’s voice was hard now. “Believe me, I’d love to be out there tracking her down right now, but as I’m currently stuck in this body and sharing it, I’m in no position to do so. And no, I won’t tell you where to look.”

_Why not? Saves you the trouble._

_Because when I find her — and we_ will _be going to find her eventually — I want it to be on my terms, and just the two of us._

“We’ve no interest in tracking down White at the moment,” Blue said. “I think it would benefit all of us if she simply stayed in hiding for the time being.”

“Then I can’t imagine what you could possibly want from me.”

“You were her most trusted ally.”

“White Diamond didn’t trust anyone. I don’t think she even trusted herself.”

“Regardless, you’ve been around nearly as long as she has, and you spent a lot of that time serving her.” Blue was being _surprisingly_ patient, White noted. Perhaps Pink Diamond’s death had changed her. Perhaps Steven really was having an influence. “You’re aware, I assume, that we’ve been investigating the corrupting light.”

“The one that you and Yellow Diamond helped create? Yes, I was there when it happened.”

“It wasn’t meant to cause corruption,” Blue said. “We were under the impression we would be shattering every gem.”

“Yes, of course, that’s much better.”

“We don’t need morality lessons from an assassin,” Yellow Diamond hissed.

 _Please stop it. I like this form_.

 _Like she could beat me_. “You didn’t know what White Diamond intended, then,” White surmised. “That’s no surprise, she never advertised her plans, even to the gems closest to her.”

“So we’ve learned,” Blue said. “Do you perhaps know of anything she might have been working on before she imprisoned you? Anything that might have led to something like this?”

White frowned, actually taking the question into serious consideration. “She was obsessed with perfection. Anything that was slightly off was immediately destroyed.” White reached a hand to her forehead, tracing her gem. “I think I was one of her regrets. She didn’t know, before me, that there was a perfect Pearl. I suppose had she waited, one of yours would have ended up with her instead.” Her eyes flicked down to see both Pearls in question flinch. “But then Pink Diamond came along, and you’d think the world was ending. She flew into an absolute rage, yelling about how her perfect, orderly world was being destroyed by that _hideous_ off-color. How dare she think herself worthy of the being part of the Diamond Authority. She wanted so badly to have her shattered — and I’ll admit, the idea of her putting a Diamond in the room with me…”

A pause, and White smiled, almost fondly. “She knew you would never let her, though. Either of you. You were both too soft; you took to Pink immediately. Instead, she refocused her efforts on _curing_ off-colored gems. She thought she could _fix_ Pink, make her a _proper_ Diamond. Has anyone been in her court since she left Homeworld?”

“Of course not,” Blue said. “It would hardly be appropriate.”

“Best for your peace of mind that you never see it, then. When I was there last, the cells below the palace were filled with… monstrosities.” She took a breath, closed her eyes, and raised her head. It had been a _long_ time since she had tried to project anything, and the image flickered and fuzzed for a moment while pain ran through her head.

 _Take it easy_ , Pearl complained. _I’m already going to have a headache when you’re…_ She drifted off when she saw what White was showing the Diamonds. _Oh my stars_.

“What,” Blue breathed, sounding horrified. Even Yellow looked shocked. The _thing_ White was projecting could hardly be called a gem — it could hardly be called _anything_. It was a writhing mass of flesh, with too many arms and too many eyes and what looked like insect legs that were too thin to actually hold it up.

“She began experimenting with off colors,” White continued, letting the image flicker away. “She thought there was a way to _fix_ them. She broke their gems, then pieced them back together, trying to make something new. It wasn’t entirely too different from the Cluster, although she started out with only one gem. And when that yielded no results, she would shatter two of the same gem — such as two rubies — and try to make them one, thinking the two gems would overwrite the defect. Instead she created monsters. Thousands of them in the two thousand years between Pink coming out of the ground and her trying to erase me.”

Blue pressed a hand to her mouth, tears filling her eyes. She had seen horrible things — had _done_ horrible things — but that was beyond her imagining. “I assume you’re arriving at a point,” Yellow asked harshly, although White could tell she had shaken her as well.

“I am, although from this point on is pure speculation and an educated guess based on what I know of her. White Diamond essentially created the first corrupted gems with her experiments, and all she did was try to heal them, just has she had healed my own gem so many times after a particularly rough execution. She made them worse, though. As the war dragged on and continued to become more desperate, it wouldn’t surprise me if White Diamond looked at her experiments, realized what she had done, and began looking for a way to weaponize that power and put an end to the troubles on Earth. She could turn an entire rebellion into a horde of monsters, and let _them_ destroy Earth instead of continuing to sacrifice Homeworld gems for a meaningless fight. It sounds exactly like something she would do. All she needed was a reason for both of you to be angry enough to help her without questioning it. And you gave her that when Pink Diamond was shattered.”

A terrible, heavy silence followed White’s last sentence. Blue still looked horrified. Yellow looked disgusted. “And you say these _things_ are still in her court?”

“Well, I haven’t been home in thousands of years, but as you’ve clearly never seen them before, it’s safe to say she didn’t release them on Homeworld. And she certainly didn’t bring them to whichever hide-y hole she’s currently in. I can only assume they’re right where they were eight-thousand years ago.” White shrugged. “As I said, these are guesses. Maybe there was something else she started after I was gone. I’m certain she was behind the corruption, though. I always have been. You two are tyrants, but you’re not sadists.”

She remember Blue and Yellow attending a few executions in her early days, and both of them being disgusted at the way she toyed with a gem before shattering them.

“ _You enjoy this?”_

“ _Oh yes, watching her work is one of my greatest joys_.”

“White Diamond, though… she would have wanted the Earth to suffer just for marring her image of perfection.” Blue and Yellow exchanged glances. “If there’s nothing else, I’m sure Peridot is getting impatient, and listening to her rant isn’t fun.”

“Right, yes,” Blue said quietly, still looking at Yellow. “This has been helpful.”

It was a good thing gems didn’t sleep. Or that image would probably haunt the Diamonds’ nightmares for a long time. “Always glad to be of a service to the Great Diamond Authority,” White said dryly, backing up and jumping off the house, landing next to Blue’s ship. Being out for any period of time was still tiring for her — it had been _so_ long — and she retreated easily. Pearl immediately hunched over as nausea welled in her, one hand pressed against the ship to steady herself as she coughed and heaved uselessly.

 _I never said sharing a head with me would be pleasant_ , White murmured before fading off to rest. Pearl shuddered, closing her eyes. Bad move. More memories of those _things_ sprang forward, like White had opened a faucet when she showed that one memory.

“Pearl?”

Her looked up to see Peridot peaking out of the ship, frowning. “What’s wrong? Did the Diamonds do something? Did White do something?”

Pearl shook her head, trying to calm the shuddering as she went to join Peridot. Her hands were shaking; she doubted she’d be able to hold a tool. “No,” she murmured weakly. “Not them. Not really. Yellow and Blue asked White if she knew anything about the corruption, or anything White Diamond might have done to cause it, and she…”

“She what?” Peridot demanded as Pearl pressed a hand to her mouth, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down. She almost wished White had stayed.

“White Diamond was… doing experiments on off color gems. Trying to _fix_ them. She said White Diamond would break Gems apart, then heal them back together, and when they came back wrong, she’d start the process over again. I try not to look at White’s memories. I don’t want to know what she did, but she showed the Diamonds the result of one of those… _experiments_. It was awful. A thousand times worse than the Cluster could ever be. It wasn’t a gem. It wasn’t even a monster, it was _worse_ than that.” Pearl shivered. “She did this to thousands of gems and they’re all… they’re all still there, trapped in her palace. They’ve been stuck there, stuck in those forms, for eight-thousand years.”

“What… What did it…”

“No.” Pearl shook her head furiously. “I’m not showing you. I don’t need to see it again.” And Peridot didn’t need those nightmares. The green gem frowned for a moment. Then, in a surprising move, she shuffled forward to hug Pearl’s trembling body.

“I’m not very good at this feelings stuff,” she admitted, holding Pearl tight. “But Steven said if I don’t know what to say, then a hug works just as well.”

Pearl let out a small, weak laugh, returning the hug. “This works just fine,” she assured Peridot. “Thank you.”

Peridot pulled back after a moment, looking entirely nervous, like she was afraid she had done something wrong. “We don’t really need to work on this today,” she said finally, waving her hand around them. “Let’s go inside. We can make some more of your… hot leaves.”

It was hard to bite down another laugh. Peridot trying to be thoughtful and understanding was possibly one of the funniest things Pearl had ever seen. But it was also incredibly sweet, and she appreciated it more than she could say.

“I bet I could find some hot leaves that you like,” she pointed out, smiling. Peridot scoffed.

“I doubt that. But… I suppose I’d be willing to let you try.”

* * *

Connie was equal parts nervous and excited as she bounced up the steps to the house. She hadn’t seen Pearl since that last fight on the beach — Steven had explained the situation to her, and it all sounded a little weird, but no worse than anything else Connie had seen since she and Steven had become friends.

“Hello?” She called, letting herself into the house. Steven was up in the loft with Amethyst, playing a video game. He looked down when he saw his best friend, grinning.

“Hey Connie! What’s up?”

“Is Pearl around?” It was hard not to hunch up her shoulders and revert back to her usual shyness. She wasn’t that kid anymore.

“She and Garnet went to the sky arena,” Amethyst said without looking away from the screen. “Well, _one_ of her anyways. I can’t tell the difference until she starts talking.”

“It was Pearl when she left,” Steven said. “White stands up really stiff and straight, like she’s always at attention. Pearl’s more relaxed.”

“There’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear,” Amethyst scoffed.

“Sounds like you’re getting used to all this,” Connie commented, climbing the stairs and flopping down on Steven’s bed.

“They’re pretty easy to tell apart, once you start noticing things,” Steven said. “White narrows her eyes more, and she doesn’t really have an expression. Even when Pearl’s trying to look neutral, you can always see _something_ in her eyes.”

“Dude, you pay way too much attention,” Amethyst commented.

“Well, yeah, I don’t want to accidentally call White the wrong name. Or Pearl.”

“So you’re really trying to make friends with her?” Connie asked uncertainly.

“She’s not that bad.” Steven had been saying that a lot. “If we give her a chance, I bet she’ll like us.”

“Not trying to kill us doesn’t count as liking us,” Amethyst pointed out.

“Do you want to meet her?” Steven asked Connie, who hesitated. She wanted to see Pearl, and part of that meant accepting White now… but she _had_ tried to kill them.

“Sure,” she finally said, squaring her shoulders and standing. She was nervous, but she wasn’t afraid.

They arrived at the sky arena, making their way up the stairs, listening to the clashing of swords. Garnet was sitting in the stands, watching as Pearl or White fought of several holograms. “Which one do you think it is?” Connie asked curiously. Steven frowned, watching the way the gem fought, her stiff form, precise slashes.

“White,” she said finally. Pearl was a serious sword fighter, of course, but she enjoyed adding a little flourish to her movements, especially during training.

“It’s White,” Garnet confirmed. The teens went to sit with her. “I’m surprised she hasn’t exhausted herself yet, she’s been going non-stop for hours.”

“Yeah, but she was technically built for fighting, wasn’t she?” Connie asked curiously. “Her endurance is probably amazing.”

“Oh, it is. I watched Pearl fight for hours after others had collapsed during the war. I never knew how she did it. But both of them are still recovering from fighting each other. White won’t let it show, but I can tell Pearl’s tired when she’s out. Pushing things is going to hurt both of them if White isn’t careful.”

“She must know that, though.”

“I’m sure she does. Pearl’s never been good at acknowledging her limits, however. I don’t doubt White is much the same.”

The last of the holograms disappeared as White slashed through them, and she straightened up, bringing her feet together, her swords at her sides. She didn’t summon any more opponents, and Steven saw she was breathing heavily.

“Wow,” Connie said. “She’s… _really_ good.”

“She might be the best soldier Homeworld’s ever produced,” Garnet said. “And no one knows it except for us and the Diamonds.”

White looked up, and they saw her gem glowing as she produced another hologram. It wasn’t another Pearl, however; it was a large, large figure, with a perfectly round head, hair spiked in three triangles — one on each side, and one on the top. There was a gem embedded in her forehead.

“Is that…?”

Garnet stood, summoning her gauntlets, clearly ready to interfere. White paid no attention to any of them — she jumped straight in without hesitation, slashing first at the hologram’s ankles before jumping, landing on the hologram’s shoulder and slashing at her neck. The hologram moved to grab her, but she dodged, jumping again and taking aim at the gem…

A giant hand grabbed her, and she was immediately whipped straight into the ground, hitting so hard she left a crater. “White!” Steven yelped, hurrying forward. Garnet jumped ahead, stopping the hologram’s foot before it could stomp on White. Steven and Connie knelt down on either side of the gem, who was trying to push herself out of the crater.

“Ow…” That was definitely Pearl’s voice. She touched her gem, wincing, and the hologram disappeared. “That was stupid.”

“Are you okay?” Connie asked anxiously. Pearl nodded, managing to push herself up.

“A bit bruised, but I’ll live.” She rubbed the back of her head.

“Was… Was that…”

“White Diamond.” The bitter, low tone took over, and White scowled. “I guess I should have known better.”

“You could’ve hurt yourself,” Garnet said, unamused. “What part of ‘you need time to recover’ do you not understand?”

“I’m not _Pearl_ , okay?” White practically hissed, pushing herself up. “I’m fine.”

“Come on, it’s not worth fighting over,” Steven said quickly. “Let’s go back.”

White scowled, looking away, and her expression turned to a grimace a moment later. “ _She_ might not be hurting, but I am,” Pearl mumbled, rubbing her arm.

They started slowly out of the arena. Steven couldn’t help but noticed how tired Pearl still looked. It must have been hard, fighting her own mind like that and very nearly losing. He frowned, trying to think. There must have been something he could do…

Oh! His eyes lit up. He had the perfect idea.

 


	17. The Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone needs some down time

It had been several hours since Steven had thrown the other gems out of the house, insisting he needed privacy for a special project he and Connie were working on. Connie had looked as bewildered as everyone else, so they assumed this was news to her as well.

They indulged him, however, going outside and making themselves scarce. Peridot and Pearl went to work on the ships, Lapis found a shady spot to sit down and read, Bismuth and Amethyst were practice-fighting, and Garnet was sitting up on the roof. Presumably she already knew what Steven was up to and was indulging him.

“Is he _ever_ going to let us back in?” Peridot asked, looking up at the house. All the shades had been drawn, so they couldn’t see through the windows. There was even a blanket hung up over the door.

“Eventually, I’m sure,” Pearl said, hooking a few wires together and closing the panel. “We’re behind anyways, this is a good chance to catch up.” She pressed a few buttons on one of the computers, and was delighted when the screen came to life. “One down.”

“And a couple dozen to go,” Peridot said, looking around the ship’s deck. “On Blue’s ship alone. Maybe we can find a way to fix the galaxy warp and send them home through that.”

“Fixing the galaxy warp leaves us open to less friendly visitors,” Pearl said. “I think we’re better off leaving it broken.”

“I didn’t realize anyone was _less friendly_ than the Diamonds.”

“Hey guys!” They heard Steven yell from the porch. “You can come in now!”

Peridot, of course, had just pulled back another panel. “That can wait,” she muttered, getting to work. Pearl silently agreed, continuing to work as well.

“Pearl, Peridot!” Steven complained a moment later. “That means you guys too!”

“You said we _could_ come in!” Peridot called back. “Not that we _had_ to!”

“Just come on!”

“Okay, okay.” Pearl straightened up, dusting herself off. “Let’s go see what he’s been doing.”

They jumped out of the ship, heading up to the house. Steven was bouncing as he led them inside. “Ta da!”

The entire living room had been turned into what could only be described as a blanket cave, with blankets hanging from the walls, draped over the furniture, and even one on the ceiling. Small twinkling white lights lined the blankets, giving the area a soft glow, and there were pillows on the ground. Lion and Cat-Steven were off in one corner, snoozing together. Amethyst had flopped down right in the middle of the floor, and was already snoring loudly. Bismuth looked bewildered. Lapis had already decided not to question whatever this was and had found a corner to continue reading in, Pumpkin in her lap. Garnet, similarly, was sitting under the lights, questioning nothing. There was even soft music playing, although Pearl couldn’t find the source.

Steven and Connie were standing off to the side of the door, grinning. “What… is this?” Peridot asked, looking around.

“It’s a relaxation fort!” Steven said happily. “We’re having a sleepover.”

“I think I understood one or two of those words,” Bismuth spoke up. Steven a laughed.

“A sleepover is when your friends come over, and you all hang out together and do fun stuff and maybe sleep. Connie’s mom and dad even said she can stay, as long as there’s adult supervision. You guys count as adults, though. I think.” Steven shrugged.

“But… gems don’t need to sleep.”

“No, but you _can_. Look, Amethyst is sleeping right now.” Amethyst snored in response. “It’s not really about the sleeping part, though, it’s mostly just, ya know, sitting down and taking it easy for a bit. Everything’s been super crazy lately, we all need a break.”

Bismuth looked between Garnet and Pearl, raising an eyebrow. “I’m guessing we just go with this?”

“We’ve found it’s easier that way.” Garnet nodded, and Steven laughed.

“It’ll be fun, I promise. We can play games!”

“Oh, not that kitchen game again,” Pearl said nervously.

“Nah, that’s only for four players.”

They started out with karaoke, which confused Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth to no end, although Peridot was still determined to be the best at it (Steven had to say, though, if it was a competition, Pearl probably won). Connie taught them a few card games, which ended up in a (mostly playful) fight over whether or not Garnet was using her future vision to cheat (she swore she would never). At some point, Ruby and Sapphire decided _they_ wanted to have a little fun, and Garnet unfused (Ruby immediately informed them she had, in fact, been using future vision to cheat at cards, and Sapphire had given her the utmost look of fake betrayal).

Steven and Connie slipped out while the gems were talking to make hot cocoa, tea, and s’mores. Everyone seemed perfectly content and comfortable, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit proud of himself for that. “This was an awesome idea,” Connie whispered to Steven, who grinned in return.

They went back into the fort with their goodies. Ruby was lying down with her head in Sapphire’s lap, both looking utterly content. Amethyst _had_ been falling asleep again, but she sat up immediately when she smelled food.Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis were off to one side, Peridot telling Bismuth all about the barn (”I really didn’t think we were going to live when I threw it into Blue Diamond’s head,” Lapis said remorsefully). Pearl, Steven was surprised to see, was leaning against Lion, nearly dozing off.

“Hot chocolate for everyone who wants it,” Steven announced, setting the tray down in the middle of fort, and picking out one mug. “And tea for Pearl.”

Pearl’s eyes snapped open, and she shook her head, giving Steven a smile. “Thanks,” she said as she took the mug.

“Amethyst, wait, they’re still—!”

Amethyst yelled, presumably as a boiling goop of marshmallow burnt her tongue. “Hot,” Connie finished uselessly as Amethyst fell back on the floor, waving her arms and legs around.

“Ooooooh, I wanna try one,” Ruby said happily, rolling over to get some of the food.

“Heat doesn’t bother her,” Sapphire assured Connie. “Although _choking_ is a possibility,” she added as she watched Ruby toss the whole s’more into her mouth. Ruby tried to answered around a mouthful of graham cracker, chocolate, and marshmallow, but it mostly came out as nonsense sounds.

“Was that future version?” Connie asked, probably already trying to think if the Heimlich maneuver would work on a gem.

“Common sense, mostly.”

Steven grabbed his own mug of hot chocolate and flopped down. “Hey Bismuth,” he said after a moment. “How’d you join the Crystal Gems? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking.”

He had always been curious about how his mother had found so many gems. Bismuth looked over, tilting her head thoughtfully. “Same way a lot of us did. Pearl charmed us.”

“Oh please.” Pearl rolled her eyes.

“You underestimate how effective you were when you started talking about how wonderful freedom is,” Bismuth teased. “I was on Earth working on the… sea spire, I think? Definitely a tower, but they all started to blend together after a while. Anyway, we were taking a break and I wandered off into some trees, and I hear this voice say, ‘You look bored out of mind.’ And I look and there’s this pearl just sitting in a tree acting like she owns the place. Of course, my first question is ‘who do you belong to’, since I didn’t think there even _were_ any pearls on Earth. The highest ranking gem was our leader, a Morganite, and I knew _she_ didn’t have one. This was in the _early_ days of the rebellion, before anyone really knew anything about the Crystal Gems, and everyone thought all that Renegade Pearl nonsense was just propaganda or something trying to scare gems into behaving.”

Pearl looked entirely too smug, and Steven thought for a moment that White had actually come out to enjoy the story. The looked passed barely a second later, however, and Pearl sipped her tea. “So Pearl says, ‘I don’t belong to anyone,’ and I’m thinking one of us must have hit our head because that’s impossible. Then she says, ‘You clearly don’t want to be working on these towers all day. What do you _really_ want to do?’ And… honestly, it took me a minute to answer that. No one had ever asked before what _I_ wanted.” Bismuth grinned. “And it was all down hill from there.”

“That’s so cool,” Steven said, looking back at Pearl. “Did you do a lot of the recruiting?”

“Accidentally, but I suppose I did,” Pearl admitted. “I was watching the construction because we were going to attack and try to stop it, then I saw how bored Bismuth was and I wondered how many other gems had been forced into jobs they didn’t want to do. The look on Rose’s face when I brought Bismuth back, though…”

“She was so stunned,” Sapphire said with a small smile. “She sent you off to spy, and you come back with another rebel.”

“She was so _proud_ ,” Ruby added, stretching her arms and legs out. “She spent like, a week babbling to Garnet about how she couldn’t believe you had gone ahead and done something like that on your own, without even asking first, and how amazing was it that you were thinking for yourself and coming up with ideas and taking initiative. Garnet didn’t really understand at the time what she was so happy about — I mean, you being there and working with her was already a pretty big ‘screw you’ to Homeworld and what they thought of Pearls, but I guess it makes a little more sense now.”

Pearl blushed, ducking her head, and small smile creeping her across her lips. “I’ve always wondered how the rebellion got so big,” Lapis said. “There were hundreds of you at one point, weren’t there?”

“It was a group effort,” Pearl said, looking up again. “We found gems who were on earth for various reasons and who didn’t seem happy, and we convinced them to come with us and listen to what Rose had to say. After a while, gems started coming to us on their own. We got this entire squad of Rubies at one point…”

“Oh stars,” Bismuth groaned, slapping her forehead. “I remember them.”

“Hey, I liked them!” Ruby protested.

“We know you did,” Sapphire said gently. “But you have to admit, they… weren’t the brightest.”

“I guess not,” Ruby admitted. “Not every Ruby can be as smart as me.”

Sapphire smiled, leaning in to kiss her wife. Steven wished he had his phone so he could take a picture. “They were stupid even by Ruby standards though,” Bismuth said. “Something must’ve been wrong with the kindergarten they came out of.”

“What was wrong with them?” Peridot asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, they thought they could fight Pearl, for one.”

“ _Everyone_ thought they could fight Pearl,” Sapphire pointed out. “We made a game out of it, remember?”

“Of course I remember, I ran the betting pool. Those Rubies took it to another level, though. The look on their faces when she broke their fusion was _hilarious_. How long did that one take, again?”

“Twenty minutes,” Pearl said. “Admittedly, I let them squirm a little.”

“Wait, but why were you guys fighting?” Steven asked, confused. “You were all on the same side.”

“More of that Homeworld attitude about Pearls being useless,” Pearl said, clearly trying not to roll her eyes. “Even a lot of the Crystal Gems scoffed at the idea of taking orders from me. Most of them challenged me to fight, wanting to prove they would be a better second-in-command.”

“And Mom let them?”

“Well, she let me decide. There was no risk of anyone getting hurt — I didn’t draw my sword until I was ready to end the fight, and they hardly ever laid a finger on me.”

“Who was that one…” Bismuth frowned, thinking hard, “oh, that Othoclase, she asked why Rose kept you around since you were probably just a burden she needed to protect.”

“Ha!” Ruby snorted, laughing. “Remember after when Rose was like, ‘By the way, if anyone is protecting anyone, it’s her protecting me’, and the Othoclase looked _so confused_.”

“That’s awesome,” Connie said, awe apparent in her voice. She always admired her teacher, of course, but she had never heard much about the war.

“They make it sound much more impressive than it is,” Pearl said, taking another a sip of tea.

“I mean, even without the theatrics, it _is_ still impressive.” Of all the gems to expect that statement from, Peridot would have been last on the list. “I looked into the rebellion when I was assigned to check on the Cluster and you all popped up. Tons of quartzes and agates and amethysts and other gem types rebelled, but you were the only Pearl. I didn’t think much of it at the time, I thought you were just following your master, but… ya know.” She waved a hand, clearly unable to find the words. Pearl’s cheeks were hot as she ducked her head. Bismuth complimenting her she was used to — the larger gem had made her life’s mission before she disappeared to make sure Pearl knew how amazing she was. _Peridot_ complimenting her? Pearl would have sooner believed Steven’s friend Onion was White Diamond.

The topic drifted off to other Crystal Gems, Bismuth more than happy to tell stories about their lost friends, with Ruby and Sapphire jumping in to add an anecdote every now and again. Pearl finished her tea, nuzzling back against Lion and closing her eyes for a moment. It had been a very long time since she had felt this settled and comfortable.

Closing her eyes must have turned into a blissfully dreamless sleep, because everyone else was passed out when Pearl opened her eyes again. Bismuth was leaning presumably on a wall, Lapis leaning against her shoulder, and Peridot had her head in Lapis’ lap. Connie and Steven were lying next to each other, their hands nearly touching. Ruby and Sapphire were, of course, snuggled up together, Sapphire resting on Ruby’s chest. And Amethyst was sprawled back in her usual position, snoring softly.

 _I’ll never understand why any of this is appealing to you_. Pearl jumped. White had been quiet all night; Pearl hadn’t realized she was even paying attention.

_It’s nice._

_It’s useless. Sitting a round, telling stories that are thousands of years old, eating… whatever those things were_.

 _I’m not a huge fan of the eating part myself_ , Pearl replied dryly. _This is what it’s like to have friends, though. This is what it’s like to just relax for a minute and not worry about what someone is going to make you do next._

_It’s a waste of time._

_You’re not just a soldier anymore. Neither of us are. We don’t have to constantly be_ doing _something. I know it’s hard, but you have to learn to just step back and enjoy life for a few minutes._

 _Fun_ , White scoffed. _Right. You remember what_ fun _is for me, right?_

Pearl’s gem lit up, casting a projection of a memory that definitely wasn’t her own onto the pillow lined floor. White, in the middle of the white room her Diamond had kept her in, standing down a charging Agate. She jumped out of the way at last minute, kicking the Agate in the chest before jumping back and drawing her swords, running forward. Pearl shook her head, ending the projection before White could stab her opponent.

 _That’s not_ —

She stopped abruptly when she realized it was quiet. Too quiet. Her eyes drifted up to find Amethyst sitting up, watching her with wide eyes. “Sorry,” she said quietly. “I didn’t do that. White was trying to prove a point.” No answer, and Pearl swallowed hard. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“No, I mean…” Amethyst pushed herself, going to flop down next to Pearl. “I know you’ve got a lot of crap in the past. I don’t think I really understand any of it — I spent the entire war in the ground and I didn’t even _exist_ when White was doing… all that.” She waved a hand at the spot where the projection had been. “But I know both of you are kind of messed up.”

_Excuse me?_

_Is she wrong?_

“It’s not a bad thing. I mean… we’re all kind of messed up here. Lapis and Peridot alone could probably keep a therapist in business for the rest of their lives. Lapis could probably keep _five_ therapists in business for the rest of their lives.” Amethyst leaned back against Lion, crossing her arms. “But that’s our thing, right? We’re the messed up outcasts.”

 _She’s certainly not wrong about that_ , White scoffed. Pearl ignored her.

“Do you remember when we found you?” She asked Amethyst instead.

“You mean when you tried to kill me?” Amethyst asked with a grin.

“You were trying to attack me!”

“I was _trying_ to play!”

“Your form of play was awful,” Pearl informed Amethyst, but she was still smiling. “I questioned Rose for hours after we got back, you know. It wasn’t… that long after the war, and I was still trying to get over a lot of the paranoia.”

“You’re still trying to do that _today_.”

“Shush. Rose wouldn’t give me a straight answer, which just annoyed me more, and I ended up working myself up pretty horribly. So she dragged me out to the beach and we sat there, and she held me until I calmed down. And finally she said it was important we bring you home, because you were one of us.” Pearl paused for a moment, remembering that feeling of being held, of feeling safe in Rose’s arms. She had been a mess after the war — watching all of the other Crystal Gems die combined with her guilt over starting all of it (giving Pink the idea to disguise herself as Rose, helping Pink fake her shattering) had very nearly consumed her. “Which confused me, because you didn’t fight in the war with us, but I didn’t ask, and it took me a long time to realize what she actually meant.”

“That we all belong together because we’re crazy?”

“Well… I would put a little nicer than that,” Pearl said. “But it’s more than an alliance of convenience. We’re not all together _just_ because we all have problems in our pasts, or _just_ because we’re all stuck on Earth. We understand each other, and we help each other. None of it’s perfect, of course, but we always get through it.”

“Yeah, ‘cause we’re awesome.” Amethyst grinned. “Although… are you sure you don’t have any more big secrets? Finding out you worked for Pink Diamond _and_ White Diamond was kind of a lot. Sure you didn’t have a stint with Blue or Yellow as well?”

 _I would have shattered my own gem before I worked for them_.

“I’m fairly certain I never worked for them in more than peripheral capacity,” Pearl assured Amethyst. “They would borrow me sometimes before Pink was given her colony, but once she had Earth I almost never saw them.”

“And you definitely don’t have any other mind-breaking secrets?”

Pearl tilted her head thoughtfully. “Not that I can think of. “Rose was Pink Diamond, I served under her, I apparently for served White Diamond as an assassin, Rose and I started the rebellion together… I think you all know my deepest and darkest secrets now.”

“Good.” Amethyst leaned Pearl, resting her on her shoulder and closing her eyes. “All this drama’s been stressing me out.”

_So is now a bad time to mention there was a fifth Diamond whom White ordered me to kill?_

“ _What_?!” Pearl yelped, jolting up. Everyone immediately woke up, several voices asking at the same time what was wrong.

 _I was kidding_.

“P?” Amethyst questioned. Pearl scowled at the air in front of her.

“Nothing. White decided this was a good time test out her sense of humor.”

 


	18. Enter White Diamond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things always get worse before they get better

“Is it just me,” Amethyst grunted, trying to pull back the large arm of the corrupted gem that had stormed the beach. It looked like it was a living tree. “ _Is it just me_ ,” Amethyst gritted out again, “or are more of these showing up on our beach than usual?”

“Maybe someone put out corrupted gem bait?” Steven suggested. Garnet flew in to punch the monster, knocking it onto its back, but it still wouldn’t poof.

“Corrupted gems have always been attracted to us,” Pearl said, throwing her spear and hitting the monster in the side. The wood must have been a shield — it shrieked, but still didn’t poof. “And we just added three more gems to the team. Not to mention the Diamonds and their Pearls. We basically _are_ corrupted gem bait.”

“Speaking of the Diamonds, they _could_ get their royal hands dirty and help us out,” Amethyst grumbled. They were standing back, watching with interest.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t count on that.”

Several small knives came raining down from the sky, the blades sharp enough to chip the mark, and Peridot cheered as she directed the knives away again. “Nice!” Bismuth called appreciatively.

“Hang on, Peridot actually did damage,” Pearl said as the whip broke, and Amethyst stumbled back.

“Yeah, I’m amazed, too.”

“No, no, it’s — Peridot, attack it again!”

Peridot happily obeyed, this time one of her knives embedding in the bark. “Cut the wood away!” Pearl said. “That’s how we hurt it!”

 _Oh good, sharp things are my specialty_.

 _Wait, no_ —

Too late. White drew her sword and darted forward, ignoring the rain of spikes the tree monster shot at her. She was forced to go off course, which resulted in her only being able to cut the monster across the front, but it was deep, and it was enough. Garnet reared back and punched the monster right in the middle of the cut, and it howled before poofing.

“See?” White said, twirling her sword between her fingers. “These things are much quicker if you just let _me_ deal with it.”

“Are you talking to Pearl or us?” Amethyst asked as Garnet bubbled the gem.

 

“Both.”

“May we see that?” Blue asked before Garnet could send it away. “We haven’t had a chance to examine a corrupted gem yet.”

The twirling stopped, a look of pure annoyance that could only be Pearl crossing her face. “I fought a _war_ without you and lived,” she said, storing the sword away again. “I think I can fight a gem monster.”

Garnet had handed the bubble over, letting Blue and Yellow look it over. “And why do you keep them?” Yellow asked. “It makes more sense to shatter them.”

“Rose wanted to find a way to heal them,” Pearl said. “Steven’s actually made some progress in that area. He was able to restore the centipeedle enough for it to remember being corrupted.”

“I’ll figure it out someday,” Steven said confidently. “I’ll heal every single gem in the temple.”

“And what are you going to do with them then?” Lapis asked, landing beside him. “Not all of them were crystal gems.”

“The majority were,” Pearl said. “Homeworld pulled back most of its troops before the light hit. The number of non crystal gems in the temple is almost negligible. But that’s a problem we’ll deal with when we get there. Right now I wouldn’t risk releasing another one unless we were absolutely sure Steven could heal it.”

“What about one that’s partially corrupted?” Steven spoke up. “Jasper wasn’t completely gone when we poofed her.”

The slightest hint of a frown crossed Lapis’ face, but it was gone almost immediately. “I think that’s a conversation we should save for another time,” Pearl said.

“Why, because of me?” Lapis asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t care.”

“I meant maybe a time when we’re all sitting down together and things are bit calmer so we can discuss how to go about releasing her without her immediately trying to kill Steven,” Pearl replied. “She went into the bubble thinking Pink Diamond was shattered.”

“Oh.” Steven looked down at his gem. “Right. Yeah, that probably wouldn’t go so well. She _was_ trying to kill me when we poofed her. She wouldn’t even let me touch her to heal her.”

“Raise a hand if you’ve somehow been personally effected by the actions of Pink and or White Diamond,” Peridot said sarcastically. She, Amethyst, Garnet, Bismuth, Lapis, Steven, and Pearl all raised their hands. “I think Pearl counts twice since she got both.”

“Three times if you count White Pearl,” Amethyst said.

“Does that mean I win?” Pearl asked dryly. “Come on Peridot, let’s get back to work.”

“Are you guys making any progress at all?” Lapis asked.

“A bit,” Peridot said. “We’ve almost got Blue’s ship ready to fly again. It’ll need to be tested before she takes it out of the atmosphere, of course, but we’re confident. That one took a while, but we were learning as we went, and also we lost a lot of time to Pearl being in a bubble. I anticipate Yellow’s ship going much faster as long as there isn’t a third personality hidden further down in her subconscious.”

“These jokes are going to get old eventually,” Pearl said, heading for the ships.

“Only for you.”

They went back into Blue’s ship, which was in much better shape than it had been when they had started.

“You know, the Diamonds haven’t actually been horrible company since they stopped trying to shatter us,” Peridot said thoughtfully as they worked. “I might actually miss them.”

“Will you, though?” Pearl asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well… not enough to keep them here any longer than what’s absolutely necessary,” Peridot added, and Pearl bit down a laugh.

“That’s what I—”

A shudder ran through the air, the ground shaking, and Pearl snapped up at once, turning to look at the sky.

“What was _that_?” Peridot asked, looking up as well.

“Something entering the atmosphere. Come on.” Pearl jumped out, Peridot following and muttering about how they can’t seem to get one free minute.

Connie and Steven had been sitting on the beach; their eyes were locked on the sky as the rest of the gems came back outside, Yellow and Blue Diamonds exiting their Palanquins.

“Did someone order Homeworld to launch something at us?” Garnet asked the Diamonds tightly, barely resisting the urge to grit her teeth.

“Of course not.” Yellow Diamond scoffed. “Even if we had a way to communicate, why would we order an attack on a planet we’re currently stuck on?”

Whatever it was broke through the clouds, hurtling straight toward them. “Steven, _shield_!” It was hard to tell which version of Pearl actually barked out the order, but it didn’t matter. Steven immediately brought up the biggest shield he could manage. The thing slammed into the shield with surprising force, and bounced off like a rubber ball hitting a brick wall. It flew a feet away, hitting the sand with a _thud_ , and Pearl immediately ran to it while the others recovered.

It was, as far as they could tell, a perfectly round, shining white ball, about the size of Steven’s head. It could have been a star, if not for the size and the fact that it was on the ground.

Yet White had taken over and pulled out a sword, poking the thing with a disgusted look, while the Diamonds stared down at it with mixed expressions of shock and horror.

“That’s…”

“ _Her_ ,” White hissed, hand tightening around her sword.

“Her who?” Amethyst demanded. “Hello, anyone wanna let us in on the big secret?”

“It’s a communication orb,” White gritted out. “From the grand Diamond herself.”

“White,” Garnet said quietly. It wasn’t really a guess.

“She must be back on Homeworld,” Blue Diamond said quietly. “She couldn’t have sent that from anywhere else.”

“Of course she is,” Yellow Diamond grumbled. “We leave for five minutes…”

White knelt down, scooping the ball up in on hand, her expression flat. She tapped the side, and the ball lit up, lifting into the air; an unfamiliar voice spoke — the tone was uncaring and had a lilt of sweetness that was almost certainly fake.

“ _Yellow, Blue._ ” The Diamonds exchanged grimaces. _“I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when I come home only to find that my precious gems have run away to Earth. Have you decided to follow in Starlight’s footsteps? Not a wise path, we all know what happened to her…_ ”

“And I thought my mom was bad,” Connie whispered to Steven. He gulped, staring hard at the orb.

“ _No matter. As long as you’re there, you can collect a few things for me. Pink, for one — it’s high time she come home_.”

“What?!” Yellow Diamond burst out. “She _knew_? How?!”

“ _And if you wouldn’t mind getting my Pearl as well, I think I’ve finally figured out how to tweak things and get her back in line_.” White’s expression darkened in a way that was almost foreign on Pearl’s face. “ _And do try not to dawdle. You know how much I hate waiting_.”

The orb dimmed, signaling the end of the message; everyone jumped as a blade ran through it, and sparks burst to life around it. White wasn’t happy. Clearly.

“She knew,” Blue Diamond whispered, a hand pressed to her mouth. “She knew, and she never told us. _Why_?”

“Because she’s a manipulative, conniving _bitch_ ,” White snapped, whipping the dead orb off her blade, nearly shaking with barely contained rage. “But she just made my life a lot easier. She’s on Homeworld. Great. Let’s finish these ships and _go_.”

“ _You_ are not going to Homeworld,” Garnet said firmly. White’s flashed as she whirled to look at Garnet.

“ _I_ do not answer to you,” she shot back.

“You’d be playing right into White Diamond’s hands. She just _said_ she wanted you back. And you’re kidding yourself if you think you can really take her.”

“Why don’t I warm up with _you_ ,” White snapped, taking a step forward.

“Guys!” Steven yelped, running to stand between them. “You said you’d get along with them.”

“I also said I would be going after White Diamond the first chance I had,” White reminded him coldly.

“That’s not just your choice to make!” Bismuth spoke up, moving to stand with Steven. “That’s Pearl’s body too, and she gets a say.”

“She can _have_ the body when I’m done!” White yelled. “I don’t _care_ , as long as White Diamond is dead!”

“Let Pearl have control back,” Garnet said, her gauntlet forming on her right hand. White shifted her foot and readied her blade.

“Or _what_?”

“Don’t—”

Too late. Bismuth grabbed Steven and jumped out of the way right as White shot forward, making no effort to get around either of them. Garnet immediately formed her second gauntlet, catching the sword inches from her face and using the momentum to throw White over her head and into the air. She jumped up before White could recover, slamming a fist into her back and driving her into the sand. Garnet landed as White straightened up, gauntlets raised to attack again.

“It’s me!” Pearl yelped, clutching her head with one hand and steadying herself with another. “It’s me, it’s me, it’s me, I’ve got her, please stop…”

Everyone relaxed slightly, and Garnet released her gauntlets, kneeling down to help Pearl up. “Sorry,” she said quietly. “I didn’t mean to get rough.”

“It’s okay.” Pearl groaned, leaning a bit on Garnet and holding her head head tight. “She backed you into a corner.”

“Is she still fighting you?” Steven asked with a frown. Pearl shook her head.

“She’s stormed off for now; fighting her down was just a bit rough. I’m fine, though,” she added with a small smile when she saw the look on Steven’s face.

They settled on the beach to talk about these latest developments. Pearl was sandwiched firmly between Amethyst and Garnet (Pearl’s aching head resting on Garnet’s shoulder), while Bismuth stood on the guard over them. Lapis and Peridot were next to them, neither looking like they knew what to make of all this. Steven and Connie were on the other side, feeling much the same.

“So, White is home,” Yellow Diamond was saying.

“The timing can’t be a coincidence,” Blue said quietly. “Someone had to have told her we were gone.”

“You think she had someone _spying_ on us?”

“You think she didn’t?” White muttered, though she made no move to try and attack again, and a moment later Pearl grimaced as she came back with a new wave of pain.

“She’s right,” Blue said, sighing. “White wouldn’t have just left us behind with no way for her to keep an eye on Homeworld.”

“Well apparently she’s all-seeing,” Amethyst muttered. “She knew Pink Diamond faked her shattering.”

“That’s the part I don’t get,” Peridot spoke up. “I mean, she knew Pink Diamond faked her shattering, she knew Pearl was a secret assassin, why not call Pink out and take back her Pearl?”

“It would’ve crippled the rebellion,” Bismuth said. “Which means it would have been the best move. Garnet and I would have probably been able to take over leading if we just thought Rose and Pearl were dead, but finding out Rose was Pink Diamond? It would have ruined everyone.”

“She could have ended the war in one go,” Connie finished the thought. “Saved years of fighting and wasted resources. Why would she let it all continue?”  
  


“Because it’s all a game to her,” White said without taking her head off Garnet’s shoulder. The pain was getting to her as well — things had gotten a bit brutal when Pearl had yanked back control. “Her little _Starlight_ was throwing another temper tantrum. She had to teach her a lesson by stranding her here.”

“That _does_ sound like her,” Yellow Diamond grudgingly admitted. “I can’t believe this. She _knew_. Are there any _other_ secrets anyone would care to fill us in on? Pearl?”

The poor yellow gem looked startled at being addressed. “N-No, my Diamond,” she stuttered, saluting. “I have nothing else to hide.”

“Yellow, stop it,” Blue said, sighing. “It’s done. Now we must figure out a way to deal with it. She didn’t just reveal the truth. She asked us to do something.”

“Yeah, about that,” Amethyst said conversationally. “If you try to take Pearl and Steven, it’ll be over our shattered gems.”

The look on Yellow’s face nearly screamed _that can be arranged_. “Maybe we should go,” Steven spoke up suddenly, surprising everyone.

“ _What_?” Bismuth said in disbelief. “You’re kidding.”

“Look, if Yellow and Blue Diamonds really don’t know anything about the corruption, then White must have done it herself,” Steven said. “We need to find out what she knows.”

“We can’t exactly stroll up to White Diamond and demand answers,” Peridot said. “She’d step on us.”

“She _does_ have answers, though,” White said, finally straightening up to look at everyone. “The corruption has her mark written all over it.”

“What do you mean?” Steven asked, frowning. Pearl’s gem started to glow, until a hand forcefully slapped itself against her forehead.

“ _No_ ,” Pearl gritted out. “You’re not showing anyone that, especially not him.”

“You baby him too much,” White complained, but the hand dropped back to her lap, and she huffed, settling for explaining. “Thousands of years ago, White Diamond began experimenting with Off Colors, purposely breaking them and healing the pieces back together to see if that would fix the imperfections. When that didn’t work, she tried taking two Off Colors of the same gem type and combining their pieces. What she ended up making were essentially early prototypes of the Cluster, albeit accidentally. The results were…”

“Horrifying,” Blue Pearl whispered, surprising everyone. She and Yellow Pearl had seen the images as well. White nodded.

“They weren’t gems. They weren’t fusions. They were monsters. Not unlike what some corrupted gems look like. All I can do is speculate, of course, as I was trapped in my own head while the _terrifying renegade_ was running around Earth, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she found a way to weaponize the ability to create those monsters and use Earth as her own personal experiment.”

A stunned silence followed White’s words. “Right,” Amethyst said slowly. “So obviously we’re not going anywhere _near_ that.”

“We have to,” Steven insisted. “If she knows how to reverse corruption, then she can help.”

“She’s not going to _help_ you,” White said with a slight sneer, and Steven winced. He knew it wasn’t _their_ Pearl, but that tone of voice still hurt slightly. “She’ll step on everyone else and send you to your room for a time out before she does anything. If she even believes you’re really Pink Diamond, which who knows? Maybe she’s just finally cracked, and when she sees all of us she’ll kill us.”

“You’re a blast at parties, aren’t you?” Amethyst asked. White ignored her.

“I _hate_ to admit the deranged Pearl is right,” Yellow Diamond said bitterly, earning herself a glare, “but you’re as likely to get help from White as you are to get killed.”

“She hurt _so_ many gems!” Steven said angrily. “Does she even care?”

“No,” Yellow said flatly. “She disappeared for five-thousand years. She _knew_ Pink was still alive and let us continue attacking the planet and then almost wipe out every gem. She _encouraged_ the final attack. She doesn’t care about Earth. She doesn’t care about the gems who were hurt here. And I’m almost certain now that she doesn’t care about Pink.”

“This does leave us with a problem, though,” Blue said quietly. “She wants us to bring Pink and her Pearl back. If we don’t, she may just decide to come and get them herself.”

Yellow frowned, looking down at the group. “That’s true,” she murmured. “You all won’t win either way. And neither will we,” she added with a sigh. No doubt White would punish them for failing to do as she had commanded.

“That settles it then, doesn’t it?” Steven asked. “We’re going to Homeworld. Maybe we can get her to listen to us.”

There was no talking him out of it, and they all knew it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this isn't going completely the way of the show - I mean, afaik since we're STILL ON HIATUS. But most of this story is already written, including the ending - I've got a chapter and a half left and it'll be completely done, and I'm not going to make any changes based on what we see if we ever get new episodes. But the plan was always for the climax to be confronting White Diamond, from long before Legs From Here To Homeworld aired, and that just seems like a natural way to go


	19. To Homeworld and Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Homeworld-bound team prepares to leave. No one knows how to handle it.

“We’re going to die.”

“We are _not_ going to die.” The ship jerked again, and Peridot’s grip on Pearl’s arm tightened. Pearl corrected herself. “We’re _probably_ not going to die.”

They had been forced to accompany Blue Diamond on the test run of her fixed ship, and while it wasn’t going horribly… it probably still could have gone better. Even Blue Pearl looked a little concerned.

“She keeps having to over correct for minor maneuvers,” Pearl murmured as she watched Blue Diamond pilot. She had seen Yellow, Blue, and Pink pilot all pilot their ships at least once during her service to Pink (and if she strained really hard, she had vague memories of watching White Diamond as well, but she didn’t want to remember that, and White wasn’t sharing), and she knew more than enough to know Blue had to work too hard for the simplest movements. She approached Blue Pearl, who was watching the control board. “May I?”

“Oh… yes.”

Blue Diamond didn’t look _particularly_ pleased with Pearl stepping in without permission, but Pearl ignored it. She swiped the control board, pressing a few buttons and reading the diagnostics before shaking her head. “We’re missing something.”

“Besides the Homeworld technology that’s actually capable of fixing something like this?” Peridot asked dryly.

“Well, yes, but we’re never going to get—” Pearl stopped, wide-eyed, blinking rapidly, and Peridot thought for a minute she was fighting off White until she exclaimed, “Oh, I’m an idiot!” and slapped her forehead.

“What?” Peridot demanded. “Do you have some stash of Homeworld technology you forgot about?”

“No — well, not exactly.” Pearl pinched the bridge of her nose. “But I know where Pink Diamond’s ship is.”

The ship lurched dangerously as Blue lost concentration completely and whirled around. Everyone else yelped, grabbing something to keep them steady. “You have her ship?” Just like every other mention of Pink, she was tearing up.

“Why aren’t we taking _that_ back to Homeworld then?” Peridot asked. “And more to the point, why didn’t you think of this _sooner_?”

“Kind of had a lot going on lately,” Pearl retorted. “And we’re not flying it back because Pink and I trashed it to make sure it would never be operational again. I think a few of the parts are in her palanquin, and we’re not going there. But most of them are buried in the desert.”

“Wow, you two really made our jobs difficult.”

“It’s not like either of us could have _predicted_ a situation like this.” Pearl waved her hands around. “But it doesn’t matter. The ship isn’t operational, but the parts should still work perfectly fine, _and_ I remember where everything is, including the ship itself.”

“You have her ship?” Blue repeated quietly. Pearl nodded. “Can I… see it?”

She really did miss Pink. Pearl bowed her head — a show of respect she had been avoiding around the Diamonds. “Of course. We can go as soon as we land.”

They gathered the rest of the group up and headed for the desert, heading for one Rose’s many storage caches. Why she had chosen the desert, Pearl would _never_ understand.

“Oh hey, Lion brought me here once!” Steven said excitedly as they approached the landfill, and Pearl made a face.

“Of course he did. It’s mostly junk — if she had kept it all at the temple, her room would have looked more like Amethyst’s room.” Amethyst grinned at that. “And she loved something about this desert; I could never figure out what it was. But _this_ was her first storage place.”

They stopped in front of the door, standing between the two pink pyramids. “So if it’s mostly junk, why’re we here?” Steven asked. “I mean, she wouldn’t keep her ship with junk, right?”

Everyone exchanged looks, and Pearl looked down at Steven, waiting for him to realize. Steven looked between the pink pyramids, blinking slowly. “Oh!” He finally exclaimed. “Wait, _really_?”

“She just left her ship _here_ this entire time, where any human could stumble on it?” Yellow asked, disgusted.

“This is hardly a place humans come to often,” Pearl replied patiently, walking over to the left leg to find the access pad. “Not to mention no one else can open it. It’s locked to her gem and mine. Well, I suppose Steven could open it now,” she added as an afterthought as she press her hand against the leg and a door opened up. “The main controls are all still in place. Peridot, you can gut those for parts. As for the mechanical parts…” Pearl turned, projecting an image of a large map, mirroring the desert they were in. “Key components were placed in several different locations. We didn’t want to take the chance of a gem finding it and realizing what it was, or at worse somehow getting in and being able to operate it.”

“Why do I get the feeling this was mostly your idea?” Amethyst asked, giving Pearl a suspicious look.

“Oh it was _completely_ my idea. Pink Diamond wasn’t _nearly_ paranoid enough to think of anything like that, or to consider that Homeworld might try to trace her ship if it were at all functional. It took us three days to get everything done.”

“I’m starting to feel more and more like you actually ran the rebellion behind the scenes,” Garnet said dryly. Pearl grinned despite herself.

“I offered ideas where I thought they might be helpful. What Rose did with them was completely up to her.” She clapped her hands together, beaming. “Let’s get to work!”

With Pearl’s knowledge of the area and the hands they had (including a couple Sardonyx appearances for bigger parts and entertainment), it only took them a day to find everything. “Pearl, no offense,” Amethyst huffed as she fell over, face-planting in the sand. “But past you was even _more_ neurotic, and I hate her.”

“This is nothing,” Garnet said. “You should have seen her organization at the camp.”

Pearl glared at her. “Very funny.”

“More a fact.”

* * *

 

“So… you’re going to Homeworld.”

Steven looked back at Greg. They were sitting in the back of his van, jamming mindlessly and listening to Pearl and Peridot work on Blue’s ship. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“You’re going to Homeworld with two gems who tried to kill you until they found you’re… what, they’re nephew, I guess?”

“Something like that.”

“And with the Crystal Gems, even though Pearl has a dangerous assassin living in her head who sometimes takes control.”

“She’s not _dangerous_ as long as you don’t annoy her.”

“And you’re going to see another gem who may or may not want to kill you and thinks you’re your mother.”

“That’s about the gist of it, yeah.”

“Right.” Greg leaned, staring mindlessly at the ceiling, silent long enough that Steven started to worry.

“Uuuuuh… Dad?”

“There are no parenting books for this, schtuball.”

Steven chuckled a bit. “Are… you going to be okay? I mean, I know you’re probably freaked out and worried and everything but this is… really important.”

“I know it is.” Greg set his guitar aside, leaning forward and sighing. “And I know nothing I say is going to talk you out of it, and arguing about it…” He shook his head. “I don’t want to argue. Just… promise me you’ll come home safe.”

“Always,” Steven said with a small smile. “Besides, the dangerous assassin is on our side. Sort of. I think she’d protect me.”

“Who else is going, anyways? I can’t imagine everyone is just going to abandon Earth completely.”

“Well, Lapis is a hard no. She said if she ever sees Homeworld again it’ll be too soon. Peridot is staying with Lapis. I’m pretty sure Bismuth is staying as well. Pearl is definitely coming because White Diamond wants White Pearl, and I don’t think White is going to miss a chance to try and shatter White Diamond. I… don’t know how we’re handling that one yet. And Garnet and Amethyst are coming to help with Pearl. So I guess it’s Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot staying behind to protect Earth.”

There was a loud crash, and Peridot started yelling. “I feel safe,” Greg mumbled. “What about Connie?”

“I… don’t know yet.” Steven sighed, putting his ukulele down and flopping back to mirror his father’s posture. “She _wants_ to come, and I feel like I shouldn’t argue about it, especially after last time, but… I don’t want her to get hurt, either. I’m not even sure what her parents would _say_. They’ve gotten kind of used to all the magical stuff at this point and I think Connie’s mother even _likes_ Pearl—”

“Clearly she was hooked by Pearl’s charming personality.”

Steven laughed. “But going into space is kind of a big deal. I mean, we were stuck on the Jungle Moon for like a week, and I thought they would never let Connie out of their sight again.”

“Can’t say I blame them,” Greg admitted. “It’s hard watching you run off and get into trouble and not being able to help and not knowing when you’re going to come back… or _if_.” He fell silent for a minute, and Steven waited. Greg never talked to him about this stuff. He didn’t want to ruin the moment. “But I know the gems will protect you. The two big ones don’t seem to hate you anymore so that’s good. And I suppose the dangerous assassin will help as well.”

“How would you like it if I called you the lazy layabout all the time?” Greg jumped as the voice came out of nowhere, and Steven leaned over to see Pearl — or White, really — leaning against the van door. “Or car wash human. Or a few of Pearl’s favorite insults, although they might not be fit for delicate ears like Steven’s—”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Greg said quickly. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Ignore her.” That was Pearl, pinching the bridge of her nose. “She’s annoyed because all I’ve done for three days is work on the ship and that’s _boring_. She’s worse than Amethyst, I swear.”

“How’s it going with the ship?” Steven asked while Greg tried to recover from his latest heart failure.

“Really well. Wishing more and more I had remembered your mother’s ship sooner, it would have saved us a lot of time, even if Peridot does keep complaining about archaic technology.” Pearl laughed. “I haven’t told her yet that I know how to use all of it, it’s more fun to watch her get annoyed.”

Steven frowned. “Wait a second. Did you know how to use that control board thing up in the Moon base too? The one Garnet smashed?” Pearl smiled innocently and looked away. “You _did_ , didn’t you?”

“If you had let me go alone, I could have found all the information and saved us a _lot_ of drama with her.” Pearl looked back, shrugging. “But there was no good way to bring it up without anyone asking questions I couldn’t answer. I was alone on the base sometimes, when your mother was down here dealing with the rebellion, and _someone_ had to keep up the ruse that she was working… honestly, I almost laughed when Peridot was going on about how only the elite climbed those stairs and sat in that chair. Remind me to tell her about that some time.”

“You know, I still think you’re scarier than the other one,” Greg said with a weak laugh. “So… how long until you leave, do you think?”

“Depends.” Pearl sighed. “If Yellow wants _her_ ship fixed as well, it’s going to take longer. But if we can get away with just fixing Blue’s for now… a few days, maybe?”

Steven saw a flash of fear in Greg’s eyes. “And uh… this White Diamond. What’s she like?”

Pearl frowned faintly, and White spoke. “If you knew, you’d lock Steven in your van and never let him out again.”

From the look on Greg’s face, Steven had a feeling that wasn’t the answer he had been hoping for.

* * *

 

“ _I have a math test on Thursday_.”

Steven did his best not to laugh, especially when he heard the sound of Connie smacking her forehead. “ _Jeez, that’s the last thing I need to worry about, I’m sorry, I just… going to_ space _? Really? When did our lives get so complicated?_ ”

“The day I trapped us in a bubble at the bottom of the ocean.”

Both teens laughed quietly. “ _I… I don’t know, Steven_ ,” Connie finally said quietly, sounding like she hated herself for it. “ _I mean, I_ want _to come, I want to be there for you, I_ should _be there for you_.”

“Earth might need you too,” Steven pointed out. “Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot are staying behind. I’m sure they won’t say no to a fourth fighter.”

“ _I’d rather help you_ ,” Connie said. “ _I don’t want you to go off without me again_.”

“I don’t want to go off without you again,” Steven admitted. “It sounds like Homeworld is going to be dangerous, though. And that’s _without_ White trying to kill her Diamond.”

“ _Yeah_.” Steven could tell Connie was grimacing. “ _That’s another reason I should be there, though. I can help with her. Or Stevonnie can help. How am I supposed to ask my parents permission to go into space?_ ”

“ _Permission to_ what _?!_ ” Steven heard Priyanka Maheswaran yelp in the background, and he dimly registered the sound of the front door opening.

“ _Mom! Um, Steven, gotta go_.”

She hung up before Steven could answer, and he flopped back on his bed, sighing. “If you’re smart, you won’t let her go.”

“Are you just sneaking around listening to all my conversations?” He asked, sitting up and looking at White.

“Pearl decided she needed a break from Peridot.” White sat down on the bottom step. “I can’t really _blame_ her, being stuck with her is exhausting. The incessant yapping…”

Her voice drifted off, and Steven leaned forward. “What _is_ White Diamond like?” He asked quietly, as if he could keep anyone else from hearing him. Pearl was there, though, and he saw a brief flash as, presumably, Pearl tried to take control.

“She made me,” White said flatly. “What more do you need to know?” Steven just waited, and White sighed. “She’s delusional, paranoid, and will break anything to fit her world view. It’s entirely possible she just doesn’t _understand_ that Pink Diamond is dead and thinks you’re just her in some weird shape-shifted form. Even if she doesn’t believe that, she’ll make herself believe it. She makes herself believe anything if it means not having to adjust the way she sees things. And god forbid you try to force her out of those delusions. Then she gets dangerous.”

“So if she realizes I’m not really Pink Diamond…”

“There’s going to be hell to pay,” White finished. “You’d all be better off letting me shatter her.”

“No one is shattering anyone,” Steven said.

“You’re such a killjoy.” White stood, shaking her head. “Let’s see what tune you’re singing when she’s holding us all hostage and ready to shatter someone you love.”

Steven watched her walk away, frowning, then looked down as his phone buzzed. There was a text message from Connie.

 _I’m coming with you_.

* * *

 

In the end, they decided to only fix Blue’s ship, even if it annoyed Yellow. But they were on a time crunch now — White wanted them back sooner rather than later. They could send a technician team back to get the pieces of Yellow’s ship later.

“I think this is the best we’re going to get,” Pearl said with a sigh, stepping back as Peridot finished with the control panel.

“I trust this more than I trust version one,” Peridot agreed. “Do you… really think Steven has any chance of convincing White to help?”

“No,” Pearl admitted. “I want to believe maybe he’s capable of convincing her, but—”

“She’s a complete sociopath and Steven can’t fix everyone,” White cut in so suddenly, Peridot nearly got whiplash. “She experiments on gems for _fun_. Does that sound like the kind of gem who’s going to take pity on the monsters _she_ created?”

“Then why are you going?”

“Because…” Pearl sighed. “If we don’t, she’ll come here. It’s better to bring the fight to her.”

“And hope she doesn’t shatter you.”

“Yeah,” Pearl said, tangling her fingers together. “That’s definitely a concern. But we can fight. We’ve got the assassin she created, if nothing else.”

“That’s true. We all know _she’ll_ shatter White the first chance she gets.”

“She’s sharpening a sword as we speak.” Pearl sighed, pressing a hand to her gem.

“What — really?” Pearl nodded, and Peridot grimaced. “Pearls are _weird_.”

“I think I might be a special case.”

* * *

 

“It’s going to be okay,” Steven said, hugging his father. “You’ll see. We’ll be back in no time.”

“I know,” Greg said, holding Steven tight. “Go charm all those Homeworld gems.”

“She’ll be perfectly fine.” Pearl was busy reassuring Connie’s parents. “The atmosphere is breathable for humans, and she’ll be with us. I won’t let anything happen to her. I promise.”

Connie hugged her parents tight before walking over to Steven, who was stepping away from his father and heading to the ship. The Diamonds were in the ship already, waiting for the rest. Greg looked back at Garnet.

“It’s… going to be okay, right?” He asked uncertainly.

“Steven will be okay,” Garnet said simply. “Keep an eye on the house. We don’t need Lapis and Peridot turning it into another art exhibit.”

“Got it.” Greg smiled weakly. “Be safe out there.”

“Ahem.” They all looked back at the ship to see Yellow Pearl. “My Diamond would like to know if you’re all ready to go.”

Pearl rolled her eyes. “Tell Yellow Diamond to keep her boots on, Yellow. We’ll be there in a few.”

“This all seems entirely unnecessary.”

“I think we’re ready to go,” Steven said quickly before Pearl could retort. “Right, guys?”

“Don’t throw any wild parties while we’re gone,” Amethyst told Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot in a mock-serious tone. “You’re the home team.”

“You all just make sure you come back,” Bismuth said sternly. “That’s an order.”

“Psh.” Amethyst waved her off. “Homeworld matriarch who experiments on gems. How bad could it be?”

 


	20. In Transit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space road trips are the best.... kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy to report that this story is completely written, other than needing to be edited. Five chapters to go!

“Whoa,” Connie said slowly as they walked onto the ship. Blue Pearl was standing at attention behind her Diamond, waiting to go. Yellow Pearl approached Yellow Diamond, who was seated in a large passenger’s seat. “This is cool.”

“It’s not at its best, sadly,” Blue Diamond said.

“That’s what happens when you let amateurs act like technicians,” Yellow added haughtily, and Pearl glared at her.

“Actually, I think that’s what happens when you unjustly attacks us and crash your ships into our home.”

Steven laughed weakly, quickly grabbing Pearl’s hand and pulling her away from the irate Diamond. “We’ve all made mistakes, right?” He said, looking between them.

“Pearl,” Blue Diamond cut in, looking to her own Pearl, who nodded and pulled up a control panel.

“Everything is ready, my Diamond.”

“Uh…” Pearl grabbed Steven, dragging him off to the side. “Everyone find something to hold on to. These take offs can be kind of rough.”

“Why?” Amethyst asked even as they all grabbed something. Blue Diamond answered the question as she raised her arm, and they all nearly fell forward when the ship responded. No one dared to speak until they were through the atmosphere.

“Wait,” Steven said slowly. “So you control your ships with your arms. Does that mean Mom controlled hers with her legs? What was _that_ like?”

Yellow Diamond groaned, resting her forehead in her hand, and Pearl coughed, covering her mouth to try and hide a giggle. “It was… very interesting. She would let me sit when it was the two of us.”

“What was it like?” Connie asked. “Working for Pink Diamond, I mean? You’ve never really been able to talk about it.”

Pearl hummed thoughtfully, sitting down, and Steven settled beside her. “It was different. Not that I had memories to compare it to at the time,” she added. “But even just from watching Yellow and Blue Pearls, I knew it was different. Pink Diamond never wanted a slave.” She was suddenly very aware of Yellow and Blue Diamonds watching her, and she was very close to insulting them. She squared her shoulders and pushed forward. “She never felt equal to the Diamonds, and all the other gems on Homeworld saw her as a ruler. All she wanted was a friend.”

“Ridiculous, as always.” Yellow Diamond rolled her eyes.

“She was _lonely_ ,” Pearl continued pointedly. “That’s where she and I… failed to communicate for a long time. I acted as her servant, she tried to treat me as an equal. It wasn’t until Earth that we really… uh…” She blushed, ducking her head. “Started connecting.”

“You mean after you swept her off her feet?” Steven teased, and Pearl’s blush brightened.

“Not here, Steven,” she mumbled, catching Yellow watching her suspiciously. Connie, unfortunately, didn’t catch the hint.

“So you didn’t just love her because she was your Diamond?”

Now both Pearls and both Diamonds were looking avidly at Pearl, waiting for an answer. She coughed, rubbing her neck awkwardly. “M-Maybe we should talk about something else now.” Her voice was high-pitched and carried for everyone to hear.

“Sorry.” Steven laughed a little.

* * *

_What do you think you’ll do if you actually shatter White Diamond?_

White was silent for a long moment, thinking it over. _Well, you’ll go back to Earth. I suppose I’ll have to tag along._

_You really have no other desires besides revenge?_

_Of course I don’t_. White scoffed.

_Won’t you be bored? It’s not exactly the best way to spend your life._

_It’s how I’ve spent eight-thousand years. What’s the difference?_

“She was never happy, was she?”

Pearl shook herself out of her conversation with White, looking up at Blue Diamond. She could almost pity the Diamond, and the sad look on her face. Almost.

“We tried to give her the things she wanted,” Blue continued quietly. “We gave her a Pearl, and a colony, and the only place she ever found happiness was on Earth.”

Pearl looked around. Yellow Diamond and her Pearl were both clearly waiting for the answer as well. Steven was asleep, head resting in Pearl’s lap. Garnet was in the back of the ship with Connie and Amethyst, who were both asleep in Garnet’s lap.

“Permission to speak freely?” Pearl finally asked quietly, turning back to Blue. The Diamond looked surprise.

“Yes,” she said finally.

“I can only say what I observed, of course. And what I know Pink Diamond felt. She thought you didn’t care. She thought you were only holding on to Earth to try and teach her lesson. She thought you would back off if she was gone, and you wouldn’t miss her. All she ever wanted was someone who treated her like she mattered. Like she was more than a nuisance.”

“Then perhaps,” Yellow Diamond said stiffly, “she should have _acted_ like more than a nuisance.”

“Perhaps,” Pearl agreed. “I didn’t always agree with the choices she made. But I knew she was always trying to do what she thought was best. And I would have trusted her with my life. I _did_ trust her with my life. If I could go back and change the choices we made… I don’t know what I would do.”

She couldn’t honestly say she would have changed it, not knowing what she knew about the future. Garnet would never exist. Steven wouldn’t exist. Amethyst would have been left alone in the kindergarten, or eventually shattered when she was discovered. And Pearl would have been… just a Pearl, no different from Yellow and Blue. Or worse, reclaimed by White Diamond. She shuddered at the thought.

 _What would you have done?_ She asked White, turning her attention inward once more. _If she had released you herself_?

White was quiet for a long moment. _I don’t know_ , she finally replied. _Maybe I would have forgiven her. Assassin or not, I’m still a Pearl. I would have had an obligation to her._

_Don’t you still have an obligation now?_

White made a noise that might have been the audible equivalent of a shrug. _I’m not sure. I guess we’ll see what happens when she tries to issue an order._

 _Hang on_ , Pearl said slowly. _Do you think she can take control of you?_

_I don’t know what to think. Pink released you officially from her service. What effect that has on my service to White, I can’t even begin to guess._

_You could have mentioned that sooner!_ Panic rose in Pearl. _What if she takes control of you and has you attack everyone?_

 _Then you better hope the Crystal Gems can take me out_.

Pearl bit down a groan, dropping her head back against the wall. “You said White shattered her pearl when she left Homeworld,” Pearl said, needing a change in topic. “Do you think she made a new one while she was gone?”

“Stars knows what she might have done,” Yellow Pearl mumbled. “I pity any Pearl left alone with her for that long, though.”

A memory of the horrible cluster creatures White had created flashed through Pearl’s mind, and she shuddered, shaking her head. This topic wasn’t any better. She closed her eyes, relaxing, and White slipped naturally into place. She was surprisingly fidgety, and pulled a sword and a cloth from her gem, beginning to clean. If she noticed the looks from the other Pearls and the Diamonds, she gave no indication.

“Permission to speak?” Blue Pearl asked quietly. Her Diamond nodded. “White, do you really think you can beat your Diamond?”

“She is _not_ my Diamond,” White gritted back. “And I’m going to try like hell. I’ve got one advantage, at least. I know her weaknesses.”

“She doesn’t have many of those.”

“No. But no being is perfect. Not even the great Diamond Authority.” Yellow Pearl made a harumph noise, and White rolled her eyes. “Keep kissing that dirt, Yellow.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I like Pink a _lot_ more than I like you.”

“Oh, trust me, I’m well aware of that.”

Panicked looks went between Yellow and Blue Pearls. They had forgotten White had all of Pink’s memories. _All_ of them. White didn’t elaborate, however; she simply refocused on her already perfectly clean sword, checking the sharp edge for any nicks or other imperfections.

Blue Pearl shook her head, exasperated. Whether it was White or Pink, they _never_ got along with Yellow.

“Do you really think she’s going to help us?” White asked after a moment, still examining the sword. “Or are you just humoring this because you can’t say not to Steven?”

“Dealing with her is far from something we would _humor_ ,” Yellow Diamond stiffly.

“If she truly believes he’s Pink, she may help,” Blue Diamond added. “She was the one who always forced us to give in and let Pink have what she wanted. Anything to make her little Starlight happy.”

A muscle jumped in White’s jaw. “Yeah,” she said darkly. “I know exactly how far she’d go to make her _precious Starlight_ happy.” She finally conceded and called the sword clean, storing it back in her gem. “That doesn’t necessarily guarantee cooperation.”

“You’re not much for hope, are you?” Garnet asked dryly, speaking for the first time since they had left Earth. White raised an eyebrow, looking back at her.

“You’re the one who’s half a prophet. Tell me, is there any path where this ends well for every single one of us?”

Garnet regarded White silently. She took that as an answer and retreated, letting Pearl take control again. She was going to be in full control the entire time they were on Homeworld — or at least in White’s presence. She needed to be ready for that.

* * *

“We are approaching Homeworld.”

Pearl looked up from the floor, snapping out of her daze, when Blue Pearl spoke. The sleeping members of their party stirred and yawned, sitting up for their first look at a planet they had never known, but feared all the same.

“Whoa,” Connie murmured in wide-eyed awe, staring at the split planet. “Is… Is it supposed to look like that?”

“Homeworld was the first colony,” Pearl said, pushing herself up. “Gems have been draining resources out of it for thousands of years.”

“Peridot said resources were scarce on Homeworld,” Steven spoke up. “That’s why she had limb enhancers instead of powers. Except obviously she has some powers.”

“Era two gems have suffered slightly from lack of resources,” Blue Diamond admitted quietly, preparing to land. “We’re traveling further and further for new planets to colonize, and that process takes from what we’re already in short supply of.”

“Then why keep trying to make new gems?” Steven asked, frowning. “I mean, you’re pretty much immortal, right? Why do you need to make _more_ gems when you already have so many? Why keep trying to colonize planets?”

“Because the _Great Diamond Authority_ considers itself better than any organic life,” Pearl cut in before Yellow or Blue could sugarcoat it. “They want their empire to spread across the stars.”

Steven’s shoulders dropped, his expression falling. It had been easy to forget what Yellow and Blue really were when they had all been on Earth. Now? Now it was staring him right in the face, and he couldn’t ignore it.

“Mom… never thought that, did she?” He asked in a small voice. Pearl sighed silently, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Pink Diamond never particularly cared one way or the other. She just wanted approval and acceptance. If colonizing a planet was the way to get that, then so be it.” Pearl shook her head. “Neither of us were ever particularly _proud_ of it, not once we knew what Earth was truly like. The kindergartens were always a particularly miserable reminder for both of us.”

Amethyst frowned, looking down at herself as if realizing something. Pearl had never hidden her hatred of the kindergartens, and for a long time Amethyst had believed that meant Pearl hated _her_ as well. That hadn’t been the case, of course. But now she wondered how much Pearl hated _herself_ when she looked at the kindergartens.

“Enough about the past,” Yellow Diamond said shortly, turning away. “The present is our current problem. Talking to White is going to be tricky. Try not to give her a reason to shatter or bubble you.”

“Like she needs a reason,” White broke in, rolling her eyes.

“You _are_ going to be able to disobey any orders she gives you, right?” Yellow Pearl asked, suddenly suspicious. White shrugged.

“Technically she gave up ownership of me over eight-thousand years ago. I suppose with a bit of time and reprogramming, she could take back control, but as things stand, I’m relatively certain I can fight her. If not, Garnet and Amethyst know what to do.”

“This all just keeps getting better and better,” Amethyst muttered, fidgeting. White’s expression flickered as she let Pearl take over for what might very well be the last time in a while.

“It’ll be okay,” Pearl murmured, fingers interlacing together. They all knew that tone.

She was lying.

“It’ll be best to make as little a spectacle of ourselves as possible,” Yellow Diamond said tersely. “Bad enough we’re showing up in a half-wrecked ship with Pink Diamond looking like… well.”

Steven huffed. “You know, everyone else thinks I’m adorable,” he informed Yellow grumpily.

“You’re going to stand out like a sore thumb on Homeworld, though,” Pearl told him gently. “All of us are. We can’t just fake our roles and hope for the best this time.”

“So what should we do?” Amethyst asked, raising an eyebrow. “Try to blend in with the natives?”

“Not until we know the lay of the land.” Pearl bit her thumbnail for a moment, frowning. “We have no idea what we’re walking into. It might be best for you, Garnet, and Connie to stay on the ship, out of sight, until we have a better idea.”

“What?” Connie demanded, jumping up. “How are we supposed to _help_ if we’re sitting here twiddling our thumbs?”

“Backup,” Pearl said simply. “Never let the enemy see your full hand. A second wave in a battle can turn the tides drastically in one side’s favor.”

“It was a trick we used a lot in the early days of the war,” Garnet added. “Rose would leave a second group behind, with Pearl leading, and go into battle with the first group. Homeworld underestimated us, and didn’t send armies big enough to handle two attacks back to back.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Steven spoke up before Connie could protest again. “Hopefully this is all for nothing, and White Diamond will help us. If it comes down to a fight though, you guys are the ace up our sleeves.”

Connie sighed. “O _kay_ ,” she said unwillingly after looking at Garnet and Amethyst. Neither of them were particularly pleased with the idea, either. “Just be careful.”

“Try not to touch any buttons and launch yourselves back into space,” Yellow said, already turning her attention forward as they landed. “Blue?”

“I still can’t believe she’s back.” Blue Diamond shook her head, turning to Yellow. “Let’s get this over with.”

“I hope it’s that easy,” Yellow said dryly.

The Diamonds left the ship first, with their Pearls following in perfect position three steps behind them. Pearl made no such effort, instead positioning herself slightly in front of Steven as they started down the path to White’s court.

“Whoa,” Steven breathed, looking around. His last glimpses of Homeworld had been brief and in a falling palanquin. They didn’t do the strange world any justice.

“Let us do the talking for now,” Blue said as they approached the door. “Unless she directly addresses one of you.”

“Not exactly in a hurry to talk to her,” Pearl said under her breath, crossing her arms tight across her chest.

 _I am_ , White’s vicious voice whispered in the back of her head.

 _You can take over at any point_ , Pearl shot back. _But if you get Steven hurt_ …

 _Yeah, yeah. I know the drill, don’t worry_.

They stopped at the door, Yellow Pearl already stepping forward to open it; she hadn’t taken two steps before the doors slid open on their own, revealing a small, slight figure standing before them.

“Hello. Welcome to White Diamond’s court.”

It was another pearl, Steven realized before he even registered why the three pearls around him were making noises of disbelief and fear.

“What in the…”

“What did she _do_?”

The pearl was dressed in a black and white leotard and wearing a silky skirt — Steven wondered if that was a requirement, since Pearl seemed to have worn one throughout most of her life, if her memories were to be believed. It was the pearl’s face, however, that drew attention. A long, jagged crack was running down the left side of her face, going through her eye and giving off the appearance that there was no pupil or iris. Or maybe there wasn’t.

Even the Diamonds were stunned by the appearance of the pearl, and didn’t reprimand Yellow or Blue Pearls for speaking out of turn. Pearl stared at the disfigured gem, mouth hanging open, before abruptly recovering herself and straightening up, clasping her hands behind her back.

“Pearl Facet 1, cut-1A,” she introduced herself curtly. No, wait. That was White speaking. Time to play their roles. “Accompanying Yellow, Blue, and Pink Diamonds. I believe White Diamond has requested our presence?”

“Of course,” the other Pearl — White Two? Steven wondered. There were too many to keep track of now — said in a pleasant, mechanical voice, like an AI on a cell phone. “Please, follow me. My Diamond will be happy to see you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that,” White whispered, maintaining her position in front of Steven as they walked inside. Everything was so white, it almost hurt his eyes. The floor was tiled, except for where they walked, which Steven assumed was a carpet of some kind. Statues of gems in different poses lined the wall. For some reason, that made Steven’s stomach pitch a little. It felt more malicious than it appeared.

“Eyes straight,” White ordered him quietly. “Don’t look at anything.”

He looked back at her, surprised. “Why—”

“White Diamond prided herself on creating an atmosphere of discomfort and uncertainty within the walls of her court,” White explained. “It gives her the upper hand before the conversation has even started. Just keep your eyes forward. Focus on me, or one of the Diamonds, or Yellow or Blue Pearl. Try not to think too hard about White Pearl.”

“What _happened_?” Yellow Pearl hissed, half turning her head to look back at White, who shrugged and shook her head.

“Another experiment. Don’t question it.”

They arrived at a pair of doors, and White squared her shoulders, straightening her posture. It was the first time Steven had ever seen Pearl in a “proper” pearl position. And it probably unsettled him more than anything else in this entire place.

 


	21. Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talks go... poorly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit shorter, sorry about that... the next chapter is 4500 words though, so hopefully that makes up for it.

The cracked White Pearl touched a hand to an invisible pad next to the door, and they slowly swung open. Steven’s heart was in his throat, and he couldn’t stop himself from clinging to White’s hand. He was surprised when she squeezed back.

“Let us do the talking,” Yellow Diamond murmured, stepping forward. Blue followed, and finally the group of Pearls walked after them, Steven still clinging to White.

“Ah,” a sugary sweet voice said, full of love and compassion that Steven immediately knew was fake. “Yellow, Blue. It’s _so_ good to see you again.”

It took Steven a moment to identify where the voice was coming from. Everything in the room was just bright. He finally managed to focus on what seemed like a pillar of pure white, slowly raising his head to find the face at the top, with spiked hair and a diamond embedded in her forehead.

 _Whoa_.

“White,” Yellow said stiffly. “I have to admit, we were a little surprised to get your message. Especially after not hearing from you for five-thousand years.”

“I had a work to do in other places,” White said almost dismissively. “I appreciate you taking care of things while I’ve been gone.”

“Of course,” Blue Diamond said quietly. “We’re glad to have you back.”

All of it was formalities and fake. It was easy to see. “And I trust my little Starlight didn’t give you any problems with coming back?” White asked, looking down at Steven, who was still clinging to Pearl’s hand.

“Um,” he stammered, straightening up and trying to look as brave as he could. He remembered what White Pearl had said about the court being made in a way to unsettle gems before they even faced the Diamond. It had worked. “Actually, I’m—”

“Now, now, Pink,” White said, almost condescendingly. “I think it’s more than time for this little game to end, don’t you?”

Steven froze with his mouth still hanging open. “I see you’ve taken good care of my Pearl, at least,” White said, her eyes sweeping over the gem at Steven’s side. “How are you, my precious one?”

“Not bad, _my Diamond_ ,” White gritted out. “Considering you trapped me in my own mind for eight-thousand years.”

“I knew you’d find a way to escape.” The Diamond sounded delighted. “I didn’t think it would take as long as it did, admittedly. But you were always a smart.” White Pearl tsk-ed, gaze hard, but she didn’t answer. “And I do appreciate you looking after Pink. I knew giving her a colony was a bad idea, but I suppose she needed to learn her lesson one way or the other…”

“You knew she was alive,” Blue said. “All this time, you knew. You let us attack Earth knowing she was there. We could have killed her.”

“Oh, I would never put Pink in harm’s way,” White Diamond said in that same, dismissive tone. “She was never in any danger.”

Steven remembered Pearl’s memory from after the light had struck — remembered the barren battlefield littered in gems and shards. He didn’t believe a word White Diamond said.

“Now, Pink, really,” White Diamond said, snapping Steven back to reality. “I understand you were fond of your Pearl, but clinging to her like that is just undignified.”

“I’m not Pink.” Steven rushed the words out before anyone could speak over him. “My name is—”

“Shush, now.” The words were lost with that simple little command. “I know you’ve been having fun, playing around on that silly little planet. But it’s time to come back and start taking responsibility for your actions. You left quite the mess behind, you know.”

Steven grimaced, stepping back slightly. “I’m afraid I’ll be taking my Pearl back, however.” She didn’t sound at all apologetic for that. “I have plenty of spares around, as long as you don’t mind a little damage.”

Yellow and Blue Pearls exchanged looks, probably wishing now that they could be anywhere else. “My name is Steven,” Steven tried to push on, ignoring everything else. “I’m Pink Diamond’s son—”

White Diamond immediately waved him off. “There’s no time for this, Starlight. The four of us have a lot of work to do. Yellow and Blue have done an excellent job taking care of Homeworld while we were away, but there are some things that still need to be fixed. Starting with this ugly Off-Color problem which seems to have developed in my absence.”

Steven blanched, thinking of Lars and his crew of Off-Colors. Were their more like them hiding in the caves beneath Homeworld? They hadn’t mentioned any others, but those tunnels were huge…

“Let’s not waste any time, then,” White said cheerfully, holding out a hand. Steven yelped as a solid white bubble encased him.

“Steven!” It was hard to tell if that was Pearl or White yelling. Both, maybe. The bubble disappeared into the wall, and the Pearl that whipped around to glare at the Diamond was definitely White.

“What did you _do_?”

“I think Pink needs a little time to herself before she’ll be of any use to us,” White Diamond said. Blue and Yellow Diamonds were both staring at White in disbelief, while their Pearls looked at the wall Steven had disappeared through.

“That’s _not_ Pink Diamond you overgrown light bulb!” White Pearl spat, glowering.

 _She must have sent him to Pink’s court_. Pearl was trying to be calm and rational. _That’s where she always sent Pink after one of these discussions. We can find him as long as you don’t do anything stupid_.

“Oh, and I suppose we’ll have to take care of that little reprogramming I had to do with you, won’t we my Pearl?” White Diamond all but cooed, and Pearl went completely still and silent in their shared head. “So much to do, so little time. Blue, Yellow, I appreciate you bringing my Starlight and my Pearl back. Why don’t you return to your courts now?”

There was something about the words that made them less of a suggestion and more of an order. _Screw this_ , White Pearl hissed, tapping her gem and drawing a sword. She wasn’t going to sit around and let White Diamond mess with her head. Not again.

White!” The yell came from Yellow Pearl, a little too late. Before White could move, she was being slammed back into the wall, her sword guarding her from another blade — a longer, stronger blade, wielded by the cracked Pearl. Her expression was still as serene as it had been when she’d opened the door.

“What…”

 _The_ …

“I knew my experiments would work,” White Diamond said cheerfully. “She just needed a few tweaks, and now look at her. The perfect, unsuspecting soldier.”

 _The cracks_ , Pearl whispered, horrified. Even White was staring at the other Pearl, wide-eyed. She recovered faster, shoving back and swinging at the Pearl, who blocked easily.

“Now, now, I hate to see my Pearls fight,” White Diamond said; before anyone could react, she reached out, slender fingers wrapping around Pearl’s body. White hot pain burned through her side where the diamond’s fingernails touched, and for a moment she thought she was going to pass out.

 _No!_ Pearl yelled as forcefully as she could, struggling through the pain. _We need to stay conscious and get out of here_.

 _Right_ , White grunted, eyes flicking around. _I think I have an idea_ …

“Just hold still,” White Diamond said, her other hand reaching for Pearl’s face. “This will only hurt for a moment…”

White pulled her spear as soon as the hand was close enough, jabbing it upward and, surprisingly, straight through White Diamond’s hand. Her entire formed glitched as she screamed, losing her grip on White Pearl; she tumbled ungracefully to the ground, barely managing to catch herself and sprinting to the wall.

“ _Stop her_!”

This time White was prepared for the cracked Pearl’s attack. She whipped around, blocking the blow, while her other hand worked furiously to bring up a panel and tap in a code. The door hidden in the wall slid open.

“Sorry,” White said through gritted teeth, meeting the other Pearl’s unflinching gaze. “I respect the rules as much as anyone, but you broke them first.”

She lifted her leg, planting a solid kick in the Pearl’s stomach and throwing her back. She darted into the door, and heard a light thud behind her as it slid shut right before the cracked Pearl could get through.

* * *

“They’re taking too long,” Amethyst huffed, kicking at a control panel with no real strength behind it. “We should go after them.”

“What if they’re talking and we make it worse by showing up?” Connie asked. She had been pacing nervously for the better part of the last hour. Garnet was still sitting, arms crossed, and they knew better than to interrupt her. “Let’s just give them a little longer—”

Almost on cue, two wild-eyed, slight figures ran into the ship. Blue and Yellow Pearls. Everyone immediately snapped around to look at them.

“What happened?” Amethyst demanded at once. “Where’s Steven? Where’s Pearl?”

“Talks went… poorly,” Yellow said, holding herself up straight. That was clearly an understatement. “We’ve lost track of your Steven, unfortunately.”

“White Diamond sent our Diamonds back to their courts,” Blue added, clasping her hands in front of her. “They sent us to get you.”

“No one ever notices when the servants slip away,” Yellow said.

“What do you mean you _lost track_ of Steven?” Connie asked, her expression hard.

“White Diamond sent him away,” Yellow said. “Pink… or White, whichever… may know where he is, but we need to find them first.”

“We have a place to start, however,” Blue said. “They ran into the servants’ corridors.”

“So what are we sitting around here for?” Amethyst demanded. “Let’s _go_.”

“I’m afraid it’s not that simple,” Blue said quietly. “You’re all still going to stand out. White Diamond is already suspicious after our Diamonds did nothing to stop her Pearl from escaping.”

“They said they didn’t want to accidentally shatter her, but we doubt White Diamond believed that,” Yellow said. It was odd, how they seemed to finish each other’s thoughts and sentences. “Most Pearls aren’t allowed to walk around without their owners. Blue and I get some leeway within the court areas, as we’re often messengers. There are entrances to the corridors outside the courts, and we’re close to Blue’s court, so it should be accessible. But that’s still a lot of ground to cover with… well, the three of you.”

“We can make it happen,” Garnet declared, standing up and beginning to glow. The light faded, leaving Ruby and Sapphire in its wake.

“One problem taken care of,” Sapphire said, looking at Amethyst and Connie. “Amethyst, you can shape shift until we get to the tunnels. That just leaves…”

“Me,” Connie said, shoulders drooping. Yellow and Blue looked her over critically before Blue finally stepped forward, resting her hands on Connie’s shoulders. “Um, what’re you—?”

There was no more time for questions; Blue drew her hands out, and a bubble formed around Connie. She yelped in surprise, losing her balance and barely catching herself to sit before she fell.

“Try not to move too much,” Blue cautioned, shrinking the bubble as small as she could and giving it a light tap — the translucent blue turned solid, hiding it from the view.

“Perfect!” Yellow said. “It’s a bit big for a normal bubble, but no one will question it, I’m sure. The amethyst can carry it once she’s the right size.”

“ _The amethyst_ is sitting right here,” Amethyst grumbled, glowing as her form grew. She bent down to pick up the bubble. “You okay, Connie?”

“Been better,” Connie admitted. “Been worse. I still have more room than I did that time Dad decided we were going to try and camping and he shoved all the equipment in the back of the car before realizing he forgot to make room for me.”

“Let’s get going,” Yellow said. “We need to return to our Diamonds as soon as possible.”

* * *

 

“Son of a…” White was grimacing and gasping as she leaned against the wall, clutching her side. It was still burning. “What did she _do_?”

 _I think we’re far enough away,_ Pearl said. _Let’s sit. You take a break, and I’ll take care of us_.

White nodded slowly, sliding to the floor, and Pearl resurfaced. She was shaky as she reached behind her, untying her bow and rolling up her shirt. Her breath caught when she saw what was waiting for her.

Cracks. Deep, long cracks, like a broken porcelain doll, ran around from her side to the back, almost exactly where White Diamond had touched her. _That’s not a coincidence_ , White said warily.

“No,” Pearl agreed. “You saw her form. Something is _wrong_ with her.”

 _She glitched when I stabbed her with the spear,_ White murmured. _She’s done something to herself. I guess it was only a matter of time before she started experimenting on her own form_.

“Stars,” Pearl mumbled, letting out a long breath and rolling her shirt back down. Tears filled her eyes. “We need to get out of here and find the others.”

 _We’re not going to be able to run around freely unless you want to shape shift. And I’m not sure we have the energy for that_.

Their body had taken a lot of damage, after all. _First things first_. Pearl bit down a groan, pushing herself up. _Let’s get out_ —

She froze, head snapping up slightly as footsteps reached her ears. White Diamond knew about these corridors, of course. It was entirely possible she had sent soldiers in to retrieve her. Larger gems would have a hard time fitting, but it was the perfect size for Rubies.

She crept to the corner, pressing herself against the wall. She waited until the footsteps were close and whipped around the corner, drawing her spear…

“ _Stars_!”

And nearly stabbed Yellow Pearl right through the chest.

“Pearl!” Connie said, ignoring the spear running forward to hug her. Her arms went around Pearl’s waist, brushing the cracks, and Pearl hissed in pain, reflexively pushing Connie away. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Pearl mumbled, dissipating her spear and looking at the group. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure if White sent anyone after me.”

“Are you okay?” Amethyst asked. “The Pearls told us what happened.”

“I’ll live.” Pearl gingerly tied her sash around herself again. Blue, Yellow, you two go back to your Diamonds.”

“Why?” Yellow protested, frowning. “And where are _you_ going?”

“To get Steven and figure out what to do next.” Pearl looked in the opposite direction of where the group had been coming from. “You two don’t need to be involved in this.”

Yellow and Blue Pearls exchanged long looks before turning back to their fellow gem. “Pink…”

“It’ll be fine.” Pearl gave them a small, uneasy smile. “Just get back to your courts and stay safe. Or as safe as you can be with those two, anyways.”

Blue was the first one to move, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Pearl’s neck, holding her tight. Yellow was immediately at her uninjured side to hold her as well. “Oh come on,” Pearl said with a weak laugh, wrapping her arms around them both. “Don’t make these seem so much like goodbye.”

“Just be safe,” Yellow muttered, stepping away. “Clod.”

“Please,” Blue added quietly.

“I will. We will. Now go.”

She waited until the nervous pair of Pearls were out of earshot before turning back to everyone else. “So, how bad is it?” Ruby asked grimly.

“Bad,” Pearl admitted. “I’m not sure if White Diamond is in denial about Steven, or if she’s just lost her mind. There’s something wrong with her. She doesn’t even have a solid form, she’s just… light. White stabbed her with the spear and it glitched her form. I don’t even know if she’s able to help us with the corruption problem. And if she were…”

“She probably wouldn’t,” Amethyst concluded. Pearl nodded. “You said we’re going to get Steven. You know where he is?”

“I have a guess.” Pearl nodded her in forward, and they started walking. “Pink Diamond was… a bit of a child, in the early days of her life. She threw temper tantrums and yelled and broke things and ran away just to show the other Diamonds up. She always ended up back in White’s palace, listening to a long lecture about how she had to demonstrate better behavior if she wanted to be treated as a proper Diamond. Then she was sent back to her court to basically sit in time-out.”

“So if White Diamond thinks Pink was just playing another one of her games…” Sapphire started slowly.

“Then she probably sent Steven to time-out,” Amethyst concluded.

“That’s what I’m hoping for,” Pearl said.


	22. When It All Falls Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Crystal Gems regroup, and come up with a plan. It's not perfect, but nothing ever is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to update again because a) yesterday's chapter was short and didn't have much in it, b) I have an idea for a sequelish type thing and it would be fun to start the year off on that, and c) .....I'm excited for reactions to the chapter, ngl.
> 
> That said.... trigger warning for death. Um.... enjoy?

Steven looked around curiously, trying not to panic too much. The gems would figure out where he was. Maybe they already knew. Maybe they were on their way.

In the mean time… he stood up, looking around. Wherever he was, it was very pink. _Very_ pink. Logic dictated that it was likely Pink Diamond’s palace. Pearl would probably know to come here, or would at least think to check it. He would be fine.

He hoped he could say the same for everyone else.

There wasn’t much in the palace. Little pink constellations dotted the ceiling, and it was adorable, but there was nothing to _do_. Pink Diamond must have been so bored if she was always stuck here. Steven wondered if Pearl told her stories.

There was an opening that looked out over Homeworld. Steven walked slowly to look out in amazement. They were on Homeworld. He was scared, and worried for the other gems and Connie, but this was still pretty amazing. Homeworld was… oddly beautiful. It was bright and colorful, and Steven could appreciate it.

He would have appreciated it a lot more if he wasn’t worried for White Diamond’s sanity. Did she _really_ think he was Pink Diamond? She hadn’t listened when he had tried to explain — denial or willful ignorance? He was a little afraid to find out.

A slight hissing noise got his attention, and he turned quickly, surprised when a previously unseen door slid open. His face split into a wide grin when he saw Ruby, Sapphire, Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie.

“Guys!”

He sprang off the ledge, running to them. Connie broke through first to get a hug. “Are you all okay?” Steven asked worriedly, looking at all of them.

“Yeah, we’re great,” Amethyst said hurriedly. “Can we do the reunion thing later, we need to get out of here—”

“No.”

The word was flat and monotone and clearly White Pearl. Amethyst scowled, turning to her. “Look, I know you’ve got your little revenge thing, and I’m sorry, but White Diamond sounds absolutely insane and I’m not—”

“While I would happily risk all of you to get my revenge,” White cut in coldly, “this isn’t what that’s about. White Diamond decided she wants Pink back on Homeworld. Us simply running away won’t do any good. She’ll send armies to bring _Pink_ back. She’ll attack Earth until Steven surrenders himself. Which shouldn’t be hard, given how easy it is to guilt him. If a put a blade to your gem right now he’d probably agree to stay without another thought.”

“Shut up,” Amethyst snapped irritably. “I’m really getting sick of you.”

“Knock it off, both of you,” Pearl interrupted before White could retort. “I don’t like this, either, but unfortunately, White’s right. We can’t just leave.”

“What are you suggesting, then?” Sapphire asked suspiciously. “We can’t fight White Diamond.”

“ _You_ can’t,” White mumbled before Pearl stepped back in.

“I’m not sure what the right course of action is,” she admitted. “But I know running away isn’t going to do any good this time. We can’t go back to Earth until we do something about White Diamond.”

Everything she and Pink Diamond had done had finally caught up to them — and of course, Rose wasn’t even here to help deal with it.

“Maybe I could try and talk to her?” Steven suggested timidly. “I mean, as a Diamond. She _did_ say ‘we’ have a lot of work to do.”

“White never took Pink Diamond seriously,” Pearl said, sighing. “I… can’t say I entirely blame her, Pink made it _hard_ to take her seriously unless you were made to serve her. Of course, all of her soldiers are being kept at the Zoo as guards or prisoners…”

“Jasper wasn’t,” Amethyst pointed out.

“Jasper was… _unique_. The Beta Kindergarten was built to fail — Pink did that on purpose when Blue and Yellow forced her to create more gems for the war. She purposely picked the worst possible place and messed everything up the best she could.” Pearl shook her head, sighing. “Neither of us ever understood how Jasper happened.”

“So Mom purposely tried to make defective gems?” Steven asked, frowning.

“She was hoping nothing would grow there at all. It was a ploy to buy time while she tried to figure out a way to end things peacefully. She never gave up on trying to make the other Diamonds see Earth’s beauty. Faking her shattering was meant to be a very last resort. She had hoped, if the Beta Kindergarten failed, maybe they would give up on Earth.”

“Sounds like she _hoped_ for a lot of things,” Amethyst said bitterly. Pearl sighed.

“None of this was meant to go as far as it did. She was in over her head. Both of us were.”

“If the Diamonds didn’t listen to Pink six thousand years ago, we have no reason to believe she’ll listen now,” Sapphire pointed out. “Even with Blue and Yellow supporting Steven, White’s going to do whatever she wants.”

“Why _can’t_ we fight White Diamond?” Ruby asked suddenly, looking around. “I mean, I know she’s stronger than us, but if we could just get the jump on her… we fought Blue and Yellow off, didn’t we?”

“There were more of us,” Sapphire said. “And the circumstances were different. This is White’s territory.”

“What if we could get Blue and Yellow on our side?” Connie asked. “They don’t seem overly thrilled with White Diamond. If all of us fought back…”

“Then what?” Pearl asked, raising an eyebrow. “We put the Homeworld matriarch in a bubble?”

“What happens on Homeworld has nothing to do with us,” Amethyst said. “ _We_ just want to go back to Earth and be left alone. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not all that interested in their politics.”

“That’s true,” Sapphire said unwillingly. “I hate the thought of working with Blue and Yellow Diamonds, if they’ll even listen to us, but if it’s our best chance to live in peace… Pearl, what does White think of all this? She’s being suspiciously quiet.”

“She’s debating if she can slip away alone and get back to White Diamond’s palace.” Pearl rolled her eyes.

“We know her opinion on White Diamond already,” Amethyst said. “What does everyone else think?”

“I think White’s right,” Sapphire said slowly. “White Diamond won’t just let us leave. She’ll follow us back to Earth, and do whatever she has to do to get what she wants. Running is a temporary answer.”

“I _really_ don’t want to spend any more time with Blue Diamond,” Ruby said through gritted teeth. “But I don’t think getting away is going to be that easy.”

“Same,” Connie said quietly. “I don’t want to fight her, she sounds terrifying. But I don’t want to lead her back to Earth, either.”

“We do have a small advantage,” White spoke up suddenly. “She’s gone and done… _something_ to herself. I have no idea what, but when I stabbed her with the spear, it glitched her form. She’s got another assassin Pearl as well, and I’m pretty sure this one isn’t thinking for herself too much. We’ll need to keep her distracted.”

“Steven and Connie can deal with the Pearl,” Pearl said. It gave everyone a bit of whiplash. “Whatever White Diamond did to herself, it also effects the forms of other gems. I don’t want to find out what it would do to a human.”

“Yeah, yeah.” White waved Pearl off. “Don’t worry, the little organics will be perfectly safe.”

“I’m not sure if that makes me feel better,” Connie whispered to Steven, who smiled despite himself.

“I trust her.”

* * *

“You want to _what_?”

Yellow Diamond’s incredulity was warranted, given the plan they had just proposed. The group had made its way through the tunnels, to Blue Diamond’s court, where they had explained their thoughts to her, and _she_ had called Yellow over to get her opinion.

“I am _not_ staging a rebellion on our own planet,” Yellow Diamond said stiffly. “There’s been quite enough of that.”

“You don’t have to fight,” Steven said. “Just… get us into her palace and distract her, and let us take care of everything else.”

“You realize what you’re asking, don’t you?” Blue Diamond asked. “We may not always agree with White Diamond, but she’s still one of us. To betray her would be…”

“Exactly what Pink did,” Yellow Diamond cut in. “And I’ve no interest in lowering myself to her level.”

“You still don’t understand why she did what she did!” Steven protested. “Yeah, it wasn’t great, but she wanted to protect Earth. If she were here, she’d fight back.”

“If she were here, we wouldn’t be _having_ this problem. All of this could have been prevented if—”

“If _you_ had listened to her instead of writing her off like you always did.” Everyone turned to look at Pearl in shock. Even she looked a little surprised at her own words. “I watched her try to reason with you over and over and over, and every single time, all you did was turn your backs on her. You didn’t care about anything she had to say. I can’t say I agreed with every single choice she made, but I watched her run through every option, and you left her with only one.”

Wide eyes stared at Pearl. She ignored them all and continued. “I’ve spent five-thousand years blaming myself for _everything_. If only I could have thought of a better way, if only I could have talked Pink Diamond out of it, if, if, _if_. But you know what? I’m not the only one who made mistakes. She did, and so did both of you. You want to make up for the mistakes you made? This is where you start.”

“How _dare_ you—” Yellow Diamond started to snarl, and Steven was certain she was about to stomp on Pearl.

“How dare I _what_?” Pearl snapped back. “Have an opinion because I’m a _pearl_? Deal with it. Staying quiet and ignoring the problem is what got all of us here in the first place. Things aren’t working the way they are now. So make a change.”

Steven was beaming, starry-eyed. Pearl standing up for herself to the Diamonds was probably the most amazing thing he had ever seen. Yellow and Blue Pearls were staring, mouths hanging open, at Pearl. Blue Diamond looked between Pearl and her yellow counterpart, not sure what to say, or if she should intervene.

“ _You_ have no idea what you’re talking about,” Yellow Diamond finally snapped.

“I helped _run_ the rebellion,” Pearl returned, scowling. “And I worked with Pink Diamond for three thousand years, watching you abuse her and treat her like dirt. I know _plenty_.”

“This doesn’t _have_ to be a fight,” Steven reminded everyone, looking around. “Maybe we can make White listen.”

“You’re delusional,” White Pearl muttered. “Look, all of this aside, you two have just as much responsibility in all this as anyone else is,” she informed the Diamonds coldly. “Even when you didn’t actively help, you sat back and let White Diamond do whatever she wanted. This is just as much your fault as it is hers. Get off your high horses and do something to fix the problem _you_ started.”

“You little—”

Yellow stormed forward, clearly intent on shattering Pearl, only to be stopped when Blue Diamond grabbed her arm, holding her back.

“They’re right, Yellow.”

An audible, confused noise went through the room. No one had expected that. “They’re _what_?” Yellow asked in disbelief.

“We’ve let White manipulate us. She knew Pink Diamond was alive, and she didn’t tell us. Before that, we never did anything to stop her, even when we thought she was wrong. We _are_ part of this problem.”

“Stars,” White Pearl mumbled, blinking. “Five-thousand years of mourning have done you a _lot_ of good.”

“This is ridiculous,” Yellow Diamond said, scowling. Steven looked up at her, shrugging.

“Welcome to the Crystal Gems?”

* * *

“So are they just going to knock on the front door?” Amethyst asked as they walked through the tunnels once more. Yellow and Blue Diamonds had gone to White’s palace above ground while the Crystal Gems made their way through the servants’ corridors.

“With everything that’s happened, it’s natural that Yellow and Blue would have questions for White,” Pearl said, keeping her eyes ahead. “Especially since she knew Pink Diamond was alive the entire time.”

They turned down a hall, and Pearl slowed slightly, her back straightening, her eyes narrowing. White had taken control. “Don’t let her touch you,” she said stiffly. “I’ve no interest in going back to Earth and explaining to anyone why one of you is dead.”

“So how are _we_ supposed to fight, then?” Ruby asked grumpily. “Garnet’s a close-range fighter. There’s only so much rocket fists can do.”

“Make good use of that third eye and watch the future, for one,” White replied. “If this turns into a fight, it’s going to be a mess.”

“Do you see it turning into a fight?” Connie asked Sapphire. She frowned, and sighed.

“I have no idea. Everything around her is fuzzy.”

“White Diamond wouldn’t create a gem that could predict her every move,” White said. “She knows how to fool Future Vision. _We’re_ the ones you have to watch out for.”

“If she’s so powerful, how in the world are we supposed to win?” Amethyst asked. “What exactly do you think _you’re_ going to do?”

“Shatter her, or die trying.”

“Hell no,” Amethyst shot back. “There’s no ‘or die trying.’ We want that body back in one piece, got it?”

White rolled her eyes. “I don’t take orders from an undercooked runt.”

Amethyst growled, her gem glowing as she reached for her whip. Steven grabbed her hand. “Come on, we don’t even know what’s going to happen when we get there. Yellow and Blue said they’d try to reason with her.”

“And do you see that going well for them?”

Steven grimaced. After what he had seen of White Diamond… no. He really didn’t.

They came to a dead-end, and White held up a hand. “I hate the servant halls,” she grumbled. “I never used them.”

“Ah, the docile servant to the rescue of the assassin,” Pearl replied lightly, stepping forward and bringing up a control pad on the wall. “How ironic.”

“Shut it.”

A small monitor came to life on the wall, showing White’s throne room. She was there, with Yellow and Blue; Pearl pressed another button for sound.

“— _you couldn’t tell us she was alive?”_ Yellow was in the middle of demanding.

“ _You didn’t need to know_ ,” White said simply. “ _I knew you wouldn’t agree with my punishment, and she needed to learn her lesson. I was growing tired of her games, but you both coddled her_.”

“ _And what if we had hurt her?_ ” Blue Diamond asked coldly.

“ _The corruption light was designed to hurt_ lesser _gems. It never would have hurt a diamond, even one as defective as Pink. I would never let any harm come to my Starlight_.”

“She hated that name,” Pearl mumbled. “Couldn’t hear the word without cringing after the war.”

“Didn’t Greg have a song called Starlight?” Amethyst whispered.

“Yeah. There’s a reason he only ever sang it once.”

“ _You lied to us,_ ” Yellow snapped. “ _How could you not trust us?_ ”

“ _You’ve hardly proven yourselves trustworthy. Even you two have turned against me, haven’t you? How long are you supposed to distract me before they come out of the wall and attack?_ ”

Dead silence. _She knew_.

“Pearl, open the door!” Steven whispered in a high-pitched voice, running forward to be the first out. Pearl grabbed him to keep him at her side before opening the door. The Diamonds turned to them, and White smiled sweetly.

“Ah, here they are. My shatterers, I guess you could say.”

“We don’t want to fight,” Steven said desperately. “Please, this isn’t why we came here. We need your help. All those gems on Earth, the ones who are corrupted and hurting — don’t you care at all about them?”

“Do you mean the traitors? Of course not.” Steven felt like there was ice in his veins. “They can be replaced. The only thing on Earth that wasn’t replaceable was you, Starlight.”

“I’m not Pink Diamond!” Steven shouted, losing his patience. “I’m _Steven_ , and no one is replaceable!”

A flash of movement caught his eye, and suddenly Pearl was in front of him, barely blocking the cracked Pearl as she attacked. “Now, now,” White Diamond said with an air of indifference. “You don’t need to hurt Pink, Pearl. Feel free to dispose of the rest, however. Except for your sister. I still have plans for her.”

There was a flash light behind them. “I think this is turning into a fight,” Garnet said, bringing her visor down. Pearl swung her sword, sending the cracked gem stumbling back.

“As much as I would love to fight for my honor against my replacement,” White said dryly, “I’ve got bigger plans.”

Connie quickly grabbed Steven’s hand. They had barely finished fusing before they were drawing their sword, jumping in to take White’s place against the other pearl. “Please,” Stevonnie tried to beg. “We don’t need to fight.”

“I think we’re passed that,” White muttered, storing the sword in her gem and drawing Pearl’s spear instead. Garnet and Amethyst summoned their own weapons, and White Diamond just looked down at them, amused, before looking to Blue and Yellow.

“And you two have already chosen sides, I assume?”

The Diamonds exchanged uncertain looks. “We were supposed to be your equals,” Blue finally said. “And in the end, you couldn’t even trust us. You lied to us, and you manipulated us. You _used_ us.”

White Diamond just smiled. “That’s that, then.” She held up a hand, and it began to crackle with white energy. “Which of you wants to die first?”

Blue recoiled, and Yellow stepped in front of her just slightly, face set. White Pearl scowled and reared back, throwing her spear. It went through her Diamond’s hand, and the gem screamed has her whole arm glitched for a moment.

“Did you just _save_ the Diamonds?” Amethyst asked in disbelief. White drew another spear, rolling her eyes.

“Trust me, I didn’t enjoy it.”

Stevonnie had managed to fight the cracked Pearl off, giving White a clear path to the Diamond. “Distract her. And don’t let her touch you.”

With that, she ran forward.

“Yes ma’am,” Amethyst muttered before jumping into a ball and spinning forward, straight up a wall. She uncurled when she was even with White Diamond’s nose and threw her whip as hard as she could. Garnet fired off her rocket fists at the same time, aiming for the Diamond’s chest, while White Pearl jumped and threw another spear, aiming right for the gem.

All three attacks landed, and White Diamond screeched, stumbling back. White Pearl landed on a pillar, already drawing a spear and preparing to attack again while the Diamond glitched… and then her form stabilized completely, and she straightened as if nothing had happened.

“ _What_?” The single word echoed around the room from Garnet, Amethyst, and somehow Pearl and White Pearl at the same time. Even Yellow and Blue looked stunned.

“Is that all, then?” White Diamond asked. The sound of swords clashing echoed below them — Stevonnie and the cracked Pearl still fighting.

 _How?_ White, for the first time, didn’t sound angry or arrogant. She sounded stunned. _How could she…?_

 _We’re missing something,_ Pearl said, frowning. _There’s some missing piece to all this. How is she sustaining that form? Our physical manifestations have to be solid, it’s what keeps us anchored. But she…_

Pearl seized control suddenly, catching White off guard; she launched herself off the pillar, straight at White Diamond, and buried the tip of the spear into the Diamond’s neck. White’s form glitched repeatedly as she tried to grab Pearl.

“Get off me, _get off_ —!”

Pearl took a deep breath and kicked straight down at White’s neck. Her foot hit resistance for the briefest moment, electricity shooting up her leg, then went straight through.

An explosion of light blinded everyone for a moment, and Pearl was quite abruptly thrown off White Diamond. She was completely disoriented, trying to think through pain and right herself. Thank god for Garnet, she thought deliriously as the fusion jumped to catch her.

 _Congratulations_ , White said distantly. _You managed to come up with a plan that was too suicidal even for me_.

“What the _hell_?” Amethyst demanded as Garnet landed beside her, carefully setting Pearl on her feet. Her right foot burned when she tried to put her weight on it, and she quickly grabbed Garnet’s arm to hold herself steady.

“That’s not her real physical form,” Pearl said, glaring up at the Diamond. “She can manipulate to be physical as she needs it to be, but when it’s put under too much pressure, it gives. She’s just light. It’s like… like a picture without an outline. She’s just spilling out of her gem and keeping a vague form.”

“Oh, very smart.” White Diamond sounded almost pleased. “I’m glad to see that new personality I gave you wasn’t a complete waste.”

“How?” Garnet sounded stunned. “That shouldn’t be possible.”

“She experimented with gems and manipulating physical forms for years,” White Pearl murmured, frowning. “She created the corruption light, and used the other Diamonds to amplify its power.”

“White.” The shock was clear in Yellow Diamond’s voice. “What did you _do_ to yourself?”

White Diamond smiled proudly. “I’ve transcended the need for a physical form, of course.”

“But if the song was too much for her to handle, she could have overloaded herself,” White Pearl continued, barely paying attention to what the Diamond was saying.

“She could have destroyed her own physical form,” Pearl cut in. “Her gem was saved, but she couldn’t create her own form anymore.”

“She shattered her pearl and left Homeworld,” White continued, remembering what Blue and Yellow Pearls had said on the beach in what felt like another lifetime. “She shattered her pearl…”

“She wouldn’t waste a pearl like that. She’d want to use it for something.”

“Anyone going to let us in on what’s happening?” Amethyst asked impatiently. Pearl looked up at the shining diamond, face set.

“White Diamond doesn’t have a physical form, but she can’t exist outside of her gem without one… unless she’s found a way to link herself to another gem, and use _its_ power to project her light self. Something she would keep close by at all times. Something no one would suspect, something like… like…”

Her expression slowly fell as the realization set in. “Like a Pearl,” Garnet said quietly. Pearl whirled to look back at the cracked gem, still fighting Stevonnie. She looked slowly between that pearl, and White Diamond.

“You didn’t,” she breathed.

“I made a few modifications,” White Diamond said with a smile. “Of course, there’s only so much one pearl can do on her own. It makes the form rather unstable. Now if I had several more…”

“You erased her.” Even White Pearl sounded stunned and horrified. “Except instead of replacing her with a new personality, you just poured your own energy into her.”

“You make it sound simple.” White Diamond sighed. “I suppose I can’t expect you to understand the elegance of my idea. It took so much time, and I couldn’t let my planet see me in that condition, of course… I had to come back early, though. Blue and Yellow were gone, and I needed more gems to make myself presentable. It was the perfect opportunity.”

 _She destroyed her pearl’s mind_ …

 _She_ violated _her_ …

There was really no way to know who was in control of Pearl’s body as she drew her sword, and ran forward, so fast she was a blur. She wasn’t aiming for White Diamond, however — her sights were set on the pearl.

“ _No!_ ”

Stevonnie staved off another attack, drawing their shield, but before they could swing again, a blur had slammed into the cracked Pearl, a blade running through her so hard that it went in her left side and out her right. Stevonnie stared, mouth hanging open.

“How _dare you_!” White Diamond sound angry for the first time as she swung a hand down, but a pair of rocket fists knocked it off course. White Pearl cut the sword through the cracked Pearl, and her gem dropped to the ground. She raised her sword above her head before Stevonnie could stop her. and swung it down, driving the tip right through the gem.

A hideous shriek filled the room. White whirled to see her Diamond glitching and flashing as the link keeping her tethered to the world shattered. Pearl took over and dropped to her knees, eyes locked on the shattered gem.

 _I’m so sorry_.

White looked at the Diamond again, just in time to see her form explode, a final bolt of errant energy firing off like an aftershock — coming straight toward them.

She didn’t think. She didn’t stop to consider that Steven might have been able to protect them, that his shield might have held up. It was White Diamond. It wasn’t safe to assume.

She simply pushed herself up to make sure she took the full brunt of the blast.

It felt like burning, like a fire right at the very core of her gem, so intense she couldn’t even scream. It only took a moment for the energy to consume her, but it very well could have been a lifetime.

And the world fell apart.

Stevonnie watched, wide-eyed as Pearl took the blow for them, her entire body shaking and seizing for the briefest moment before disappearing in an unsettling snap of light…

And two pieces of gem fell to the ground.

“ _ **PEARL**_!”

No one in that room, for as long as they lived, would forget Steven’s heart-wrenching scream as he and Connie came apart, and he immediately flew forward, scooping the pieces into his hand.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, _no_ …”

Amethyst felt completely hollow. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally managing to croak, “Garnet?” No answer. “Garnet, please say something.”

Nothing. She turned and saw tears slipping down from Garnet’s visor.

Connie shakily approached Steven, tears in her eyes, and collapsed behind him, holding him tight. He leaned over the pieces of the gem as he cried, not caring that his tears were stitching it back together. It didn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter if he fixed the gem.

Pearl was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flees*


	23. Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems, Steven, and Connie try to move forward without Pearl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all get this early because I'm spending all of tomorrow playing Smash Brothers. I make good life choices.

_**Day One** _

Steven and Connie slept most of the first day back. They curled up on the couch together, close enough for their hands to brush as they slept. Steven clutched Pearl’s gem in his other hand. Not even Bismuth punching the sandy ground stirred them.

“ _Damn it_!”

“Bismuth, shush!” Garnet said. “The kids are sleeping.”

“I should have come.” Bismuth was shaking, tears in her eyes. “I should have been there. I should have—”

“There was nothing we could do,” Garnet said, phasing her visor away. “It was always a possible future… and it was the path Pearl took.”

“The path _Pearl_ took, or the path _White_ took?” Amethyst asked. Garnet shook her head.

“I don’t think there was a difference, in the end.”

A collection crew from Homeworld had come back with them to gather the remains of Yellow’s ship. They watched the crew work, half guarding them, mostly just needing something else to focus on. Bismuth was still shaking. Garnet’s gaze was impossibly sad. Amethyst felt numb. Even Peridot and Lapis were shaken by the news that Pearl was never coming back.

“What are we going to do without her?” Amethyst asked finally.

“We’ll just… have to figure out a way to deal with things, right?” Peridot asked quietly. “I mean, we can’t bring her back.”

“What are you going to do with her gem?” Lapis added, then winced. “Sorry, that’s a bit morbid…”

Garnet shook her head. “We used to bubble shards during the war. With Rose’s healing powers, we thought maybe the bubble would have some effect. It didn’t, of course. Bubbling Pearl’s gem feels wrong, though.”

“We bubble things to keep them from getting out,” Amethyst said bitterly. “There’s no point. Anyways, Steven won’t let go of her gem right now. He held it the entire way home.”

A car pulled up on the beach, and Connie’s parents were jumping out and running to the house before it had even fully stopped.

Connie and Steven jerked awake as the door flew open. “Mom, Dad!” Connie immediately vaulted off the couch and over the table, running to her parents. They both caught her in a tight hug, a tangle of arms and whispers. She had been crying when she had left messages on both their phones. No doubt that had fueled their panic.

“What happened?” Priyanka asked, pulling away to look at Connie, who was scrubbing her eyes. “Were you hurt?”

“No, I…” Connie sniffed, looking back at Steven, who in turn looked down at Pearl’s gem. “I’m fine. Pearl… Pearl saved us.”

Connie’s parents looked at the gem as well. It was Priyanka who understood first. “She isn’t…?” Connie nodded, tears slipping down her cheeks. “Oh sweetheart.” Connie was immediately pulled back in for a hug. “I’m so sorry. I know how much she meant to you.”

Steven held the gem tighter, tears filling his own eyes as he stared at it. He had healed the pieces… but he couldn’t bring her back. Nothing would bring her back.

_**Day Four** _

“So her room is basically a lot of water… you have to be really careful, there’s a trick to stepping on it…”

Peridot yelped as she went straight through a pillar of water. She waved her arms to get herself back to the surface, and Amethyst had to struggle not to laugh. “Pearl always said something about feeling like you were part of the water… I don’t know, I think she just made it easier for us so we wouldn’t complain about getting soaked every time we came in.”

“It’s not too bad,” Lapis said thoughtfully, landing on the edge of another pillar and sitting. “Are you sure it’s not… I don’t know, too soon?”

Amethyst shrugged. “Maybe don’t go around yelling about taking over Pearl’s room or anything, but… you guys need a place to hang out so we’re not always in each other’s business. And I don’t think Pearl would mind. The only person who might get mad right now is…”

Lapis and Peridot exchanged looks as Amethyst’s voice drifted off. “Is Steven ever coming back?” Peridot finally asked.

“Yeah, of course. This is his home. I think he just needs some serious Dad time right now. Pearl was like… Super Mom to him.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Lapis asked.

“I don’t think so. Everyone’s just kind of dealing in their own way. If he needs to spend a few days with Greg to deal then… let him do his thing. He’ll be back when he’s ready. And it’s not like he’s that far away.”

_**Day Six** _

_We should have known. How could we not know?_

“Hey.”

Garnet tilted her head slightly to the sound of Amethyst’s voice. They were out on the cliff — Garnet had retreated out there hours earlier, needing the fresh air, and the absence of reminders. Amethyst flopped down next to her, sighing heavily. They sat in silence for a long moment.

“What was the last thing you said to her?” Amethyst asked suddenly, looking up at Garnet. “Like, to _her_ , not to White.”

Garnet sifted through her memories, trying to find the answer; she shook her head after a minute. “I don’t remember. Everything was chaos.”

“Yeah.” Amethyst looked out to the ocean. “Garnet?”

“Hm?”

“Is this what it felt like after the corruption, too?”

Amethyst’s tone was so small and sad. Garnet wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. “A bit, yes.”

Amethyst curled into Garnet’s side, tears filling her eyes. She was trying to be strong for Steven, and for Lapis, Peridot, and Bismuth. But it hurt.

And Garnet didn’t need her to be strong.

“I just keep thinking… that maybe she’ll come back, you know? There’ll be some miracle, and she’ll be here, and everything will be okay. But I know it won’t. She’s _gone_. Like, really, really gone. At least when Rose died, we got Steven. But all we have left of Pearl is her stupid, empty gem. She’s not coming back. She’s never gonna nag me about eating the dishes or help Steven clean his room or get that smug look on her face when she’s right. Opal, Sardonyx, and Alexandrite are all just _gone_. God, this is just like her. She runs off and does something stupid and leaves us on the hook for consequences. She’s so stupid and selfish, she… she… argh!”

Amethyst yelled in frustration, scrubbing her eyes with the back of her arm. Garnet didn’t say anything; there were tears rolling down her cheeks as well, though. “It’s only been six days,” Amethyst whispered after a moment. “How are we supposed to get through the rest of our lives like this?”

“I don’t know,” Garnet admitted. She couldn’t see the future right then. “We’ll find a way, though. She’d want us to find a way.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Amethyst sighed, slumping completely into Garnet. “I know.”

_**Day Ten** _

Things were always a little tight in the van when Steven slept over. He was small enough still that they made it work, but Greg always ended up with a foot in his rib.

There was no foot tonight, though. Steven wasn’t asleep. “Schtuball?” Greg said quietly. He knew Pearl was gone, and that Steven hadn’t let go of her gem since they’d come back. The poor kid was doing his best to act normal, but it was hard to miss the way his shoulders slumped when he thought no one looking. Greg hadn’t wanted to push him too much since he’d come by the car wash and asked to stay for a few days.

But tonight, Steven wasn’t sleeping. And if Greg listened hard enough, he could hear a slight sniffling. “Steven…” He sat up, adjusting himself to sit against the closed van doors and next to Steven. “Talk to me, bud. Please.”

Steven was silent for a long time, and Greg was sure he wasn’t going to answer. “It’s all my fault,” he finally said, voice thick with tears. “I was the one who made us go to Homeworld, and I was the one who wasn’t fast enough and I was the one she… she…”

His voice dissolved into muffled sobs. Greg wrapped him up in his blanket, pulling him into a hug. He didn’t need to see Steven’s hands to know he was still holding Pearl’s gem. “It’s not your fault,” Greg said quietly. “Pearl would’ve done anything for you. You know that.”

“I never _wanted_ her to!” Steven cried harder, not even trying to stop. He was tired of pretending to be okay. “The other gems must hate me. I took away Mom, I took away Pearl… I keep ruining everything!”

“Hey.” Greg’s voice was gentle but firm as he pulled back to look down at Steven’s tear-streaked face. “You have _never_ ruined anything. Okay? Your mother made a choice, and she decided she wanted you. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl respected that, even if they had a hard time dealing with it. And they _never_ blamed you for it. They loved you. _Pearl_ loved you, once she came around. She read like… two hundred baby books in a week and started commenting every time she saw me doing something that might hurt you. And let me tell ya, after she took you out of my arms for the tenth time in one day, I started to get a little annoyed.” He chuckled. “But she was trying. And we reached an agreement until you could hold your head up on your own. She was all fussed about making sure the house was ready and perfect when you moved in, and finding out food expired was the biggest annoyance in the entire universe as far as she was concerned.” That almost got Greg a smile. “I guarantee she wouldn’t be sorry about saving you, if you could talk to her.”

Steven sighed, wiping his eyes with one hand. The other hand was still wrapped around Pearl’s gem, of course. “I keep thinking maybe she’ll come back,” he whispered.

“Maybe you should find something else to do with her gem,” Greg suggested gently. Steven shook his head.

“I guess,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what, though. I mean… I don’t think gems have funerals.”

And there had been nothing left of Rose, save, of course, for Steven. Greg was no help there. “Go home in the morning,” he said. “Ask Garnet and Amethyst. I’ll come with you, if you want.”

Steven looked up, his tears shimmering in the moonlight flooding the van. “Please?” He said. Greg hugged him tight.

“You don’t even have to ask.”

_**Day Eleven** _

Greg sat on the stairs, watching Garnet, Amethyst, and Steven, who were on the couch. Pearl’s gem was on the coffee table.

“Man, I don’t know.” Amethyst sighed, dropping her head in her hands. “Do gems have like, funerals and all that?”

“Not typically, no,” Garnet replied.

“It’d be nice to have something we could visit,” Steven said quietly.

“Why? It’s not like it’s ever going to make us feel any better.”

“Amethyst,” Garnet said gently. Amethyst sighed, scrubbing her eyes.

“Sorry Ste-man. It’s just…”

“I know,” Steven said. “It’s okay.”

“Nah, I shouldn’t take my stuff out on you. Don’t say it’s okay.”

“Well…” Steven looked back at the gem. “We don’t have to make a choice right now. It’s not like it’s going anywhere. We could just… put her on the poof pillow until come up with an idea.”

“Sucks to drag it out,” Amethyst muttered. She didn’t want to look at Pearl’s gem every day be reminded of their failures. Of _her_ failures.

“I think we can wait for now,” Garnet said. “It’s not hurting anyone if we take some time. It’s just a gem. And we should all agree on what we want to do.”

Amethyst and Steven nodded. She was right. This was a big deal. They had lost a lot of friends over the years.

But they’d never had to _bury_ one.

_**Day Thirteen** _

Garnet was sitting in the arena, watching Connie practice and feeling particularly useless.

_I don’t know anything about swords._

_A_ _l_ _l I know is Pearl can make them feel like baseball bats when she hits you with one_. Ruby paused. _Could. Could make them feel._

There was a pause, then a flash of light as they unfused, needing comfort that could only be found in separate bodies as they hugged each other. “She can’t be gone,” Ruby whispered, burying her face in Sapphire’s hair. “It’s not _fair_.”

“I know.” Sapphire wiped her own tear away. “I should have seen this coming. I should have done _something_. I…”

Ruby’s arms tightened around Sapphire. “We can’t blame ourselves,” she said. “Just like after the war, remember? We said the exact same things, and Rose said—”

“Rose said if we spend every single moment dwelling on what we could have done and should have done, then we won’t have time to dwell on the things we did do, and the things we can still do,” Sapphire said quietly. “Do you think she was saying that to us, Pearl, or herself?”

“Yes,” Ruby said quietly. It had been for all of them. She just knew it.

Connie paused to take a breath, looking back at Garnet — or rather, Ruby and Sapphire, who were holding each other. She felt weird, being out here alone. Steven hadn’t wanted to join her in training, and she didn’t blame him. She hardly wanted to be there herself, if she was honest. But the alternative was sitting at home while her mother alternated between fussing over her and fondly recalling times she and Pearl had spent together. They had been weird, odd friends, but Connie wasn’t surprised. They _were_ a lot alike.

“Hey!” Ruby’s voice snapped Connie out of her reverie. “Aren’t you supposed to be training? Or do you need a target?”

“Ruby!” Sapphire scolded wife, laughing slightly, as Ruby hopped up and ran across the arena. She would have stopped, of course, if Connie hadn’t been prepared. But the girl swung her sword up easily, blocking the blow, and she giggled despite herself while Ruby grinned.

“Come and get me,” she teased before running off, and Connie ran after her.

_**Day Seventeen** _

The day of Steven’s fifteenth birthday came and went with very little fanfare. They did a cake, and they sang happy birthday, and they sat out on the beach while Greg barbecued. But they all knew something was missing.

They were sitting out on the beach now, watching the water or eating hot dogs or both. The sand had been cleaned of all ship debris. It was like nothing had ever happened.

“Do you remember,” Bismuth said suddenly, “that Emerald who came along and offered to replace Pearl because she was clearly a poor bodyguard?”

Garnet snickered, smirking. “Poor thing didn’t know what hit her.”

“Wait, what happened?” Amethyst asked. Garnet looked at Bismuth, who grinned.

“So, you all know Pearls aren’t particularly respected on Homeworld. Every now and again, we’d get a new recruit who decided they didn’t _want_ to respect Pearl. She was just a servant, they could tell her to do whatever they wanted.”

“I already know where this is going,” Peridot muttered, rubbing her cheek.

“It’s even better than you think,” Garnet said. “See, back in those days, Pearl had Rose backing her up, and that was enough to get most gems to back off. So for the most part, Pearl let the comments wash off her until the others got the clue and stopped. And for those who didn’t…”

“They got to go to the field.” Bismuth laughed.

“What’s the field?” Connie asked, leaning forward, cake forgotten.

“It’s where all the stubborn gems went to learn why no one messed with Pearl,” Bismuth said. “Anyways, this Emerald, she decided she wanted to get in good with Rose and offered to replace her defective Pearl. Pearl is sharpening her sword, right next to Rose, says nothing. Rose already looks amused, and the rest us know where this is going. She says Emerald has to _earn_ that position by beating Pearl in a fight. Emerald laughs because beating a pearl? Really? That sounds cruel. But she takes the challenge, and we’re all off to the field while I get the betting pool going.”

“Pearl was always exceedingly patient with these gems,” Garnet said fondly. “I think she enjoyed messing with their heads. She just stood there, sword sheathed, while the Emerald taunted her about being too afraid to fight. She forced Emerald to take the first move. What was her weapon? A war hammer?”

“I think, something like that,” Bismuth said. “Emerald goes at Pearl, swings her hammer… and hits the ground. Pearl lands a few feet away. Repeat. Emerald gets annoyed, talks about how Pearl is just dodging and probably doesn’t even know how to use that sword. Pearl lets her keep going. Finally after… fifteen minutes, I think, Pearl decides she’s bored, draws her sword, disarms Emerald, puts her down, and presses the tip of her sword against Emerald’s back in the span of five seconds or so. And Rose says ‘if you’re particularly fond of that form, I would surrender.’”

“Not that Pearl would ever hurt anyone in training,” Garnet added. “Rose liked saying that for shock value. Emerald surrendered and groveled a bit, and as we’re all going back to camp…”

“Rose says, ‘Pearl isn’t my bodyguard, by the way. I protect the rest of you from her.’” Bismuth laughed. “Anyone who knew Pearl knew she was a big softy, but she put on a face for the rest of the rebellion. I think the two of us, Rose, and maybe two other gems were the only ones who ever saw her laugh in a rebellion of hundreds.”

“So what you’re saying,” Steven said slowly, “is that Peridot is lucky Pearl _only_ punched her?”

“Peridot got off easy, yes,” Garnet said. Peridot rubbed her cheek again.

“Oh, oh.” Amethyst spoke up, bouncing a bit. “Remember when you guys found me?”

“You mean when you found us by dropping onto Pearl’s head and she shrieked?” Garnet asked. Steven nearly choked on his hamburger. He’d never heard that story.

“You _dropped_ on Pearl’s _head_?”

“I was aiming for Rose, but she moved, and Pearl was still there and… what, was I supposed to hit the ground?” Amethyst shrugged.

“ _And_ you were covered in mud,” Garnet added. “Pearl wanted to leave you there.”

“Eh, she loved me.” Amethyst waved Garnet off.

“Rose used to swear to me all the time that Pearl was one of the kindest, sweetest, gentlest gems in the universe,” Greg said with a snort. “Took twenty years for me to see that side of her. I think she threatened me once.”

“You _think_?” Lapis asked. “How can you not know something like that?”

“Well…” Greg tapped his chin. “See, I was coming by to pick up Rose for a date, and Pearl was sitting on the warp pad with one of her swords, cleaning it, calm as can be. And I was well aware she didn’t like me, and she probably _knew_ I was coming, and made the choice to sit out there with a sword and be the first thing I saw when I came around. Rose was in her room, so I just sat on a rock and waited. And then Pearl says,” he paused, cleared his throat, and did his best Pearl impression, “have you ever used a sword Mr. Universe?”

Amethyst snorted while Steven and Connie giggled. “And I said no, of course I haven’t, I’m a musician in the eighties, not some knight who lives in a castle. And she got all quiet again, still cleaning that blade, and god Rose was taking a long time. Then she asked if Rose had told me anything about the war, and I said I knew a little. She held up the sword, looked at it, and said with a completely straight face, ‘I can’t even begin to tell you how many trained soldiers I killed with this sword.’ Then Rose walked out and Pearl stood up, wished Rose a good night, and walked into her room.”

“ _Yeesh_ ,” Peridot said, grimacing. “I’m starting to think I got off lucky.”

“I swear she took twenty years off my life.” Greg chuckled. “Must have looked it, too. Rose asked if I was okay, and I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I definitely asked if Pearl _really_ knew how to use a sword.”

“What’d she say?”

“Said Pearl was the best sword fighter she’d ever met, no competition. I waited in my van on the beach after that.”

“Pearl sounds terrifying when you guys talk about her like that,” Connie said, laughing. “My mom _loved_ her once she got over the sword fighting thing. They had tea together a couple times. She thought it was great how Pearl was so careful and organized and literally had an entire first-aid kit in her head. I think they might have been friends.”

“Pearl friends with a human…” Amethyst tapped her chin. “Nope, can’t see it.”

“I swear, I got home from school once and they were sitting on the couch drinking tea,” Connie said. “It was _weird_.”

A small laugh went around the group. It was nice, Steven thought, watching everyone. There hadn’t been much laughter lately. And telling stories about Pearl seemed like the best way to spend his birthday.

“I didn’t know her as well as you all did,” Peridot said quietly. “I took too long to get over the Homeworld prejudices. I’m sorry for that. I… thought there’d be more time.”

“Yeah, I don’t particularly have any stories with her beyond being stuck in a mirror in her gem for five thousand years,” Lapis added. “We talked about that, ya know, after I reformed. I hate to say what she said made sense, but… I guess if you spend a thousand years fighting a war against Homeworld, you’re going to be pretty paranoid when you find a mysterious gem that you _know_ wasn’t on your side.”

“Rose fought with her over that,” Garnet said. “She kept saying you deserved a chance, but Pearl’s paranoia after the war was pretty bad.”

Lapis nodded slowly. “Yeah. It’s not great, but I get it. Can’t say I wouldn’t have acted the same way. I mean, someone said Diamond and I bailed. So I get it. And she apologized. I was hoping… I mean, you know, she had a lot of baggage from the war. I wanted to talk to her, maybe figure out a better way to deal than run away all the time.”

“Oh, Pearl did plenty of that, too,” Garnet said. “But she came back. That’s the important part. Always come back.”

Lapis nodded slowly, and Steven thought of the gem sitting in a basket next to his bed.

 _Always come back_.

_**Day Thirty** _

“What if we bury her in Mom’s garden at the fountain?”

The rest of the gems looked at Steven. “Pearl?” Amethyst guessed. Steven nodded.

“I think she’d like that. I know gems don’t really… go anywhere when they’re gone, but being close to part of Mom like that…” He shrugged, his voice trailing off.

“I think she’d like it, too,” Bismuth said quietly.

“I agree,” Garnet added, and Amethyst nodded.

“Maybe Dad and Connie can come, too?” Steven continued. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be a big deal, but… we’re saying goodbye.”

“It’s a good idea,” Amethyst said. It was time for them to let go. Pearl wasn’t coming back.

They needed to move on.

_**Day Thirty-Five** _

“Mom asked me to leave flowers,” Connie said quietly as she walked in. “I think the idea of magical teleporting freaked her out, so she made up a work emergency.”

“It’s okay,” Steven said, hugging Connie. “The flowers are nice.” Roses, of course. Steven wondered how much Connie’s mother knew about Rose Quartz.

“That’s everyone, then,” Garnet said. “Warp pad will be a bit tight. Might be better to go in groups.”

“Probably,” Steven said, looking around at the assembled group. Connie had worn a navy-blue dress, and Greg had dug up one of the only nice sweaters he owned. Steven hadn’t been able to think of anything he could change — his tux was far too formal for this, and he wanted to leave that associated with his happy memories. In the end, he’d settled on one of his sweaters — the blue one with stars.

Garnet took Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot to the fountain with Steven (who had Pearl’s gem in the basket), Amethyst, Connie, and Greg following.

“Oh wow,” Greg said quietly. He, Connie, Lapis, and Peridot had never seen the fountain.

“You like that?” Bismuth said with a grin, jerking a thumb at the statue. “I made it. She just said make something water could fall out of but I uh… guess I went a little overboard.”

“The look on her face when she saw it…” Garnet shook her head. “Pearl and I had to leave because we couldn’t stop laughing.”

Steven, Garnet, and Amethyst had come by the day before to pick out a spot for Pearl, and had dug the small hole in front of a rose bush so they didn’t have to do it with everyone else waiting. Tears stung Steven’s eyes as he approached, and one hand dropped from the basket to take Connie’s hand. She squeezed back, and Steven saw tears in her eyes as well.

They stood around the bush for a moment, all trying to figure out what to say. “Steven,” Garnet finally prompted quietly. He had wanted to be the one to lay her to rest. He nodded and dropped Connie’s hand, kneeling down in front of the hole and scooping Pearl’s gem up carefully.

“Goodbye,” he whispered, squeezing it for a moment before lowering it toward the hole.

And then it began to glow.

“Ah!” Steven yelped, accidentally dropping the gem in his haste to jump backwards. Connie grabbed him before he could topple over, and everyone stared as Pearl’s gem slowly rose into the air. “W-What—”

Light formed around it for a long moment before finally taking Pearl’s shape and dispersing. Same peachy hair, same teal leotard and peach leggings and sash…

“Pearl?” Steven wasn’t the only one to gasp out her name in a high-pitched voice. Her feet touched the ground, and she stood for the barest second before pitching forward with a groan.

“Pearl!”


	24. Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens after the end?

Pearl had never thought much about what it would be like to shattered. It was a depressing thought, and not worth the time that would have been better spent thinking about anything else, really.

She had imagined it during the war, though — it was hard _not_ to think about it then. She had imagined the burning pain she would feel, the scream that would leave her lips right before her body disappeared forever.

She hadn’t expected to end up in a large white room.

“What the…?”

Pearl looked around, frowning, her eyes falling on White, standing a few feet away and looking just as confused. “What’s going on?” She asked, as if her counterpart might somehow know.

“No idea. We _did_ get shattered, right?”

“You did,” a wonderfully familiar voice said. “But that doesn’t have to be the end.”

Pearl whirled, stunned, as Rose Quartz approached. “ _Rose._ ” Tears filled Pearl’s eyes. Rose smiled sadly.

“My Pearl. It’s so good to see you.”

There was no point in resisting the urge to run to Rose. Pearl nearly flew across the space separating them, throwing her arms around Rose and holding her tight. Rose returned the hug with such enthusiasm, she lifted Pearl off the ground.

“Not that this reunion isn’t touching,” White said dryly, “but I do think we have bigger problems right now, Pearl.”

“We’re dead,” Pearl said, releasing Rose and turning back to White. “What problems could we possibly have?”

“Well,” Rose cut in thoughtfully. “You’re not dead _yet_. Not really.”

“What?” Both Pearls looked at her now.

“Steven healed your gem — it wasn’t shattered so much as broken into a couple of big pieces. That’s how I’m able to be here. It’s temporary, but there’s… always a little bit of me in whatever powers Steven uses.”

“Really?” Pearl took a moment to turn the thoughts over in her head, and Rose smiled.

“Sometimes I can see what’s happening when he uses his shield. He’s come so far. All of you have.”

“Again, touching.” White was starting to get impatient. “But how does any of this _help_ us? You healed broken gems before, but the mind was gone. They never came back, and eventually the gem began to fall apart again.”

“Yes,” Rose said slowly. “That’s true. But you have something those gems didn’t.”

“And what’s that?”

“Two separate minds.” The Pearls exchanged looks. “I figured it out. The problem was that when a gem was broken, it essentially lost all power. The conscious mind still existed, for a brief time, but in order to reform, it had to give up its mind to re-power the gem, which left nothing to make a physical form. Conversely, they could have used their power to reform, but there would have been nothing to power gem, which would have left the form as an empty shell.”

Pearl winced at the description, grimacing slightly. “So what you’re saying,” White summarized slowly, “is that one of can give up our ability to have a physical form to re-power the gem.”

“It’s… more than that,” Rose said slowly, sadly. “You wouldn’t just be giving up your physical form. You’d be giving up your presence completely. There’d only be one conscious mind left in the gem. One mind to control the body.”

Silence followed that declaration. “Okay,” White said. “Rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to live?”

“This isn’t a joke, White,” Pearl said quietly, her eyes still fixed on Rose. “There has to be another way…”

Her voice drifted off as Rose shook her head. “I wish there was,” she said. “I wish I could save both of you, I really do. I know Steven loves you both. Yes, even you,” she added, amused, when White snorted. “He seems to have a thing for gems who think they’re heartless.”

“Can you… feel what he feels?” Pearl asked. God, she had _so many questions_. She could finally get answers to things they had wondered for years! The thought almost made her dizzy with excitement. Rose smiled, sitting and patting the floor beside her. Pearl immediately joined her, and White sat grudgingly. She didn’t want to admit she was interested in the answers as well.

“I wasn’t able to feel anything for a long time. I don’t remember much of that, honestly. It could have been a few days or twenty years. The first time he manifested his shield, though…” Rose smiled fondly. “It was like being born all over again. He was so _happy_ , and I could hear all of you in the background. It was such a small glimpse, but hearing him happy, hearing all of you and knowing you were still okay… I could have lived with only ever getting that.

“Then it happened again, the first time he healed someone — I saw him out on the cliff, sitting with Connie and telling her the story about my fountain. He loves her so much.” Rose laughed. “I hope he tells her someday. Their first fusion was… incredible. He _fused_. With a human!”

“Like mother, like son,” Pearl murmured. Not that Rose had ever successfully fused with Greg, but she had admitted later she wished it had worked.

Rose smiled. “He’s growing up so well. You three are doing a great job with him. You know he thinks of you as his mother, right?”

Pearl blushed, ducking her head. “Oh, that’s ridiculous. All I do is clean up and nag him—”

“And worry over him and help him with his problems and watch over him while he sleeps like the overly anxious mother you are,” Rose teased, and Pearl’s shoulders hunched up even as she smiled. “He loves all of you, of course, but there’s something special between you and him. He’s been so worried about you through all of this.”

“I know,” Pearl said quietly. “I hate scaring him.”

And now she was about to do something even worse. She looked up at Rose for a long minute, tears in her eyes. And Rose knew she’d already made her decision. “Oh, my Pearl,” she murmured, fingers brushing against Pearl’s cheek. Pearl smiled, wiping her eyes before finally turning to look at White.

“It was your body first. And you’ve already been forced to give up enough of your life. I won’t take the rest of it away from you.”

She was surprised when White kept her eyes on the ground, her hands folded in her lap, giving no indication that she felt anything at all about Pearl’s decision. “Did it ever occur to you,” she said slowly, “that I have no interest in continuing to live?”

Pearl’s mouth fell open. “ _What_? All of this has been _because_ you wanted to live!”

“No,” White said. “It was because I wanted to see White Diamond die. My life has never served a purpose beyond killing for her. And after all that, she tried to erase me. I resented her, I resented _you_ , and I wanted revenge. With the way things stand now… I won’t be getting that. There’s no other reason for me to continue existing.”

The way she said, analytical and cold, like she was talking about the weather, made Pearl’s heart ache. “White…”

“I don’t care about Earth the way you do. I’m not capable of it. I don’t care about the Crystal Gems, or Steven. Why would I want to be stuck with them? Why would I want to stay on this planet which means nothing to me? I don’t have a purpose anymore. I don’t have a reason to keep living.”

The tears in Pearl’s eyes started to spill over. She didn’t bother hiding it. “There’s always a reason. You can find another one.”

“Earth has no need for an assassin gem. The Crystal Gems _certainly_ have no need for me. It’s ironic that my very last act will be to _give_ someone life rather than take it away, but…” She shrugged. “The universe has been screwing with me since the day I formed. I shouldn’t be surprised this was how it was meant to end. Besides, if anyone deserves to rest, it’s _me_. I’m the one who’s over ten-thousand years old.”

Pearl stood slowly, and White did the same. For a long moment they stared at each other, eyes identical yet so different — White’s icy gaze met Pearl’s sad one. She made an impatient noise. “Don’t act like you’re going to miss me. I don’t need to be coddled.”

“I _will_ miss you.” The words surprised Pearl. But they were true. “You’re possibly the most annoying gem I’ve ever met, and I had to deal with Yellow Pearl for thousands of years—”

“You did more than _deal with_ her,” White pointed out. Pearl’s face burned, and Rose pressed a hand to her mouth to keep from laughing.

“The _point_ is, you deserve to live as much as anyone else. And I’m just a fake personality, remember? I’m an intruder.” White looked away, frowning. Rose stood, resting a hand on Pearl’s shoulder.

“I think she’s trying to do nothing nice for you, Pearl.”

“Tch!” White scoffed. “It has _nothing_ to do with being nice. I’m being logical about who would make better use of the life — oh, stop looking at me like that!” She snapped at Rose, who was smiling knowingly. “Stars, I don’t miss you at all. You’re so annoying.”

Pearl half laughed, dragging her hand across her eyes. “Don’t worry, no one will ever accuse you of doing something out of kindness.”

“Good,” White huffed, crossing her arms. Pearl bit down another giggle. She looked just like Steven when he was trying to be angry about something. “So what, do I just… click my heels three times and think nice thoughts?”

That wiped the smile right off Pearl’s face. “Pearl has to destroy your mental manifestation,” Rose said. “I’d do it for you if I could, my love, but…”

But it had to be Pearl. “Well then.” White spread her arms out. “Have at it.”

Pearl stared at her for a long moment before stepping forward and wrapping her counterpart in a tight hug. White stood stiffly for a moment before her arms moved again, and surprisingly embraced Pearl rather than push her away.

“Just don’t waste it, all right? I’ll find a way to get back if you spend the rest of your life moping around and thinking about all the stupid things you did in the past,” White muttered finally. “It’s done, it’s over, move the hell on.”

“That’s fair,” Pearl said with a small smile, pulling back and scrubbing her eyes once more. She was getting something thousands of gems would have killed for — another chance at life. She didn’t want to throw it away dwelling on everything that had already happened. “Ready?”

White spread her arms again. “I was ready before you decided to get sappy.”

Pearl rolled her eyes. “Right.”

Her gem glowed as she reached up, pulling out her spear — she wasn’t sure how she was going to touch a sword again after all this. It felt… _wrong_.

Cutting through White seemed almost too easy — as if she wasn’t really there at all. Her form immediately dissipated into smoke, sparkling as it rose into the air. Pearl reached out automatically for a gem, but there wasn’t one. There was no sign left White Pearl had ever existed, aside from memories. Her hand hung in mid-air, watching the last of the ancient pearl fade away.

Strong arms wrapped around Pearl from behind, and she let her spear go as her arms fell to her side, tears welling in her eyes. “Did you know?” She asked quietly. “Did White Diamond tell you?”

“No,” Rose said quietly. “I would have never kept something like that from you, Pearl. I swear.”

And Pearl believed her. She had no reason to think otherwise. But hearing the words was reassuring. She turned, pressing her face into Rose’s shoulder and gripping her dress tight as she cried. Rose rubbed a hand up and down her back as she tried to sooth the distressed gem.

“I told them,” Pearl finally whispered. “I told them everything, about you, and me… where we came from… or where I thought I came from, anyways.”

“I know,” Rose said. “I’m glad you did. I never meant to…” Her voice drifted off, and Pearl was surprised by the light kiss that was dropped against the top of her head. “I wanted to lift the order for so long, Pearl. But I was scared, and I was selfish. I didn’t want Garnet and Amethyst to think less of me. And then I tried to get a moment alone with you before Steven was born, because I didn’t want _him_ growing up believing the lies, but you were avoiding me and Greg was with me all the time and none of that’s an excuse.” She was rambling on, and Pearl nearly laughed. Steven really was so much like her. “I’m sorry,” Rose whispered. “I’m so, so sorry. I know it doesn’t make up for the last fourteen years… or five-thousand years, really. But I swear, I never meant for my past, my problems, to hurt any of you.”

“I know,” Pearl said, pulling away to scrub at her cheeks. “I know you didn’t. I think we all do. It was just… hard to process.”

“You all came through it, though.” Rose smiled proudly. “I managed to see a little bit of the wedding — strong emotions let me through as well, and I’ll admit I might have been trying a little. I don’t like to invade Steven’s privacy, but I could hardly miss Ruby and Sapphire getting married when I helped bring them together.”

Pearl coughed as she tried to choke down a laugh. It wasn’t convincing. “I don’t think Steven would mind, if he knew,” she managed to say through barely contained laughter.

“You can tell him, if you want,” Rose reminded her. “You get to go back. You get another chance.”

“Yeah…” Pearl looked around, swallowing. “Do I… have to go back right _now_? Can I stay with you… just for a little while?”

“You can stay as long as I’m here,” Rose said. “I don’t know how long that’ll be, though.”

“Then I better start asking questions.” Pearl sat, and Rose immediately followed suit. Pearl was quiet for a moment, trying to find the right way to phrase her question, but it ultimately came out as, “Why Greg?”

“What?” Rose blinked, surprised. “What do you mean?”

“Why… after all those years, all those humans…” Pearl’s eyes stung, and she had to look away. “After all _our_ time together, how did he win?”

“Pearl… he didn’t _win_ anything. I loved you both.” Pearl laughed humorlessly. “You, of all gems, should know it’s possible to love more than one being at a time. How long were you and Yellow and Blue Pearls together?”

“Wha?!” Pearl nearly toppled over as she whipped her head around to look at Rose, who was smiling. “How did — what are you talking about, we were never—”

“You know you can’t lie to me,” Rose teased, and Pearl blushed deeply.

“H-How did you know? Did the other Diamonds know?”

“As if Blue and Yellow would ever pay that much attention.” Rose laughed. “Besides, I was always the first one of the conference room, and don’t think I didn’t see the three of you springing back into place when we came out. Not to mention the few times your dress looked—”

“Okay!” Pearl squealed, covering her face with her hands. “I get it, you knew!”

“And you loved them, didn’t you?” Pearl peeked between her fingers, frowning. There hadn’t really been a word on Homeworld for how she had felt about the Pearls, but…

“Yeah. I suppose I did.”

“You loved _both_ of them, and me at the same time. You know it’s possible.”

Pearl’s shoulders fell, and she frowned. “It felt like you loved him more,” she murmured, staring at the floor. A gentle hand cupped her cheek, and she looked up to meet Rose’s eyes.

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize until it was too late… I was so caught up in everything, and you were suffering. You always suffered for my mistakes.” Her voice and expression were regretful. “I’m sorry, Pearl.”

Pearl slowly slid forward, settling herself into Rose’s lap and holding her tight. “I thought I wasn’t good enough,” she whispered shakily. “I thought you hated me because I was just another reminder of the past. I thought…”

Her voice drifted into a small sob, and Rose held her in a crushing grip. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry I put you through that, Pearl. Through _everything_. You deserved better.”

“I just wanted you.”

“I know.” Rose brushed Pearl’s hair back, tracing her gem gently. “I know.”

They sat like this for a while, Pearl feeling safer than she had in years, reveling in the feeling of being in Rose’s arms again.

“Bismuth,” Pearl said quietly. “Why… why did you keep Bismuth from us for so long?”

Rose hesitated, hugging Pearl close. “The same reason I never told Garnet and Amethyst the truth. I was scared. I had planned on letting Bismuth out after the war, but after what happened…” She shook her head. “I couldn’t. I was a coward. I’m sorry it came back on Steven. I’m sorry all of my mistakes have been hurting him. I’m… glad Bismuth doesn’t blame him, though.”

Pearl sighed. “It always comes back to be scared, doesn’t it? We ran away, and we never stopped running.”

“We really didn’t.”

A small, selfish part of Pearl wish she could just stay here and fade away with Rose. Be with her.

But she was passed that. She was doing her best to move on. Finally freeing herself of Rose’s biggest secret had been a huge step forward. She didn’t want to take a step back. Besides… the others might miss her, if she was gone.

“I’m sorry,” Pearl said quietly.

“What on _earth_ are you sorry for, Pearl?”

“For… for not being there.” Pearl wiped her eyes, pulling away. “When you died.”

Rose sighed. “I knew you wouldn’t be. You made that pretty clear. I believe your exact words were ‘I’m not going to watch you die again.’ It would have been unfair of me to ask otherwise.” She pressed her lips against Pearl’s gem. “Besides, you said your goodbye. And I had it on good authority that you were going to be okay.”

“How…” Pearl paused, then rolled her eyes slightly. “Garnet.”

“I might have consulted with her,” Rose said without shame. “I needed to know. There were a lot of futures where you didn’t come back. Where you… hurt yourself, or where you just disappeared. But there was this one future that seemed stronger than all the others. A future where you came back, where you met Steven, where you came to love him. Where you fussed over him when he was upset and put band-aids on his skinned knees and baked cookies for him and tucked him into bed at night… a future where you were his mother. Garnet seemed pretty confident in that one. Maybe it was just for my sake, but… it happened, didn’t it?”

Pearl smiled despite herself. “I do love him. It hurts sometimes, though. He’s so much like you.”

“Oh, he’s better than me and we both know it.” Rose laughed. “He’s everything I ever could have hoped for. I’m so proud of him. I’m proud of _all_ of you.”

Pearl rested her head back against Rose, taking a deep breath. She felt so warm and comfortable there. “We still miss you,” she said quietly. “Every day. But it’s getting better.”

“And it’ll keep getting better,” Rose said confidently. “I know how strong you all are. I’ve seen it.”

“Yeah.” There was a certainty in Pearl’s voice that she wouldn’t have expected. “I know we are.”

The white around them began to fade, and Pearl’s head snapped up. “What—”

“Oh.” Rose sighed. “It’s time for me to go. And for you to go back. I’m not sure how much time has passed, so… be prepared for that.”

Pearl looked back at Rose, wide-eyed. She wasn’t ready. Rose took her face in her hands, gently kissing her. “You’re going to be okay. I love you. Tell the others I love them, too.”

Pearl nodded, squeezing her eyes shut and grabbing Rose’s wrists, holding on tight. “You’ll be okay,” Rose said again, her voice faint. “I promise.”

Reforming was always an odd process, but it had never _hurt_ quite like this, save for the one time she had tried to reform with a cracked gem. It was like trying to push her physical form through broken, jagged glass, sharp ends cutting her over and over. Everything was bright white again as she waited for the world to come back into view…

She was in a garden. One of Rose’s gardens, she realized dimly, over nearby shouts of her name, before an excruciating pain shot through her head. The last thing she heard wasn’t anyone shouting, but a distinct whisper in the back of her mind.

 _Don’t waste it_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP White Pearl


	25. Together Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then all anxiety was at an end, and they lived together in perfect happiness

“Pearl!”

Garnet was the fastest, grabbing Pearl before she collapsed into the rose bush.

“H-How—?” Bismuth stuttered out, mouth hanging open. Garnet carefully cradled Pearl as she knelt down, letting Pearl rest in her arms. She was pale, almost ashen, her face pinched in pain, her gem still glowing brightly for nearly a minute before fading back to normal.

“She was _broken_ ,” Amethyst choked. “She… Is she a gem zombie?!”

“There’s no such thing as gem zombies,” Peridot said faintly. “…Right?”

“Uh…” Was all Lapis could say. Steven hurried forward, kneeling on Pearl’s other side.

“Pearl? Can you hear me?”

“Nngh,” was all Pearl managed to muttered.

“Here.” Garnet slid a hand down to wrap her fingers around Pearl’s hand. “One squeeze for yes, two for no. Does your gem hurt?” One squeeze. “Do you remember what happened?” One squeeze. “Can you talk?” Two squeezes. “Too much pain?” One squeeze.

“Are… Are you Pearl?” Steven asked shakily, watching Pearl’s hand. One squeeze. “ _Our_ Pearl?” One squeeze. He nearly started crying again.

“Let’s get her back to the temple,” Garnet said, securing Pearl in her arms and standing. The group behind her looked entirely stunned, and everyone just nodded dumbly.

Garnet was resting Pearl on the couch when Steven came in with Amethyst, Connie, and Greg. “How is she?” Amethyst asked, bolting off the warp pad.

“Warm,” Garnet said with a frown, pressing a hand to Pearl’s forehead. “Like she has a fever.”

“Gems don’t get fevers though… right?”

“Not fevers exactly, but sometimes gem trauma can result in overheating episodes,” Garnet said, going to get a washcloth for Pearl’s forehead.

“I think coming back from the dead counts as trauma,” Amethyst said, sitting on the edge of the couch.

“Sitting… right here…” Pearl mumbled, and Amethyst grinned, squeezing her arm.

“Yeah, you are.”

Garnet returned with the cloth, resting it on Pearl’s forehead. She winced slightly, trying to pull away from the sudden cold, but finally relaxed. “Is…” Everyone looked back at Connie. “Is she going to be okay?”

“Honestly?” Garnet said. “We have no idea. This is… very new. No gem has ever been broken like that and managed to come back. Rose healed a few during the war, but their gems were dormant even after they were fixed. None ever came back. We gave up and bubbled them after the fifth or sixth try.”

“Then… _how_?” Peridot asked, waving her arms.

“We’ll figure it out later,” Garnet said firmly. “Let her rest for now. She’s been through a lot.”

There was a brief pause. “She’s _back!_ ” Bismuth broke the silence with a yell, grinning and scooping Amethyst up to hug her as Amethyst whooped in response. Steven hugged Connie, grinning, Greg hugged both of them, and Lapis and Peridot just laughed. Garnet saw the ghost of a smile flicker across Pearl’s face before she relaxed, letting unconsciousness claim her.

———————————————

It had been a _long_ , emotional day. Priyanka Maheswaran had been baffled, to say the least, when her daughter had run to her, laughing and saying Pearl was alive. Greg stayed until nightfall, talking with Steven and making sure he was okay. Lapis and Peridot immediately vacated Pearl’s room with their few belongings, and the gems talked about properly expanding the temple now, but they would need Pearl’s help with that when she was up for it. Until then, Lapis didn’t mind the beach, and if Peridot didn’t want to hang out with her, the tub was fine.

It was well passed midnight, and the house was quiet now. Pearl was still resting on the couch, and Steven had gone to bed. Garnet had stayed to watch over her while everyone retreated to their various sanctuaries.

Garnet pulled the cloth away from Pearl’s forehead. Feverish, but not as bad as it had been. Good. She looked up at Steven, who was sound asleep. This had been a lot for him.

Pearl groaned as Garnet lay a freshly dampened cloth against her forehead, her eyes fluttering open, squinting slightly at the ceiling. “Welcome back,” Garnet said with a small smile. It took Pearl’s glassy gaze a moment to focus on her.

“Garnet?” Pearl groaned, pressing a hand to her temple. “What… What happened?”

Garnet frowned. “You don’t remember?”

“I…” Pearl’s eyes fluttered shut again, then shot open as she flew up. “Oh!”

The room instantly began spinning, and Garnet rested a hand against Pearl as she wavered. “Easy. You came back from the dead.”

“Rose,” Pearl breathed. “I saw Rose. She saved me. Well, Steven saved me. Well, _White_ —”

“Slow down,” Garnet said gently. “Start at the beginning.”

Pearl rested her head in her hands for a moment, breathing deep. “I… I remember White shattering the other Pearl and White Diamond’s form going haywire… and then something hit me, and… that should have been it. But White and I woke up in this place and… and _Rose_ was there.” Garnet’s hand on Pearl’s shoulder tightened. “She… she told me she gets glimpses of the world sometimes, when Steven uses his powers, and when he heals, there’s this little part of her that goes into the healing as well. Temporary, like an echo, I suppose. But she was there. She…” Pearl rubbed her temples. Her head felt like it was splitting open. “She said… because Steven healed our gem, we could technically still live, but… but one of us would have to give up our mental presence to power the gem.”

It took Garnet a moment to wrap her mind around those words. “White sacrificed herself for you,” she said finally. Pearl nodded.

“The problem with healing broken gems was that they had to either put all their energy into their physical form and leave nothing to power the gem, or power the gem and have no ability to form a physical body. But because White and I were two distinctly different mental presences… one could power the gem while the other took physical form. But I… I can’t talk to her anymore, Garnet. I don’t hear her.” Tears filled Pearl’s eyes. “I said I would do it. I said she could have the body, it was hers anyways. But she said… I’d get more use out of it. She told me not to waste it. I didn’t want this, I swear I didn’t…”

“Trust me, Pearl, Garnet said gently, rubbing her back. “I have no doubt whatsoever you were more than willing to sacrifice yourself for her.”

Pearl slumped back on the couch, tears in her eyes. It had been a long, difficult few months for her. She was exhausted and overwhelmed. “You should get some more rest,” Garnet suggested. “Everyone is going to have questions. You might as well be prepared for it.”

“Right.” Pearl gave Garnet a weak smile. “Thanks, Garnet.”

“Nothing to thank me for.”

————————————————

Steven was startled awake by a loud yell, and his first thought was of disappointment — he had been hoping he would be able to talk to Pearl.

“Amethyst, get off!”

“You’re aliiiiiiiiiiiive!”

“Not for much longer if you keep bending my neck like this!”

That voice… Pearl’s voice! Steven shot up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and looking down into the living room. Pearl was sitting up on the couch, Amethyst hanging on her back and laughing as she hugged Pearl tight. Pearl was very half-hearted in her attempts to get Amethyst off of her.

“ _Pearl_!”

Steven immediately jumped out of bed and off his loft, tackling Pearl from the side. “Whoa!” She laughed, hugging Steven close. “Okay, I get it, everyone’s happy to see me.”

Tears filled Steven’s eyes, and he hugged her tighter. “We thought you were gone,” he whispered. Pearl brushed her fingers through his hair, smiling softly.

“Nope,” she said gently. “You saved me.”

It was another hour before Bismuth returned from the forge and Lapis and Peridot came inside, and _finally_ they could start asking their questions. Of course, they all started talking at once, and Pearl had to resist the urge to cover her ears. The blinding headache was significantly better (she was starting to wonder if she would ever be headache free again), but the noise wasn’t helping.

“Okay, okay,” Garnet finally said loudly, quieting everyone down. “Pearl, tell the story first. Then questions.”

Pearl nodded, taking a deep breath. “The last thing I remember from Homeworld is White Diamond… well, poofing, I guess, even if I wouldn’t call it that exactly. White and I woke up in this place and I… knew what had happened. I mean, I knew my gem had been broken. And I thought that was it. Then I… we… we saw Rose.”

Steven’s eyes widened, while Amethyst and Bismuth made noises of disbelief. “ _How_?” Amethyst asked.

“She uh… she said she gets glimpses of the world, when Steven uses his powers. She doesn’t intrude,” Pearl added quickly. “For a long time she didn’t see anything at all. But there’s still part of her in there.” Steven rested a hand against his stomach — his gem. “When you healed me, you uh… passed on a bit of her, like an echo. She helped us understand… when a gem is broken, the conscious mind has a choice to make. It can put all of the energy back to powering the gem, but without the ability to create a physical form, or it can create a physical form but leave no energy for the gem. The physical form would just be a husk. But because my gem had two separate minds…” She sighed, tracing her gem. “One of us could give up our mental presence in order to power our gem, while the other maintained conscious control.”

Silence fell as Pearl gave everyone a moment process that information. “So White’s gone?” Peridot asked, and Pearl nodded.

“It’s just me again.”

“She gave up her life for you,” Steven said quietly.

“She said I had more of a reason to live. All she had wanted was revenge, and now that it was off the table…” Pearl shook her head, resting her face in her hands. “I tried to talk her out of it. I really did.”

Amethyst rested a hand on her shoulder. “We’re sure you did, P,” she assured her friend.

“So why did it take you so long to come back?” Lapis asked. Pearl frowned.

“How long was I gone?”

“Over a month.”

Pearl’s mouth fell open, a blush spreading across her cheeks. “I uh… I… stayed with Rose for a little while,” she admitted in a murmur. “She said time passed differently, but I thought… a couple weeks at the _most_ … I’m so sorry.”

“At least you came back before we buried your gem,” Bismuth said with a weak attempt at humor. “Imagine if you’d had to reform covered in dirt.”

Pearl laughed quietly. “Yeah, that would have been great.”

“You and your dramatic timing.” Amethyst rolled her eyes, shoving Pearl’s shoulder kiddingly.

“So…” Pearl looked over at Steven, who was still looking down at his stomach. “Mom can see me?”

“Usually only when you use your powers,” Pearl said. “And… she surfaced for a bit for Ruby’s and Sapphire’s wedding.”

“Is…” Steven looked up from his gem, nervous. “Is she proud of me?”

Pearl smiled, reaching over to pull Steven into a tight hug. “She said you’re beyond anything she could ever dream. She loves you so much, and she is _so_ proud of you, and everything you’ve done. And she’s sorry… for the mess she left behind.”

Steven beamed, hugging Pearl tight.

————————————————

“That’s _it_!”

Pearl jerked out of half doze, nearly spilling her tea. The mug was cold in her hands.

“Hey!”

“What are you doing?!”

“Not my TV!”

Pearl looked up to see Bismuth had grabbed the TV, and was currently holding it out of reach of Peridot and Lapis. “Did she finally snap?” Pearl murmured to Amethyst, who was lounging on the couch next to her.

“One episode of Camp Pining Hearts too many.”

“I’ll find something else for them to watch,” Steven said desperately. “Please don’t break the TV. Dad’s had to buy like… five new ones in the last year.”

“Dude, he can afford it,” Amethyst called. “Heck, try and get us a flat screen.”

“I think it’s time to talk about expanding the temple,” Garnet said calmly, walking up the stairs to take the TV back from Bismuth. “Steven, put on Crying Breakfast Friends.”

“No!” Amethyst and Pearl groaned at the same time.

“Would you rather listen to more Camp Pining Hearts?”

That shut them up. Steven flopped back on the bed with the remote, finding Crying Breakfast Friends. Pearl sighed, pressing a hand to her temple.

“Definitely time to expand the temple,” Amethyst agreed. “Maybe we can make a room that looks like the barn for the Pining Hearts.”

 

“How _do_ you expand the temple?” Steven asked curiously, looking down as Garnet joined the other two on the couch.

“Magic.”

“Why is the waffle crying?” Peridot asked, bewildered.

“I think the pear hurt its feelings,” Lapis said.

“No, it was the milk,” Bismuth said. “Right?”

“It’s entirely possible we shouldn’t let them watch TV at all,” Pearl said under her breath. “It’s not like any of them know what a good show looks like.”

“They’re not going to be obsessed with _that_ , are they?” Amethyst asked. “We need to get them rooms _now_.”

“My head is still killing me.” Pearl sighed, leaning back on the couch and closing her eyes. “I don’t think I’m up for messing around with the temple right now.”

“Wait, now they’re _all_ crying!”

“They’re all very upset.”

“…Maybe I could find the energy,” Pearl corrected herself.

“We’re not doing anything until you’re back to one-hundred percent,” Garnet said firmly. “That means no missions, either.”

“Sooooo we gotta listen to Crying Breakfast Friends until Pearl’s head feels better?”

“Essentially.”

“Pearl get better faster,” Amethyst said, nudging Pearl with her foot. Pearl batted her away, trying to look annoyed, but failing.

“Trust me, I’m trying.”

———————————————————————

When Pearl finally managed to get away for some quiet time, she surprised herself by going to sit out on the beach rather than closing herself in her room. She needed the fresh air, she supposed. Needed to be reminded that this was all real. That she was alive.

She sat close enough to the water’s edge that the tide gently lapped her toes with each wave, and she watched the sun slowly start setting, eyes drifting to the sky, where she would soon see Homeworld’s constellation. Yellow and Blue Pearls still thought she was shattered. She had left them again. Maybe Peridot could help her find a way to send a message.

Distractions only lasted so long. Eventually, Pearl reached behind herself to untie her sash, letting it drop away and rolling her shirt up. The cracks from White Diamond were still there, even after she had reformed. She wondered if they were permanent — all of her mistakes, all of her bad choices, summed up in a few cracks on her side…

“Pearl?”

Steven had snuck up on her. “Oh!” She jumped, quickly rolling her shirt back down. “Sorry, Steven, you don’t need to see…”

She fell silent as Steven came to sit beside her, slowly tugging her shirt up again. “Did White Diamond do that?” He asked quietly. Pearl sighed, nodding.

“White attacked her after she sent you away. She grabbed us and… well.”

Steven frowned, leaning in to kiss the cracks. Pearl already knew it wasn’t going to work — he probably knew it as well, but they both needed to see it. “Nothing.” The boy sighed, sitting back on the sand.

“It takes more than a kiss to heal damage from the Diamonds,” Pearl murmured, looking back out at the water.

“I guess.” Steven was quiet for a minute. “I’m mad at you, you know.”

“Really?” Pearl asked curiously, turning to him again. He nodded seriously.

“I told you I never wanted you to fight for me that way. I never wanted you to die for me, or to even think you had to. But you still took that hit.”

“She would have killed you and Connie,” Pearl pointed out. “I was just—”

“Just what?” Steven cut her off, voice rising the smallest bit. “Deciding our lives were more important than yours?”

“I told her parents I would bring her home safe.”

“Instead _we_ brought _you_ home in your gem and had no idea you were going to reform!” There were tears in Steven’s eyes. “Do you know what that’s like? Everyone was all messed up about it. Even Peridot and Lapis were sad. Connie’s _mom_ was sad. I could have protected us with my bubble, I know it. But you just decided it was okay to give up your life and threw yourself in front of the attack.”

“I never meant to hurt anyone,” Pearl protested. “I was trying to protect you.”

“And you forgot about yourself. Again.” Pearl blinked, reeling back as the random feeling the night of the Diamonds’ attack, the sudden surge of confidence that her life mattered as much as Rose’s or Steven’s, came back to her. Steven sighed, shoulders falling. “I thought you finally got it.”

“I did,” Pearl said. “I do. Steven, I didn’t take that blow because I thought I had to protect you. I can’t say I was thinking very well at the time, but I was… I was so scared. For you and for Connie. Neither of you ever asked to get mixed up in this — well, I suppose Connie did, technically, but it was never supposed to go this far. And I wasn’t the only one who decided to take that jump.”

Steven looked up, surprised. “You weren’t?”

Pearl shook her head. “White could have stopped me if she wanted. She could have taken control. She didn’t. She was right there with me, running in.”

Steven tilted his head for a moment, thinking about that. “Is it… weird that I miss her?” He asked quietly. “I mean, I love you, and I’m glad you’re back, and I wouldn’t trade you for anything, but…”

“I know.” Pearl wrapped an arm around him, tugging him closer. “I miss her, too. It’s too quiet in my head.”

The boy chuckled, curling into her. “Losing both of you would have been too much. I’m glad you had the chance to come back.”

“I’m sure the others are glad it was me,” Pearl said dryly.

“Probably,” Steven admitted. “White was weirdly fun, though. In her own way. Do you still have all of her memories?”

“Yeah. They’re stored in the gem somewhere. I guess I should try and sort through them all, but I might be better off just leaving whatever mental impression she left behind to guard them for the rest of eternity.”

“You should at least deal with your own bad memories first,” Steven pointed out. Pearl laughed.

“You sound like your mother.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Steven grinned, snuggling into Pearl’s side. Pearl wrapped an arm around him, holding him close.

“Yo,” Amethyst called as she and Garnet approached. “Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis are arguing over who’s the best Crying Breakfast Friends character. We gotta get them rooms _now_.”

“Just give me a couple days.”

“They’ve been watching it for six hours now.”

Pearl grimaced, looking back to the house. “I’ll try and feel better tomorrow.”

Amethyst fell back to lie on the sand, arms crossed over her head, eyes fixed on the darkening sky. “So… what do we do now? I mean, Homeworld isn’t a threat anymore… right?”

“Likely not,” Garnet said. “Strange as it is, I think we’ve reached a truce with them, so long as White Diamond never breaks free.”

“What _happened_ to her after we shattered the pearl?” Pearl asked, trying not to wince. She had shattered a pearl. It had been horrible, but necessary.

“Uh…” Amethyst looked at Garnet, who shrugged.

“We weren’t paying much attention. I think Blue and Yellow bubbled her gem.”

Pearl frowned. “That’s kind of a big detail to miss.”

“We were a bit distracted,” Garnet said pointedly, and Pearl blushed.

“Oh. Right.”

“We still need to help the corrupted gems,” Steven spoke up. “We can’t give up on them.”

“Definitely not,” Garnet agreed. “We’ll find a way to help them.”

Pearl drew her legs up to her chest, looking up at the sky. A small smile pulled at her lips despite everything. “Pearl?” Steven asked, tilting his head. “What’re you thinking about?”

“Oh…” She sighed, shrugging. “The future.”

“Trying to steal my thing?” Garnet asked, tilting her visor down to expose her third eye. Pearl laughed.

“I would never. I like to be surprised, sometimes.”

“No more secrets, right?” Amethyst asked, sitting up to look at Pearl. She shook her head.

“No more secrets. I’ll answer any questions you want… tomorrow.” Tonight, she just wanted to enjoy the moment. Amethyst seemed to understand; she didn’t push it. Instead she fell into Steven and Pearl, hugging them both tight. Garnet joined a moment later, and the group laughed, taking comfort in each other’s presence. They were together again. They could handle whatever the future brought.

Even Crying Breakfast Friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, so... that was a trip. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me through first (published) multi-chapter Steven Universe fic. This has been so much fun, and idk about you, but I'm pretty happy with the way things turned out.
> 
> In other news, I have ideas bouncing around for a... not-quite-sequel to this story. Set in the same timeline, and someone actually hinted at what it would be in this chapter :D So ya know, if anyone is interested, speak up!
> 
> You are all wonderful and lovely. Thank you <3

**Author's Note:**

> So... review? This is really only my second Steven Universe fanfic, I have no idea how I'm handling the characters lol.


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